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DEAR LINKEDIN: IF I WANTED TO BE SPAMMED, I’D ANSWER MY PHONE

Once upon a time, there was an awesome social networking experience. Then the villainous sales people came in and ruined it.

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FLYING GETS ME HIGH

People who don’t like to fly confuse me. It literally gets you high and I’ve been told that being high is a pretty great feeling … ergo, flying is pretty great.

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MY SPIRIT ANIMAL IS A KANGAROO

Obviously, deep down I wish I were a kangaroo. Who has not had that thought? They’re majestic. They’re quick. They’re mysterious. They have a snack pouch. What more do you need?

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MY MOM THINKS I’M A HOE BECAUSE I MET SOMEONE ONLINE

Stigmas are fun, aren’t they? Like how eating ice cream all the time makes you unhealthy and how Tinder is for all the thirsty people. Interesting, though, how stigmas aren’t facts.

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POLLEN IS MY LEAST FAVORITE CAR COLOR

What is yellow and green and awful? That’s right! Pollen. Nature’s evil twin that escapes its flower cell for about a month each spring to torture humans and make them question their choice to be outside.

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