HERE COMES PETER COTTONTAIL

Rabbits don’t lay eggs. Seems like a gold mine of a starting point for all the confusing inconsistencies of Easter. Yet, every year, a random, gigantic bunny rabbit breaks into people’s homes and/or trespasses on their property to hide eggs (that are obviously stolen – see sentence one) for children that they don’t know. I’m going to go ahead and call it since no one else seems capable, but STRANGER DANGER! My main question is, how does the bunny know which houses have children? All I’m saying is I don’t remember the last time there were eggs hidden at my house, which happens to be full of legal adults. 

If there was ever an applicable lesson about not taking candy from strangers, Easter would be that lesson. The whole creepy minivan is getting a bit outdated anyways because, let’s be honest, the minivans of today are luxurious. An opinion for another time, though. So far, we have established that the beloved Easter Bunny is a thief, a stalker, and a liar. Don’t let the floppy ears or cute bow tie fool you. This is no saint. ‘Well, that doesn’t sound so bad, right? It’s Easter’ – all the candy-lovers of the world who enjoy free treats. Well if we played two truths and a lie against the law edition, that would be ⅔ bad. That’s over half. And if we worked at Twix, we would torture the public by forcing them to decide which half of the adorable bunny was evil and which part was good. Left or right? Right or left? Nobody cares, please find a new marketing campaign.

Well, holiday candy-lovers, I have some not-so-great insights for you. Eggs are usually filled with a baby chicken (or a yolk, at least). Creepy bunny’s eggs are filled with candy. Making the creepy bunny also a murderer. Where are the baby chicks? Was the chocolate really worth animal sacrifice? Also, how do we know this candy isn’t tainted? Is it safe to eat? Peter Cottontail is known for a long list of crimes – why not add food tampering to the list.

Sure, the candy comes in plastic eggs. Now. Was anyone alive in 1682 when Germany made this a thing? Probably not, unless Back to the Future is real and we’re all just living next to Marty McFly without even realizing it?! Plastic was invented in 1907. I’ll let you put the pieces together here. Actually, I’ll help you – non-law-abiding animal, the Easter Bunny, started this operation in 1682 with eggs. 225 YEARS LATER, plastic was created. 71 YEARS LATER the plastic Easter egg was invented. I’m no math expert, but that is a large gray area for interpretation.

Moving past the actual hiding of the eggs, let’s discuss what the deal is with hunting for them. I feel as if, at this point in the post anyways, hunting is not the correct term. Finding? Searching? Discovering? Unearthing (sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do)? Acquiring (for all the future business tycoons out there diplomatically getting their candy from the efforts of others)? So many good options here. Yet we feed the behavior and host egg hunts all over the world. For fun, though, because Easter is a time for joy and celebration! Could have fooled me. 

Easter egg hunts are the epitome of Spring as a child, if I’m being honest. The competition to find the most is what still fuels my drive today. Oh wait, no, I forgot that now everyone gets only a certain amount of eggs so nobody feels left out. Personally, my future children will be on a survival of the fittest type of hunt. If you get less than your brother, you’ll learn for next year to be either quicker, smarter, or more clever #lifelessons. Mmkay well then you might as well just buy each child a bag of Hershey’s Kisses and tell them Peter dropped it off. That’s a win-win situation right there. Ban the bad influences from your property / family and not have to worry about setting “rules” for a competition. Unless that rule is to win by finding the most. That would be ok.

To wrap things up, what’s with the Easter color scheme? Every other holiday has a set number of colors, usually one to three, that are associated with them. Valentine’s Day – red, pink, and white. St. Patrick’s Day – green. Fourth of July – red, white, and blue. Labor Day – white. Halloween – orange and black. Thanksgiving – orange, red, brown, and yellow (because they had to be different). Christmas – red and green. Enter Easter – all of the pastel colors. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Well that’s confusing. Too many options, just tell me. Purple and yellow? Fine. Green and pink? Awesome. Blue, orange, and yellow? Go for it! But the whole palette? That’s a bit overkill – pun intended. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you now have concerns over what’s happening behind-the-scenes during Easter, I apologize. But also I’m glad you’re aware and can keep others safe. In all seriousness, though, it’s an awesome holiday and always great for the family. Thanks for reading!


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