Like a good Southerner, I understand that Chick-fil-A is part of the food pyramid. Not the whole base, but the second biggest tier for sure. Combined, of course, with Bojangles’ and their legendary sweet tea. In essence, people living south of Virginia are 50% chicken, 10% sweet tea, and 10% seasoned fries. The remaining 30% is gravy, banana pudding, and mac n’ cheese #math.

Since our sustenance relies heavily on the big red C, it’s imperative that I make regular appearances. Except on Sundays because the owners are clearly good southern christians and leave one day a week for home cooked meals at Grandma’s house. Unfortunately, I am not the only one living with this gratitude mindset. For all of the genius that is the CFA kitchen, their parking lot layouts leave a lot to be desired. Specifically the drive-thru portion of the design. Everyone, and their mothers, know that there is never a dead period at CFA. Everyone except the car space architects apparently.

It does not matter what time of day you get a hankering for waffle fries and magical chicken, there will be a full drive-thru line. 3:45PM on a Tuesday? Packed. 11:15AM on a Thursday? Can’t even get in the parking lot. Anytime before 10:30AM? Forget it! People will fight to get their Chick-n-Minis before the breakfast menu shuts down. They are also the only restaurant I know with an all day lunch rush. How is that even possible?! How is the whole world eating both an early, on time, and late lunch every day of the week every week of the year? That’s not possible. 

I’m sure we’ve all waited in a long drive-thru line before and been super thrilled about watching our gas efficiency rating drop consistently and trying to communicate with the employee through the high quality speaker system. How many times have you waited in a double drive-thru line? I don’t mean the supposedly more efficient double lane options. No, no. I mean the double line that occurs in the same way that you would draw a spiral. The drive-thru line is full and wraps all the way around the building. Um, what? Yes, you start in line near the speaker to order … but are the second to third layer of the circle. Is there anything more soul crushing when you’re hungry? No.

So clearly, as you can imagine, this line does not fall into the definition of fast food. It’s a slow burner. And time with your thoughts is a fun place to be. Well, fun may not be the right adjective. It’s an interesting place to be. My hungry thoughts are not on the same reading level as my well-fed thoughts. They get weird, they get abstract, they get confusing, they get twisted in circles (like the line I’m sitting in). It’s a black hole – one that I’m going to throw you into so you, too, can ponder these existential moments in my Chick-Fil-A waiting life:

• Who taught the cows to spell? They didn’t do a good job
• Who decided that the font should be a backwards foggy mirror attempt at writing?
• Are CFA employees allowed to eat beef while at the office?
• Does part of an employee’s non-compete contain information about dietary restrictions?
• When will an employee be allowed to eat beef again?
• Are all catered meals at corporate from CFA?
• Has anyone ever pulled a prank and ordered Wendy’s or McDonald’s on “accident”?
• Why was the chicken salad sandwich removed from the menu?
• Why is there no option to supersize a meal? It could be the Fox option, get it
• Is there a reason why sandwiches don’t come with a normal amount of pickles? What is so significant about two?
• Is it a coincidence that the sun is always shining when I’m at CFA? No, it’s a sign from the heavens to eat mor chikin! (Side question: how did Google know to autocorrect that to the CFA version?! My mind just exploded)
• Why were the color choices not orange? Like, you know, a chicken
• How have I not moved at all?
• If I use the app and place a mobile order while in the drive-thru, will I get my food faster? Spoiler: yes
• Why is the peach milkshake not a year round treat? That’s the best option
• Why do the cookies taste better when they’re catered?
• How many times can an employee say ‘my pleasure’ before they explode?
• How rapidly can I repeatedly say ‘thank you’ to test this out?
• If the employees are taking my order, what is the point of moving through the line? Can they not also bring me the food?
• Why is every parking lot so small? And tight? Neither is conducive for heavy drive-thru traffic
• How many accidents happen each year in CFA parking lots? An acchickdent lol
• Is there any way we could get a cow fence around the buildings? A normal fence with giant cutouts of the billboard cows? For full branding efforts
• Do the billboard cows have names? If so, what are they?
• How many free sandwiches are given away on Cow Appreciation Day?
• Why don’t I own a full cow costume like a lot of the people here? Why do so many people own full cow costumes?
• What if I had grown up in the North and not known about the mouth party that is CFA? The horror
• How am I only one car closer to the goal?!

That feels like a sufficient share. Feel free to traverse that thought train at your own pace. Dive deeper into your feelings if you need to. Don’t if your care level for these questions is negative. You do you, but whatever path you decide, it’s better with a Chick-Fil-A sandwich and waffle fries. What drive-thru thoughts do you have while waiting to relieve the hangriness?

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

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