RIP America. It’s been a fun ride. I’m a bit shocked we’re ending so soon, but it is still 2020, so I guess all is fair during the end of the world. Am I the only one still a bit in shock from what happened on Tuesday night? Too bad it wasn’t a Netflix comedy special because it was hilarious. Until you remembered that these were our two leading candidates for President. Of the United States. Yikes! I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry, so I just drank. Like a fish. Rose and Sprite. Vodka and Sprite. Passion Fruit Rum and Sprite. Turns out, if you water down your drinks with Sprite, you can drink longer. Which was great since our drinking game kind of hit the wall from the very first segment. It started strong and, like a train without any brakes, just kept going full speed towards a cliff.

Here’s the deal … despite the questionable approach, there was a clear winner to the debate. It was Chris Wallace. Mighty moderator and authoritative figure with enough power to silence the BICKERING CHILDREN. Also, whoever vacuumed the carpet was a winner. Those lines were sharp enough to slice a pizza with. I feel like they deserve a shoutout. As is the rule of life, if you have a winner, it implies that there was a loser. America was that loser on Tuesday. Pretty sure the podiums were the most stable things on stage. Is this really the best we can do? Please send somebody else. What if this is all a big ruse so that RBG’s ghost can come back and take the White House by force to be our fearless leader?! That would honestly feel right given everything else that’s happening in the world lately.

I have to respond. He said something so I have to respond. What we witnessed was a clear battle between unfiltered and unhinged. On the one hand, we have someone who isn’t afraid of interrupting. Even when their party agreed to give each candidate an uninterrupted 2 minutes to answer the questions. On the other hand, we have flustered FloJoe who can’t always say the words. Because words are hard when you’ve got white noise blasting in your ear constantly. Although, Joe did it to himself on more than one occasion. If he had just said law AND ORDER, we could have avoided a whole 7 ish minute filibuster. Trump was asking for something simple. So simple. All you had to do was say it. Could have saved us all, but no! The party loyalty runs deeper than the American people’s patience.

Or when the family slander started to come out full swing. Ignorance is bliss. Joe blissfully forgot about his son Hunter. Until Trump kindly reminded him of his corrupt, addict behavior. At which point we saw what can only be described as a brief moment of paternal instinct where each man wanted nothing more than to defend his family. Which was almost admirable. Except, that was so unrelated to the COVID question and to how putting either or them in office would benefit us, the people. Excuse me, the China Plague question. 

For all the sane people who opted not to watch it, I admire your resilience. You did, however, miss some crucial points that I want to highlight here for you. Just so we can all be equally educated going into voting season. The worst season every four years brings us.  Probably a smart decision to just go to bed, but, as it turns out, not everyone is qualified to use the word smart. Especially not with Trump. Did you know Biden finished near the bottom of his class at nowhere Delaware State a million years ago? Me neither. Do you care? Me neither. A lot of us had college struggles and are doing just fine now. You learn. You grow. You become former Mr. Vice President. Or #2 as Biden was so fondly called on several occasions by #1 himself – Mr. President. Now to the key points, uninterrupted, good luck:

Key Point #1: Biden only made it to the debate because Pocahontas dropped out. That was an actual reference used by Trump towards Elizabeth Warren. Take it as you will, I didn’t realize Disney gave him copyright permission to use their character so freely in a serious debate and in clearly a non-offensive way

Key Point #2: When Biden gets overwhelmed, he loses his composure. Actual quotes include ‘would you just shut up, man?’, ‘keep yappin’ man’, and ‘you are the worst President America has ever had’. Clearly delivering well under pressure

Key Point #3: Trump has done more in 47 months than Biden has done in 47 years. Back up. Trump has only been a sworn in President for 44 months … so there’s that math discrepancy. But even if we are counting the three months before official inauguration day, that’s a big claim. And the debate did not clear up actual evidence to that being the case

Key Point #4: We’re still waiting to see Trump’s tax returns. But he said we would see them so there’s more hope. After four years. Of telling us we could see them

Key Point #5: The candidates are very much split on masks. Biden wears the biggest masks Trump has ever seen. But Trump does keep a mask inside his jacket. Thank goodness – it’s so helpful in there. Apparently the rally size differential is also unrelated to COVID. No, the reason Trump can sleep knowing that he has 25K – 30K people at rallies (not socially distanced) is because it’s outside. Not exactly how that works – NFL stadiums are still limiting their attendance crowds to way less than half of that number for CDC safety guidelines and that seems like a bigger priority, in my life anyways. And because the people love him. Biden, on the other hand, can only barely get 3 people to attend his rallies – it has nothing to do with keeping people safe

Key Point #6: Trump brought back football! Now this is probably the only point that I could relate to. It was clear. It was straightforward. No BS around it. No empty promises. No lies. Just good, old, truth, from jacket mask boy

Key Point #7: The actual election results could be delayed for days, weeks, or months. So instead of one stressful election day, we get to indefinitely drag it out so all the absentee ballots can be counted. And recounted. And probably recounted a few more times. How am I so confident about this? Well, apparently there were some ballots found recently in a wastebasket that were marked for Trump. Ok, I’m just going to throw the wut out here? First of all, who hasn’t taken the trash out in four years? That’s not a thing. Were they from this election? If so, who decided to go ballot hunting in the trash? How did they know those were in there? What is happening? That’s election fraud, so are we casually accusing people of breaking the law before early voting even officially starts. Strap in – it’s going to get rough

As off the wall as the first debate was, just wait until the next few come up! The Vice President one is shaping out to be just as entertaining with Harris and Pence each seeking vengeance for their ego wounded running mates. To cheer you up, though, imagine what would have happened if Kanye had made it this far. Trump v Yeezus … oh my. That feels like we somehow dodged a bullet.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

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