Marketing South Patch Kids as candy is a straight up lie to all the poor, innocent, suckers of the world. How do I know? Well, for one, I am not a poor, innocent, sucker and only buy real candy (i.e. gummy bears and Swedish Fish). Side note: chocolate is not candy because it’s so amazing it’s in a class all its own. Feel free to @ me, I don’t care what you think because I’m right and you’re wrong. Yet, for some reason, those horrible bitter little children are “popular”. Let me help you out. According to Google, candy is defined as ‘a sweet food made with sugar or syrup combined with fruit, chocolate, or nuts’. I will admit though, that sometimes Google is not all knowing, so I took my search to the OG dictionary, and Merriam-Webster defines candy as ‘something that is pleasant or appealing in a light or frivolous way’.

Last time I checked, Sour Patch Kids are not sweet … initially, I know they supposedly sweeten up after destroying your taste buds with that awful sour punch, but I think that’s just your mouth returning to a normal palate. They also have nothing to do with fruit, chocolate, or nuts so not off to a good start here. Continuing down the candy definition, they are NOT pleasant OR appealing in a light and frivolous way (they’re sticky and heavy and gross).

I’m just now realizing, though, that the point of this post was not to rant about my major dislike of sour candies, really, the kids just fit best in the analogy. No, in fact it was to talk about how much I dislike people (real, live people, not candy people) that act like Sour Patch Kids. The ones who are sour at first and absolutely ruin your appetite for no reason. Like, I don’t know who peed in your Cheerios this morning, but I did not do whatever it is you’re upset about to you. I’m not some voodoo doctor stabbing your doll person and shouting out curses on you and your family. Believe it, or not, I have much, much, much better things to do with my life. These people are so sour it’s mind-numbing … literally. They don’t even know who they’re supposed to be angry with so they pick the first available person. Regardless of their role in the situation. 

Oh, you’re upset because Amazon’s HQ2 is moving into town? I got this free Amazon shirt at a conference, I don’t work for them – even if I did, you screaming at me (a random citizen) is not going to make its way up the corporate ladder and have the boss hogs up there decide to scrap the whole idea. I wouldn’t pass along your feedback, even if I did work for them. Why? Because you’re unpleasant, and I don’t like unpleasant things. It seems like you’re mad because the store is out of your favorite brand of laundry detergent? I am simply trying to do my grocery shopping. I don’t work here, don’t slam your cart into mine and demand I give you the laundry detergent – that’s not how this works. First come, first served. I owe you nothing. Complain to someone who cares like the fly on that wall over there.

My least favorite part of the live Sour Patch Kids, though, is when they all of a sudden turn sweet. It’s not subtle. It’s not fun. It’s sickly, and too much, and leaves a bad aftertaste. You just screamed at me until you were red in the face and now you want to bless me and my family and hope I have a good day? Well, ok, thank you for that, but it feels a little too late at this point if you know what I’m saying. I’ll hope your day gets better to the point where your blood pressure drops back into a healthy range. And I’ll hope that your face returns to a normal skin color and not one of a lobster. But other than that, I hope I never cross paths with you again. Long story short, people who act this way are sour, then sweet, and overall slightly childish so that makes them Sour Patch Kids … ugh.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who is a Sour Patch Kid, tell them to take a hike – they don’t belong in the candy aisle. Thanks for reading!

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