HOW PREDICTABLE ARE HALLMARK MOVIE PLOTS?

Have you ever watched a Hallmark Channel movie? I won’t make you raise your hand since that’s something we still aren’t openly admitting to in society. It’s a fun little secret between you, your TV, and your cable provider. Similar to those who watch Lifetime and QVC. Or when we buy a pint of ice cream and tell ourselves it will be at least two servings when we know good and well it will be gone tonight. We’ve all done it, just maybe not publicly. 

If you’ve never seen a Hallmark Channel movie, you’re missing out on a whole amazing genre. The predictable dramance category. It’s truly an experience. An experience that can happen once and then you can use your knowledge to make highly educated guesses on all future endeavors into the category. In other words, if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. And everyone has seen a Hallmark movie. Or a Hallmark movie commercial. Or been friends with a basic who mentions watching a Hallmark holiday movie. One and the same really.

So it’s been established that everyone has seen, heard of, or had a general knowledge of the existence of the Hallmark Channel movies. Now, I love a good Hallmark holiday movie. They always have happy endings and what better time than the holidays to lie to ourselves about the only possible outcome for life – happiness. Also, their winter themes are on point. Kudos to the set team who always brings the magic of the holidays to the screen. Winter wonderlands, white Christmases, perfectly decorated Hannukahs, holiday lights, adorable children, courteous and caring adults, zero family drama, perfectly cooked meals, the protagonist working in their dream job making no money but living in a beautiful historic home with endless hours off work, a gorgeous, on the inside and out, character that they will fall in love with. Everything is so believable and realistic. 

Just in case you are not aware of the Hallmark movie experience, let me give you a quick run down. This plot can be taken and applied to every single movie shown on that channel. I’m guessing the writers cut corners and simply have a plot template where character names and backstories can be written in to create a “new”, “fresh”, and “unique” movie. Clearly they never worked part-time at Wendy’s or they would know not to cut corners. Square burgers are simply better. More surface area. More burger. Less bun. Does life get better? Yes! With sea salt seasoned fries. Ugh, fast food burger / fry combo perfection. I’ve made myself hungry and lost the direction of this post. My apologies.

Anyways, let’s break down the plot template. Protagonist has either just moved to town, or is a native. They either are working their dream job, or are struggling in their peasant job while constantly day-dreaming and others about their dreams constantly. They are single. They are looking for love. They are gorgeous. They are either in the holiday spirit, or have been traumatized by love around the holidays and now hate this season. They are always wealthy, despite the same job in real life barely meeting the poverty line. Supporting characters may be family, friends, older town residents (potentially former babysitters?), children, pets, or strangers. Antagonist is always the direct opposite of the protagonist. Have either just moved to town, or is a native. They either are working their dream job, or are struggling in their peasant job while constantly day-dreaming and telling others about their dreams constantly. They are single. They are looking for love. They are gorgeous. They are either in the holiday spirit, or have been traumatized by love around the holidays and now hate the season. They are always wealthy, despite the same job in real life barely meeting the poverty line. Supporting characters may be family, friends, older town residents (potentially former babysitters?), children, pets, or strangers. The set is always in a cute little holiday town where everyone goes all out and is just tickled for it to be winter. It always ends happily ever after for all characters involved.

There you have it! And despite the same story getting told over and over by simply changing character, and town, names we can’t get enough. It’s not the holidays in our house if you don’t watch at least one corny Hallmark movie. Because deep down we like that they all end in happily ever after. Especially during the holidays. There are no problems during the holidays. If there are, you aren’t drinking enough eggnog – know what I mean? Too much amazing food and drinks to not be able to put yourself in a good mood. It’s the best time of year after all! Put a smile on! Even if it’s fake.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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