NEW YEAR, NEW YOU, NEW SHOES, NEW DO

Fireworks, parties, friends, family, good food, better liquor, poor decisions – I’m talking about New Year’s! When the calendar resets and not so subtly reminds us to do the same with our lives. Snarky little devil that Father Time is. What was the arbitrary decision behind a 365, 12 month calendar year? Something about the Earth orbiting the Sun? In my professional opinion, just because the Earth starts over doesn’t mean I have to. Besides, the Earth just keeps going in circles and nothing changes, which seems like the complete opposite of everything we celebrate with a new year and a chance to start fresh down an entirely different path?

According to its all-knowing Wikipedia page, a New Year’s Resolution is ‘a tradition … in which a person resolves to change an undesired trait or behavior, to accomplish a personal goal or otherwise improve their life.’ Ok, wow, that seems deep and highly targeted at all of the bad choices we have made at some point in our lives … why don’t we ever make resolutions like “I am the sh*t, I effing love myself, haters gon hate, this year I’m focusing on continuing to slay like the bad mamma jamma that I am

Aside from the questionable decisions I make on a daily basis, I’m basically living my best life. Aren’t we all, though? If a stranger came up to you, or stalked you on social media, you most likely wouldn’t slog through some sob story about your confidence levels and your entry-level position in a field completely unrelated to your degree or how your significant other doesn’t text you back fast enough and you’re having doubts about the whole relationship and on and on and on. NO! Because that stranger would leave your sorry page for something more exciting. We are selfish creatures by nature. Don’t believe me? You 100% thought of yourself telling someone that story while reading this paragraph.

So we show and tell our highlight reel to seem “fine” and “happy”. To make our closest friends, family, and random followers jealous. Life is funny like that. Enter the New Year celebrations and Father Time. You won’t openly address your failures or frustrations from the past year, so an entire holiday was created to celebrate just that. Oh, you didn’t find a job, that’s ok! Make it your resolution! I see, you wanted to stop dating f-boys, but you got lonely. Never fear, New Year’s is here! Makes total sense that you wanted to eat healthier, but it was cheaper and easier to just go with the processed stuff. I forgive you, and so does the calendar – resolution that sucker up! 

And so we all start off so strong: next year I’m going to cure cancer, solve world hunger, find my self-esteem, enjoy a life full of inner peace, lose every ounce of fat on my body, and get 10 different suitors for marriage. Super easy! Enter January 2: you know, I don’t want to stretch myself too thin so I’ll stick to positive affirmations and starting a workout routine. Oh the resolve that we all have. Research has shown that only 8% of people accomplish their resolutions. 8%?! Pretty sure that’s about the amount of real meat in a McDonald’s chicken nugget. What happens to the other 92% of us? Natural selection, that’s what.

If you’ve never seen one of those really informative documentaries on space and all it’s gajillion galaxies narrated by Neil deGrasse Tyson, let me summarize quickly so we are all on the same page moving forward: basically, you’re not special. Moving on … so the universe is supposedly infinite and we all exist in multiple different dimensions of reality. Do we subconsciously know this and are we simply chasing after the version of us that we want? What does that version of me set as a resolution? To keep moving further ahead? What a ho! I am you and you are me so we should both want to achieve bliss together, right? 

I’m starting to feel a bit like a conspiracy theorist so that seems like a good resolution for the upcoming year: stop overthinking stupid things I have no control over. I bet that will get me solidly through MLK day. After that, well if history is a good indicator, I’ll be one of the 92 percenters that give up and go back to the comfort of my current life – constantly confused about how the world works and why it is that way.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who sticks to their New Year’s resolutions then you should follow their example and try to boost our success numbers. Clearly they are doing something right and we can all learn from them. Thanks for reading!


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