TREADMILLS ARE MODERN DAY TORTURE DEVICES

It’s summertime, which means that it’s warm outside and the humidity devil is well upon us. And who wants to run in a literal sauna? Not me, that’s for freaking sure. I usually don’t want to run in general because there are so many other options today in the fitness industry that are not as boring. Yet I still do it from time to time so that I don’t feel as bad about eating entire pints of ice cream by myself or missing 100% of my stand hours during a work day.

Until recently I genuinely believed that no human looked forward to the humidity. Except for those who willingly choose to live in Florida, of course. You might as well put yourself in an oven and bake – that’s how it feels every time you step outside in the deep deep south. Regardless, I finally met someone who prefers 100% humidity over any other weather. And the kicker is that they live up north. Like north, north. So I’m not fully connecting the dots there, and I thought I was super weird, but now I realize that there are some even weirder than I.

But I digress. Running. Heat. Humidity. Bleh. For the sane of us, we tend to look inwards when faced with this challenge. Inwards to the gym where there are running devices that prevent us from having to lose every ounce of water weight we have in 30 seconds. I’m talking about the treadmill. I have to be honest, when you look through the cardio section and see treadmills stacked up next to stationary bikes, ellipticals, stair steppers, rowing machines, etc. they look very unassuming. Like an awkward shaped L with no pedals, or fancy buttons, or preferred form, or anything. That’s how they get you.

Treadmills are evil. They draw you in with their guise of quick and simple to use while failing to mention you will be on the most monotonous ride of your life. Literally, you go nowhere. Part of the appeal (strong word, I know, but it’s on the pro side) for running is getting to explore, be outdoors, and get to move about. The manufactured machine removes all of those options from the overall experience. There is no exploring. There is no outdoors. There is no moving about. It’s all simulated in screens that take you through foreign lands and beautiful trails, or towns, to trick you into thinking you’re having a good time.

While I appreciate the technological advancements, and drone footage hours, that lead to perceived exploration, it’s not the same as being on those trails. Staying on this topic a bit longer, why are so many of the covered areas uphill? Why would you trick me into thinking I have to exert more energy? I constantly find myself getting closer and closer to the screen because my incline is on 0, but in my mind I’m climbing a mountain. 

Also, why are all of the trails so narrow? Why do none of the people who accidentally get caught in the filming process never know the drone is there until it’s literally on their head and they get startled? That startles me! I like to give fellow people a good berth when running so they don’t think I’m trying to pickpocket them. Or scare them as the technology version likes to do. Share the road, SHARE THE SIDEWALK, share the airspace, just share. I have to believe that whoever is flying them can see the people ahead and have the ability to avoid them … but apparently that is also incorrect. 

If the fake nature isn’t your jam, you can always turn to the TVs in the gym for mindless entertainment. Although they always, always, are on either the news, some ridiculous drama, a cooking show, or a sports network. The news is as boring as running and is always so depressing – hard pass. Dramas are my least favorite option anyways – the world has enough drama, I don’t need fake drama. The cooking shows always make me hungry, which is not ideal in the middle of a workout. And the sports networks remind me that I’m a mere peasant in the fitness world compared to the professional athletes out there who get paid to run indoors. Basically, all of those options suck too.

I guess you could also watch people, but you have to be sneaky about it. Have you ever caught someone running on a treadmill hardcore staring at you? It’s terrifying. The intensity of the glare, mostly because they’re running and it’s hard to look like you don’t hate everything when you’re running, combined with the sweat and heavy breathing is honestly a bit creepy. In short, there are not good eye wandering options indoors on the treadmill. There’s really no good reason to get on a treadmill. If you must run, go outdoors. But know that it’s 2021 and there are lots, I mean LOTS, of better alternative cardio options.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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