Mmm football season. Tailgate season. Cornhole season. Really, all year is cornhole season, but there’s nothing like fall sports for your inner extreme bag-tossing machine of a self to make an appearance. And to do it anywhere. Pool parties, cookouts, friends houses, strangers houses, a friend’s tailgate, a stranger’s tailgate, in the middle of Dick’s Sporting Goods. If there’s a board, with a hole, and a stray bean bag lying around, I will pick it up and throw it. Then if I’m not satisfied with my performance, I will walk to the other board, pick up my bag, and throw it again. 

Who came up with this? Honestly, someone was sitting around with their friends, probably drinking the wet toast of beers, Coors Light, and thought you know what sports needs? Bean bags and wooden boards with a singular hole in them. I need to stop right here because that is, well, it’s an idea. Shockingly simple, extremely addictive, and now we spend our free time trying to get it in the hole. Take that as you will. I think the question we really need to be asking ourselves, is why there’s professional cornhole leagues. Because that implies that certain players practice enough to become a professional. At a bean bag toss. What has life come to?

I love a good game of cornhole. I hate a game of cornhole in which my team does not perform as expected. I am what one might refer to as an American stereotype. And I’m cool with that. As long as I can toss some back and throw some in. Now, if you’re anything like me and have been observing recent competitions, you may be thinking to yourself, wow, cornhole is America and America is really just a game of cornhole. How so, everyone who has never thought that once in their life may be asking? It’s simple, really – let’s break it down:

Efficiency

Why call it Throw the Corn in the Hole, when you can eliminate unnecessary words? Well if that isn’t America in a nutshell, what is? Why take vacation when you could just keep working? Why write out the whole word when the vowel that makes up the main sound will do?

Simplicity

There’s one hole and all you have to do is throw the bag into it. How much harder can life get? Likewise, the American business model has eliminated frivolous things from distracting workers such as snacks in the office, and a work-life balance. Who needs life anyways when you have work? It’s a simple choice.

Competition

I’ve never seen people get more upset about a bag of corn then when they’re throwing it at a hole, myself included. Meanwhile in America, the competition for jobs, college acceptance, friendships, relationships, sports, fast food restaurants, a front row parking spot, etc. could not be more intense.

Beverage Consumption

If you can play while you drink, you better believe you can’t play when you don’t. It’s like a millennial’s version of Murphy’s Law. Anything you do drunk is something you can not do sober … probably for more than one reason. And who is leading the world in continuing to supersize what a Small soda looks like? Yes! America! The only place where 32oz. Is a small, special order, drink size.

Adaptability

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that cornhole may have stemmed from some key aspects of other activities. Such as golf and sex. Not sure if there’s an official catchphrase, but it would definitely be ‘get in the hole’. If there’s a country that knows how to take traditions and adjust them accordingly to better fit their needs, it’s definitely the USA. 

Versatility

Cornhole may be the official sport of tailgating, but don’t let that stop you from playing on the roof of a frat house, or outside of church, or at a grocery store promotional sale. Wherever the board fits, a game can be played. Much like how America has strategically integrated with multiple other countries’ economies. Wherever a debt fits, an economic channel can be opened.

Teamwork

Makes the dream work! Trust your partner, encourage your partner, trash talk the other team with your partner. We Americans love working together to get things done. Our government has given us an absolute prime example of how to collaborate, communicate, and cockblock.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

---

FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.