IF MY DOG HAD AN INSTAGRAM

My dog is derpy in the best possible way. All fellow pet owners out there probably feel very similar about their furry best friends. There are, of course, exceptions to the derpiness rule. Some people have animals that could probably take some high paying jobs from humans if we’re being honest. These pets could probably pass a driving test and perform better than the majority of currently licensed humans. Better yet, they could probably train themselves to use the indoor plumbing and make the bed every morning.

Those pets are like your mature children. The ones that you never really worry about because you know, deep down, that at 8 years old they’re already doing better than you at your current age. Then you have the other kids who need constant supervision for simple survival on an hour by hour basis. The ones that keep you up at night with the fear of how long they’ll be living with you until they’re finally mature enough to move out … and not leave the oven on overnight, or forget to take the leaves off the rhubarb when making a pie.

Like most functional families, however, if there are multiple children, not all of them are the sharpest tool in the shed. Otherwise your natural selection odds would be unfairly stacked. So you end up with (hopefully) one, maybe two, oddballs, but the rest are your adorable children whom you still love equally. You’re just prepared to get more quality years with those – this could excite you, this could terrify you, this could make you feel conflicted. Regardless, we all have that child, sibling, friend, and / or pet that errs on the side of confusion. In the most beautiful, genuine way possible.

All this talk about kids has both myself, my mother, and my grandparents way off track. Let’s walk this post back to the main topic which is our derpy pets. And how amazing it would be if that derpiness transferred to the most popular photo sharing site: Instagram. Per usual, some people get work done while at work and I spend my time thinking about what it would be like if my dog had her own Instagram.

I’m not referring to a pet’s Instagram page where a human manages the content. That’s cheating. That is a human having another Instagram where they put up pictures of their pets. Granted, I’m a sucker for a good pet gram. The photos are just so cute and it always makes me smile! What I’m referring to is if my dog had access to a smartphone and managed the content herself. For fun, let’s assume she has learned how to hold things (AKA the phone), knows how to read / write, through trial and error has figured out how to take a picture, and has also become savvy as to how it gets posted on her account.

Now that we’re all on fantasy island where our pets have the same amount of intelligence as small humans, we should talk about what would happen if they were in charge of sharing pictures of themselves. I don’t know about you, but my dog LOVES to look at herself in the mirror. She also somehow knows when you’re taking a picture of her and most of the time poses for it. Unless someone else, or something else, is also in the frame – in those cases she is anti-picture. In other words, she’s a bit self-centered. With this data, I have to make the educated guess that 100% of her posts would be selfies. Not cute selfies either. Up close, staring down her nose so it looks a mile long, full frame dog face selfie.

My guess is that you may be wondering why she wouldn’t post pictures of her favorite things. Squeaky toys, squirrels, the outdoors, any sort of food, her leash, the couch, her dog bed, her humans, the television, etc. and I think that answer is simple. Because for as much of a diva as my pupper is, she truly lives life to the fullest and gets the most out of every moment. When she’s sitting on the porch watching squirrels her mind is incapable of focusing on anything but the squirrels. So a picture is out of the question. When she’s chowing down on a bowl full of kibbles, and maybe some human scraps, she doesn’t even know what’s happening around her. So, once again, a picture is out of the question. 

Given all the data points, I have to believe that my previous educated guess would be a reality. If my dog had an Instagram it would be purely awkward angle selfies. Lucky for her, she looks good at every angle and gives absolutely zero cares about what people think about her. As long as they’re willing to give her attention and pet her belly they could troll her all day long and she’ll still run towards them everytime she sees them – like they’re best friends.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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