I DON’T ALWAYS EAT UNTIL I CAN’T MOVE … WAIT, YES I DO!

The holiday season is probably the most divisive three months of the entire year. Sure, it’s a time to be thankful, and joyful, and giving, and terrified (you can get my full thoughts on Halloween’s place in the season HERE), but it’s also a time to pick a side and fight for it. No, I’m not talking about a political side, or a side of the dinner table, or a side of the family – those can be chosen at any time of the year. You don’t need pumpkins, dead turkeys, or cookies to do that to yourself.

Obviously I’m talking about when it’s acceptable to begin decorating for Christmas and playing some classic carols non-stop. In my experience, people tend to fall into one of these three categories:

  • Thanksgiving is a full on holiday and I don’t even get merry for Christmas until Black Friday
  • Thanksgiving is just a happy accident on the way to the best holiday of the year
  • All holidays are the same and should be treated equally

I’m not even going to touch that last category – you’re just wrong and that’s not true at all. Don’t be that person. Pick at least one to go all in for! Personally, I tend to fall into the middle category and if you’re with me, let’s drink some eggnog and play All I Want for Christmas is You on repeat. For everyone else, the ones in the first category in case you couldn’t keep up, I do not understand you at all. ‘You can’t skip Thanksgiving! It’s a time to be thankful and eat all of the food!’ – Thanksgiving lovers.

Mmkay … first of all, you should just be thankful like all of the time. If you need a holiday to remind you of that then it might be time to reevaluate your priorities. Yes, you get to eat … a lot. You know when else you can eat a lot though? THE ENTIRE CHRISTMAS SEASON! Which is 12 days long traditionally, 25 days if you’re Freeform, or year round if you’re like me so why do I want one day to eat when I can have multiple? I’m a big fan of eating (THAT’S NO SECRET), but Thanksgiving is just one day. 24 hours. That’s it. Nothing more. What is the appeal of that? 

Might I also point out that the Thanksgiving meal is shockingly similar to Christmas dinner. But without all the delicious cookies and holiday drinks. Makes no sense to me. I don’t need someone to tell me it’s ok to eat until my pants start to feel way too tight. I’m a grown adult, I can do that any day of the week. Don’t get me wrong, I love having those days off work and seeing my family. But it does bother me that both Thanksgiving and Black Friday are company holidays while only Christmas day is. Christmas Eve is just as big a deal. Corporate America never ceases to confuse me.

Anyways, to be clear, this is not a post complaining about Thanksgiving itself. It’s more of a general confusion around all the people who wait until the day after to begin celebrating Christmas. Can your spirit literally not handle double the joy and excitement? Why get excited for one holiday when you can be psyched up for two? Again, this is very simple math. 2 > 1. 12 > 1. 25 > 12 > 1. 365 > 25 > 12 > 1.

I have zero shame when it comes to Christmas. November 1 I take in my desk decorations and it’s a miracle I hold out until then because, if we’re honest, it’s never too early to be put in a hella amazing mood by looking at Christmas lights. It’s always a fun game to see how long after the New Year that my co-workers tolerate me keeping it up … my current record is February 8 and I think next year I’m going to beat that. Mostly since my main co-worker at the moment is my dog and she doesn’t care. Then it’s basically time to get stoked for that year’s Christmas so I don’t know why I even give in to peer pressure and take it down. I am a peacock, let me spread my wings and be merry!

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you love Christmas as much as I do, let’s debate who sings the best versions of each classic Christmas song. If you are a Thanksgiving turkey, then you may have your holiday, but come Black Friday, you better be jollier than Santa stealing cookies from random houses all over the world. Thanks for reading!


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A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DOG

Oh, to be a dog. Literally. Not a dog in the sense that you lead on multiple people at once and have zero moral feelings about playing with other people’s emotions. Those types of dogs have some karma coming for them. But actually dogs … for sure I want that life! Zero responsibility, zero shame, zero regrets, zero stress. What is not to love about that?! It’s the epitome of living in the moment and only in the moment. There is no concept of past, present, or future. There is just you and whatever has captivated your current attention. Which could be anything.

If you’re not a dog lover, then I guess the next best thing to picture is probably a television dog. Because, let’s be honest, no other animal compares to the love, loyalty, and happiness that is embodied by dogs. Cats definitely do not. Fish most certainly do not. Hedgehogs, snakes, rabbits, goats, horses, etc. also do not. I know what some dog owners may be thinking right now, though. My dog has been hella needy lately since I’m home all the time and sometimes I just can’t. Hmmm … this is a valid feeling. But let’s back up for a second.

When you come home from anywhere (even from just going to get the mail), who is more excited to see you? Your spouse or the dog? Hands down, zero question, the dog! When you haven’t been to the gym in a while, because who has free time at the moment, who will force you to get some exercise? Your spouse or the dog? Again, absolutely the dog! Your spouse might drop not-so-subtle hints, but the dog has to use the bathroom somehow. When you’re deep in an issue at work and are frustrated, stressed, and hangry, who will come put their head on your lap and give you that look? I’m not going to ask spouse or dog because it could go either way. But for fun let’s say only the dog! 

I have come to the conclusion that dogs have 3 main states of being. There is the attention state, the eating state, and the exercise state. I also have these 3 states, but add another 20(ish), or so, other options and that’s my pie chart. Which is about 20(ish) slices too many. In case the different options for emotions are unclear, I will explain:

The Attention State

Anytime the dog is being admired, loved, petted, talked about, surrounded by, thought of, engaged with, playing with, etc. people

The Eating State

Anytime the dog is actively consuming something. I’m not going to limit it strictly to food, because we all know a dog will eat anything in addition to their kibbles and human food – bugs, sticks, crumbs, other animal’s gifts to nature, etc.

The Exercise State

Anytime the dog is not resting. So any outdoor time, chasing squirrels time, going for a walk time, zoomies time, playing with a rope by themselves time, wrestling time, tug-of-war time, running down the stairs to check on who knows what time, etc.

Now, imagine if those were the only three mental states that could possibly consume your day? Wow! Mind-blown emoji moment. Where’s the stress? Where’s the grudges? Where’s the overthinking? Where’s the relationship drama? Where’s the money problems? Where’s the unrealistic body expectation issues? So many annoying things just gone. Poof! Like a magic wand. And the best part? Even if there is a temporary moment of naughtiness and the humans bring out the discipline, there is no short-term memory to tell you to sulk and think about how you’re going to get revenge. Because once it’s over, it’s over! You’re just happy all the time. I think we could all learn a little something from their existence.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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LOTS OF SKILLS AND NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM

General education development. GED’s for all you acronym lovers out there (talking to myself mostly, but I know there’s some other weirdos out there, too). What a fascinating use of our education system. If I listed all of the times that I put my Gen Ed to use in the real world, it would take up literally zero space. Say it ain’t so! Yes, unfortunately, all of my current knowledge comes from Google. When I don’t remember something, I turn to Internet Einstein. The all-knowing search engine that only sometimes lets me down. Although usually the let down is a personal ineptitude in search keywords, so I guess I can’t really blame that on someone else. I go more into my feels on the Google, and how literally anything is Google-able, in THIS POST.

College did teach me a lot of things. Mmm … wait, let me rephrase. College forced me to take classes across a disturbingly wide variety of topics in the hopes that I would learn a lot of things and be “well-rounded”. Things like the history of ancient ruins in early Rome. Creative writing and scientific research – conflicting concepts, one assignment. The life of Beyoncé (ok this wasn’t actually a waste, let’s be honest). How to be a wizard – spoiler alert: it’s more difficult than Harry and Hermoine make it seem. The American prison system. Modern day mathematics. All the tree species in rural Africa. So many, what’s the right word, curious offerings.

Still not really sure how those are helpful in navigating real-life issues. Such as filing taxes, applying for health insurance, receiving feedback at work, correctly bagging groceries in self-checkout (when do I have to bag and when is it alright not to? It’s so confusing!), how to remain calm in a highway parking lot (more on annoying traffic patterns in THIS POST), navigating the strange world of online dating, etc.

Somehow, that seems like a better use of my money. If college was free, then this would be a different story. Give me all the classes you’re marketing as required so they don’t get nixed from the offerings list and keep me there forever. Because that is what this is about right? Struggling departments trying to meet butts in seats requirements so they become part of everyone’s coursework. I can imagine this conversation vividly:

Board of Trustees: “Department A hasn’t seen the enrollment numbers we were promised. Let’s take it to the guillotine, it’s been real.

Chancellor: “No, wait! Let’s not make rash decisions. We can force all of our students to take at least one of their classes – it will make them more marketable.” 

Moral of the story is that college is apparently for suckers like me. Trying to do the right thing and get a piece of paper so people will think I know what I’m doing and might consider hiring me. The hard irony being that when you actually walk across the stage they give you a blank piece of paper. Symbolism for the blank spaces on your resume where your experience could have been, but you were forced to learn about how grocery stores arrange their shelves to coerce shoppers into buying certain products. Not unfascinating, but also not helpful in an interview for an engineering position.

Believe it or not, if I wanted to take some of these classes, I would have made that my major. Or I would have done it willingly and not cared about the cost. For three whole credits though, I expect a solid return on investment there. I pay you so that eventually someone will pay me. Yet here we are, not writing bibliographies, not analyzing rocks from my yard, not identifying tree varieties in the local park, not doing math, not mixing chemicals together to see a reaction, not looking at cells under a microscope, not casting spells, etc. No, if I need to do any of that, I look it up online. Clearly the most important part of my education has stuck with me then – how to use my resources to efficiently find a solution to a problem.

Why they force us to take tests without technology is beyond me. I’m not sure how proving that you can remember something for a small period of time after staying up all night studying is applicable in a job environment. Where you have computers. And the Internet. And everyone encouraging you / telling you to figure it out yourself (aka with the help of a robot like Google, Alexa, Siri, Watson, etc.).

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who has also experienced the tragedy of GED’s, share this with them so they can take solace in the fact that college doesn’t just hate them. It’s a universal issue. Thanks for reading!


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HOW EARLY IS TOO EARLY? HOLIDAY MUSIC EDITION

You already know what time of year it is! Holiday season is in full swing. The weather wants to get colder, but some of us in the South are still living in heavy after-effects of summer. Much to the disappointment of our northern brethren probably. Football season is, for the most part, happening. The Masters just wrapped up. Themed store displays, and candy, are everywhere. Halloween was less terrifying than usual due to social distancing at haunted houses. Pumpkin flavored everything is available. The news is talking about how to enjoy a virtual Thanksgiving with your loved ones. Or, for the daredevils of the world, how to safely meet in person. You know, just a standard year filled with standard holiday happenings. 

One of my favorite things about this time of year, outside of the lights, is the holiday music scene. Well … let me rephrase. One of my favorite things about any time of the year is holiday music. It just brings a whole new hype level when we’re actually within the 55 day mark. Which, of course, is HALLOWEEN. A most ironic symbol. Terrifying horror stories kick off the final countdown to love, peace, and joy. And fresh starts. I think for most people, all we want for Christmas is for 2021 to finally arrive. But also the iPhone 12 because we still have people to impress on social media.

Despite my personal feelings on the matter, I’m very aware that not everyone is in the same sleigh here. Everyone has their ‘it’s too early’ line and are rarely willing to cross it. Which then begs the existential crisis of a question – how early is too early? I tend to think that your answer to this very much depends on where you stand on Thanksgiving. Specifically on the following questions that I have answered to help clear up any confusion:

  • Is it a holiday? 
    • Yes! Of course it’s a holiday – some 401 years ago someone landed here and ate to celebrate. And so we continue to celebrate their miraculous sea voyage out of respect
  • Is it a holiday that needs a buildup? 
    • Definitely not! It’s a meal. At the end of the day, it’s simply a family meal. A typical Sunday lunch for some people. Just with more effort involved in cooking and cleaning
  • Is it a holiday we decorate for?
    • Nope! What would you do? Throw out some gourds, put leaves on your walls, and place a fake cornucopia in the middle of the table? So basically if you were decorating for the leaves changing colors then, ok
  • Is there specific Thanksgiving events that would lead to an intense hype? 
    • There are! Turkey Trots anyone? Because deep down we know what kind of annihilation we’ll be bringing on our stomachs later in the afternoon so we try to get ahead of it
  • Is it really just a few days off work? 
    • Technically, yes! It’s just part of the standard holiday days at most companies. Along with Black Friday because we’re all too full to move still. And thus productivity would be non-existent
  • Is it simply another excuse to supersize our meals? 
    • For sure! There’s literally zero reason that Thanksgiving dinner needs to have more food than a normal family would prep in a week. Also, what’s with the skipping lunch tradition? Hard pass – I still want 3 meals that day regardless of how it happens
  • Is it just an old tradition that involved food so we stuck with it? 
    • Probably! What other holidays survived? Ones that involve eating, or drinking in some fashion. Give the people what they want!
  • Is it necessary? 
    • 100%! If we didn’t have Thanksgiving we would just have this weird almost 2 months between Halloween and Christmas where panic would ensue. There would be no clear, this is now Christmas time, for all the people who believe Thanksgiving deserves 3+ weeks of buildup. When would they start listening to holiday music? When would they decorate with trees and snowmen and elves? Would they just accidentally miss Christmas?! The horror
  • Is there an exchanging of gifts?
    • If you’re asking this question, you clearly are the person who listens to All I Want For Christmas is You one time and plays Silent Night before bed on Christmas Eve. Then preps for New Year’s. Gifts? Of food maybe

Not sure if that clears up your dilemma on when you believe it’s socially acceptable to turn those holiday jams on. But if you agreed with any of my answers, jump aboard the 55 day train and blast some Mariah, some JB, some Kelly, some PTX, or anyone else you enjoy! If you feel bad about Thanksgiving, don’t. There’s still plenty of people out there who are giving the turkeys their fair share of time. Besides, it’s not like you’re not going to celebrate it? Thanksgiving will still get its day of love and full bellies. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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STAGES OF LIFE: AS TOLD THROUGH SOCIAL MEDIA

Social media is everywhere. On our phones, on our computers, on our watches, on our TVs, in our cars, in the office, on every website, on QR codes hanging from any and all surface areas, on voice activated home assistants, etc. And it comes in many different forms. There’s professional social media, flaunt social media, rant social media, unprofessional / expressive social media, discussion social media, evidence will last forever social media, and evidence only lasts as long as you specify social media. So many options, there’s a platform for everyone!

One of my new favorite hobbies is to ask strangers what their most used social media app is and try to guess their general age range. In my head, of course, because there are certainly outliers to this data set. Like with all good, non-research conducted, totally opinionated based on the researcher’s experiences, non-scientifically backed in any way studies. Also, that would be rude if I just blurted it out. Especially if it was wrong, or if they’re embarrassed, or if they don’t want everyone in Bed, Bath, and Beyond knowing their age.

For all of my introverted readers, you’re probably melting at the thought of participating in this hobby. That’s fine, it’s not for everyone. But, I have learned some interesting things that I can share with you. Without any need for social interaction on your part. Let’s examine some data I found / collected / assumed about the 9 most common social platforms that people use today (*NOTE: zero part of this has actually been researched and all information presented is my take on life):

TikTok

Pre-COVID: primarily used by Gen Z and hard-core judged by millennials and beyond

COVID: everyone has lost all shame, and concern for Chinese spies, and are now participating

Post-COVID: TBD, but this won’t be the first thing I throw out when we get through this mess

Snapchat

Concentrated in Gen Z and younger millennials. The point system is attractive to our senses of controlling our destiny on the leaderboard of life.

Instagram

Popularized by millennials, acquired by Gen Z, being slowly introduced into Gen Alpha, and containing some forward-thinking Baby Boomers, or people who want to keep up with their younger family members.

Pinterest

Mainly a female social media. Think Instagram meets LinkedIn meets your dreams. It’s an organizer’s online dream and can help you constantly see what you want, in a way that doesn’t involve back-door bragging.

Reddit

The most obscure of the generational breakdown. Reddit kind of appeals to anyone who likes to argue, or put their two cents into any conversation, anonymously. 

Twitter

Outside on Gen Z influencers, Twitter tends to be primarily centered on Baby Boomers and Millennials. Like a modern day newspaper where you can just express yourself, in 280 characters or less, with lots of judgement from all other Twitter users.

Facebook

As we start to phase out even millennials, we begin to question the longevity of this platform. Messenger brought forth a resurgence in “usage” among us young people, but is that really Facebook? No, it’s a chat application that uses your profile picture for convenience and probably data sharing reasons.

LinkedIn

Social is a stretch – professional media feels more appropriate. If you work and are college age and older, you better be on LinkedIn. It’s where you can show how qualified, or unqualified depending on your profile, you are to get paid. Be warned, though, this is not the place to post puppy pictures or talk about your love for Friends. Which is overrated and, like Harry Potter, had it’s time. 

Email

If you answer email as your favorite social app, you clearly are a dinosaur. Email is not a social platform. It is a professional way to communicate with internal and external clients in the workplace. Also to confirm your online shopping orders and track the shipment to know when you have to put pants on and open the door. There is no other use.

There you have it! The stages of life as told through social media. So if you’re crushing your TikTok and Insta game right now and think you’ll never in a million years stop caring about what all of your followers think about you, well, maybe think again. The evidence is quite clear. We will all end up on email forwarding chain mail to our friends and family at some point. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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DEAR MECHANICS: STOP ADJUSTING MY SEAT SETTINGS

Like most good things in life, even cars have their downside. Gas is not free. Traffic and other drivers are the worst (you can read all about my traffic thoughts in THESE POSTS). Any sort of service, or repair, is the most inconvenient thing I’ve ever had to do on multiple occasions. Car commercials set up FALSE EXPECTATIONS which is disappointing. And it takes a minute to get all the settings adjusted perfectly. Especially if you drive a newer model, it’s almost like setting up a computer. So many choices, so many buttons, so many console options, so many seat adjustment levers – ugh.  

Unlike some people, I enjoy driving. It’s thrilling. It’s always an experience. It’s a high risk situation that requires focus. I do not, however, enjoy riding. I’m a terrible passenger. There’s not anything to do but look out the window and judge how close the driver likes to ride the line. Car karaoke is fun, but there’s less pressure as the driver. If you suck, blame it on the fact that you’re paying attention to the road, not on your future singing career. As the passenger, though, you have zero excuse. If you’re not about to belt it out like Carrie Underwood, get out. Someone once asked me how I embodied the restless spirit and I told them to just drive me around. Are we there yet? I’m that passenger.

None of that is really relevant, but here we all are. Having read that paragraph just wondering how it relates to the rest of this post. It doesn’t. I probably won’t tie that loose end up. Not sorry. Anyways … let’s talk about the most annoying / frustrating / time-consuming / expensive (pick your adjective) part of having a car. Having to visit the mechanic. Zero part of that process is convenient. First, you have to schedule a time to either drop off, or wait, on your vehicle. All of the car dealers put baby computers in the cabin now, yet the schedule service form is from the first round of the Internet last century. Why?

After finally figuring out how things used to work and getting an appointment, then you actually have to go. Which is arguably worse. Wait, nope, it’s definitely worse. Your car, and your freedom, are indefinitely gone. If you’re waiting, well you just have to find something to do on your phone, or sit alone with your thoughts, in the service center. Indefinitely. If you drop it off, you need to find a second vehicle to accompany you so you can get back home. Then someone, maybe that same person, will have to take you back to the shop to pick your car up after waiting for it to be serviced. Indefinitely.

That’s a lot of time not knowing what kind of quote they’re going to hit you with. It’s a guessing game, not a fun one, but one nonetheless. Is it fine, or is it ready for the scrap yard? Will my multi-point inspection pass? I came in to get the tires rotated, but is the alignment all jacked up too? So many questions. No answers. It’s a fun time. Whatever it comes back as, I have yet to meet one single person who enjoys spending their money on car service. I most definitely do not. One oil change could get me a night at an AirBnb. Replacing the front brake pads are a couple of party kegs for the weekend rager. Having to get the bumper replaced because the texter behind me forgot they were driving doesn’t technically take my money, but mental energy wise I could have performed at a music festival. 

Then, just like that, you get your keys back! Oh, sweet glory! You are now free to roam anywhere your heart desires again. No road? No problem! Hop up in that 4×4 or risk it in your front wheel drive if you’re feeling a bit hellish. No one can stop you. You’re a lean, mean, driving machine! Except … oh, what’s this? Your seat is too far back, the AC is 10 degrees too cold, the console lighting is now on the opposite side of the color wheel, the seat warmers are turned off, the steering wheel has been lowered, your rearview mirror is no longer helpful, and your side mirrors currently show you the ground. 

How is it that the mechanic who had to make the super long drive from the shop to the front of the store where you were waiting felt it was appropriate to adjust everything? Who do you think you are? We’re not road tripping this thing. It’s not a delivery drop off. No one asked if it was acceptable for them to fix the functional part of my car but totally destroy the aesthetics and comfort parts. This, to me, is a bit rude. If someone trusts me with their vehicle, I wouldn’t even think to change everything so I could be temporarily at home. I would accept my brief time of discomfort so that the next time they got in, it would be ready to go. Besides, the transport time here has to be a minute max.

Imagine if you went to bank and while they deposited your money (after you figure out the PAPER MAZE) they also changed all of your account passwords and security questions for fun. Or if you went to a restaurant and while they made your food decided to come over and completely redesign the table layout and seating arrangements so everyone was eating alone. Or if you went to a tailgate (RIP fall sports) and while you were getting food someone got in your car and changed every single setting. Cause they were sitting in the trunk and didn’t like the mood lighting color choice. None of that would be acceptable and you would definitely not be tipping. So how is it allowed at the car dealers? I don’t know. We may never know. But it’s our harsh reality at the moment.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST SOUR PATCH KIDS

Marketing South Patch Kids as candy is a straight up lie to all the poor, innocent, suckers of the world. How do I know? Well, for one, I am not a poor, innocent, sucker and only buy real candy (i.e. gummy bears and Swedish Fish). Side note: chocolate is not candy because it’s so amazing it’s in a class all its own. Feel free to @ me, I don’t care what you think because I’m right and you’re wrong. Yet, for some reason, those horrible bitter little children are “popular”. Let me help you out. According to Google, candy is defined as ‘a sweet food made with sugar or syrup combined with fruit, chocolate, or nuts’. I will admit though, that sometimes Google is not all knowing, so I took my search to the OG dictionary, and Merriam-Webster defines candy as ‘something that is pleasant or appealing in a light or frivolous way’.

Last time I checked, Sour Patch Kids are not sweet … initially, I know they supposedly sweeten up after destroying your taste buds with that awful sour punch, but I think that’s just your mouth returning to a normal palate. They also have nothing to do with fruit, chocolate, or nuts so not off to a good start here. Continuing down the candy definition, they are NOT pleasant OR appealing in a light and frivolous way (they’re sticky and heavy and gross).

I’m just now realizing, though, that the point of this post was not to rant about my major dislike of sour candies, really, the kids just fit best in the analogy. No, in fact it was to talk about how much I dislike people (real, live people, not candy people) that act like Sour Patch Kids. The ones who are sour at first and absolutely ruin your appetite for no reason. Like, I don’t know who peed in your Cheerios this morning, but I did not do whatever it is you’re upset about to you. I’m not some voodoo doctor stabbing your doll person and shouting out curses on you and your family. Believe it, or not, I have much, much, much better things to do with my life. These people are so sour it’s mind-numbing … literally. They don’t even know who they’re supposed to be angry with so they pick the first available person. Regardless of their role in the situation. 

Oh, you’re upset because Amazon’s HQ2 is moving into town? I got this free Amazon shirt at a conference, I don’t work for them – even if I did, you screaming at me (a random citizen) is not going to make its way up the corporate ladder and have the boss hogs up there decide to scrap the whole idea. I wouldn’t pass along your feedback, even if I did work for them. Why? Because you’re unpleasant, and I don’t like unpleasant things. It seems like you’re mad because the store is out of your favorite brand of laundry detergent? I am simply trying to do my grocery shopping. I don’t work here, don’t slam your cart into mine and demand I give you the laundry detergent – that’s not how this works. First come, first served. I owe you nothing. Complain to someone who cares like the fly on that wall over there.

My least favorite part of the live Sour Patch Kids, though, is when they all of a sudden turn sweet. It’s not subtle. It’s not fun. It’s sickly, and too much, and leaves a bad aftertaste. You just screamed at me until you were red in the face and now you want to bless me and my family and hope I have a good day? Well, ok, thank you for that, but it feels a little too late at this point if you know what I’m saying. I’ll hope your day gets better to the point where your blood pressure drops back into a healthy range. And I’ll hope that your face returns to a normal skin color and not one of a lobster. But other than that, I hope I never cross paths with you again. Long story short, people who act this way are sour, then sweet, and overall slightly childish so that makes them Sour Patch Kids … ugh.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who is a Sour Patch Kid, tell them to take a hike – they don’t belong in the candy aisle. Thanks for reading!


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I JUST REWATCHED TWILIGHT AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

Have you ever sat at home on a cold, rainy day and thought to yourself ‘wow, I’m basically in a Twilight movie’? Me neither, but when the weather sets the mood, you have to just go with the flow. Full disclosure: I’m not really a Twilight saga fan. Pretty much not a fan of anything that deems itself a saga because we all know that saga and drama go hand in hand. Anyways, I decided to rewatch the start of all our vampire fantasies and I have so many shiny questions and observations:

  • Could it start in a more depressing way? ‘I’ve never given much thought to how I would die, but dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go’ as a deer gets chased and murdered. Also Bella is moving from Phoenix to Washington – sunny to rainy I mean come on
  • Nice little Southwest plug at the beginning. No assigned seating and bags fly free – is this foreshadowing of some kind? Probably considering the Cullens sit wherever they want while flying and they don’t take bags
  • The city of Forks is the size of a high school, and yet there’s people everywhere. At all hours of the day. All days of the week
  • Do you know any fathers who play fight with each other in the middle of the street while their kids get acquainted? No? Well that’s how Bella and Jacob meet! They’re adult men. Play fighting in the street. One of them is in a wheelchair. What even is this scene?
  • What’s the best way to stand out at a new school? Roll up in an old rusted truck
  • Let’s talk about character names: Bella Swan – elegant, delicate, clearly fragile and in need of a man. Jacob Black – mysterious, dark, and clearly an antagonist. Edward Cullen – sophisticated, strong, smart, rich and clearly looking to protect someone
  • Is there a male character in this film that isn’t in love with Bella? That’s realistic, thanks again Hollywood for setting expectations
  • Does anyone else think that the Cullens are actually just a cult? They “adopt” children, encourage relationships among them, and convince them that they’re vampires who kill creatures and drink blood for nourishment
  • What does Bella see in Edward? He’s only a solid 6, has an accent that changes throughout the movie, and has a staring problem. What a stud. She’s an idiot, example 1
  • Um, the car “accident” scene … let’s break that down: everyone makes a big deal out of Tyler almost hitting Bella with his car. Maybe if Bella didn’t just hang out in parking lots with her headphones in this wouldn’t have happened. Also, why does no one care about the giant dent in Tyler’s van? Since he didn’t hit anything with his passenger door? Another thing, Charlie’s reaction is way overkill – ‘you can kiss your license goodbye’, calm down, sir, your daughter is fine
  • What public high school has a salad bar? 
  • Is everyone in town a good liar? Or only the vampires and the wolves?
  • When you Google something, do you scroll past all the top hits to find an actual book to go buy and hope it contains the information you need? No and yet Bella searches for Quileute legends and her first choice from the Google results is to go buy a book #lies
  • Of all cars to roll up in to save your girl from a bunch of horny men, a Volvo would not be in my top 10 options. Also, this is Forks, WA, not Fury Road – someone should re-administer Edward’s driving test
  • A list of major red flags that Bella ignores: someone who says they can read minds, someone who willingly admits to stalking you, someone who likes to give vagues answers when asked questions about their behaviors, someone with no friends, someone who comes across as super rude constantly, someone who doesn’t wear a seatbelt while driving, and someone who admits they’re a vampire. She’s an idiot, example 2
  • What on Earth is the weather in this movie? In one scene they’re wearing tank tops and in the other they’re wearing coats. What time of year is it? Is it spring? Is it winter? Nobody knows
  • Say, hypothetically you’ve just discovered someone shows undead characteristics. Would you still pursue them? Would you encourage them to follow you into a foggy forest? Would you keep your back turned while confessing to them that you know their secret? Would you tell them you aren’t afraid that they’re a vampire? The correct answer to all of these questions is, of course, no. She’s an idiot, example 3
  • Heaven forbid that the boy sparkles in sunlight … that is the most disappointing lead up of every movie ever made. I’m a disco ball killer. Poor you
  • Bella doesn’t care that he’s killed people before and that he wants to kill her? She just trusts him? What the actual eff? Are all serial killers really just vampires? She has a lot of unwarranted faith that he can control himself around her. She’s an idiot, example 4
  • Maybe if the Cullens had just gotten 6 kids none of this would have happened? Just give Edward someone, that’s clearly all he wants
  • If Edward comes to pick Bella up for school, right after she’s gotten out of bed, how long does he have to stand outside waiting for her to get ready?
  • Nervous about meeting your significant other’s family? Don’t be! Just watch the scene where Bella gets introduced to the Cullens. It’s cringeworthy. Likewise, their first kiss has got to be as bad as anyone else’s, if not worse. Edward literally jumps across the room
  • I can’t say that spidermonkey is a nickname I’ve been hoping to hear in a relationship
  • Imagine how rich we would all be if we didn’t have to spend money on food? No wonder the Cullens are rolling in the dough
  • Could Charlie be a more American father when he meets Edward for the first time? Shotgun next to him, beers on the table, flannel on. Instill some semblance of control
  • When you think baseball, do you also think vampire drama? Me neither, and yet here’s another Twilight gift for all of us. The Cullens just wanted a nice family outdoor outing. Bonding, staying in shape, enjoying the thunderstorm. Enter the rogue vampire clan and their desire to kill Bella
  • I’m no expert, but I don’t think the best way to throw a vampire off your scent is to ruin your relationship with your father? Honesty, I think, would be more ideal here. ‘Hey, dad, FYI, that animal you’ve been chasing is actually a vampire and now they’re after me, how fun!
  • Isn’t the number one rule of hostage negotiations not to negotiate with terrorists? Is that just a TV show rule? Either way, this is on TV and she’s negotiating with a vampire terrorist. And surprise! Her mom isn’t even there who could have seen that coming?
  • Who actually thought that pepper spray would work against a vampire? She’s an idiot, example 5
  • Poor Mimi is going to open up her Dance Studio and have zero idea what happened to all her mirrors and the floor. Pretty sure insurance won’t believe her and she’ll have to pay for all the repairs out of pocket. Sad day for Mimi
  • Bella apparently tripped, fell down 2 flights of stairs, and went through a window at a hotel? And her mom believes this? No. Absolutely not. Her mom is more naive than she is
  • Edward doesn’t want Bella near him because he can’t control himself, but she just screams no and he changes his mind? Is that what I’ve been doing wrong in relationships?
  • Didn’t Bella break her femur? And yet she has a lower leg cast on at prom? Hmmm
  • Is Mike not wondering why all of a sudden Bella is able to make it to prom despite having a non-refundable ticket to Jacksonville for the weekend? He’s still friends with her despite very clearly being friend-zoned and rejected? That’s not real
  • How does Bella still have friends even though she never hangs out with anyone but Edward?
  • There’s a lot of humans in the world. Why can’t James and Victoria just move on already?

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD JUMP OUT FROM BEHIND A TREE WITH A CHAINSAW AND CHASE ME

Fall is just the best. The leaves change colors, it gets colder (helllloooo flannel weather), football season is in full swing, pumpkin lives everywhere and in everything, desserts become the main food group, Thanksgiving is coming – what is not to love?! That was a rhetorical question for all you readers out there right now thinking one, or more, of the following:

  • I hate the cold, I’d rather it be so hot I can’t tell the difference between the inside of my car and an oven
  • Flannel makes me look like a lumberjack and buttons are for The Pussycat Dolls, not real adults 
  • Pumpkin is the worst food and I hate all pumpkin tasting things
  • Football is confusing, sports are dumb, I wish that schools would do away with athletics and invest the money in useful things like underwater basket-weaving
  • The leaves don’t change color, they die! And then I have to rake and rake and rake and rake and rake and rake and rake and rake them out of my yard
  • I’m on a diet and I don’t “dessert” right now
  • Thanksgiving is just an excuse for our country to get fatter and spend all their money on things they don’t need

Alright all you negative Nancys, gloomy Gregs, cynical Cindys, and pessimistic Petes – I don’t know who threw you into a leaf pile as a child and left you there, without a jacket on, to cry all cold and alone, but I am not here for it. Therapists get paid a lot of money to listen to your traumatizing stories … and last I checked, I am not a therapist. Nor do I even pretend to be, so I’m going to need you to take your sad sack self somewhere else. Or at least fake your happiness for the next few minutes.

Quick tangent (that should make you doubters smile, or at least twitch one side of your mouth slightly): pumpkins belong to the same food family as cucumbers and squash. Get ready for this: it’s the cucurbita family! What a fun word! It’s latin for gourd – also a fun word, but not as freaking fantastic as CUCURBITA. Sounds like an adult beverage … I’ll take one cucurbita margarita, por favor señorita.

Anyways, so we have Fall – this wonderful, magical time of year. Yet, like many (almost) perfect things, there’s always that one little head-scratching quirk you could do without. Enter Halloween – the actual devil’s holiday where we aim to frighten people (of all ages, mind you, because evil doesn’t discriminate) with the most awful, horrific, terrifying creatures and actions we can think of. Nothing is off limits apparently, because it’s the one time of year where vicious acts of violence are not only fantasized on television, but actively praised by audiences.

‘What a great movie, my favorite part was when the killer MURDERED EVERYONE!’ 

‘That movie scared the crap out of me! Especially when the possessed child ripped out the doctor’s throat and MURDERED EVERYONE!’ 

‘I love horror movies because the characters make terrible decisions and EVERYONE GETS MURDERED!’

‘I want to dress up as the grim reaper this year. I really admire his ability to effectively MURDER EVERYONE!’

You sick, demented, souls. How can you like that? Your idea of fun is watching a movie depicting one of the worst sins of all time, and you want to be scared while doing that?! Call me crazy, but I like sleeping peacefully at night. Without thoughts like: ‘I hope the zombie isn’t hiding under my bed waiting to spread the killer plague to me’ or ‘I hope that the loose serial killer isn’t standing behind my shower curtain waiting to end me’ or ‘I hope that there isn’t someone with a chainsaw standing behind this flickering street light waiting to chase me to my death’.

Ugh, Halloween is not for me and I was over it a long, long time ago. Is the candy good? Yes, but I’m an adult now and can simply walk into a safe, well-lit, Target on a Saturday morning and purchase as many bags of Reese’s Pumpkins as I wish (ok, well, actually, only like 3 because they’re expensive and I’m not trying to drop $50 on chocolate). I’m not ashamed, I’ll own it, I’m a bit of a wimp. I get scared way too easily as it is in normal life, I don’t need an extra reason to have a minor heart attack. Judge me all you want – I’m the one safely inside with my three bags of Reese’s watching a feel good Christmas movie while you’re out there running for your life, hoping chainsaw boy isn’t faster than you.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone, or are that someone, who loves Halloween, I highly doubt we would ever be good friends because how could I trust you? Your idea of a good time is enjoying life’s creepiest creatures from the deep, dark depths of hell. Hard pass from me, but thanks for reading!


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WHY EVERY ADULT NEEDS A ONESIE

Quick! What comes to mind when you think of a onesie? Babies? Pajamas? Soulmate? A king size candy bar? I clearly can’t read your mind, not only because I can’t see you, but because we simply have not evolved to that stage of living as a species yet. If you thought of an adult, however, you are clearly a MILLENNIAL. Not everyone has embraced the adult onesie mindset / lifestyle yet, and that makes me a little bit sad. Stop sleeping on onesies, because, in my opinion, every self-respecting adult should own one.

The obvious argument here is Halloween costumes. If nothing else convinces you to consider purchasing a onesie, think of Halloween. How annoying is it to figure out a costume each year? Very. How challenging is it to find the costume you decide on? Very. How original is your costume idea? Probably minimal. How warm will your costume keep you? It won’t. How many times can you reuse this costume? Never. How manageable is standing / walking in the shoes that go with your costume? Not at all. Catching my drift here? Halloween costumes are impractical. They’re overpriced. They usually come with parts, or makeup, that is meant for a one night use only. They aren’t built for keeping you warm, despite the end of October bumping up into winter. And they don’t account for people being on their feet for extended periods of time in them.

Enter the adult onesie. They’re easy to get. They’re affordable. They come in a somewhat disturbingly wide variety of styles. They’re warm. They pair nicely with sneakers. They’re perfect for extroverts because it’s a conversation starter. They’re perfect for introverts because they come with hoods. They’re easy to hide snacks and drinks in … and I guess trinkets from the house you’re at if that’s the lifestyle you’re choosing to participate in (but shame on you if you use that precious food space to steal a vase). They can morph into a half onesie, half whatever shirt you decided to wear, or not to wear, underneath it. They can be sexy, if that’s your criteria. But above all of those amazing features, they’re versatile.

Think pajamas! Think girls night! Think tailgating! Think camping! Think boudoir photos! Think work from home outfit! Think birthday parties! Think holiday parties! Think zoo visits! Think conventions! Think family holiday card photos! Basically, whatever you do, you can do in a onesie. Except use the bathroom easily. All great things have a flaw and needing to visit the restroom is the onesie’s kryptonite. Since it has to be unzipped, or unbuttoned, far enough to be able to get your arms out and pull the torso section down out of harm’s way. Which, realistically, only becomes an issue the more hydrated you are – and I don’t mean with water. So it’s kind of a glass half full versus glass half empty argument. Is it annoying? Yes. Is using the bathroom in general annoying? Also, yes. You decide what the root issue is here.

Let me wrap this up, because some people out there are probably getting very concerned for the millennial generation as a whole by this point. In summary, adult onesies for the win! There’s just no good excuse not to have one in today’s society. Especially if you have children. Get matching ones and make it your holiday card. We’re a progressive breed and this is clearly a train that’s going to stick around for a while. Couple pro tips I want to offer for all the first time onesie buyers before jumping off:

  • Amazon has a great selection, but plan on about 5-7 days shipping (even if you have Prime)
  • Purchase in Incognito Mode, or you may end up with some targeted ads that you didn’t ask for
  • Always buy a size bigger than the size chart indicates you are for maximum comfort and loungeablitiy
  • If it costs more than $40, you’re overpaying for that onesie
  • Purchasing after Halloween, or at other random points throughout the near not within a month of Halloween, provides best pricing options
  • Get the option with a tail and a high quality hood, otherwise you’ll look cheap and like a total onesie noob
  • Confidence is the outfit sidekick to the onesie, own it when you wear it
  • Never sleep on the thought of purchasing a onesie, if it isn’t mildly impulsive it won’t be as fun

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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