ARE YOU DTT?!

There isn’t a store in the world that I have more of a love / hate relationship with than Target. It’s always a weirdly magical shopping experience that feels wildly unsatisfying. Makes zero sense to me how I can spend hours in there and come out with everything I didn’t actually need to get. So my respect level for Target as a company is sky high. Their business model defies all human principles of money management and responsibility. And yet, they are thriving – as they should be, though. This is not an I Hate Target post. It’s an I’m In Awe of Target and How They Keep Getting My Money post.

In my humble opinion, Target is not maximizing its advertising with Spot. Sorry, Bullseye. That dog is adorable and is clearly very patient to always be dressed in a Target sweater and allow someone to paint Target’s logo over its eye. Because I know my dog would never let that happen to her. Hard to say who’s smarter, but one is definitely richer (hint: it’s not my adorable pup, but I STILL LOVE HER). Why isn’t it in every commercial and on every one of their buildings? I don’t want to see a container of Tide Pods – it makes me sad because it’s a reminder that I have chores to do. I would like to see a dog, though. Maybe I’ll write them a letter? 

Dear Targetians (tar-gee-tians): 

Please change Bullseye’s name back to Spot because that was better. And use him everywhere. 

Sincerely,

TRP

That’s really my only issue with Target. Their preference for human “models” over a dog. Seems a bit backwards, but then again I’m sure there is a reason behind it. Suckers like me continue to fork over money to them in hopes that it will bring back Spot. Because in my mind it’s a cash flow issue – Spot got too expensive – and I need to do my part to help. I see what’s happening here. Genius … yet again.

Do you think it’s the way their carts move like they’re on a cloud of air? Maybe it’s the way their floors make zero noise? In fact I think they absorb noise? Possibly that, despite having red (the color of anger) as their primary choice, I feel at ease and calm in the store? Could it be because their weekly ads are of surprisingly high quality paper? Or because they always have everything in stock all the time? Literally, I have never been disappointed. I wonder if when you enter the Bullseye vortex if they’re actually sending messages to your brain at sound waves that we can’t hear, but can understand? Coercing you to buy things that you didn’t even know existed until you turned down that one aisle you never go down. Next level sci-fi theories happening so I’m going to swerve on myself here.

I clearly have no clue how they do it. Probably some combination of all of those. What I do know is that I usually have what can only be compared to an out-of-body experience when I go shopping there. 

Me, in the parking lot: normal human being with restraint and control. 

Me, steps inside the Bullseye Zone: what even is the value of a dollar? I can buy something from every section in the store! It’s all so affordable! What if I never come back? Better stock up on Target-y things now. Forget budgets! Forget bills! What did I even need? If I can’t remember, better just GET IT ALL!

And that is how I frequently return home and unpack my Target bags to find that I didn’t get the one thing I went in for. It’s never an issue if I need multiple items, because by some money-spending universal law I’ll end up with those at some point in my manic spree. All except one. It’s always one stray item that has been forgotten. And it’s never something insignificant like vegetables. It’s always critical like toilet paper, Chewy Chips-Ahoy, or wine. And thus, I have to travel back to Target and try again. An endless cycle of brainwashing into forgetting things. In fact, that’s all I do. Go to Target, come home, unpack, realize I forgot something, go back to Target, come home, unpack, realize I forgot something, go back to Target, come home, etc. Like the song that never ends. Well played, Target.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this and want to share it with them, that would seriously mean a lot to me. I’m so grateful to all the current readers and subscribers. If you want to get these in your inbox twice weekly don’t forget to subscribe. Thanks for reading!


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IN MEMORIAM: MEMORIAL DAY

Remember Memorial Day? I hope so, it was only yesterday. Which means we are now officially in summer. Well, socially, at least. The calendar, and Mother Nature, per usual, have yet to catch up with what the people are doing. For example, when it snowed the other day. In mid-May. It’s both too late and too early for that nonsense. Also how we are technically a month from summer even though we are hitting the step outside and start sweating weather. Not the point, though, because we all know in our heads, and in our hearts, that it’s summer and with summer comes vacation season. Of course, we can’t forget grill season, swimsuit season, beach season, lake season, no school season, summer blend beer season, strawberry season, Bachelor / Bachelorette season, reality TV season in general, and more.

Summer is not the topic of this post, however. Today, we look back on another long weekend that has come and gone. On all the good times we had with our extra day of freedom. The chance it gave us to finally do one, or two, of the things we should have been doing every weekend, but simply can’t find the time around social-distancing activities. For some, it may have been another opportunity for an extra day of personal productivity washed away by alcohol, poor time management, and binge-watching. For others it may have been another opportunity to relax and get some personal projects started around the house – ideal hobby time. And for still others, it may have another opportunity to embrace Phase 2 and partake in gatherings like the good old times. Grilling, drinking, and playing games with friends. Maybe you don’t fall in any of those categories. Maybe you went to the beach, or the mountains, or shopping, or hiking, or anything that you can do in our newfound options. No matter where you fall on the opportunity spectrum, we all lived Memorial Day and are a day older because of it.

Yet here we are. With a new work week starting and admiring our great use of a gift by the universe and the business world. If you’re like me, you usually go into long weekends with high expectations for what you’re going to accomplish. True story (a brief synopsis from the past three years of my life):

  • 2018
    • Me, on Friday: I have so much time, I think I’ll teach myself how to be a professional cake decorator
    • Me, on Tuesday: Well, turns out sunscreen would have been a smart choice for spending three entire days on the lake, but at least my wakeboarding skills are still spot on #shred #lookinglikealobster
  • 2019
    • Me, on Friday: I have so much time, I think I’ll write a book
    • Me, on Tuesday: Well, the laundry got done late Monday night and my pantry is still empty, but I did attend 6 different cookouts and made so many new follower friends #popular #doitforthegram
  • 2020
    • Me, on Friday: I have so much time, I think I’ll chop down a tree and carve myself a canoe
    • Me, today: Well, I spent three times as much on alcohol as I did on food, but it turns out grapefruit hefeweizen are highly refreshing and my new favorite summer drink #refreshing #stayhydrated

As we say farewell to the last three day weekend until September, we know that we will enjoy the fun of Memorial Day once again. Next year. In 2021. Because that’s how life works. Also how a calendar works. If you simply can’t wait three and a half months, then use some of those precious vacation days and take a 9 day weekend. Another option, hear me out, take an indefinite vacation. Happening to a lot of us right now – embrace it, your weekend never ends! Until you find new gainful employment, obviously, because all good things must eventually come to an end.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this and want to share it with them, that would seriously mean a lot to me. I’m so grateful to all the current readers and subscribers. If you want to get these in your inbox twice weekly don’t forget to subscribe. Thanks for reading!


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DID SOMEONE SAY THREE DAY WEEKEND?

Time is our most valuable resource. Everyone knows this by now thanks to the Internet and the exploding popularity of positive, encouraging, confidence building, hype starting, motivational sayings that are available everywhere. These quick hitters are the best. You can find one for literally anything you’re going through if you know how to harness the power of the search bar. Feeling a bit stressed out? Jump on that everything will be alright in the end, change your mindset, change your life train. Going through a breakup, or dealing with heartbreak? Don’t worry, there’s plenty of love to go around the you have to be good enough for yourself first, things happen for a reason, strength comes from getting knocked down carousel. Stuck in a cycle of failure and feeling left behind? Drink some of that you’ve got this, never give up, getting back up is the most powerful move smoothie. Just want a sudo hype man? Well, lucky you – who needs a person to hype you up when you could have infinite access to all the beast mode sayings people have ever said. Did your favorite pizza place shut down because of COVID? It’s, ok, take a bite out of the sometimes bad things happen to good people, there’s always a lesson if you choose to see it, the sun will come back out tomorrow pie.

So we are now properly motivated and bursting with eagerness to start every dream we’ve ever had. Enter the three day weekend. Or, as I like to remind all of my people on a daily basis when we get close to one: TDW FTW! You’re all smart, so I’ll let you figure that one out on your own. I’m feeling generous, though, because my time meter just tripled, so here’s a hint: TDW is in the latter part of the post title and FTW can be found immediately with a quick trip down GOOGLE LANE.

What is it that happens to us, exactly, when we know that Monday will be a holiday? Well, if you’ve read any other post on this blog you would know that I hate to generalize and assume things about people, so I’ll keep this to personal experience … at least I’ll try. First things first, Monday is not what one would consider the most popular day of the week. Unless you’re on vacation in which case it’s similar to when you run into an old acquaintance in public and have to pretend you were best friends at some point and genuinely care about each other. Yet, on a three day weekend, Monday gets a huge ranking upgrade. ‘Monday?! Is that you?! Gosh, it feels like forever since I haven’t dreaded waking up to you again. I’m sorry by the way – it’s just that I’m usually stressed out because Sunday ends too quick and I didn’t do my chores because they sounded boring and you know how it gets? Only two days to do things? What even, who can live like this? Anyways, great to see you, we should hang out more often.’ 

24 entire extra hours of leaving your commitments in the wind and saying adios to being responsible. It might as well be an extra year. So much time. Funny how the same amount of time on Saturday and Sunday never feel like enough, but increase that by 50% and all of a sudden you can do things you never thought possible. Like traveling someplace new. Or writing a book. Or starting and finishing an entire life crisis and coming out a brand new you. Or doing ALL of your chores for the week. Or watching all 8 seasons of GAME OF THRONES and feeling like you can now contribute to social conversations (although, I hate to break it to you, but Westworld is the hot topic now, along with Love is Blind, so I guess you’ll have to wait until September to be cool again).

However you choose to spend your extra day of freedom from things like work, and school, and parenting, ok, maybe not that last one since I don’t think it ever really turns off, enjoy it! Go to the beach, I hear those are open now for stationary activities like sitting. Go start that passion project. Go hiking with some friends and realize that the mountains aren’t so bad once you get past the snakes and the poison ivy. Go on a road trip (to a place that has lifted restrictions). Spend (even more) time with your family at home. You do you. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this and want to share it with them, that would seriously mean a lot to me. I’m so grateful to all the current readers and subscribers. If you want to get these in your inbox twice weekly don’t forget to subscribe. Thanks for reading!


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DEAR COLLEGE: I ALREADY SOLD YOU MY SOUL, I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE YOU

I miss college. All of the social activities, sporting events, parties, friendships, constant eating, freedom, and the general lack of real responsibilities. It was a great time. Sure, occasionally there were unfortunate obligations like class and exams and homework, but for the most part it was awesome. What I don’t miss is the amount of bills that I knew, but didn’t really know, I was racking up. That should really be part of the high school curriculum – financial planning. What are loans? What is debt? What are bills? What does the health insurance paperwork mean? How do you file taxes? So many actually helpful things that could be taught.

Because now I have these monthly payments that are no fun at all to make. They most certainly are not awesome or a great time. So many other things I would like to do with that part of my paycheck, like travel, shop, drink, eat, have an experience, donate to charity, etc. Literally anything other than paying back the school that gave me a piece of paper. Go to college, they said. It’ll be fun, they said. You’ll get an education, they said. This way you can get a job, they said. It’s going to cost you everything, they didn’t say. Did I go? Yes. Was it fun? Most of the time. Did I get an education? Yes, but not the kind they probably had in mind. Was it the magic door to getting a job? Haha, absolutely not. Did selling my organs on the black market cover the cost? No, no – it was way more.

So, in other words, I spent all this money to get a job in the field that someone printed on a piece of paper. Some call it a diploma, but I would think that to be considered a big, fancy diploma, then they could have at least printed it on glossy paper. I mean, at this point, you can just add an extra $10 or so to my bill. I won’t even know. Ironically, what I do now could not be further from my field of study. And I’m not the only one. At some point, I was informed that employers care more about seeing that you can finish something. I feel like there are a lot of cheaper ways to do this…but clearly I’m in the minority on this one.

All of this is annoying, and frustrating, but in hindsight, I should have expected it when they asked me to pay a registration deposit and give them rights to my first-born child to attend. Alright, fine, that’s on me and my teenage innocence. What I’m not a fan of, nope too passive…what I absolutely loathe, is when they have the audacity to call me and ask for a donation. I’m sorry, I know you have my records still because you always seem to find my new address to spam with letters. So you would know that I am paying you. Still. From all those years ago when I actually was there. I’m what one would call, a mandatory donor. I wouldn’t say I have a giving spirit towards my alma mater, but more of an, I’d like to maintain a respectable credit score and not get audited type of spirit.

It would make slightly more sense if you asked me for money after I finished paying off my loans. Then, at least, I would be contributing nothing on a monthly basis so it would make sense that I might want to keep that bleeding train of dolla, dolla bills going. Because an object in motion tends to stay in motion. Honestly, the things I plan on doing with all that extra cash each month is not nearly as generous or productive as donating to support the education system. Might as well keep on giving. But now you’ve pissed me off. We both know that if I could afford to donate, I would have paid off my loans. Or simply chosen to pay for school upfront. Either way, I should not be the target demographic for the donor office student cold-callers.

Let’s take a quick second to break down why I’ve been a donor for so long:

  • Air is free everywhere in the world…except on college campuses
  • Meals can be relatively affordable, depending on your choices, everywhere in the world…except on college campuses
  • Learning is free, or reasonably priced (unless you’re in private school, but if that’s the case, this post is not for you)…except on college campuses
  • Nature is free to enjoy everywhere in the world…except on college campuses
  • Sports are free to watch (as long as your friends with someone who pays) everywhere in the world…except on college campuses
  • Hobbies vary in price, but can be pretty cheap, everywhere in the world…except on college campuses
  • Exercise can be affordable everywhere in the world…except on college campuses
  • Reading can be affordable everywhere in the world…except on college campuses

Seems like there’s the issue. You want to wake up today? $427 fee. You want to eat lunch? $28.37 fee. You want to walk on our sidewalks everyday? $13,078 fee. You want to buy books? $5,396 fee. You sneezed? $4.76 fee. You want to submit an assignment on our Wi-Fi and use our mandatory online portal? $28,340 fee. So, to answer your question, do I want to donate today? Bye, Felicia!

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this and want to share it with them, that would seriously mean a lot to me. I’m so grateful to all the current readers and subscribers. If you want to get these in your inbox twice weekly don’t forget to subscribe. Thanks for reading!


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COMMUNICATION IS ROCKET SCIENCE

When did talking to people get so hard? Has it always been this way? Or is this another thing millennials have ruined? Seems like it used to be easier – back before cell phones, and online dating, and airplanes, and the Internet, and indoor plumbing, and sliced bread … you get it. I have some theories on why, which I know you are oh so curious to hear, so ready or not, here they come!

  1. The Grass is Always Greener – I don’t believe this has changed at all since the dawn of humanity. Everything seems so darn peachy for everyone else so maybe it just feels like they were better communicators when in reality they sucked too
  2. Simpler Times – maybe they were better communicators because some of the obstacles that exist today were so not a thing. Looking at you King Boo
  3. Adapt and Survive – hard to have bad communication when the only way you can do it is face to face or via a letter that takes weeks to arrive. It’s easy to hide behind a screen. Hard to avoid tough questions when you’re staring someone in the eyes
  4. Can’t Make Something From Nothing – maybe they just didn’t talk to each other. Like ever. Was that a thing? Socializing?

Regardless, whatever happened along the way, we have become absolutely awful at communicating. With co-workers. With friends. With enemies. With significant others. With family. With our pets. With ourselves. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but despite all the technological advancements, we still can’t read someone’s mind. What?! I know, I know, it seems strange given that our cars drive themselves and our watches can call people. We also can’t put thoughts into someone else’s mind. No matter how bad you want them to say or do something, ultimately they control their own thoughts and actions. How can this be?! That would be weird if that happened. Pretty sure that would take dictatorship to a whole new level. 

Ok, all-knowing TRP. How can we fix this verbal crisis?’ First of all, I’m flattered that you think of me as all-knowing. But in other shocking news, I also tend to suck at communicating. Despite my attempts to find the perfect way to approach awkward, stressful, or frustrating situations, I have come to the realization that they’re all unique. Which is a bit annoying, if I’m honest. Honesty does seem to be the one constant that works well, though! Just be real with people. It’s not that hard – I promise. Do you like someone? Tell them. Are you frustrated with a coworker? Talk it out. Wish your mom would stop telling everyone your business? Let her know!

But don’t be rude about it. There are two ways to be honest. One that lets the other person know how you feel / where you stand in a way that is productive and initiates conversation by acknowledging your part in the situation. The other lets someone know how you feel / where you stand, but in an aggressive way that comes off as blame and puts them in a defensive mode.

As much as communication sucks, it’s always going to be a part of life. So you better figure out how to do it in a way that doesn’t make everyone hate you. And please, please, don’t be that person who hides behind a screen and thinks that makes it alright to troll everyone and their mothers. No one likes that person. Finally, don’t run away from your hard conversations. Embrace them. Will it work out for you? Who knows – maybe, maybe not, but it will make you a better person. Hopefully. Don’t quote me on that.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this and want to share it with them, that would seriously mean a lot to me. I’m so grateful to all the current readers and subscribers. If you want to get these in your inbox twice weekly don’t forget to subscribe. Thanks for reading!


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SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE THE GERBER BABY

Have you ever sat at your desk and just watched your co-workers be productive? You know, the days when you’ve been at work for 5 hours and still haven’t been able to close out of BuzzFeed (because that addiction is TOO REAL). Don’t get me wrong, the online content is much more entertaining than any of your upcoming deadlines, but it doesn’t provide the same sense of accomplishment on the drive home. That and it also doesn’t do you any favors when your manager asks for a status update and you have none…from the past two weeks.

Nothing makes you question your value to a company more than when you realize everyone else is working and you don’t know what you’re supposed to be doing. Is it similar to sports where if the coach (i.e.: your manager) isn’t yelling at you and hovering over your shoulder like a leech all day that they don’t care about you? Because your future there is non-existent? Or they don’t think you’re capable of doing anything more than what you’re currently doing?

It’s a weird feeling – you’re slacking at work, but actually feel guilty and have some strong internal urge to seek out work. I know, I also can’t believe I just wrote that. I thought that playing the poster child role would be more exciting. Look at me! I get paid to do NOTHING! And yet, nothing is only fun for a few months. Actually, only a few weeks. Ok, fine! It’s really only fun for about a day and then the adult in me comes alive and decides that being productive in society is my purpose in life and where, oh where, can I find something to do?! Darn conscious.

Are you still with me? Do you also experience this mini-crisis? On one hand, what the hell are all my co-workers doing? Is it my work? Do they know something I don’t? Am I not on a key Slack channel where all these mysterious new projects are being broadcast to the team? Did I miss the majority of the brief? Honestly, I don’t understand how I have zero to do and everyone else has too much…am I supposed to “help” them? So many unknowns in this scenario. The adult in me says ‘ask your manager’ but the human in me says ‘that would get you more work and then you’d have to break up with BuzzFeed’.

On the other hand, though, my co-workers could just be faking it as well as me. Everyone’s always “busy” when someone is checking in or if someone asks who isn’t busy – because they’re looking to dump some of their crap on a poor, unsuspecting, soul. It’s basically a knee-jerk reaction and the first step to surviving adulthood 101: Are you busy? Yea, slammed, why?

I blame Gerber. Think about it, since we were literally born, we’ve been inundated with the image of an adorable, photogenic, joyful, little baby. And we’re not dumb…that baby is doing nothing for Gerber other than allowing them to post it’s cute face on baby food all over the world. Making all kinds of money. So how did they expect us not to take that example into our adult lives?! The mind is very moldable at that age – and they made it seem like a poster child was an acceptable thing to “do” for a living. Why would we think differently? Look at how happy that child is?! Who doesn’t want that in their life?!

I’m convinced that if the Gerber baby hadn’t already been selected by the time I was born, I would have had a good chance at that gig. Could be swimming in dolla, dolla bills right now. Instead, I was a few decades too late. Sure, it was a drawing, not a picture, but the point is unchanged (besides, I was an infant I didn’t know what art was). And now my internal dilemma: to be productive or not to be productive? Agh! These LIFE CRISES are getting a bit old.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you have ever felt like the only non-productive person at work, let’s both quit our jobs and form a company whose sole mission is unproductivity. How can we lose?! Thanks for reading!


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WHY DO I WORK OUT? TO EAT MORE…OBVIOUSLY

Working out is an experience, not really sure how else to put that. It can be super intimidating because of the old-schoolers who still believe in the NO PAIN, NO GAIN mentality despite all of the research out there proving otherwise. Those people need to go somewhere else, preferably not at my gym. Maybe try some backyard “challenge” course your buddy built himself? Or, I don’t know, Crossfit? Better yet, create your own little niche franchise because we definitely are NOT oversaturated there yet.

If you’ve ever been to the gym, you’ve most likely realized the great divide that exists. Gymism, as I like to refer to it. There’s the weights area and then there’s the cardio section. And would you believe that those areas house very, very, very different kinds of exercisers?! Well, even if you don’t believe me it’s the truth so jump on board sailor. I can’t forget about the game courts where all the kids get stored while their parents suffer upstairs, but that’s more of a happy accident than an actual, conscious exclusion.

I’m all for staying in your lane in certain areas (online dating, though, am I right?!), but at the gym I like to switch it up. Balance is key in any routine – diet and exercise, strength and cardio. Listen, if you missed the title of this post, I hate to spoil it in the middle but it is most certainly NOT about balancing your diet. However, it’s hard to do that when a wall of literal human Hulks are blocking the free weights. On the flip side, it’s hard for these unnecessarily ripped humans to fit within the treadmill arms and do anything less than an hour-long intensive sprint workout sans judgement.

So what do you do? Pick a side forever and either be jacked or toned? Be destined to run endless miles or do endless curls? No! I would have thought as my reader base you’d be slightly more creative than this! Forget the gym and all their judgement (and their monthly payments). Buy a good pair of running shoes, get a handful of weights and use the most powerful tool anyone on Earth has – the Internet.

Anywho, we’ve gotten over the workout portion of this post. Step 1 (in case it was unclear): workout. Step 2: eat like a wrestler who just came off a weigh-in and has 24 hours to gain all the lost weight back. Can we take a quick detour? Wrestlers…just why? What is appealing? You have to run in FULL SWEATS and frequently fast to drop a bunch of weight quickly just so you can stuff your face to gain it back. Then, because that might sound pleasant to some, you put on what can only best be described as the male bikini, and have very intimate contact with another person in public. While getting aggressively punched, put in uncomfortable positions, etc. Who invented this sport? No, more importantly, how is it still popular?! Personally, I don’t see the appeal in any of the above but maybe I’m the odd one here.

Alright, so the best part of working out is obviously getting to eat afterwards. And what do you get to eat? Whatever the hell you want! You freaking earned that! Did you do strength? Earned it! Did you go for a run (distance irrelevant)? Definitely earned it! Did you walk up the stairs today (number of stairs irrelevant)? You, my friend, earned it! Did you put all of the grocery bags on one arm to just take one trip in? Yes, that also counts! Earning it is easy, why don’t more people participate in this?!

My point here is that I may have an unhealthy obsession with food. Hmmm that’s interesting and also not something I want to press into with my anonymous Internet fam so…my (new) main point is this: TREAT YOURSELF! If I did a workout, then denied myself the third slice of cake, what was even the purpose of working out?! Pretty sure I heard that calories after a workout don’t count. Could have come from my own head, but either way that sounds pretty freaking great to me. Dieticians everywhere are melting at this, I’m sure. The actual health nuts may be having mini-crises but I do not care. Living my best life…after my workout clearly because the build up is honestly something I would prefer to do without.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who also believes that food is the sole motivation for physical activity then please share this with them! Maybe we can start some sort of support group for surviving the workout portion of the equation. Thanks for reading!


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