I JUST REWATCHED MONSTERS, INC. AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

Nobody likes having monsters under their bed at night. At least not until we learned how absolutely lovable they are! I think monsters have gotten a bad reputation in the human world for some time, and thankfully Mike and Sully helped shed some valuable insight into the reasons behind the scare. Despite the questionably logical approach to energy creation in Monstropolis, I have some unanswered questions, and plenty of observations from this adorable film:

  • We get a very Soul type vibe in the intro. Jazz music and all. Nice recycle here Disney, though Soul did have a necessary modernization for it’s 2020 release
  • The main monster in the intro skit looks like a venus fly trap
  • This little boy in the simulator is not suspicious that his closet door opened on its own? Fake news
  • How does Flem manage to destroy the entire room?
  • I enjoy the intern vibe of the assessor’s “assistants” not knowing the answer to clearly a basic question
  • Mr. Waternoose is correct – there is nothing more deadly or toxic than a human child. Thus, my current lack of them
  • If screams produce energy, why does Mr. Waternoose casually let a whole capsule free just to prove a point? Seems like a waste
  • ‘Less talk, more pain Marshmallow boy’ – if that isn’t motivating, I don’t know what it
  • Does Sully just wake up and work out, growling at Mike and all, without brushing his teeth?
  • Monsters, Inc. matches children to their ideal monster? That is a nightmare factory of a serial killer
  • We’ve all been Mike in the Monsters, Inc. commercial – covered up by the logo and not giving a darn
  • How is it efficient for the building doors in Monstropolis to all be customized to its residents?
  • Grocery is not spelled Grossery, but maybe monsters can’t spell
  • If the monsters are walking, why does the sign say Don’t Stalk / Stalk? Nowhere else in the movie is it referred to as stalking
  • Do any calls get through at Monsters, Inc.? Celia puts everyone on hold
  • You could roll Celia into a ball and she would still only be about half as round as Mike
  • Why would you put a slug monster in charge of keeping the floors clean?
  • ‘My succulent little garden snail’ – wow, incredible use of adjectives for what is obviously a monster version of a Karen
  • If monsters created the ability to jump through some space time continuum into human bedrooms, why haven’t we figured out the reverse?
  • The scare floor is quite the operation … like a factory line … for nightmares
  • ‘A kid almost touched me. I could have died!’ is a relatable feeling for all young, single millennials
  • The announcement for neverminding Randall’s temporary lead is like every day on the job where you think you’re doing a good job, then realize you’ve been doing it all wrong
  • One would think there was a less intense process to remove a single sock from a monster. A kid, yes, then the CDA seems necessary, but a sock? So extreme
  • How do you become a scare recruit versus an ordinary Monstropolis citizen? How hard is it to get accepted?
  • Lol odorant instead of deodorant
  • Is Mike the only assistant that doesn’t file his paperwork? How has he not been fired?
  • Why doesn’t Sully just throw Boo in her room, like a football, and slam the door? It would be more effective
  • Did Sully really think flushing those toys down the toilet would work?
  • Is Boo demented? Why does she want to play with Sully? Who is a monster
  • I think having an octopus as the sushi chef is a bit of animal profiling and also a sick joke. He’s probably chopping up his friends
  • No one notices a walking bag in a nice restaurant? That doesn’t raise any concern?
  • ‘It is my professional opinion that now is the time to panic’ – a news report in Monsters, Inc. that also could run at any point in today’s current society
  • Imagine you’re a giant monster, and there’s a tiny child – why not just scare them and let CDA handle it?
  • If Sully and Mike live in the penthouse, how did they just walk out the door onto the street?
  • Did they not realize how innocent kids were when they were asleep? Why does Boo have to be the one to show them?
  • How many kids have walk-in closets? Apparently everyone in the world. And how many remember to close them each night? I don’t even close my closet door
  • Bring an obscure relative to work day – how does Mr. Waternoose not know he didn’t approve that
  • Is Boo actually potty trained? I find that hard to believe
  • How is Boo so slippery? Why does Sully keep losing her?
  • ‘Put that thing back where it came from, so help me’ is the Pixar short we all need in our lives
  • Why is Celia in a neck brace? How did that happen? What was her arrest like? It seemed pretty docile
  • Mike legit forgot that lunch was in 5 minutes? I’m calling BS since every employee ever knows when their lunch break is
  • Sully basically saw his pet get run through a trash compactor and pounded into a block. His poor emotional state
  • All the CDA agents were using the bathroom at the same time. Why? Are all their relief cycles synced up?
  • No wonder Sully is single, he gets attached way too quickly
  • ‘1, 2, 3, 4 get the kid back through the door’ – a babysitting moto
  • When in doubt, go down the dark tunnel completely unprepared for what you may encounter
  • ‘If you’re gonna threaten me, do it properly’ is why we all love Mike Wazowski
  • Mike says hello to the scream extractor. Those actual words. ‘Hello.’ It’s a machine
  • Does no one else in the company know this dungeon lab of Randall’s exists?
  • Who names their kid Fungus? Poor guy
  • Was Sully previously unaware of his scare face? He had to know, right?
  • So, let me get this straight … Monsters, Inc. had a door specifically to banish monsters out of? For what reason? Why not just fire them? So dramatic
  • The Abominable Snowman looks like a giant sheep
  • Why are the monster lips so realistic looking? With wrinkles and all it’s slightly creepy
  • Mike is so emotional, but his communication skills are on point
  • Celia is very up and down with rattlesnakes on her head – what does Mike see in her? 
  • ‘What a plan, simple yet insane’ is me before every workout
  • Do the doors have to move at warp speed in the warehouse? Is that necessary?
  • Would it not have been easier to climb up the three doors to Boo’s instead of travelling through random kids’ closets?
  • Sully, the number one rule is to close the door. And what did you not do? Close the door. You deserved to be kicked out
  • Did the CDA not see Mike and Sully’s claws on top of Boo’s door? Quite observant this group
  • Mr. Waternoose moves surprisingly well for an old crab
  • Of course Roz is number one at the CDA. Who else should we have expected?
  • Was Boo not ever hungry during this adventure? When was the last time she ate?
  • Boo has a little Jesse, you know, from Toy Story because why not throw easter eggs in
  • How much therapy do we think Boo will need to mentally recover from this?
  • Why are Sully’s legs only about ⅕ of his total body height?
  • Sully pulls the last piece of Boo’s door off his clipboard, which was taped on there, and it comes off, but there’s no tape on there anymore. Never in my life has that been true. Where did the tape magically vanish to?

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN

We have all had an unpleasant encounter with someone who is just irrationally angry, at some point. You know, the people who call you up, or (even worse) are face-to-face with you, and have this need to tell you exactly how they feel in the most offensive and hurtful way possible? These people make me sad. For one, I had no part in whatever it is you’re upset about – I don’t even work here. But mainly, how unhappy are you in life that you feel a need to blow something trivial way out of proportion? Are you trying to ruin someone else’s day?

Want to know a fun fact? You aren’t ruining my day. No, to be honest, I’m not even really listening because you’re talking yourself in circles and not making sense. Plus, you’re just being loud, so I’m going to let you wear yourself out first. My favorite part about these people, is most of the time it’s user error. Oh, so your upcoming flight isn’t showing up on your calendar? Did you add it to the calendar? No? Hmmm, well that’s interesting – it’s hard to see something that you never created! Oh, so your burrito costs more because it has guacamole on it? Did you not listen when the Chipotle employee told you it would cost extra? Or did you not read the board with that same information very clearly printed on it? No? Hmmm, well that’s interesting – seems like a very personal problem.

Personally, I choose to live my life by this amazing quote: ‘Don’t let idiots ruin your day’. Check. Don’t worry, I’m still going to have an amazing day because happiness is a choice. My favorite part about these interactions is when our irrational friend realizes they screwed up. The face stays red, but subtly moves from the angry lobster red to embarrassment blush red. Now, I’m not a vengeful person, but can we all agree that feeling is satisfying? Granted, in a slightly evil way, but we aren’t the ones trying to make the girl behind the register cry so we can get out of paying, now are we?

Maybe I’m not a very angry person either, but how does one get to that stage? Is this impacting your ability to act like an adult? You know that you can still voice frustration in a reasonable way, right? Is this really the example you want to set for the people around you? There are children EVERYWHERE, you know (it’s slightly creepy).

What’s that? You haven’t ever dealt with someone like that? Your life is all glitter, and rainbows, and CHEWY CHIPS AHOY cookies? Well, this is awkward, but you are that irrationally angry person. Yes, I know you think you’re reasonable, and fun, and easy-going, but no. You would be incorrect. You are an overreacter and tend to blame things on others to get your way. Wow, that’s a tough pill to swallow, isn’t it. You’re probably starting to get a little red right now. Thinking about composing a very friendly email for me. Totally great – bring it on! As Germany Kent said, ‘Stop giving people the power to control your smile, your worth, your attitude, and your day. Don’t give anyone that much power over your life’. BOOM! You have no power over my life! So all of your anger will do, well, nothing to me. I’ll read your lovely email, take it, feel a little sad for your unhappiness, then smile and move on.

But I get it – it’s not as easy as that for everyone. Getting screamed at isn’t exactly something you wake up in the morning hoping for. That’s ok. New savage queen, Taylor Swift, wrote a song for times like these. It’s pretty much the perfect response template for dealing with one of the hotheads. A whole song can be hard to remember so I’ll just give you the highlights:

  • You are somebody that I don’t know, but you’re taking shots at me like it’s Patron. And I’m just like d*mn. It’s (INSERT TIME HERE)
  • You need to calm down. You’re being too loud
  • You need to just stop. Like, can you just not?
  • Why are you mad? When you could be glad?
  • Control your urges to scream about all the people you hate

How easy is that? You need to calm down. Why? Oh, because you’re being too loud and I don’t know you. Moral of this rant: there’s no need to be so angry – choose happiness.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who tends to overreact to everything, pass this along so they can scream at me not you. Maybe one day they’ll understand that life is short enough without tempting fate with frequent spikes to their blood pressure. Thanks for reading!


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AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT

Some things in life suck – breakups, getting fired, paying bills, when your team gets upset in the March Madness tournament, ripping your pants, losing the TV remote, running out of Chewy Chips Ahoy (READ MORE on my love for these cookies), cleaning a mirror to find streaks left behind (I think this is THE WORST – find out why HERE), etc. How do you react when it happens? Me, personally, am a pity partier. I’m not proud of that, but sharing is caring. Then one day someone gave me the best advice. They said ‘Let it go already! Ain’t nobody got time for that!’ And my first thought was ‘You’re my therapist … I’m paying you to have time for this’. But in reality, no, nobody has time for that! Not me, not you, not my therapist, apparently. 

What is even the purpose of a pity party? According to the Oxford Dictionary, a pity party is defined as ‘an instance of indulging in self-pity or eliciting pity from other people’. That’s all nice and dandy, but let’s dive deeper. What is pity? Well, if you ask the Oxford Dictionary (AKA a Google Search for pity) it’s either ‘the feeling of sorrow and compassion caused by the suffering and misfortunes of others’ or ‘a cause for regret or disappointment’. 

Literally just typing that made me feel like a terrible person. What is wrong with us as a species? Why do we think it’s ok to force our sadness and misfortunes on unassuming people who were probably having a great day until you started moaning about the sandwich you ordered only being medium warm instead of hot out of the oven? Newsflash: NOBODY CARES! We get it, you’re sad. You know what won’t make you happy? Constantly reminiscing on how your life sucks right now and you’re in a tough spot. You know what will make you feel better, though? Well, Chewy Chips Ahoy for one, but also moving on and realizing that you can’t change the past, but you can change the future.

So your heart is broken? There’s more than one person in the world – go find someone better! So you lost your job? Use your experience to write a killer resume – then go get a better one with a higher salary! So your bills are due … again? Well, you don’t technically have to pay them if you don’t want to, you just won’t have electricity/water/cell service/Internet/etc. if you don’t. Oh, your bracket is ruined? Whose isn’t? That Cinderella team lost a lot of people money, not just you, and they moved on so suck it up buttercup.

By now, you’re probably thinking ‘That’s great and all, but easier said than done. Tell me something I don’t know’. Alright, fine. Have you ever seen the Pixar film Inside Out? There’s a lot of articles on the science behind it, but in my unprofessional opinion it boils down to this: whichever emotion you allow to control your switchboard is the one that controls every aspect of your life. So if you let Pity run the show, then that pity seeps into your actions, into your relationships with others, into your bones (hello constant exhaustion and tired muscles), and into your thoughts. You ooze pity and no one wants to interact with someone who looks like they might start rambling about how an unauthorized person parked in their spot and they forgot an umbrella so now they’re soaking wet. Would you go talk to that person? I wouldn’t because I don’t need your pity jumping onto my switchboard. I’ve got problems of my own, I don’t need yours too.

What’s my point here? Never to feel sad, or to talk about how you’re down about something that happened? No, that’s unnatural and a strong indicator of a psychopath. Feel that emotion, feel that weight, let it piss you off, question what led up to it, allow yourself to have that self-pity, talk to someone about how it’s affecting you! But don’t hold on to it. Don’t let it take over your switchboard and run your life for weeks, months, or years. Accept that it happened, learn from it, and get on with your life. Make that ex jealous, make your old boss beg to have you back, buy 12 different TV remotes so you can always find one, go off-the-grid and get rid of your bills, etc. And if you are struggling to do that for yourself, then please, for the love of God, do it for us because AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who is pity partying it up, pass this along so they can know that their reservation at the Pity Inn is up, and if they want to keep staying there, then something new has to happen to them. Otherwise GET OUT! Thanks for reading!


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HULU’S COMMERCIAL ALGORITHM: THE ULTIMATE TROLL

Hulu has crashed onto the streaming services scene and has really been making waves. Offering a live TV option. Giving you the fastest access to current seasons. Beginning to rival Netflix’s quality and quantity with their Hulu Originals. Having one of the best color schemes in television apps. Green is honestly superior to red. It’s the color of money for one. And half of the Christmas color scheme. Supposedly, according to my BIF (best Internet friend) Google, our minds associate it with life, nature, energy, growth, freshness, safety, and ambition, among other things.

Despite all the good things going it’s way, though, Hulu has a dark side. Some might think that’s their default advertisement tier. Those people would be partially right. I mean, sure, there is the option to pay for Hulu with no ads. But who has that kind of frivolous spending in their budget? It’s twice as much. And then I would lose my built in bathroom, and snack, breaks. In other words, for more of my money, I would physically have to pick up the remote to pause what I was watching to take a break. That feels backwards. A little unfair, honestly. Thus, I am but a Hulu peasant living with their commercial breaks.

Side tangent aside, the commercial breaks are a necessary evil in my current lifestyle. If you’re living the 1% life and don’t have the basic plan, then you may not be able to relate to the one major downside to Hulu. Which, of course, is their commercial algorithm troll. During my PH years – that’s pre-Hulu in case it was unclear – I thought I was kind of an average, normal-ish millennial. Sure I had my quirks, but overall believed I was in the same general range as my peers. From a lifestyle and preferences standpoint.

However, after leveling up to multiple streaming services and adding the big green H to my TV apps, I’ve realized that I am both a middle aged soccer mom and a lonely college student. I am neither a mom, nor am I middle aged, nor am I lonely, nor am I a college student. At least, I didn’t think I was. Enter Hubert the Hulu Troll. In my mind this algorithm is an angry old man, so I figured Hubert best fit that analogy. Hubert made me realize that I’ve basically been living in some weird dream as a mid-twenties millennial. 

I’m no algorithm expert, but I know that at a basic level it takes your viewing preferences and suggests commercials based on what category it thinks you fall into. Oh, and obviously your smart TV, and any other devices with your Hulu app, listens to your conversations and throws out commercials based on your conversations. So it takes the data it has, steals data from private conversations and stereotypes you. How fun is that?! 

If it feels a bit creepy, that’s because it is. I’ve been talking about adopting a new puppy since the fall. Simply talking. And texting. With my friends and family. On my phone. Which doesn’t have the Hulu app. Yet, guess who keeps getting Petfinder and Hill’s Pet Nutrition commercials? Correct, yours truly. Although, if we’re being honest, it could have been a much worse topic for them to take from my non Hulu related activity, so I guess there’s a silver lining. I get to see adorable dogs on my commercial breaks. On the flip side, though, it also thinks that I have children. I get a disturbing amount of Pull-Ups, minivan, and Hornitos tequila commercials. If Hulu is listening, please just send me more puppies.

Like all good technology, it doesn’t always get it right. Occasionally I get commercials for Meow Mix and I know you don’t know me, but I’m not a cat person. I don’t own a cat. I won’t own a cat. Stop trying to sell me on the impossible. I also find it funny when I get whiskey commercials since I hate whiskey. And all of my private conversations would indicate that. Maybe my significant other is whispering sweet nothings in Hubert’s ear to try and get me on the brown liquor train. But I will stand strong. 

My favorite part about Hubert, is that for a while I naively believed it was just random placements of ads to the highest bidder. Then my siblings, one who is in college and one who just graduated from college, informed me that they got Trojan, Tinder, and Tito’s commercials. At which point I realized that Hubert genuinely believes that I’ve outgrown my youth. I have not received a single commercial for any of those products. And I love a good moscow mule so what’s up with that?!

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: THAT’S A NO FROM ME

Oh, look. Another daylight savings time has come and confused our biological clocks like the demon it is. Why are we still observing this not once, but twice a year? What purpose is it serving? Does it boost the economy? Is it a way to keep the calendar in sync? I would like answers from whoever controls this. Who does control it? Father time? Mother nature? Please tell me it’s not the government. Regardless, it needs to go.

If this happened once a year, it would still be annoying. On the scale of which version is better, spring or fall, that clearly goes to the fall option. I have yet to meet anyone who gets excited to lose an hour of their lives every spring. Time goes fast enough, I don’t need some arbitrary time rule eliminating an hour every year. Thus why the fall is preferable, since I gain that lost hour back. Although, if we’re being honest, that hour would be more useful to me during the summer vacation season instead of during winter.

Let’s break down why this is the worst, and then argue to send it back into the fiery pits of the south where I feel confident it originated. Spring forward. What? Why? It’s 1:59AM going on 3AM. How absolutely exhilarating. Especially since it happens overnight. You go to sleep. Life is normal. Time makes sense. You understand when to wake up and when to sleep. Life is good. Then, BAM! Time change! And all of a sudden you are late to all of your Sunday activities. Your phone says it’s one time, but all your other dumb household appliances say something different. It’s so stressful.

And what if you forget to change all of the possible places that display the time in any sort of fashion? Well, first of all, everything does not need a clock. I would like to throw that out into the innovation universe cloud. If you decide that what you’re building is going to display time, then you better make sure it knows how to sync with the actual time as well. I’m over trying to adjust my microwave clock like I live in the 20th century. I literally don’t have the time. I’ve lost an entire hour.

Circling back, what if a clock is off? Well, in my experience, the clock I usually forget about lives in my car. Which is truly just unfortunate. Am I late? Am I early? I left the house on time, or so I thought. The amount of times I second guess my decision about when to leave in the days following a time shift is astronomical. Usually for the first half of the ensuing week I’m late for every meeting on my calendar. How I still have a job, you and I both wonder. 

In other musings, why is it always a Sunday? A Friday night going into Saturday would allow for more adjustment time. I never know when to go to bed on the night of the incident. My phone says bedtime, but my body says binge time and that is an internal struggle I still haven’t figured out how to resolve. Meanwhile, who has a Saturday night bedtime? It’s more of a fall asleep when you fall asleep kind of vibe. Or if some external circumstances cause you to lose consciousness. No judgement. 

You might be thinking, yes springing forward is my least favorite form of exercise, but then we get to fall back in just a few months. Well I’m here to say that I enjoy falling back as much as I enjoy trust fall exercises. Which is not at all. Do I trust a stranger to catch me? Absolutely not! What if they feel their phone vibrate and are waiting for a text back from their crush? If that was me, I’d sneak a glance for sure. Anyways … falling back is more confusing. Your bedtime syncs up with your grandparents momentarily. And then you’re awake before sunrise and everything is dark and you aren’t sure if you’ve been abducted and sent to Alaska or not.

My last feeling about this, not final though, just going for a somewhat concise post, has to do with our poor animals. Whom we adore. Maybe not all animals, but definitely our dogs. They too don’t know what to do with daylight savings time. Think about it, their internal clocks are synced with the actual daylight – not just the concept of day versus night as presented to us in the form of four numbers separated by a colon. Or Google it, some very smart, scientific, people have researched this extensively while I have merely thought about it for a few moments. 

Mmkay, so overall emotion towards this ritual is not great. I would propose solutions, but there’s only one thing I would like to do with it. Make it disappear. Send it the depths of the ocean where those creatures have never seen daylight once. Fly it into outer space, I think time is relative out there anyways. I don’t care. Just take it away from me. Arizona and Hawaii are looking like excellent options for my next place of residence. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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NAPKINS ARE THE MUTTS OF THE PAPER GOODS INDUSTRY

If given the choice between a paper towel, or a napkin, which would you choose? Because it’s not really a choice. There is a correct answer and an answer that will get you a confused Nick Young look. According to Google, millennials have been killing the paper napkin industry over the past few years and I find this interesting. One, because I identify as a millennial (it is, after all, truly just a mindset and ANYONE COULD BE A MILLENNIAL) and two, because I didn’t realize paper napkins were still a thing, to be honest. Who is still using paper napkins? Who is upset that the paper napkin industry is supposedly being killed? Who is unable to find an acceptable alternative to the paper napkin? So many questions for literally zero concerns.

In my mind, the napkin is merely a mixed breed in the paper goods industry. A cross between a paper towel and a tissue. Made in a neat square that is never enough real estate when eating, especially when eating something with your hands, and fragile enough to not hold up for those of us who like to clean our fingers as we eat to maintain some semblance of social expectations. Where did these even come from? I think the only useful thing about the napkin is it’s unique square shape since it folds perfectly in half to either be two rectangles, or two triangles. And that is paper folding asmr right there! But when it comes to practicality, my euphoria can’t overshadow the amount of napkins it takes to stay clean during a meal.

To be fair, though, there is a range of even napkins. As there are with paper towels and tissues as well. You get what you pay for. Are there different thicknesses to napkins depending on what quality you buy? Sure. But think about even a low quality paper towel and it’s comparable to an overpriced napkin. Are there more absorbent napkins depending on what quality you buy? Definitely. But think about how much more absorbent a low quality paper towel is just by sheer absorbency space over that of a napkin. 

The moral here, of course, being that paper towels are superior to napkins. They’re bigger for starters – rectangle v square and we all know it’s not a tissue rectangle here. They tend to be thicker – probably since they’re modeled after towels which are known for absorbency. They’re easier to obtain – it’s way too hard to pick up one napkin, but a paper towel pulls nicely off the roll. They’re much more versatile – paper towels can be used at dinner, for cleaning, or really anytime you need a paper product whereas napkins really only shine with food. Should I keep going?

On the flip side, tissues are also superior to napkins. They both have one job, but the tissue does it well. The napkin on the other hand is a 50 / 50 shot at best and even then the frustration when you hit the wrong side of that bet isn’t worth the gamble. Tissues can also successfully be a one and done type of deal. Napkins, again, rarely let you get away without adding a whole bunch of friends to your plate. 

I think we all know where I stand on this debate. My next main concern is that the Internet seems to be spreading a message that we are “killing” the napkin industry. And that’s a strong word choice. People go to prison for stuff like that. Seems a bit aggressive considering most companies who make napkins also make other products … meaning they would only be shutting down one portion, and hopefully being innovative enough to jump on the paper towel train or go rogue and pick up a really random product to replace them. Like dog collars. You never know. In other words, we’re simply opening up opportunities for new business ventures.

My real question from this post, though, is who is actively purchasing paper napkins in stores? I couldn’t tell you the last time I spent money on a pack of napkins. Or the last time I went to a friend’s house and saw / used napkins. Or seen a pack of napkins in anyone’s cart at the grocery store. Or even seen napkins in an aisle. Where are they? I know where the paper towels are, but napkins? We don’t know. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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THINGS MY DOG DOES THAT ARE SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE FOR HUMANS TO DO

I’d like to start this post off by saying that I love my dog very much. Just in case she somehow learns how to read. Then just in case she figures out how to use a computer, and the Internet, and learns how to read my mind to figure out which blog I write. And then just in case she actually accesses this site only to discover my thoughts about her often curious behavior. Am I judging some of the things that she does? A thousand percent! Dogs are weird. And we love them anyways. Which is a good lesson for how we should treat ALL PEOPLE, really. 

Now that I’ve reiterated for the thousandth time how much I love my dog to all of the Internet, we can move on. Dogs, as a species, are shameless. Full of love and loyal to a t, but absolutely shameless – in the best possible way. They’re also an animal. So that combination of zero cares and having the mind, instincts, and habits of a creature is entertaining, to say the least. What exactly am I getting at? Well, I’m so glad you asked! Let’s talk about all the things our pets do that make us do the confused head tilt:

  • Lick Their Butts
    • For cleaning purposes most of the time, at least I’m assuming. As humans, though, we have that next level invention: toilet paper. We also have thumbs so I guess there’s that
  • Sniff Other Dogs’ Butts
    • Is this like the “perfume” that dogs wear? Only it’s all natural? Why is that your choice in introduction? Best not to think too much about this one
  • Lick People
    • It is technically a sign of affection. But read bullet point number one again and all of sudden this isn’t as cute
  • Sniff Other Dogs’, and Their Own, Poop
    • Because I guess if you can’t be with your friends the next best thing is to remember what their butt smells like? Texting works as well, but again, no thumbs so I’m not sure how successful that would be
  • Lick Other Dogs
    • My only belief here is a sign of affection for their “friends” … know what I’m saying? I’m not sure if dogs do monogamy, but if they do and my belief is right, my dog is a straight up HO!
  • Chase Squirrels, and Frankly Most Other Animals
    • As one does, but at least it’s good exercise
  • Lick Themselves
    • Again, probably for cleaning purposes, but maybe when they’re bored too because my dog can’t possible be as dirty for as often as she “grooms” herself
  • Put Anything, and Everything, in Their Mouths
    • I don’t understand this at all! Why the mouth? What if it’s sharp? What if it tastes bad? What if it’s poisonous? One way to find out, I guess
  • Lick Toys
    • To soften them before mauling them? To apologize for mauling them? To show their love before and after mauling them? Also not sure here
  • Lose Their Minds Over a Squeaky Toy
    • Ah, the predatory instinct coming in strong. The catnip for dogs
  • Lick a Blanket
    • Is it not soft enough? Next time you use a blanket, try licking it and see how weird you feel after
  • Perform a Pre-Nap Circling Ritual
    • You have a space and you want to … what? Make sure that the circumference of your body will fit there? If I ever just walked in circles I’d be given a breathalyzer
  • Lick The Couch
    • Do we spill that much food during our TV dinner nights, daily snack shows, and morning pick-me-ups? Maybe. Or maybe the dog is just weird
  • Nap Anywhere
    • Literally anywhere! But I don’t mean anywhere as in a car, or a plane, or normal human places. I mean the middle of the floor. Middle of the kitchen. On the stairs. Who cares! If it fits, it can nap
  • Lick the Carpet
    • Again with the licking! Probably hunting for leftover crumbs somewhere because they … 
  • Shamelessly Beg For Food
    • All the time. We feed our dog. A normal amount of food. And yet one would think we starve her to death based on how she acts around human food
  • Lick the Floor
    • At this point, we get it – they lick everything for fun
  • Pick Up Sticks with Their Mouths
    • Imagine if you went to a park, saw a random stick on the ground, it doesn’t even have to be a good one, and you just bent down and put it in your mouth. Then carried it with you for a while until you got bored. What a weird thing to do!
  • Lick the Ground
    • Because dirt is secretly delicious and all us humans have been missing out for years, I guess
  • Roll Around in the Mud
    • Never in my life have I seen a bunch of mud and thought, I’d love to be covered with that. And yet, my dog believes she is bathing in all the beautiful glory that is the outdoors. Shamelessly

That pretty much sums up all of the things my dog does. She is a licker if it was unclear from the list. I do understand that not all dogs lick all things like my lovable rescue, and yet, all dogs, at some point, lick things on this list. Are there weird things your dog does that didn’t make this list? Nothing would bring me more joy than to know about that so please reach out! I mean that 100% unsarcastically, too, dogs are my life.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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SOME THINGS IN LIFE ARE UNSATISFYING

I’m going to come out and say it – I don’t like cleaning. It’s one of those necessary evils in life. If you don’t do it, eventually, bad things happen. Like roaches. And hard, hard, hard pass on that. Does anyone actually want roaches? Or who knows what other rodents come with a dirty place of living. Let’s not go down that fun train of thought on an otherwise rodent free day. At least for me, I guess it’s not fair to assume that’s the same for everyone. Some people have rats as pets. Why? I literally have zero idea. 

Anyways, sure, I feel so great and very adult after cleaning. Who doesn’t? It’s like organizing your life at the most basic level. You are taking something and making it brand new. Think of it as a new year’s resolution for your stuff. They have all that time where mistakes are made. Things get spilled. Dirt gets dragged in. The recycling piles up. It happens. It’s life. And then, like a ball drop, you come in and give them a chance to start fresh. Start clean. No big deal. Clean the crumbs off the counter. Take out the trash. Vacuum the carpet. Wipe down the windows.

Wipe the windows? Wait a second. Is it just me or is cleaning windows the most mentally, physically, and emotionally challenging cleaning task ever? You spend all that effort and finally get the windows clean only to find out that there are what? Streaks! The absolutely most frustrating thing in the history of adult things you can partake in. You clean to get rid of the streaks. Except they don’t go away. They come back. Like a leech. Or a stray cat.

Windex streak-free is a lie. Let’s start there. I have yet to use that product and successfully come away fully streak-free. So someone is not being honest. Either I don’t know how to clean glass or the people at Windex still haven’t figured out the streak-free formula. Hard to say. Mirrors are one thing, but if we’re looking at the range of frustration on glass products, it’s the most minimally infuriating. House windows are annoying, side windows in the car are next, followed closely by the rearview mirror and dash panel coverings. 

Top of the list, with zero competition, are the front and rear windshields in the car. I mean, come on. You can look at it from all angles and see nothing, but once a stray ray of sunshine comes in you’re blinded by stripes. From where?! There were none and now they are like an invasive plant species. Or a stray watermelon seed that gets dropped in your front lawn at a summer cookout. It’s like a cruel trick that the universe is playing on drivers everywhere who try to be responsible and take care of their car.

What’s the point of cleaning? If you’re just going to have to keep cleaning? All the time apparently. There’s all these special products you can buy that supposedly also are streak-free. But we both know that it’s simply a marketing tactic at this point. Obviously, since I still have streaky windows. What’s up with that?! The online options are not helpful either. Wipe off the dirt. Clean with rubbing alcohol. Clean with glass cleaner. Clean, again with rubbing alcohol. Who has the time honestly? It’s a windshield. Bills are a thing, but I’m not above paying for a high level interior car wash. Make them have to deal with my streaks. Take some stress out of my life.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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ALL OF MY EMOTIONS DURING A HALF MARATHON

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: running sucks. I do not enjoy running. I do not look forward to going on a run. I do not wake up excited for a workout involving a run. I do not like the monotony of it. I do not need the knee and shin pain that comes from a run. I do not want a constant reminder that my endurance levels are maybe not in an adequate range. Yet, I do it anyways. Because I know that it’s a great workout and because I’ve been doing it since high school, which was long enough ago for me to technically be a 10,000 hour expert at it. But it’s not a desire of mine to quickly move my legs, struggle to breathe, and give everyone I pass a mental image of me trying not to die.

It’s no secret that there have been times in my life where my decisions have been questionable. A bit of a head scratcher, if you will. Normally it’s other people who are confused by what I do. Recently, however, I shocked myself, which doesn’t happen as often as you would think. Despite some of my previous posts. In a weird twist, I agreed to run, not one, but two half marathons with some people that I care very much about. TWO?! What is wrong with me? That alone is cause for concern given how long a half marathon is, and my current struggle to complete a run that’s a mere third of that distance.

Here’s the kicker, this is not my first half marathon. No, sadly I agreed to run one a few years ago and I hated it. When I say I hated it, I was on the verge of tears near the end of it. Not because I’m an overly emotional person, but because it was a traumatizing experience. Now here we are, in the year of the vaccine and a hope for normalcy, and one of my first big decisions is to suffer through 13.1 miles of pain. Again. Twice. Why? We don’t know. Do I have regrets? More than you know, but I’m no flake so here we are. Can you get PTSD from a bad run? I certainly think so! I’m no medical expert, but let’s go through all of my emotions from half marathon numero uno to make my case:

Anxiety

13.1 miles is a long way in a car. On foot, you might as well be running to the moon. I was nervous about my ability to complete the race.

Excitement

Ok, yes, I was a tad bit excited about earning my 13.1 sticker so all the fake ones I’d bought could be validated.

Regret

Nothing makes you question your decisions like standing at the starting line knowing you have to run 13.1 miles in the woods on a 4 mile loop. Might as well get back in the car now.

Resentment

I’m not ashamed to admit that I felt some resentment for the person who convinced me to run the race at about the 5K mark.

Sadness

Also at the 5K mark, I felt a giant wave of sadness knowing that I had 10 miles to go. Which is still a long way in a motorized vehicle. On foot, might as well be walking through the whole Sahara.

Confusion

Somewhere on the second loop, I forgot how far I’d gone and thought I was almost done. Only to be told that I had 4 more miles. And I wasn’t 100% sure what my name was at that point.

Fear

You ever go for a run in the woods and wonder if there’s a serial killer just lurking about waiting to kidnap you? Thank you CRIMINAL MINDS for that! But also, I lost most of the other runners on loop 2 so it was just me and my confused thoughts hoping to make it out alive.

Regret, Again

Let’s be honest, this was the underlying feeling for the whole race. Specifically, though, near the 10 mile mark I hated myself. I hated running. I hated the race organizers. I hated the people who were so happily cheering like I wasn’t trying to simply survive. I was in a mood.

Anger

You know that feeling when you are trying to just finish something and when you do, after a giant struggle, you find that other people finished it easily, in a third of the time, with seemingly little effort? What a fun time.

Relief

I did feel a lot of relief when I finished. Mostly since I promised myself that I would never, ever, ever run a half marathon again. A promise that I broke. Now I’m internally conflicted. Who even am I anymore? We don’t know.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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DEAR TRIVIA: I THOUGHT I WAS SMART, THANK YOU FOR THE EGO CHECK

Have you ever wondered how smart you are? Not book smart, per se, but life smart? How much general knowledge do you contain about things that may, or may not, be helpful to you in some capacity throughout life? If your answer is no, then why even continue? I have to believe you can guess where this post is going and it’s pretty much strictly for anyone ever who thought, I need to prove my brain skills against strangers at a local bar on a weeknight – AKA trivia night.

I know for a fact that my general knowledge, and overall trivia skills, are pretty much worthless. There isn’t a lot of room in my head for random tidbits of things. Because it’s full of other items like how to do my job, how much I love my dog, figuring out how to feed myself a healthy amount of times each day, remembering to do chores, memorizing every single Chipotle location within 15 miles of where I live, etc. You know, crucial survival skills basically. 

However, my job title makes people believe that somehow my IQ is at least average, if not exponentially above that mark. And so they frequently tell me how smart I am. Which causes some internal dilemmas until my ego takes over and I make poor decisions … like smack talking other trivia teams. Despite knowing deep in my soul that I’m not able to back it up. Remember growing up when there would be kids who would crush school and kids who would crush life? Book smart versus street smart. And I always believed you were somewhere on that spectrum. Until I became an adult with free evenings and friends.

There is a third type of smart, I’ve learned. Trivia smart. This is a person who just knows things. Not current things necessarily. Not political things necessarily. Not natural events necessarily. Not history necessarily. Not even sports necessarily. No. These people know stuff in every possible category over all of eternity. How?! I genuinely want to know so I can stop losing and embarrassing myself every Tuesday night. 

For starters, where are you getting this information? Google? Reddit? The newspaper? I honestly don’t know. I scroll through the major news headlines every day and have yet to contribute to a current events conversation in one of my group chats because the stuff they talk about I have to re-research. And by the time I have any facts the convo has taken a massive diversion and I’m just confused again. It’s a cycle of playing catch-up and not in a good way.

My next question for these trivia geniuses, is how do you retain this information? My boss has to remind me every morning of our daily standup meeting and I’ve been working there for months. One would think that I would have learned how to open my calendar by now, and yet here we are. Especially if it’s some random fact. That usually goes in one ear and out the other. If you asked me 15 minutes after reading it what the statue’s name was and why it was taken down, it would be a good day if I answered half of those questions. Maybe I never really learned how to “read”? Because it seems to me like I read to get something over with and other people read to learn. So clearly one of us is doing it wrong and one of us is winning trivia. I’ll let you figure out who goes where in that equation.

On the bright side, every trivia team needs that person who is simply there for entertainment, friendship, and alcohol. I am that person. I own that spot on the team. I’m also great at writing their answers down. So they don’t have to stop eating the plate of nachos in front of them. My greatest contribution to my team thus far, has been embellishing us with a name worthy of all the trophies. Not saying that I nailed it, but like, I absolutely nailed it and we are iconically the best-named team each week. No big deal, I’m kind of great at being creative, though apparently not as great at knowing useful things. You decide which is more fun.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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