ALL I WANT IS A REALISTIC SERVING SIZE

What even is portion control? Do people actually do that? How does it work – do you longingly stare at what you want and hope that imagining the taste of that delicious treat is just as satisfying? Or do you avoid food altogether and hype yourself up on some sort of liquid diet to “feel full” and “energized”?

I’m all for leading a healthy lifestyle (that’s why I balance my eating with exercise…duh!), but I have zero control. Shoutout to all the people with more willpower than me though. You can portion control for the both of us. Because let’s be honest, if I’m going to treat myself, I’m going to freaking TREAT MA SELF (know what I’m saying?). Family size? More like family of one size. King size? Yes, me being the king of my own castle it is just my size. Great for sharing? Well, that’s just your opinion marketing team – I’ll share with me. Fun size? Get that sh*t out of here, I want a real snack, there’s nothing fun about a tiny sample.

Here’s how I look at it: I’m already blowing my calorie count and destroying my health kick for the day so I might as well go all in. Oh, who am I kidding, this is not an occasional thing. This is a daily occurrence in my life. And also in the lives of people around me, so I think it’s one of those awkward ‘it’s not me, it’s definitely 100% you’ type of situations.

Whose fault is it then, you may be thinking. The FDA, or the food manufacturers, or the nutritionists…I DON’T KNOW! Whoever decides what the portion is that’s who! Side tangent – can we think about how unnatural it sounds to call them food manufacturers? What are you feeding me? Why would you not be food producers? What manufacturing is taking place? It doesn’t sound natural or healthy, but my goodness it is satisfying. Is there a reason you have to create food “products” as opposed to just giving me “real” food? What is the difference – how do I even know what’s real and what’s fake anymore?! Almost like with people – are there people manufacturers?! This is getting too creepy, I need to take a hard pass on finishing my train of thought there.

We’ve established who is to blame and I feel the need to express my…dissatisfaction with their operation. What better way to do that than with an open letter?

Dear Subjective Food Portion Deciders:

I don’t know who you are, but more importantly, I don’t know where you came from. In my country, 2 cookies or 13 potato chips or 1 piece of bread or ½ cup of ice cream or ⅓ bottle of juice or ½ a banana or 18 pretzels or ¼ cup of shredded cheese or (I will stop for brevity, but just know that I could go on and on and on and on) are not an accurate representation of how people choose to consume those products. Let me emphasize here – whatever you are doing is not working because we keep getting fatter and our recommended portions keep getting smaller!

Are you hoping that by making the calorie count smaller it will make us eat more? Do you know how psychology even works?! If I see a lower calorie count, I WILL EAT MORE because I don’t feel as bad. For example: if 2 cookies is 140 calories, but next week you tell me that 1 cookie is 70 calories, I will still eat approximately 16 cookies…see my problem? Who has time to multiply 70 by 16? That’s too much effort so clearly those calories don’t count. 8 * 140 is a little easier, but still who tracks anything after 400 anyways?!

Why don’t you just give me what I want to know? How many calories are in the WHOLE THING? Then I’ll be more likely to just eat part of it and (bonus!) I’ll feel so so so much better about myself! For example: if all 32 cookies are 2,240 calories, but I use my stealthy self-control and only eat half the package, I’ve only consumed 1,120 calories and feel like I’ve done a good deed for the world that is my body. 

Still with me? I think I might have lost you. Point being that no one (seriously, what monster only eats 2 cookies and genuinely feels satisfied – live a little) eats like a bird. We are creatures of the supersize system and have been trained to eat until we can’t anymore. So, for all of us just trying to relax and de-stress from our days with a whole bag of chips while drinking (for fun let’s just say juice), stop ruining this for us! That is all, good day.

-The Restless (and forever hungry) Professional

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who believes family size, king size, sharing size, etc. are simply opinions, pass this along so together we can unite and try to get this ridiculous serving size nonsense back to a realistic number. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

YOU CAN LOOK AT THE MENU BEFORE IT’S YOUR TURN TO ORDER, NO ONE IS STOPPING YOU

Waiting in line is simply the worst. Sure, you can check email, browse all your social media accounts, play 10 levels on your favorite game, check your bank statement, find potential flights for your upcoming vacation, register for a local event, check current sport scores, send some beautiful selfies of yourself to your friends, make a to-do list, see what the weather will be like this weekend, get directions to the nearest bakery, connect with people you just met in line on LinkedIn, order a car to pick you up after you’re done waiting in line, read some motivational quotes, make your selfies professional looking with photoshop, learn a new language, manage your blog…oh my goodness who even needs computers anymore?!

Let me start over. Waiting in line may be the most productive place on the planet. Productive, or not, though, does anyone really enjoy it? Like to the point where you just hope that you get stuck in a line? If so, kudos to you and your patience. For everyone else (who is normal) it’s still no fun. Especially when you’re waiting for food. Did I stress that enough? When you’re hungry, or hangry, waiting in line is THE WORST!

So if I feel that way, and you feel that way, how then are there people who think it’s acceptable to stand in line and not even look at the menu until it’s their turn to order?! It’s one thing if you walk into a restaurant, and there is no one waiting to order and so you stroll up to the counter and read every item on the menu like you’re going to be tested on it. Totally fine! You’re not impeding anyone from their destiny of fulfillment.

That, however, is the one acceptable scenario here. If you enter a restaurant, there’s no one in line, you stroll up to the counter, pore over the menu in depth, but refuse to let someone who entered after you order first – well that’s just rude. Unlike you, I frequent this establishment and the cashier knows my order by heart so please make way. Not sure what that says about my choices in life, but when you’re hungry there is no better feeling than giving that high school worker a nod and a smile and have everything you want brought out to you quickly.

Although, worst case is that you have to wait a few tortuous minutes for the noob to make a decision. So it’s kind of acceptable. In the spirit of kindness or something like that. If, however, you enter a restaurant and there’s a long line, then people continue to pile in behind you, do all of humanity a favor and use your time to run through the different meal scenarios in your head. Instead of say, sending another ermahgerd face to someone who will likely screenshot it and blackmail you at your wedding or some other unfortunate time.

What exactly are you waiting for? Do you think the food will be fresher if you wait to look at the menu? Sorry I have to be the one that explains this, but the menu does not create the food. People do. In a kitchen. Behind the menu. Like Keebler elves. You tell a middleman what you want. They relay that in a secret code to the magical humans in charge of the grill. Then, like magic, it appears. Sometimes instantaneously. But it isn’t magic. It’s literally just people cooking. And, like good cooks, they meal prep. So chances are whatever basic thing you want was made a while ago and is just toasting its buns in a warming oven somewhere.

Thus the concept of fast food. And large font sizes. It’s not just for fun, it’s functional. Someone, somewhere, spent a lot of money (and probably time) researching how to speed up the line. It’s fine though, I’m sure that doesn’t frustrate them at all to see their hard work get rejected for Instagram.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you tend to procrastinate making food decisions, then try switching it up for a change and skip the niceties with the cashier. ‘Hi, I want A, B, and C, have a good day.’ Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.