YOU’RE BEING SPIED ON ANYWAY – JUST EMBRACE TECHNOLOGY

There’s an app for everything now. Want to learn a new language? There’s an app for that. Need someone to walk your dog? There’s an app for that. Looking for (incorrect) weather information (more on my thoughts about weather forecasts in THIS POST)? There’s definitely an app for that. Want a virtual shave? Yes, there’s an app for that. Wonder what it’s like to count a million dollars? You bet there’s an app for that. Have you always wanted to milk a cow? Well, you’re in luck, because there’s even an app for that!

Apps, apps, apps – Oprah would be in heaven. If you think about the apps on your phone, tablet, watch, computer, etc. right now most of them are probably a bit more productive than the cow milking one (maybe not though, I don’t know you). You probably have a navigation app, a weather app, some “work” apps to keep track of your calendar, expenses, documents, emails, and other adult nonsense, a social media app (or two, or three, or twelve), a “live-your-best-life” app, an app with no purpose other than to waste time, a game app, and maybe a travel app or a sports app. Sound about right? Of course it does! I’m a millennial after all – that basically makes me an app guru.

Which, for the record, being a millennial does not mean that I can troubleshoot your technological problems for you. I didn’t create or build these apps. If I did, I wouldn’t still be working my 8-8 that’s for freaking sure – I’d be living off of all the ad revenue from addicted users like yourself. So please stop asking me how to fix it. Those apps have a customer support team for a reason…ask them, it’s literally their job to help you. Someone PAYS them to help you. No one is paying me to help you.

Ironically, usually the app isn’t working correctly because you thought you could maintain some semblance of privacy in your life and decided not to let the app access your location, or your microphone, or your camera, etc. Funny thing about apps though, in my experience, they only ask to access things that are required for them to work properly. Oh, you need directions somewhere? Well it’s hard to give someone directions without knowing where they are starting from. So you want to go hands-free? Kind of hard for the phone to hear you if it can’t listen through your microphone. Are you in a foreign country and need to translate a sign? This app would do that if only it could see the sign through your camera.

Are you following me? Are you picking up what I’m putting down? Are you riding my wave? Catching my drift? Snacking what I’m packing (wow the phrases that come out of a Google Search are fantastic)? Do you really think that telling an app it can’t use your location means you’ve gone off the grid and no one can see your location EVER?! I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you are sadly mistaken. Your technology is tracking your location, listening to everything you say, and (if it has a camera) it’s also watching you. Just not through the apps, but through the actual device. So all of your careful preparation to not allow your apps to work properly is really just a waste of time. You’ve only made your life more difficult. 

Embrace the technology! If it’s spying on you anyways, you might as well let it control the temperature in your house, automatically dim the lights, handle your grocery shopping, find a dog sitter, set a sleep schedule so you get the maximum REM cycles and feel amazing in the morning, etc. Otherwise it’s like buying a Tesla and deciding to always drive it manually…just a waste of potential and money.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who is avoiding the full realm of possibilities with technology, share this post, freak them out, and get them to finally embrace all the available app power. Thanks for reading!


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EXTREME QUARANTINE: GLASS HALF FULL OF EMERGEN-C AND A SUNNY ATTITUDE

Life is uncertain right now. Probably the most uncertain it’s been in a very long time. How long is this going to last? How long will I not be able to leave my home? How long until I can travel again? Go to work again? Take the daily my-life-is-better-than-yours selfie again? Sit down in a restaurant again? Go to the gym again? Well…that is not a corona issue. More of a life choices issue.

Point being that no one really knows. We can guess. Guessing is great on tests, but not so great on life-threatening diseases. In no way am I trying to belittle what’s going on. It’s very serious and I do think that it’s important everyone come together and do their part to help knock this out and move on. I’m merely here to give you great suggestions on how to fill this blessing of free time that has been given to you by nature. Some people don’t like free time – if you feel blessing is not the correct noun here, then you would fall into this category. 

Personally, I’m not a huge fan, but it would be a shame to spend the next month (hopefully that’s it?) in fear and complaining about not being able to get away from your family / roommates / evil cat / etc. That is a recipe for broken relationships. So, to avoid the “I used to know that person, but now they’re dead to me” feeling, you have to be prepared. Specifically you need enough activities to keep everyone happily occupied for the duration of the quarantine period.

Get All of the Streaming Services

One is not enough. Two is not enough. Three is probably not enough. Give yourself plenty of options because everyone has different content. You can only watch so much Baby Yoda before you need some disturbing Locke & Key up in your life. Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, Disney +, HBO GO, ESPN +, etc. This is not the place to decide that your monthly spending needs a makeover. This also isn’t specific to the Corona quarantine…it’s just helpful to have for all those lazy weekends and “sick” days.

Deep Clean Your Home

LOL, I could barely write that without laughing – do something that makes you happy! If that happens to be cleaning, well how much do you charge because I, for one, do NOT like to spend my time cleaning.

Have Plenty of Food

Specifically limes, because limes make Corona better. When you start feeling that cough come on, grab your bottle of tequila, cut up a lime, and find some salt. You’ll be good as new in no time. Even if physically you’re not, mentally you’ll be feeling great. Stock your pantry with non-perishables and your freezer with everything that can be frozen (which is a surprising amount of things). Milk and fresh veggies will be great for a few days, but 30+ days is a long time so buy things that last…like chocolate.

Download Every Single Delivery App

You may not be able to leave your place of residence, but that doesn’t mean you can’t open your door. Besides, the apps are free to download so why not have UberEats, Grubhub, Postmates, Amazon, DoorDash, and any others you like ready in case of emergency. Someone will be delivering for when you inevitably run out of food (because, honestly, who knows how to grocery shop for a multi-week supply?!).

Loungewear FTW

If you’re not going anywhere, you don’t have anyone to impress. So get those sweats, hoodies, and any other oversized clothing you have washed up and ready to go. Comfort is the key to survival.

Find a New Hobby

There’s no better time to finally learn guitar, or to become a foodie, or a TikTok star, or a professional Fortnite player, etc. then when you literally can’t leave your home. Plus, there are no haters to crush your spirit. Unless you tell people, in which case, proceed at your own risk.

Order Your Summer Suit

The weather is usually on some wacky cycle, but this year is taking the cake. It’s only the beginning of March, but it’s basically summer – at least in the South. With summer comes bikini season and it’s never too early to start on the base tan. Order your summer suit so you can lounge on the porch / patio / balcony / deck … whatever you have to soak up all the rays that will be on display the next few weeks. On second thought, no one is outside anyways, underwear will work just fine. It’s also a great way to avoid people that are getting on your nerves and to remember what the freedom of the outdoors feels like.

Live Stream for Social Closeness

Obviously, our lives are the epitome of fascinating right now. So it’s only proper to share every single thing you are doing with your family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, follow back peeps, etc. through a live stream. Stream yourself cooking, eating, playing with the dog, getting married, having a party (by yourself because the six foot rule is very real), doing karaoke, working out – literally anything! Well, except for tanning because that might be NSFW. Options are endless.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who has been affected by the coronavirus, send them your love and hope for a full recovery. For everyone else, be prepared like a Boy Scout about to go on a camping trip … but an indefinite one. Thanks for reading!


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TWELVE TROLL OBSERVATIONS FROM THE TROLLS WORLD TOUR TRAILER

It’s been a few years since Dreamworks turned back time and decided that the troll “action” figures needed to be animated in their own entire feature film. Of all the popular toys, though, from the late 1900’s, this was probably the safest choice. Also, the children of today have no smurf-like characters to compare tiny things to. As an “adult”, I didn’t hate it. Didn’t love it enough for a World Tour, but the children have spoken so here we are.

There’s a LOT to unpack from the official 2 minute and 46 second commercial. Easter eggs galore that I really hope expand into the movie itself – maybe Easter egg is not an appropriate metaphor here since they’re bigger than a troll. Pebbles? Music notes? Whatever you want to call it, if the movie is anything like the trailer, it will be confusing, highly predictable, yet somehow addictive and catchy.

Rejected Cricket Characters

A Cricket commercial extra is our first intro to the movie. Like the sun from Teletubbies, but blue, fuzzy, and appears to be at least a young adult. Which would kind of fit with the timeline of life.

Charlotte and her Web

Charlotte herself appears and has changed drastically since her 2003 film debut. For starters, she put on a Barney colored costume and lowered her voice several octaves. She now sounds like Joey when he’s talking to a woman.

Alice in Wonderland

Poppy channels her inner Alice and travels to Wonderland for her opening trailer music scene. Dancing flowers, mushrooms, and caterpillars. Only missing the rabbit with his stopwatch and one would not be sure which movie they were watching.

Avril Lavigne is Back

Avril Lavigne’s troll version is the main villain, but has mad guitar skills and can shred with the best of them. I could get behind the rockers.

Are History Classes not a Thing at Troll School?

Clearly, the Trolls don’t have history classes in school. Do they even have school? Everyone would pass if they gave each other a hug so graduating would need to be taken with a hint of skepticism. Did they think they were the only ones? Selfish.

Made in 2nd Grade

Did…did one of the illustrator’s children design the ancestor lineage? It’s like an arts and crafts project gone slightly wrong. It looks like someone dropped a bunch of triangles and circles on the page.

Techno is Organized…Who Knew?

The techno trolls are surprisingly organized, but also seem to be the least stressed. Is anyone surprised by this? You shouldn’t be. Their fan section looks straight off a music producer’s beatpad.

Mean Girls

The rocker trolls are unnecessarily dramatic. Yes, they have Avril Lavigne as their leader, but really? The whole world? Keep it in check. Everyone deserves to live the life they want sans music genre dictators.

Cuffing Season – It’s Never Too Early

Poppy has her fantasy cuffing moment with Branch standing right beside her. No pressure or anything Branch, but that is definitely a hint!

Country Songs are Accurate

The country trolls look nice, but appear to be holding some deep founded grudge. Probably from a broken heart at some point in between the circles and triangles of their history.

Biggie is Relatable…Still

Biggie is every person on a roller coaster ever in this commercial. We only get him for a few seconds, but he maximizes them. In the air: “Oh, look. I think I can see our house from up here!”. Me, on a roller coaster: “I think I can see my car from up here!”.

Tiny for President

Tiny has more swag than any human I’ve ever met. His whole body is shiny, and in a classy way if I may say so myself. He doesn’t use backup dancers, or hype men, because he is enough on his own. Then his voice is a beautiful mix between Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones. I’m here for it.

Lowkey, I’m excited to see this movie. Not pay for a theater ticket excited, but definitely in a if-it-comes-to-Netflix-and-I’m-done-binge-watching-my-current-series excited. The title is a tad misleading, after the trailer breakdown, I think Trolls: Separated By Genres, Reunited Against Rock would have been more appropriate, but then again, I’m not a movie titler for a reason.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you are secretly excited for the new Trolls / modern day Smurfs movie don’t be ashamed – own that side of you like troll Avril owns her bark guitar. Thanks for reading!


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WHAT IS EVEN THE PURPOSE OF A FITTED SHEET?

Sleeping on soft, clean sheets is such an amazing feeling. Because you don’t know who I am, I won’t lie and say I wash my sheets every day – although if the bed making process weren’t so complicated I would be more inclined to act like an adult and get clean sheets more often. Regular sheets make sense. Don’t want to sleep straight on the mattress. You’d wake up with all those fun sleep lines, but amplified based on your mattress pattern. Your leg would look quilted. Luckily that’s “in” right now in the fashion world so at least you wouldn’t look completely ridiculous.

Comforters also make sense. If you just had a sheet you’d be cold. And to avoid being cold you’d curl up into a tiny little ball. Then in the morning, unpretzeling yourself would be quite the adventure with noises and popping on par with having aged 50 years overnight. If that isn’t convincing enough (because you make noises anyways…mid-20s going on 90, am I right?!) just think of how sore you’ll be all day long from sleeping in such an unnatural position for 8 hours…ok 7 hours…no, fine, 4 and, maybe a half, hours, but still a long time!

You know what else makes sense? Pillowcases. I mean, you could just sleep on the pillow I guess. But anyone who saw your bed would hard core judge your decisions. Of EVERYTHING on the bed, pillowcases are the cheapest things…and they come with the sheet sets. Did you throw them away?! Why don’t you have any?! You have sheets on the bed, so what’s the deal here?!

A bed skirt doesn’t really make sense. First of all, why a skirt? You don’t call a tablecloth a table skirt and yet it hangs the same way. A bed cloth does kind of sound like a diaper so I guess that’s why they went a different route. I don’t really get what these are for, though. Wikipedia says it goes between the mattress and the box spring to hide the exposed part of the box spring and any under the bed storage. Mmkay, several things:

  1. What’s a box spring? There’s the mattress and the bed frame, or is this something that used to be a thing? If you have a box spring (that you need to hide, apparently) maybe just jump into this century and get a new mattress…which I’m guessing has the box spring built in? Or maybe they are just that much better than what you were sleeping on.
  2. Who are you hiding your under-the-bed storage from? How many randos are in your bedroom at any given time? Actually, don’t answer that. But in all seriousness, own that sh*t! Everyone stuffs random things under their bed and if they say they don’t, they’re liars…or filthy rich and have closets bigger than your house – one or the other.

That just leaves the fitted sheet in the bedding set, which, in case the title of the post was unclear, makes zero sense. Two sheets, I get (don’t want to get under the sheet and sleep on the mattress – if you don’t know why then a) how dare you skip to this part of the post and b) it’s listed above). Why, though, does it have to be fitted? Is tucking in a regular sheet not good enough? Does it come untucked easier? Because the fitted sheets don’t seem to stay super great…or so I’ve heard from aggressive sleeper friends of mine.

If it has to be fitted, why are they so complicated? Every side is the same length until you start making the bed and then all of a sudden they are different? Like a terribly frustrating optical illusion. Don’t even get me started on folding a fitted sheet. It springs back in on itself so you can’t even lay out the rounded corners. Something about putting the corners inside each other. I don’t even bother anymore, I just leave it in a ball on top of the other sheet in the set. I can feel your judgement, but the joke is on you because when the bed is made, nobody can see how wrinkly my BOTTOM-MOST LAYER OF SHEET IS. That’s assuming I take the time to put it on the bed, which is usually not the case. If I’m being totally honest, I just sleep under the comforter (yes, on top of the sheets), so I really just need the regular (sense-making) sheet.

More power to all you fitted sheet users, though! You’re clearly adulting better than I am and I tip my hat to you. Still won’t be wrestling and fighting a fitted sheet anytime soon, but I can dream about the day when I’m rich enough to pay someone to make my bed for me.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who doesn’t struggle with the fitted sheet, ask them to teach you their tricks. For all the other (normal) readers, know that you are not alone. Thanks for reading!


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WARNING! SCARY COMMERCIAL COMING

It’s no secret that I’m not the biggest fan of Halloween – more specifically, I’m not the biggest fan of frightening things. I don’t like to be scared…it’s not my idea of a good time. People who like to be scared confuse me. There are plenty of other ways to have a mini heart attack and induce nightmares for weeks that don’t involve creatures from the deepest, darkest, depths of hell.

I mean, really, where do people even come up with some of these ideas?! Kind of seems like they take something that’s supposed to be calming and happy and they turn it into a devil that terrorizes innocent people because why? Because they can? Where do these people even come from?! What happened in their childhood to make it so that their joy is derived from the terror of others? I honestly don’t even understand how one gets to that state mentally.

My list of questions about who is creating this content, why they think it’s acceptable, the people who pay money to partake in this, etc. are endless. Regardless of my feelings on the matter though, scary movies are wildly popular. All year long. Even during seasons that are supposed to be purely delightful, pleasant, and merry. I won’t even get started on the Christmas horror movies that have appeared recently. No, just no – those need to die.

So we have these scary movies out there, and, for some reason, it was decided that airing commercials for these movies on public television was completely fine. This would be alright if they didn’t show any of the scary parts. Let’s all agree that you can tell it’s going to be a scary movie by the state of the family’s house. Or by the emphasis on one of the children – usually looking like they aren’t fully there mentally. Or by the creepy music in the background. Or by just general human intuition that lets you know something isn’t quite right with what you’re watching.

Why, then, must we show the demon, or the zombie, or the clown, or whatever the freaking antagonist is?! And why is it always as a jump scare?! Can we not casually just fade in their picture with the movie title?! Scary movie lovers will know what the deal is and all normal people of the world won’t have to go find a change of pants.

From a marketing perspective, I get it, I really do. You want to show the people a preview to get them hooked into watching the whole thing. Alright fine, you can keep the scary part of the commercial in there. But please, for my sake, if no one else’s, put some sort of warning up on the screen before you play it! Then I can look away, or go find a snack, or water my succulent, or return the voicemail someone left for me last month, or ANYTHING besides watching what is assaulting my television.

The irony is not lost on me that anyone, including those under 17, can watch said commercials. Yet if that movie minor wanted to go pay to watch it in a theater they could not. Another reason to take the scariness, or the R ratedness out of the previews? I think so! Don’t agree? I take it you’re one of those disturbed humans who enjoys that ridiculous then?

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who gets scared easily (like mwah) then pass this along so they can know that other scary commercial survivors exist and we have safe havens waiting – The Food Network and HGTV. Thanks for reading!


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NOT FEELING WELL? TAKE THIS MEDICINE, SIDE EFFECTS: DEATH

Pharmaceuticals. What a weird word. Why is it so gigantic? Is that necessary? No, I’ll go ahead and answer that. Drug is easier to say. It’s also a much more versatile word – it can be interpreted to suit each person’s unique tastes. Pharmaceutical is just so…one-sided? Stuck up? My way or the highway? Yes, yes, and yes. There’s only one thing that is referring to. Disgusting “grape” flavored cough syrup or a horse pill falsely labeled as a “softgel”. One only gets a pharmaceutical when it’s the last resort. A drug…well, I will not go further into this metaphor. Use your imagination.

I think that maybe drug companies, excuse me, pharmaceutical companies, get paid for each letter that goes into their documentation. How else do you explain the extremely complicated names for the medicines that exist on the market today? Honestly, who is in charge of this? Is it the scientists? Scientists are an entirely different breed of humans, excuse me, homo sapiens.

For anyone who has ever looked at the label on their pharmaceutical, you understand where I’m coming from. Ibuprofen is actually (RS)-2-(4-(2-methylpropyl)phenyl)propanoic acid…what in the actual effing hell is that?! Tylenol / Advil – oh, you know, if they’re feeling casual it’s Acetaminophen, but when it’s a black tie event they’re all N-(4-hydroxyphenyl)ethanamide. I literally cannot with this, but it’s kind of fun so here’s the real identity of some of our favorite drugs:

  • Pepto Bismol – Bismuth subsalicylate (this sounds like something you would find in a cave)
  • Valium – Diazepam (this sounds like it’s going to kill you)
  • Crestor – Rosuvastatin (this sounds like it could be a ramen ingredient)
  • Nexium – Esomeprazole (oh, this is most definitely a Disney princess)
  • Lyrica – Pregabalin (this sounds like what happens when you’re in between tipsy and drunk)
  • Cough Syrup – Dextromethorphan (this sounds like an auctioneer explaining that they were in an orphanage growing up)
  • Coricidin – Chlorpheniramine (this sounds like what they pour into public pools to destroy every possible ounce of bacteria)

This has been a very eye-opening Google search and I may, or may not, now be on a potential drug distribution watch list. Definitely put a lot of feelers out into popular drugs and their real names. I bet if I just offset it with stuff like “how to prevent illegal drug trafficking” and “reporting drug dealers” they will think I’m just a concerned citizen.

Enough about the names of drugs, I will never ever understand why we can’t take the simple route and go with naming conventions such as little red pill, medium red pill, large red pill, purple liquid, gigantic blue pill, etc. My main concern with the pharmaceutical industry is the list of potential side effects that come with EVERYTHING.

Migraine medicine has a side effect of headaches…and death. Cough medicine has a side effect of violent coughing…and death. High blood pressure medicine has a side effect of an elevated heart rate…and death. Pain medicine has a side effect of the plague…and death. Asthma medicine has a side effect of difficulty breathing…and death. Is it always necessary to kill the people when they seek help? Is this common practice now-a-days? Seems to me like someone did not complete the research and development portion for the drug, but definitely hit the deadline (AKA ran out of research money) and was just like “ah, screw it, we can put all the things we didn’t test as side effects hahaha”. 

Or they are just avoiding potential lawsuits. Either way, it would be nice to not have to worry about my survival every time I have a cough. I’m shocked that band-aids don’t come with warnings of potential death. CAUTION! The adhesive may not come fully off upon removal and be absorbed by the skin where it will slowly seep into the bloodstream and traverse up to the heart upon which it will stick the walls together and prevent a heartbeat.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you also have concerns about the alarming number of side effects on modern day medicines hit me up and we can chat about our theories on pharmaceutical collusion. If you are one of the collusion-ists, shame on you, but thanks for reading!


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I’M NOT A HOARDER, I’M SENTIMENTAL

You know how the saying goes: the more space you have, the more space you’ll fill up. I think that’s how it goes…but now that I’m thinking about it there’s a good chance I made it up. The concept is what’s really important here though – that being that you will “grow” into whatever extra space you have. Why is that? Seems like a very first-world problem where we have this need to fill the emptiness in our lives with something.

That just got way, way, way too deep for this blog so I’m going to take a massive step back into borderline nonsense territory before I scare some readers away. Anyways, back in the comfort of the half-joking, half-serious, and fully sarcastic world that I live in, I have noticed that I do tend to fill every last inch of space that is in the place where I’m living, or working, or eating lunch, or being chauffeured around in, or anywhere really that I ever am (regardless of whether or not I own said space). 

Extra shelf in the linen closet? Seems like the perfect place to store all the exercise equipment I’m not using. Extra drawer in the kitchen? Obviously I should put whiteboard markers in there just in case I ever buy a whiteboard for my fridge. Extra space on my desk? Seems like a good day to take an “extended lunch break” and see what goodies lie in the Amazon universe of office accessories. Extra seat next to me in the Uber? Clearly meant to put my backpack, coat, water bottle, keys, cell phone, lunchbox, and camera on (because putting them in the backpack would be ridiculous).

Can you relate? Duh – who doesn’t?! Why do you think tiny houses are so popular right now? The less space, then, by default, the less stuff you are allowed to have. Nothing like cutting out 95% of your square footage to force a serious spring cleaning. I mean, that is the only purpose of those houses right? Because who would willingly just live in that tiny of a space where the bathroom and the bedroom don’t only share a wall, they are one and the same. Be honest with yourselves for a second…every once in a while something tears right through your digestive system and leaves a very unpleasant output. Nobody’s trying to have that literally hanging in the air when trying to sleep, or eat.

So, for all the regular house living people in the world, who else has trouble getting rid of things? No need to raise your hand, I can’t see you. Just have that thought to yourself and know that you and I have at least one thing in common. Now, it’s not for a lack of trying, I have to say. I attempt to get rid of things (like random grocery store receipts, and instructions to appliances that I no longer own, or clothing that I bought in high school and it really should have stayed in high school) at least once every few months. The best motivation is right after I go through and online shopping spree and realize that there isn’t enough room for everyone at the party and I’ll be darned if my brand new friends get kicked out.

If you’re anything like me, then you go through everything you own and have excuses for simply throwing away the bare minimum amount of items. Thoughts like these dance through your head (because rule number one rule of having to throw away your “precious” is to have some killer dance music playing):

  • I don’t own a Mr. Coffee pot anymore, but what if I decide to buy one again someday (if all the Keurigs turn into robots and run away) and it DOESN’T come with instructions?!
  • I haven’t worn XS shirts since I was 5, but what if I lose all the weight on my body and become just a walking skeleton?! I would need this shirt
  • I don’t need 4 different backpacks, but what if three of them all break in some fashion?! I would need the fourth one as a back-back-backup
  • I haven’t shopped at this store in years, but what if I can still go online and get the $5 off coupon?!

Inevitably, then, nothing goes away as all of our incredibly logic thoughts convince us to keep them *just* *in* *case*. Does that make us hoarders? No, I like to believe it simply makes us sentimental. Besides, there’s always room under the bed, and in some closet/cabinet to store things, right?! If not, you aren’t shoving hard enough.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who has a hard time parting with their belongings, share this post so we can trade war stories of being knee deep in socks and still trying to carefully find a place to put the newest few pairs. Thanks for reading!


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