WEATHERMAN JOB PERFORMANCE STANDARDS v. EVERY OTHER FIELD
TL;DR: If you get paid to give me the weather, you better be accurate…anyone can look out a window and guess.
Weather might be the most unpredictable thing in our lives. Well, aside from that person you really like who is sending mixed signals with their choice to say hi instead of hey! – how am I supposed to take that?! You’re only mildly satisfied to talk to me?! You didn’t think I deserved a full on exclamation point?! I mean, you get all cute and flirty, then don’t respond for 8 hours….you may be at work, but we both know you’re checking your phone. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions that’s frankly exhausting.
Full disclosure, in the middle of that tangent I forgot where I was going and was about to write a post about dating, but let’s climb that mountain another day because we have more important things to talk about – specifically, how in the world weathermen (or weatherpeople to be politically correct) don’t get fired constantly. Now, I am a young professional, wait, no that feels too mature for the way I’m approaching the work life…I have a job (that feels 100% appropriate). And in said job, there are certain performance criteria that I have to meet (over and over again, apparently, which is a separate rollercoaster of emotional pain). And if I fail to meet said criteria I will no longer have a job. Instead, I will have a lot of free time Monday through Friday between the hours of 9AM-5PM. As much as I like to believe that I’m “special” and “unique” and “going places”, and all the other things that older generations think us millennials wake up and repeat to ourselves in the mirror daily, it turns out that EVERY job has performance standards. Not only that, but in ALMOST every job, those directly correlate to whether or not you keep said job (more so said income, am I right?). Funny thing about that though, is that apparently this isn’t true for all jobs – two come immediately to mind, one of which we are about to dive into so grab your umbrella and buckle up those rain boots because it looks like full sunshine today!
DEAR CAR COMMERCIALS: PUT IT IN PARK
TL;DR: I love watching the fictional story that is a car commercial. Oh, there’s no traffic anywhere that you’re driving, even though it’s clearly in a major city? Interesting. Wow, look, is that an open parking spot in front of wherever you’re going? Seems like fake news.
We live in a world full of expectations. Everything has an expectation attached to it. How to dress, who to hang out with, when to get married, how much money to make, which side of the Earth the sun will rise on, how much is a “single serving” of food, etc. I have a lot of thoughts on the current state of “serving sizes” and how unrealistic those are (you can read more on that in THIS POST), but I don’t want to derail in the opening paragraph.
Personally, I like to defy social expectations – sometimes by choice, usually based on external factors, and occasionally because I’m simply oblivious. For example, apparently there’s an unspoken rule where if you (an adult) are in a line and there are children behind you, you (the adult) are supposed to let the children cut in front because…I don’t actually know why. Because they’re rude and have no manners?! Do they have priority? What gives them this priority? I’m older, smarter, more successful, less messy, better mannered, educated, a social contributor to the economy, I can go on and on. Besides, learning patience is a valuable skill, so I definitely do not let their tears sway me. Wait your turn, like the rest of us, to pet the owl.
However, there are certain expectations that are just the worst when they don’t turn out how you imagined in the land of rainbows, unicorns, and no bills. Can you guess what the most frustrating one is? Yes! Car commercials! I believe we are all on the same page here. Let’s talk about the massive amount of expectations that car commercials put on the consumer. And then all the let downs that come from that.
YOU’RE BEING SPIED ON ANYWAY – JUST EMBRACE TECHNOLOGY
TL;DR: Believe it or not, that app would be more helpful if you just accepted the permission settings and let it do what it was built for: to make your life easier.
There’s an app for everything now. Want to learn a new language? There’s an app for that. Need someone to walk your dog? There’s an app for that. Looking for (incorrect) weather information? There’s definitely an app for that. Want a virtual shave? Yes, there’s an app for that. Wonder what it’s like to count a million dollars? You bet there’s an app for that. Have you always wanted to milk a cow? Well, you’re in luck, because there’s even an app for that!
Apps, apps, apps – Oprah would be in heaven. If you think about the apps on your phone, tablet, watch, computer, etc. right now most of them are probably a bit more productive than the cow milking one (maybe not though, I don’t know you). You probably have a navigation app, a weather app, some “work” apps to keep track of your calendar, expenses, documents, emails, and other adult nonsense, a social media app (or two, or three, or twelve), a “live-your-best-life” app, an app with no purpose other than to waste time, a game app, and maybe a travel app or a sports app. Sound about right? Of course it does! I’m a millennial after all – that basically makes me an app guru.
Which, for the record, being a millennial does not mean that I can troubleshoot your technological problems for you. I didn’t create or build these apps. If I did, I wouldn’t still be working my 8-8 that’s for freaking sure – I’d be living off of all the ad revenue from addicted users like yourself. So please stop asking me how to fix it. Those apps have a customer support team for a reason…ask them, it’s literally their job to help you. Someone PAYS them to help you. No one is paying me to help you.
EXTREME QUARANTINE: GLASS HALF FULL OF EMERGEN-C AND A SUNNY ATTITUDE
TL;DR: It’s an unprecedented time – the world is shutting down to protect our lives. There’s a lot of brutally honest, sky is falling, news going around and it can be hard to spend all day errday with the fam. Amidst the severity of the COVID-19 crisis, though, I think it’s important to keep a glass half full approach to life.
Life is uncertain right now. Probably the most uncertain it’s been in a very long time. How long is this going to last? How long will I not be able to leave my home? How long until I can travel again? Go to work again? Take the daily my-life-is-better-than-yours selfie again? Sit down in a restaurant again? Go to the gym again? Well…that is not a corona issue. More of a life choices issue.
Point being that no one really knows. We can guess. Guessing is great on tests, but not so great on life-threatening diseases. In no way am I trying to belittle what’s going on. It’s very serious and I do think that it’s important everyone come together and do their part to help knock this out and move on. I’m merely here to give you great suggestions on how to fill this blessing of free time that has been given to you by nature. Some people don’t like free time – if you feel blessing is not the correct noun here, then you would fall into this category.
Personally, I’m not a huge fan, but it would be a shame to spend the next month (hopefully that’s it?) in fear and complaining about not being able to get away from your family / roommates / evil cat / etc. That is a recipe for broken relationships. So, to avoid the “I used to know that person, but now they’re dead to me” feeling, you have to be prepared. Specifically you need enough activities to keep everyone happily occupied for the duration of the quarantine period.
HOW PRODUCTIVE WOULD I BE IF BUZZFEED DIDN’T EXIST?
TL;DR: The BuzzFeed blackhole of endless content is almost as solid as the options on YouTube. Great for wasting time, not so great for being productive.
You know all those times when you’re at work and you’ve been there all day, but that lying SOB the clock says you’ve only been there for 15 minutes. You know, like every Monday through Friday. Maybe the clock is broken? It is on the wall after all – didn’t they stop making those about 20 years ago? Must just be outdated technology…those times are the literal WORST though! Because you’ve already done an entire’s day work – much too efficiently apparently. So what’s going to fill the remaining 7 hours and 45 minutes of your time until you can leave the office without having to sneak out the bathroom window so your boss doesn’t catch you and lecture you about being committed and earning your salary and we don’t pay you to play and blah, blah, blah.
Well, naturally, since you’ve finished your work for your day, you turn to the Internet’s black hole of written context – BuzzFeed. Why not YouTube, you may be wondering? Ah, yes, the best way to waste an entire day and not even realize it. It’s simple really: have you ever gotten caught browsing a mind-numbing, unproductive site? Specifically, have you ever gotten caught by your boss on one of these sites during work hours? Clearly not if you’re asking why I’m not wasting my time on YouTube.
KISS ME, I’M IRISH…BUT ACTUALLY
TL;DR: Any holiday celebrating drinking is fine by me. Especially one with green as the official color. So chug your beer, find a shamrock, and kiss an Irish stranger.
Erin go Bragh! Sláinte! That would be Ireland forever and cheers to all you non-native Irish speakers. Ireland speaks English, technically, but in a very Irish way and I mean that with all the love in the world. Kind of how Southerners have created their own language, bless their hearts. So raise a pint because it’s St. Patrick’s Day – the best adult holiday on the planet! I’m not sure if minors celebrate this day or not. What would you do? Permanently dye your mouth green with all the “naturally” flavored treats in the shape of a shamrock? Go around pinching people for not wearing green? Sounds like a good time.
Thankfully, I am a legal adult in every single country on this beautiful planet. At one point in my life, I was not, but several (legal) St. Patrick’s day celebrations have caused me to forget my entire youth. Well, not the entire thing. Just the boring parts like thinking I was cool for pinching other people. If I was really trying to punish them, a backhand would have worked better. Because it should be a crime not to wear green today. It’s the one requirement all year. Wear green on St. Patrick’s Day. If you do nothing else, you must wear green. Unless you’re a Mean Girl, in which case, on Wednesdays you wear pink.
A true historian would roll over in their grave, though, because blue was the original color of this celebration. It became green when people started associating it with Ireland and all it’s rolling green hills, jolly green giants, Lucky Charms, green beans…wait. No, it’s the shamrock. That’s Ireland’s official emblem. How lucky. No wonder the Earth blessed them and banished all the snakes from the island.
TWELVE TROLL OBSERVATIONS FROM THE TROLLS WORLD TOUR TRAILER
TL;DR: They’re fuzzy, they’re tiny, they have strong genre opinions, and they’re not scared to give strangers hugs, and they’re back. Get ready for the only world tour that you’ll be able to see from the comfort of your own couch – the new century version of the Smurfs…it’s the TROLLS!
It’s been a few years since Dreamworks turned back time and decided that the troll “action” figures needed to be animated in their own entire feature film. Of all the popular toys, though, from the late 1900’s, this was probably the safest choice. Also, the children of today have no smurf-like characters to compare tiny things to. As an “adult”, I didn’t hate it. Didn’t love it enough for a World Tour, but the children have spoken so here we are.
There’s a LOT to unpack from the official 2 minute and 46 second commercial. Easter eggs galore that I really hope expand into the movie itself – maybe Easter egg is not an appropriate metaphor here since they’re bigger than a troll. Pebbles? Music notes? Whatever you want to call it, if the movie is anything like the trailer, it will be confusing, highly predictable, yet somehow addictive and catchy.
SWIVEL CHAIRS ARE THE SLICED BREAD OF OFFICE FURNITURE
TL;DR: Someone (let’s call them a genius) decided that office furniture was about as boring as the work you are doing with it. Enter the swivel chair and endless opportunities to fidget, get distracted, work out, waste time, etc.
Think about your job for a second. I know, I’m sorry to take you there, but play along. Trust me. Now, think about your office building – specifically your desk. What do you love about your desk? Is it the pictures of your friends/family that prove you have a life when you leave the building? Is it the holiday decorations that you refuse to take down because who says you can’t have a cheerful spirit all year? Is it the snack stash that you have for “stressful” times (AKA, every second of every minute of every hour of the work day)? Is it the dividers blocking you from having to actually *gasp* talk to your co-workers?
Sure, those things are all fine. But think more superficially and less emotionally. Think about your desk chair. Are you blessed with a swivel chair? Then you, my friend, are blessed enough! Swivel chairs are my favorite part of the office. Arguably, my favorite invention. Who doesn’t love a good swivel chair?! Monsters, that’s who.
Are there crappy swivel chairs out there? Sure. There’s crappy cars, crappy phones, crappy streaming services, crappy memes, crappy tacos. And yet, we still have a deep connection with all of those things, yes? When you eat a taco that is not your favorite, you don’t go back to that place. You find a better taco joint. When you see a mediocre meme, you keep reading through memes until you find one you can’t stop laughing at. When your streaming service decides to drop the handful of channels you actually watch, you cancel your subscription and level up to a better one.
WHAT IS EVEN THE PURPOSE OF A FITTED SHEET?
TL;DR: Fitted sheets confuse me. How do you fold them? Which side is the bed width versus the bed length? Can I not just use another regular sheet, is the fitted one special? Too many questions for a bed linen.
Sleeping on soft, clean sheets is such an amazing feeling. Because you don’t know who I am, I won’t lie and say I wash my sheets every day – although if the bed making process weren’t so complicated I would be more inclined to act like an adult and get clean sheets more often. Regular sheets make sense. Don’t want to sleep straight on the mattress. You’d wake up with all those fun sleep lines, but amplified based on your mattress pattern. Your leg would look quilted. Luckily that’s “in” right now in the fashion world so at least you wouldn’t look completely ridiculous.
Comforters also make sense. If you just had a sheet you’d be cold. And to avoid being cold you’d curl up into a tiny little ball. Then in the morning, unpretzeling yourself would be quite the adventure with noises and popping on par with having aged 50 years overnight. If that isn’t convincing enough (because you make noises anyways…mid-20s going on 90, am I right?!) just think of how sore you’ll be all day long from sleeping in such an unnatural position for 8 hours…ok 7 hours…no, fine, 4 and, maybe a half, hours, but still a long time!
You know what else makes sense? Pillowcases. I mean, you could just sleep on the pillow I guess. But anyone who saw your bed would hard core judge your decisions. Of EVERYTHING on the bed, pillowcases are the cheapest things…and they come with the sheet sets. Did you throw them away?! Why don’t you have any?! You have sheets on the bed, so what’s the deal here?!
IF PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY, THE GYM HAS TAUGHT ME I HAVE ZERO STRENGTH
TL;DR: Why can’t I do a workout that leaves me feeling supercalifragilisticexpialidocious the next day? Why do I have to hurt in places I didn’t know existed? The pain game is the worst and I’m NOT here for it.
‘You know it was a good workout when you can’t feel your legs the next day’ – all the fitness gurus. ‘If I can’t feel my legs, that seems like a serious medical condition’ – Me
Pain is weakness leaving the body. Who came up with that phrase?! What weakness are you removing? Are there no other ways to get stronger? This seems like a backwards mentality – if you workout until you are in pain, then yes, eventually you’ll get stronger after you fully heal. On the other hand, if you push yourself without crossing the pain threshold, you’ll wake up feeling normal and will be able to do another workout…the very next day. Not 4-6 weeks later.
I mean sure, DOMS is satisfying (if you don’t know what DOMS is, it stands for Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness), but soreness is the key word here. This isn’t DOMP for a reason. Pushing through pain leads to injury which leads to recovery AKA time spent on the couch doing little physical activity, but still eating like you’re training for the Olympics. (because we’re Americans and have zero control).
I’M SO GLAD I’M PARKED ON THE HIGHWAY FOR AN ACCIDENT ON THE OTHER SIDE
TL;DR: You know what’s super fun? When drivers think it’s acceptable to slow down so they can look at an accident on the other side of the road. Fun fact: that has nothing to do with your ability to keep moving forward at the speed limit. Keep the pedal to the metal and carry on.
We’re a curious species aren’t we? Always needing to know what’s happening regardless of what we are doing at that moment. Even if it’s something potentially dangerous like, say, driving, or entering the nuclear codes.
Let’s take a journey to imagination island. Imagine if you were driving at a high speed (maybe…on a highway) and there are other cars all around you, because it’s rush hour, and something happens on the other side of the road (let’s say a fender bender, which has ZERO impact on your drive by the way). How do you react? Do you:
A. Keep your eyes on the road and maintain your speed because it’s dangerous not to
B. Glance briefly and hope everyone is ok, but keep on keeping on at your speed
C. Stop and stare
Just to be clear, C is not an acceptable answer in this scenario. I get it – you want to be nosy and feel a little better about being a good driver and paying attention. Oh, the irony there kills me. How can you judge the person who caused the accident when you yourself are about to cause another one?! Spoiler Alert: going from 70 to 10 on a HIGHWAY is not something the driver behind you is expecting. You might very well be the next fender bender victim. Who knows, maybe the first one was caused because one of the drivers saw a bird, or new construction starting and slowed down to get a better look.
DEAR AIRLINES: PLEASE DON’T TREAT MY LUGGAGE LIKE YOUR EX
TL;DR: ‘I love how carefully the airlines place my checked baggage on the luggage belt, then gently put it in the cargo bay of the plane’ – said no one ever.
Who reading this has ridden in an airplane? Who reading this has ever checked baggage with an airline? Who reading this has ever stressed out endlessly over the safety of the fragile items in said checked baggage until you were able to confirm there was no damage (hopefully)? If you answered yes to any of those questions (hopefully in your head or you might look a little crazy speaking to a computer) then you understand the brutal epidemic that is occurring right now when it comes to transporting luggage from one place to the next.
How hard is it to be just a little more careful when handling my bags? There’s no need to treat it like someone you’re angry with (an ex per se) and throw it away. For one, I’m paying extra money to bring this bag so you should be extra gentle with it. If it was free, I might be a little more understanding. Also, can we talk about general respect for people’s property. Like my uncle says ‘Don’t be afraid to treat it like your own’. Ah, the sound of wisdom.
Not to call out any specific airline, but recently I was traveling and had a checked bag so I took it to the counter. I smiled, tried to be friendly and polite with the airline representative through small talk, then gave her my bag. I wish this next part was a joke, but sadly, for the glass items in said luggage, it is not. She took my bag, lifted it onto the luggage belt (wheels down, so it was standing up), took two steps back, drew in a deep breath, moved forward and pushed (with all her strength plus the added weight of her momentum…remember the back-up) my luggage down. The sound of my 35 pound luggage crashing from its perch, ~2 feet tall, all the way down onto that belt turned my stomach. A lot of things shock me, but that took the cake. I just stood there with my mouth open until she looked past me and said ‘Next’ (with a smug smile on her face too).
LIFE LESSONS FROM CRIMINAL MINDS
TL;DR: There are some not so good people who roam the streets. Thankfully, a small team based in DC is here to save us from all of them. Where would we be without the BAU?
Hollywood has never been accused of exaggerating, or lying, in their television series so it’s safe to assume that everything is 100% accurate with how the world works. Same as with things you read on the Internet. Totally factual. This is why I binge-watch (and am good at it, you can read more about how to do it like a pro in THIS POST). Purely for the knowledge and zero other reason.
Some shows have been around since the dinosaurs. You know which ones I’m talking about. Anything in a double digit season, or on their fifth farewell season, or the ones where you think you’re watching a rerun, then realize that the description says it came out last week and you wonder if you invented time travel overnight successfully. I love playing the guessing game of whether or not this is really goodbye. You say this is the last time, and yet here you are…again…broadcasting all over my screens that you’re coming back for more. Then, when the end does come, your emotional bank is empty and you’re just left feeling confused, without direction for the evening ritual of mindlessness.
Criminal Minds is one of those shows. Unless you haven’t turned on a TV since 2005, you’ve seen Criminal Minds. Even if you didn’t realize you were watching Criminal Minds. It’s everywhere. I always forget that they’re still actively catching the world’s most disturbed individuals (because crime doesn’t stop). Well, that’s not entirely true. This is the year that it stops. Right? If the show is ending, have they caught EVERYONE? If not, then you better saddle back up cowboy and finish the job. How am I supposed to have any sense of safety in life sans my fictional saviors? It might be time to start preparing for the end of the world.
I WINE, YOU WINE, WE ALL WINE FOR A REFILL
TL;DR: Who doesn’t love a good glass of wine? Minors, because that’s illegal. For all the adults in the room though, don’t be bashful. Connoisseur, casual drinker, or sorrow drowner – let’s all agree that life is better with more wine.
I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure that wine is what fuels the Earth’s core and keeps us happily rotating around a bright, hot ball people call the Sun. After all, sunlight helps plants grow, such as a vine. Which, last time I checked, looks a lot like a plant. It has a brown stick looking thing and some green leaves. Green leaves that also happen to produce juicy, delicious little orbs in multiple colors. If you carefully handle the vine, retrieve the orbs of goodness, gently place them in a barrel, then smash them all up it gives us the syrup of the sun: wine. Seems to me like a perfect lifecycle. In summary: wine makes the Earth go around the Sun, who in return for our never-ending presence, abundantly continues to produce the ingredients. Science.
The Sun is surprisingly human in this theory. It doesn’t want to be alone. Relatable? Yes. If you thought no, might I recommend making some friends? Nobody wants to be alone. So like a typical human, the Sun buys happiness and friendship with grapes…for wine. In case you forgot what this post was about. Relatable? Meh, I personally am not rich enough to buy my entourage so strangely enough they just like me. The Sun is a big star though so we probably live totally separate lives. It has over a million Twitter followers. Wait, sorry, that’s a London newspaper. The REAL Sun account only casually has like 13.5K, but follows NOBODY. Not sure how the other planets feel about this…seems like we could be nearing a revolt. Where everyone breaks off to find a better leader. One who follows back. Like a real friend. Although we have established the Sun simply buys planets with alcohol so I guess it’s not super genuine.
Coming back in from the black hole I just fell into, wine! If you don’t like wine, first of all you’re a liar. More importantly, now is a good time to start, don’t let the experts scare you off. Second, I don’t trust you. If I can’t drink two entire bottles of wine with you (one for each of us because I have restraint obviously) then how can I tell you any of my secrets. You’ll remember all of them. Mmm, nope sorry that would be two bottles of something either clear or brown.
WHO NEEDS LOVE WHEN THERE’S CHOCOLATE
TL;DR: Virginia is for lovers – so is Valentine’s Day. Personally, not a fan. If you’re single it’s a hard slap in the face, but if you’re in a relationship there’s all the pressure to make a grand gesture. You can’t win, but you can eat all the delicious chocolate treats without judgement so I guess there’s that.
V Day. No, not like that, get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about love, and sex, and magic…ok, so maybe it is like that – Valentine’s Day! The original Hallmark holiday. The only day of the year where you’re publicly allowed to express your love for your partner. Well, maybe not the only day. Obviously you are allowed a bit of PDA on your wedding day, too. Otherwise, though, keep that nonsense locked down. Nobody wants to see that!
Wait, I’m sorry. For some reason I was thinking we were still in the Victorian Era where ankles were risque and it took people all day to get dressed just so they could take it all off and go to bed. Alone. In separate rooms. With no goodnight kiss or hug. No verbal commitment of love. Like Cupid always hoped for.
Nowadays privacy is a term that doesn’t really exist. After sex selfies? Of course your followers want to see that – hi mom! Posts of every time you text each other? I was feeling a bit left out of the relationship so thank you for giving me detailed updates. Overly detailed scenes in all movies PG-13 and up? Kids have to grow up someday, might as well start the conversation early.
I LOVE MY DOG MORE THAN I LOVE YOU
TL;DR: I think honesty is important in any relationship – so I’m always very upfront: I will love my dog more than I will love you. If you can’t handle it, then I can’t handle you, please close the door on your way out.
Dogs are simply the best. That’s it, that’s the whole point, no need to go any further with this post – dogs are awesome and more people should have them. Think about all the adorable, fluffy, happy-to-just-be-alive puppers you’ve ever been graced with meeting and if that doesn’t make you smile then I don’t believe you actually have a soul.
I’m not naive, though, for all the joy that dogs bring to humans there are a few exceptions to enjoying the presence of a dog. If your excuse is not listed here, then I’m sorry but it’s not a valid excuse for not loving dogs:
- Ugly Dogs (we all know which breeds I’m talking about, but in the spirit of inclusion I won’t call any of them out on here)
- Yes, there are ugly dogs. I, a self-proclaimed and always right, dog lover will admit that certain dogs make me cringe a bit and it takes all my will-power to not look away immediately, but to smile and make it feel somewhat loved still
- Mean Dogs
- Maybe you’ve had an unpleasant experience with a mean doggo that scarred you and has left you unable to forgive the entire species. Take a step back for a hot second and realize that no species is perfect and there’s always the idiots who bite people for no reason and make everyone look bad. Don’t judge a book by the ones around it – kick that son of a b*tch (literally, get it) in its snout and move on to find the millions of cuddly, loving dogs out there
- Allergic to Dogs
- This is probably the most valid excuse, but just because you’re allergic to real dogs doesn’t mean you can’t look up amazing, life-changing GIFs of cute puppies from time to time to make you feel complete
WARNING! SCARY COMMERCIAL COMING
TL;DR: How is it that you can’t get into an R rated movie by yourself until you’re 17, but those commercials just play freely on TV without any warning? Those could scar children…or adults who frighten easily.
It’s no secret that I’m not the biggest fan of Halloween – more specifically, I’m not the biggest fan of frightening things. I don’t like to be scared…it’s not my idea of a good time. People who like to be scared confuse me. There are plenty of other ways to have a mini heart attack and induce nightmares for weeks that don’t involve creatures from the deepest, darkest, depths of hell.
I mean, really, where do people even come up with some of these ideas?! Kind of seems like they take something that’s supposed to be calming and happy and they turn it into a devil that terrorizes innocent people because why? Because they can? Where do these people even come from?! What happened in their childhood to make it so that their joy is derived from the terror of others? I honestly don’t even understand how one gets to that state mentally.
My list of questions about who is creating this content, why they think it’s acceptable, the people who pay money to partake in this, etc. are endless. Regardless of my feelings on the matter though, scary movies are wildly popular. All year long. Even during seasons that are supposed to be purely delightful, pleasant, and merry. I won’t even get started on the Christmas horror movies that have appeared recently. No, just no – those need to die.
ALL I WANT IS A REALISTIC SERVING SIZE
TL;DR: Let’s be honest, I’m not here to only eat 2 cookies or 13 potato chips…how many calories are in the WHOLE package/bag?
What even is portion control? Do people actually do that? How does it work – do you longingly stare at what you want and hope that imagining the taste of that delicious treat is just as satisfying? Or do you avoid food altogether and hype yourself up on some sort of liquid diet to “feel full” and “energized”?
I’m all for leading a healthy lifestyle (that’s why I balance my eating with exercise…duh!), but I have zero control. Shoutout to all the people with more willpower than me though. You can portion control for the both of us. Because let’s be honest, if I’m going to treat myself, I’m going to freaking TREAT MA SELF (know what I’m saying?). Family size? More like family of one size. King size? Yes, me being the king of my own castle it is just my size. Great for sharing? Well, that’s just your opinion marketing team – I’ll share with me. Fun size? Get that sh*t out of here, I want a real snack, there’s nothing fun about a tiny sample.
Here’s how I look at it: I’m already blowing my calorie count and destroying my health kick for the day so I might as well go all in. Oh, who am I kidding, this is not an occasional thing. This is a daily occurrence in my life. And also in the lives of people around me, so I think it’s one of those awkward ‘it’s not me, it’s definitely 100% you’ type of situations
HONKING WON’T MAKE TRAFFIC MOVE ANY FASTER
TL;DR: Wow, your horn suddenly activated my gas pedal and made all the cars in front of me disappear! Thank you for finally opening the road so I can move forward! I thought I’d be here forever, but you’ve found the traffic cure.
The car horn can save lives…when used correctly. Unfortunately, like most things with good intentions, it gets abused. Heavily, obnoxiously, unnecessarily abused. Despite popular belief, the sound of a car horn is not pleasant and doesn’t instill feelings of confidence, peace, and joy. No, the car horn usually evokes feelings of panic, fear, and anger. So why do so many drivers think it’s acceptable to play a little horn karaoke during every commute that they take?
This may come as a surprise for our horn-loving friends, but your horn is not all powerful. In fact, it cannot do any of the following:
- Make ALL the cars in front of the one you’re stopped behind move
- Clear up an intersection traffic jam
- Make a lane blocking accident disappear into thin air
- Change a light from red to green
- Make a highway parking lot suddenly move
- Force the pedestrian to walk faster
- Make the muscle movement to take the foot off the brake and put it on the gas any faster than immediate when the light turns green
If any of those surprise you, or if you just disagree, then you are a horn abuser and need to chill. Clearly you are hoping to accomplish one of those things, right? But you can’t. It’s impossible. That’s not how the car horn works! Let me enlighten you on the PROPER ways to use your horn:
LIFE LESSONS FROM GAME OF THRONES
TL;DR: The battle for the Iron Throne was very entertaining to watch. It also brought to light some fascinating life lessons that can help you get whatever it is that you deserve – a one-way ticket to Castle Black, a crown, death…I don’t know what choices you’ve made in life.
If you’ve never seen Game of Thrones, what’s wrong with you? Read this, learn your lessons, then park yourself in front of a television for the next week to catch up, binge-watching style, with the rest of humanity. For all the GOT faithful, I’m about to strike a nerve with a bunch of you, but I actually liked the way that it ended. How else would you have wrapped that up? Kill everyone? I guess then the lone dragon could summon dinosaur friends and kick off history. That would be a fun twist to our species! You could be a Targaryen, or a Stark, or a Lannister, or a Dothraki…probably wouldn’t be an Unsullied though. I’m guessing that part of the peace initiative would have included putting an end to torturing small children so they could be hard-core warriors.
For a few minutes there I was trying to figure out which house I descended from and then I remembered that I definitely made that up. Thank goodness for online quizzes. I’m a Greyjoy so that answers my questions. I always wanted to be a sailor, better put in my two-week notice at work tomorrow, then buy some ships and an isolated island. And probably a suit of armor because my people love to fight.
Anyways, watching the series helped me learn some valuable life lessons that I feel compelled to share…despite my people being on the more selfish side. Look at me breaking molds and forging my own path in life. My mom would be so proud.
YOU CAN LOOK AT THE MENU BEFORE IT’S YOUR TURN TO ORDER, NO ONE IS STOPPING YOU
TL;DR: Menus are printed in huge font for a reason. Don’t be the person that waits to read it until you’re at the front of the line…no one likes that person.
Waiting in line is simply the worst. Sure, you can check email, browse all your social media accounts, play 10 levels on your favorite game, check your bank statement, find potential flights for your upcoming vacation, register for a local event, check current sport scores, send some beautiful selfies of yourself to your friends, make a to-do list, see what the weather will be like this weekend, get directions to the nearest bakery, connect with people you just met in line on LinkedIn, order a car to pick you up after you’re done waiting in line, read some motivational quotes, make your selfies professional looking with photoshop, learn a new language, manage your blog…oh my goodness who even needs computers anymore?!
Let me start over. Waiting in line may be the most productive place on the planet. Productive, or not, though, does anyone really enjoy it? Like to the point where you just hope that you get stuck in a line? If so, kudos to you and your patience. For everyone else (who is normal) it’s still no fun. Especially when you’re waiting for food. Did I stress that enough? When you’re hungry, or hangry, waiting in line is THE WORST!
So if I feel that way, and you feel that way, how then are there people who think it’s acceptable to stand in line and not even look at the menu until it’s their turn to order?! It’s one thing if you walk into a restaurant, and there is no one waiting to order and so you stroll up to the counter and read every item on the menu like you’re going to be tested on it. Totally fine! You’re not impeding anyone from their destiny of fulfillment.
DEAR UBER DRIVERS: LET’S JUST ASSUME I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET THERE
TL;DR: Maybe I don’t fully understand how Uber works, but if I order a ride, then I also expect you (as the driver) to be fully in charge of getting me to my destination. Don’t ask me how to get there – that’s why I’m paying you.
Ride-sharing programs are wildly popular right now. For good reason though – it eliminates the need for you to drive somewhere. Whatever that reason is to you, worry no more! Some rando is about to come pick you up! Sounds disturbingly similar to the warnings I used to hear as a child about stranger danger, but good for the entrepreneurs who decided to capitalize on the tragedy of others, I suppose.
If you think too much about the concept of Uber, or Lyft, or a taxi (first of all, don’t because it gets weird) you’ll probably freak yourself out and choose to walk everywhere instead. Remember the warning about not taking candy from the person with the creeper van or the story about the “friendly” couple who lost their dog and wants you to help them find it? Same concept, except instead of getting candy, or to play with a cute puppy, you have to pay. Actual money. That you’ve worked (way) too hard to earn because companies today expect the world but opt not to pay for it. Feel me? Dream opportunity: work a minimum of 80 hours a week and we will pay you minimum wage so you never pay off your debt to the government and are forever obligated to continue working…forever. Goodbye fun, goodbye friends, goodbye happiness. Different topic – I digress.
So we’ve gotten past the potential for abduction with these programs and have opted to (*gasp*) pay for it. Kudos, though, to all those companies for taking the security of passengers and drivers seriously and continuously making adjustments so you can feel safe (not trying to get sued here because that sounds hella expensive). Now, there are multiple reasons why one would need / want to be chauffeured around:
NOT FEELING WELL? TAKE THIS MEDICINE, SIDE EFFECTS: DEATH
TL;DR: Isn’t it great when you aren’t feeling well and the recommended medicine could make you feel so much better? Or, it could kill you – who’s to say, really?
Pharmaceuticals. What a weird word. Why is it so gigantic? Is that necessary? No, I’ll go ahead and answer that. Drug is easier to say. It’s also a much more versatile word – it can be interpreted to suit each person’s unique tastes. Pharmaceutical is just so…one-sided? Stuck up? My way or the highway? Yes, yes, and yes. There’s only one thing that is referring to. Disgusting “grape” flavored cough syrup or a horse pill falsely labeled as a “softgel”. One only gets a pharmaceutical when it’s the last resort. A drug…well, I will not go further into this metaphor. Use your imagination.
I think that maybe drug companies, excuse me, pharmaceutical companies, get paid for each letter that goes into their documentation. How else do you explain the extremely complicated names for the medicines that exist on the market today? Honestly, who is in charge of this? Is it the scientists? Scientists are an entirely different breed of humans, excuse me, homo sapiens.
For anyone who has ever looked at the label on their pharmaceutical, you understand where I’m coming from. Ibuprofen is actually (RS)-2-(4-(2-methylpropyl)phenyl)propanoic acid…what in the actual effing hell is that?! Tylenol / Advil – oh, you know, if they’re feeling casual it’s Acetaminophen, but when it’s a black tie event they’re all N-(4-hydroxyphenyl)ethanamide. I literally cannot with this, but it’s kind of fun so here’s the real identity of some of our favorite drugs:
I’M NOT A HOARDER, I’M SENTIMENTAL
TL;DR: I don’t have trouble throwing things away – I just prefer to shove them in the closet or under the bed and keep them forever. I’m sure you can relate.
You know how the saying goes: the more space you have, the more space you’ll fill up. I think that’s how it goes…but now that I’m thinking about it there’s a good chance I made it up. The concept is what’s really important here though – that being that you will “grow” into whatever extra space you have. Why is that? Seems like a very first-world problem where we have this need to fill the emptiness in our lives with something.
That just got way, way, way too deep for this blog so I’m going to take a massive step back into borderline nonsense territory before I scare some readers away. Anyways, back in the comfort of the half-joking, half-serious, and fully sarcastic world that I live in, I have noticed that I do tend to fill every last inch of space that is in the place where I’m living, or working, or eating lunch, or being chauffeured around in, or anywhere really that I ever am (regardless of whether or not I own said space).
Extra shelf in the linen closet? Seems like the perfect place to store all the exercise equipment I’m not using. Extra drawer in the kitchen? Obviously I should put whiteboard markers in there just in case I ever buy a whiteboard for my fridge. Extra space on my desk? Seems like a good day to take an “extended lunch break” and see what goodies lie in the Amazon universe of office accessories. Extra seat next to me in the Uber? Clearly meant to put my backpack, coat, water bottle, keys, cell phone, lunchbox, and camera on (because putting them in the backpack would be ridiculous).
I FREQUENTLY COMPLETE MARATHONS…BINGE WATCHING MARATHONS
TL;DR: ‘Marathons take a lot of dedicated training and persistent effort to complete’ – long distance runners of the world. Agreed.
Marathon runners confuse me. Actually, runners in general confuse me. I’ve done my fair share of running and can’t say that I find it enjoyable. Every time I have to go for a run, I try to find a good excuse to get out of it. With all the different options available for cardio, it’s not my top choice. Or even in my top few choices. It hurts my knees.
Running a 5K is hard – that’s why there’s so many couch to 5K training plans out there. Because it isn’t easy. Anything past that is pure torture. Why run 6.2, 10, or 13.1 miles when you could just not? You could just choose to bike, or swim, or stair step, or use an elliptical, or do strength training, or HIIT, or literally ANYTHING else! And those are just the tip of the running iceberg.
I don’t even like driving 26.2 miles as that is just a long ways. So why on Earth would I want to run that distance? Spoiler alert : I do not. For the elite, that takes what, 2 hours? 2 HOURS! OF RUNNING! WITHOUT A BREAK! I couldn’t even tell you the last time I ran for 2 hours in a week, let alone at one time. But that’s the elite – it takes normal people much longer.