I WINE, YOU WINE, WE ALL WINE FOR A REFILL
TL;DR: Who doesn’t love a good glass of wine? Minors, because that’s illegal. For all the adults in the room though, don’t be bashful. Connoisseur, casual drinker, or sorrow drowner – let’s all agree that life is better with more wine.
I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure that wine is what fuels the Earth’s core and keeps us happily rotating around a bright, hot ball people call the Sun. After all, sunlight helps plants grow, such as a vine. Which, last time I checked, looks a lot like a plant. It has a brown stick looking thing and some green leaves. Green leaves that also happen to produce juicy, delicious little orbs in multiple colors. If you carefully handle the vine, retrieve the orbs of goodness, gently place them in a barrel, then smash them all up it gives us the syrup of the sun: wine. Seems to me like a perfect lifecycle. In summary: wine makes the Earth go around the Sun, who in return for our never-ending presence, abundantly continues to produce the ingredients. Science.
The Sun is surprisingly human in this theory. It doesn’t want to be alone. Relatable? Yes. If you thought no, might I recommend making some friends? Nobody wants to be alone. So like a typical human, the Sun buys happiness and friendship with grapes…for wine. In case you forgot what this post was about. Relatable? Meh, I personally am not rich enough to buy my entourage so strangely enough they just like me. The Sun is a big star though so we probably live totally separate lives. It has over a million Twitter followers. Wait, sorry, that’s a London newspaper. The REAL Sun account only casually has like 13.5K, but follows NOBODY. Not sure how the other planets feel about this…seems like we could be nearing a revolt. Where everyone breaks off to find a better leader. One who follows back. Like a real friend. Although we have established the Sun simply buys planets with alcohol so I guess it’s not super genuine.
Coming back in from the black hole I just fell into, wine! If you don’t like wine, first of all you’re a liar. More importantly, now is a good time to start, don’t let the experts scare you off. Second, I don’t trust you. If I can’t drink two entire bottles of wine with you (one for each of us because I have restraint obviously) then how can I tell you any of my secrets. You’ll remember all of them. Mmm, nope sorry that would be two bottles of something either clear or brown.
WHO NEEDS LOVE WHEN THERE’S CHOCOLATE
TL;DR: Virginia is for lovers – so is Valentine’s Day. Personally, not a fan. If you’re single it’s a hard slap in the face, but if you’re in a relationship there’s all the pressure to make a grand gesture. You can’t win, but you can eat all the delicious chocolate treats without judgement so I guess there’s that.
V Day. No, not like that, get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about love, and sex, and magic…ok, so maybe it is like that – Valentine’s Day! The original Hallmark holiday. The only day of the year where you’re publicly allowed to express your love for your partner. Well, maybe not the only day. Obviously you are allowed a bit of PDA on your wedding day, too. Otherwise, though, keep that nonsense locked down. Nobody wants to see that!
Wait, I’m sorry. For some reason I was thinking we were still in the Victorian Era where ankles were risque and it took people all day to get dressed just so they could take it all off and go to bed. Alone. In separate rooms. With no goodnight kiss or hug. No verbal commitment of love. Like Cupid always hoped for.
Nowadays privacy is a term that doesn’t really exist. After sex selfies? Of course your followers want to see that – hi mom! Posts of every time you text each other? I was feeling a bit left out of the relationship so thank you for giving me detailed updates. Overly detailed scenes in all movies PG-13 and up? Kids have to grow up someday, might as well start the conversation early.
I LOVE MY DOG MORE THAN I LOVE YOU
TL;DR: I think honesty is important in any relationship – so I’m always very upfront: I will love my dog more than I will love you. If you can’t handle it, then I can’t handle you, please close the door on your way out.
Dogs are simply the best. That’s it, that’s the whole point, no need to go any further with this post – dogs are awesome and more people should have them. Think about all the adorable, fluffy, happy-to-just-be-alive puppers you’ve ever been graced with meeting and if that doesn’t make you smile then I don’t believe you actually have a soul.
I’m not naive, though, for all the joy that dogs bring to humans there are a few exceptions to enjoying the presence of a dog. If your excuse is not listed here, then I’m sorry but it’s not a valid excuse for not loving dogs:
- Ugly Dogs (we all know which breeds I’m talking about, but in the spirit of inclusion I won’t call any of them out on here)
- Yes, there are ugly dogs. I, a self-proclaimed and always right, dog lover will admit that certain dogs make me cringe a bit and it takes all my will-power to not look away immediately, but to smile and make it feel somewhat loved still
- Mean Dogs
- Maybe you’ve had an unpleasant experience with a mean doggo that scarred you and has left you unable to forgive the entire species. Take a step back for a hot second and realize that no species is perfect and there’s always the idiots who bite people for no reason and make everyone look bad. Don’t judge a book by the ones around it – kick that son of a b*tch (literally, get it) in its snout and move on to find the millions of cuddly, loving dogs out there
- Allergic to Dogs
- This is probably the most valid excuse, but just because you’re allergic to real dogs doesn’t mean you can’t look up amazing, life-changing GIFs of cute puppies from time to time to make you feel complete
WARNING! SCARY COMMERCIAL COMING
TL;DR: How is it that you can’t get into an R rated movie by yourself until you’re 17, but those commercials just play freely on TV without any warning? Those could scar children…or adults who frighten easily.
It’s no secret that I’m not the biggest fan of Halloween – more specifically, I’m not the biggest fan of frightening things. I don’t like to be scared…it’s not my idea of a good time. People who like to be scared confuse me. There are plenty of other ways to have a mini heart attack and induce nightmares for weeks that don’t involve creatures from the deepest, darkest, depths of hell.
I mean, really, where do people even come up with some of these ideas?! Kind of seems like they take something that’s supposed to be calming and happy and they turn it into a devil that terrorizes innocent people because why? Because they can? Where do these people even come from?! What happened in their childhood to make it so that their joy is derived from the terror of others? I honestly don’t even understand how one gets to that state mentally.
My list of questions about who is creating this content, why they think it’s acceptable, the people who pay money to partake in this, etc. are endless. Regardless of my feelings on the matter though, scary movies are wildly popular. All year long. Even during seasons that are supposed to be purely delightful, pleasant, and merry. I won’t even get started on the Christmas horror movies that have appeared recently. No, just no – those need to die.
ALL I WANT IS A REALISTIC SERVING SIZE
TL;DR: Let’s be honest, I’m not here to only eat 2 cookies or 13 potato chips…how many calories are in the WHOLE package/bag?
What even is portion control? Do people actually do that? How does it work – do you longingly stare at what you want and hope that imagining the taste of that delicious treat is just as satisfying? Or do you avoid food altogether and hype yourself up on some sort of liquid diet to “feel full” and “energized”?
I’m all for leading a healthy lifestyle (that’s why I balance my eating with exercise…duh!), but I have zero control. Shoutout to all the people with more willpower than me though. You can portion control for the both of us. Because let’s be honest, if I’m going to treat myself, I’m going to freaking TREAT MA SELF (know what I’m saying?). Family size? More like family of one size. King size? Yes, me being the king of my own castle it is just my size. Great for sharing? Well, that’s just your opinion marketing team – I’ll share with me. Fun size? Get that sh*t out of here, I want a real snack, there’s nothing fun about a tiny sample.
Here’s how I look at it: I’m already blowing my calorie count and destroying my health kick for the day so I might as well go all in. Oh, who am I kidding, this is not an occasional thing. This is a daily occurrence in my life. And also in the lives of people around me, so I think it’s one of those awkward ‘it’s not me, it’s definitely 100% you’ type of situations
HONKING WON’T MAKE TRAFFIC MOVE ANY FASTER
TL;DR: Wow, your horn suddenly activated my gas pedal and made all the cars in front of me disappear! Thank you for finally opening the road so I can move forward! I thought I’d be here forever, but you’ve found the traffic cure.
The car horn can save lives…when used correctly. Unfortunately, like most things with good intentions, it gets abused. Heavily, obnoxiously, unnecessarily abused. Despite popular belief, the sound of a car horn is not pleasant and doesn’t instill feelings of confidence, peace, and joy. No, the car horn usually evokes feelings of panic, fear, and anger. So why do so many drivers think it’s acceptable to play a little horn karaoke during every commute that they take?
This may come as a surprise for our horn-loving friends, but your horn is not all powerful. In fact, it cannot do any of the following:
- Make ALL the cars in front of the one you’re stopped behind move
- Clear up an intersection traffic jam
- Make a lane blocking accident disappear into thin air
- Change a light from red to green
- Make a highway parking lot suddenly move
- Force the pedestrian to walk faster
- Make the muscle movement to take the foot off the brake and put it on the gas any faster than immediate when the light turns green
If any of those surprise you, or if you just disagree, then you are a horn abuser and need to chill. Clearly you are hoping to accomplish one of those things, right? But you can’t. It’s impossible. That’s not how the car horn works! Let me enlighten you on the PROPER ways to use your horn:
LIFE LESSONS FROM GAME OF THRONES
TL;DR: The battle for the Iron Throne was very entertaining to watch. It also brought to light some fascinating life lessons that can help you get whatever it is that you deserve – a one-way ticket to Castle Black, a crown, death…I don’t know what choices you’ve made in life.
If you’ve never seen Game of Thrones, what’s wrong with you? Read this, learn your lessons, then park yourself in front of a television for the next week to catch up, binge-watching style, with the rest of humanity. For all the GOT faithful, I’m about to strike a nerve with a bunch of you, but I actually liked the way that it ended. How else would you have wrapped that up? Kill everyone? I guess then the lone dragon could summon dinosaur friends and kick off history. That would be a fun twist to our species! You could be a Targaryen, or a Stark, or a Lannister, or a Dothraki…probably wouldn’t be an Unsullied though. I’m guessing that part of the peace initiative would have included putting an end to torturing small children so they could be hard-core warriors.
For a few minutes there I was trying to figure out which house I descended from and then I remembered that I definitely made that up. Thank goodness for online quizzes. I’m a Greyjoy so that answers my questions. I always wanted to be a sailor, better put in my two-week notice at work tomorrow, then buy some ships and an isolated island. And probably a suit of armor because my people love to fight.
Anyways, watching the series helped me learn some valuable life lessons that I feel compelled to share…despite my people being on the more selfish side. Look at me breaking molds and forging my own path in life. My mom would be so proud.
YOU CAN LOOK AT THE MENU BEFORE IT’S YOUR TURN TO ORDER, NO ONE IS STOPPING YOU
TL;DR: Menus are printed in huge font for a reason. Don’t be the person that waits to read it until you’re at the front of the line…no one likes that person.
Waiting in line is simply the worst. Sure, you can check email, browse all your social media accounts, play 10 levels on your favorite game, check your bank statement, find potential flights for your upcoming vacation, register for a local event, check current sport scores, send some beautiful selfies of yourself to your friends, make a to-do list, see what the weather will be like this weekend, get directions to the nearest bakery, connect with people you just met in line on LinkedIn, order a car to pick you up after you’re done waiting in line, read some motivational quotes, make your selfies professional looking with photoshop, learn a new language, manage your blog…oh my goodness who even needs computers anymore?!
Let me start over. Waiting in line may be the most productive place on the planet. Productive, or not, though, does anyone really enjoy it? Like to the point where you just hope that you get stuck in a line? If so, kudos to you and your patience. For everyone else (who is normal) it’s still no fun. Especially when you’re waiting for food. Did I stress that enough? When you’re hungry, or hangry, waiting in line is THE WORST!
So if I feel that way, and you feel that way, how then are there people who think it’s acceptable to stand in line and not even look at the menu until it’s their turn to order?! It’s one thing if you walk into a restaurant, and there is no one waiting to order and so you stroll up to the counter and read every item on the menu like you’re going to be tested on it. Totally fine! You’re not impeding anyone from their destiny of fulfillment.
DEAR UBER DRIVERS: LET’S JUST ASSUME I DON’T KNOW HOW TO GET THERE
TL;DR: Maybe I don’t fully understand how Uber works, but if I order a ride, then I also expect you (as the driver) to be fully in charge of getting me to my destination. Don’t ask me how to get there – that’s why I’m paying you.
Ride-sharing programs are wildly popular right now. For good reason though – it eliminates the need for you to drive somewhere. Whatever that reason is to you, worry no more! Some rando is about to come pick you up! Sounds disturbingly similar to the warnings I used to hear as a child about stranger danger, but good for the entrepreneurs who decided to capitalize on the tragedy of others, I suppose.
If you think too much about the concept of Uber, or Lyft, or a taxi (first of all, don’t because it gets weird) you’ll probably freak yourself out and choose to walk everywhere instead. Remember the warning about not taking candy from the person with the creeper van or the story about the “friendly” couple who lost their dog and wants you to help them find it? Same concept, except instead of getting candy, or to play with a cute puppy, you have to pay. Actual money. That you’ve worked (way) too hard to earn because companies today expect the world but opt not to pay for it. Feel me? Dream opportunity: work a minimum of 80 hours a week and we will pay you minimum wage so you never pay off your debt to the government and are forever obligated to continue working…forever. Goodbye fun, goodbye friends, goodbye happiness. Different topic – I digress.
So we’ve gotten past the potential for abduction with these programs and have opted to (*gasp*) pay for it. Kudos, though, to all those companies for taking the security of passengers and drivers seriously and continuously making adjustments so you can feel safe (not trying to get sued here because that sounds hella expensive). Now, there are multiple reasons why one would need / want to be chauffeured around:
NOT FEELING WELL? TAKE THIS MEDICINE, SIDE EFFECTS: DEATH
TL;DR: Isn’t it great when you aren’t feeling well and the recommended medicine could make you feel so much better? Or, it could kill you – who’s to say, really?
Pharmaceuticals. What a weird word. Why is it so gigantic? Is that necessary? No, I’ll go ahead and answer that. Drug is easier to say. It’s also a much more versatile word – it can be interpreted to suit each person’s unique tastes. Pharmaceutical is just so…one-sided? Stuck up? My way or the highway? Yes, yes, and yes. There’s only one thing that is referring to. Disgusting “grape” flavored cough syrup or a horse pill falsely labeled as a “softgel”. One only gets a pharmaceutical when it’s the last resort. A drug…well, I will not go further into this metaphor. Use your imagination.
I think that maybe drug companies, excuse me, pharmaceutical companies, get paid for each letter that goes into their documentation. How else do you explain the extremely complicated names for the medicines that exist on the market today? Honestly, who is in charge of this? Is it the scientists? Scientists are an entirely different breed of humans, excuse me, homo sapiens.
For anyone who has ever looked at the label on their pharmaceutical, you understand where I’m coming from. Ibuprofen is actually (RS)-2-(4-(2-methylpropyl)phenyl)propanoic acid…what in the actual effing hell is that?! Tylenol / Advil – oh, you know, if they’re feeling casual it’s Acetaminophen, but when it’s a black tie event they’re all N-(4-hydroxyphenyl)ethanamide. I literally cannot with this, but it’s kind of fun so here’s the real identity of some of our favorite drugs:
I’M NOT A HOARDER, I’M SENTIMENTAL
TL;DR: I don’t have trouble throwing things away – I just prefer to shove them in the closet or under the bed and keep them forever. I’m sure you can relate.
You know how the saying goes: the more space you have, the more space you’ll fill up. I think that’s how it goes…but now that I’m thinking about it there’s a good chance I made it up. The concept is what’s really important here though – that being that you will “grow” into whatever extra space you have. Why is that? Seems like a very first-world problem where we have this need to fill the emptiness in our lives with something.
That just got way, way, way too deep for this blog so I’m going to take a massive step back into borderline nonsense territory before I scare some readers away. Anyways, back in the comfort of the half-joking, half-serious, and fully sarcastic world that I live in, I have noticed that I do tend to fill every last inch of space that is in the place where I’m living, or working, or eating lunch, or being chauffeured around in, or anywhere really that I ever am (regardless of whether or not I own said space).
Extra shelf in the linen closet? Seems like the perfect place to store all the exercise equipment I’m not using. Extra drawer in the kitchen? Obviously I should put whiteboard markers in there just in case I ever buy a whiteboard for my fridge. Extra space on my desk? Seems like a good day to take an “extended lunch break” and see what goodies lie in the Amazon universe of office accessories. Extra seat next to me in the Uber? Clearly meant to put my backpack, coat, water bottle, keys, cell phone, lunchbox, and camera on (because putting them in the backpack would be ridiculous).
I FREQUENTLY COMPLETE MARATHONS…BINGE WATCHING MARATHONS
TL;DR: ‘Marathons take a lot of dedicated training and persistent effort to complete’ – long distance runners of the world. Agreed.
Marathon runners confuse me. Actually, runners in general confuse me. I’ve done my fair share of running and can’t say that I find it enjoyable. Every time I have to go for a run, I try to find a good excuse to get out of it. With all the different options available for cardio, it’s not my top choice. Or even in my top few choices. It hurts my knees.
Running a 5K is hard – that’s why there’s so many couch to 5K training plans out there. Because it isn’t easy. Anything past that is pure torture. Why run 6.2, 10, or 13.1 miles when you could just not? You could just choose to bike, or swim, or stair step, or use an elliptical, or do strength training, or HIIT, or literally ANYTHING else! And those are just the tip of the running iceberg.
I don’t even like driving 26.2 miles as that is just a long ways. So why on Earth would I want to run that distance? Spoiler alert : I do not. For the elite, that takes what, 2 hours? 2 HOURS! OF RUNNING! WITHOUT A BREAK! I couldn’t even tell you the last time I ran for 2 hours in a week, let alone at one time. But that’s the elite – it takes normal people much longer.