HINDSIGHT MAKES 90’s TOYS CREEPY
We all remember the 90s. Probably for different reasons, but we still remember the 90s. For example, I remember being put in timeout in daycare. It was traumatizing, which is why all these years later it lives vividly in my mind and I feel a need to share the audacity with the Internet. What even is the purpose of isolation for children under the age of 3? They have to learn social behaviors and how to follow the rules. Not sure what sitting alone at the window watching all the other kids play on the playground taught me, other than resentment. Sure, the teacher told us to be quiet while she went to get craft supplies from the closet, but I, even at the tender age of 3, was a budding social butterfly. Also, again, what? You’re gone for a minute and we have to be quiet? That is prime make friends time – quick, and with a hard stop in case things don’t go so well.
Ok, enough about my terrible experience at daycare. That pretty much sums up the 90s, though, right? Irony. In my case, getting punished for being a child. In a general population sense, creating the World Wide Web then being afraid it was going to end all of humanity on midnight of 01/01/00. Maybe that’s why the “popular” toys were all … what’s the right word … creepy. As we do on TRP, let’s overanalyze the heck out of this.
- Troll Dolls
- Ah, the troll doll. Hard to play with, but hard to forget since they’ve been reincarnated in animated form for the youth of today
- Nothing says responsibility like managing to keep a digital pet alive. Alternatively, nothing says trust me like managing to kill a digital pet
- AKA Lucifer in toy form. If you haven’t had a Furby randomly come to life in the middle of night and give you a heart attack, are you even human?
- Hit Clips
- Why millennials are bad at commitment – 30 seconds and thank you, next. Besides, who didn’t want to pay for the free iTunes preview of a song? Only suckers would pass up that deal
- Polly Pocket / American Girl Doll
- One you carry around in your pocket, like a hostage. The other you dress up to look exactly like you. And they wonder why we’re obsessed with followers today
- Mr. Potato Head
- What really can you say about this toy. The whole point is to mutilate the face of a potato. A potato? Of all possible things. The starchiest vegetable that sprouts it’s own growth if left alone long enough
- Bop It! / Simon Says
- Well, at the very least you learned how to listen. You also learned who was a follower and who wanted to blaze their own path in life
- Easy Bake Oven
- LOL if this wasn’t a read between the lines toy I’m honestly not sure what is! Oh, drugs are a problem in our generation? I wonder where those thoughts originated from
- Tickle Me Elmo
- Elmo is my favorite Sesame Street character, but this toy makes me scratch my head. Or rather my belly. What’s more fun than tickling a stuffed toy’s stomach? Literally everything
Luckily, those were so last century. Some have, mysteriously, outlasted both Y2K and the 2012 saga to still be present on shelves today. With a modern twist, of course. For example, Bop It! Now comes in Olaf edition which laughs when you poke it … similar to … yes! Tickle Me Elmo! Who is approving these? Have we not spent the past 20 ish years innovating every other industry? What’s up with the toys on the shelf today? They seem to be regressing. Pack the Alpaca? Hatchimals? Dope or Nope? What a time to be alive.
Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this and want to share it with them, that would seriously mean a lot to me. I’m so grateful to all the current readers and subscribers. If you want to get these in your inbox twice weekly don’t forget to subscribe. Thanks for reading!
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