EXTREME QUARANTINE: GLASS HALF FULL OF EMERGEN-C AND A SUNNY ATTITUDE

Life is uncertain right now. Probably the most uncertain it’s been in a very long time. How long is this going to last? How long will I not be able to leave my home? How long until I can travel again? Go to work again? Take the daily my-life-is-better-than-yours selfie again? Sit down in a restaurant again? Go to the gym again? Well…that is not a corona issue. More of a life choices issue.

Point being that no one really knows. We can guess. Guessing is great on tests, but not so great on life-threatening diseases. In no way am I trying to belittle what’s going on. It’s very serious and I do think that it’s important everyone come together and do their part to help knock this out and move on. I’m merely here to give you great suggestions on how to fill this blessing of free time that has been given to you by nature. Some people don’t like free time – if you feel blessing is not the correct noun here, then you would fall into this category. 

Personally, I’m not a huge fan, but it would be a shame to spend the next month (hopefully that’s it?) in fear and complaining about not being able to get away from your family / roommates / evil cat / etc. That is a recipe for broken relationships. So, to avoid the “I used to know that person, but now they’re dead to me” feeling, you have to be prepared. Specifically you need enough activities to keep everyone happily occupied for the duration of the quarantine period.

Get All of the Streaming Services

One is not enough. Two is not enough. Three is probably not enough. Give yourself plenty of options because everyone has different content. You can only watch so much Baby Yoda before you need some disturbing Locke & Key up in your life. Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, Disney +, HBO GO, ESPN +, etc. This is not the place to decide that your monthly spending needs a makeover. This also isn’t specific to the Corona quarantine…it’s just helpful to have for all those lazy weekends and “sick” days.

Deep Clean Your Home

LOL, I could barely write that without laughing – do something that makes you happy! If that happens to be cleaning, well how much do you charge because I, for one, do NOT like to spend my time cleaning.

Have Plenty of Food

Specifically limes, because limes make Corona better. When you start feeling that cough come on, grab your bottle of tequila, cut up a lime, and find some salt. You’ll be good as new in no time. Even if physically you’re not, mentally you’ll be feeling great. Stock your pantry with non-perishables and your freezer with everything that can be frozen (which is a surprising amount of things). Milk and fresh veggies will be great for a few days, but 30+ days is a long time so buy things that last…like chocolate.

Download Every Single Delivery App

You may not be able to leave your place of residence, but that doesn’t mean you can’t open your door. Besides, the apps are free to download so why not have UberEats, Grubhub, Postmates, Amazon, DoorDash, and any others you like ready in case of emergency. Someone will be delivering for when you inevitably run out of food (because, honestly, who knows how to grocery shop for a multi-week supply?!).

Loungewear FTW

If you’re not going anywhere, you don’t have anyone to impress. So get those sweats, hoodies, and any other oversized clothing you have washed up and ready to go. Comfort is the key to survival.

Find a New Hobby

There’s no better time to finally learn guitar, or to become a foodie, or a TikTok star, or a professional Fortnite player, etc. then when you literally can’t leave your home. Plus, there are no haters to crush your spirit. Unless you tell people, in which case, proceed at your own risk.

Order Your Summer Suit

The weather is usually on some wacky cycle, but this year is taking the cake. It’s only the beginning of March, but it’s basically summer – at least in the South. With summer comes bikini season and it’s never too early to start on the base tan. Order your summer suit so you can lounge on the porch / patio / balcony / deck … whatever you have to soak up all the rays that will be on display the next few weeks. On second thought, no one is outside anyways, underwear will work just fine. It’s also a great way to avoid people that are getting on your nerves and to remember what the freedom of the outdoors feels like.

Live Stream for Social Closeness

Obviously, our lives are the epitome of fascinating right now. So it’s only proper to share every single thing you are doing with your family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, follow back peeps, etc. through a live stream. Stream yourself cooking, eating, playing with the dog, getting married, having a party (by yourself because the six foot rule is very real), doing karaoke, working out – literally anything! Well, except for tanning because that might be NSFW. Options are endless.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who has been affected by the coronavirus, send them your love and hope for a full recovery. For everyone else, be prepared like a Boy Scout about to go on a camping trip … but an indefinite one. Thanks for reading!


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I WINE, YOU WINE, WE ALL WINE FOR A REFILL

I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure that wine is what fuels the Earth’s core and keeps us happily rotating around a bright, hot ball people call the Sun. After all, sunlight helps plants grow, such as a vine. Which, last time I checked, looks a lot like a plant. It has a brown stick looking thing and some green leaves. Green leaves that also happen to produce juicy, delicious little orbs in multiple colors. If you carefully handle the vine, retrieve the orbs of goodness, gently place them in a barrel, then smash them all up it gives us the syrup of the sun: wine. Seems to me like a perfect lifecycle. In summary: wine makes the Earth go around the Sun, who in return for our never-ending presence, abundantly continues to produce the ingredients. Science.

The Sun is surprisingly human in this theory. It doesn’t want to be alone. Relatable? Yes. If you thought no, might I recommend making some friends? Nobody wants to be alone. So like a typical human, the Sun buys happiness and friendship with grapes…for wine. In case you forgot what this post was about. Relatable? Meh, I personally am not rich enough to buy my entourage so strangely enough they just like me. The Sun is a big star though so we probably live totally separate lives. It has over a million Twitter followers. Wait, sorry, that’s a London newspaper. The REAL Sun account only casually has like 13.5K, but follows NOBODY. Not sure how the other planets feel about this…seems like we could be nearing a revolt. Where everyone breaks off to find a better leader. One who follows back. Like a real friend. Although we have established the Sun simply buys planets with alcohol so I guess it’s not super genuine.

Coming back in from the black hole I just fell into, wine! If you don’t like wine, first of all you’re a liar. More importantly, now is a good time to start, don’t let the experts scare you off. Second, I don’t trust you. If I can’t drink two entire bottles of wine with you (one for each of us because I have restraint obviously) then how can I tell you any of my secrets. You’ll remember all of them. Mmm, nope sorry that would be two bottles of something either clear or brown. 

With wine, everything just sounds less serious and adult-y. Plus, wine comes in fun, approachable, warm colors: red, pink, and white. The colors of love. I mean, what else do you want?! You can literally drink love. Feeling stressed? Drink some love and feel better. Going through a bad breakup? Get some love in you. Lost your job? Pour a little love on those tears. I’m calling BS on anyone who doesn’t want more love in their life. So, in other words, everyone is a wine drinker. Even if you’re a closeted wine drinker. When you’re ready to admit that to the world, we will welcome you with open arms and a bottle of wine. 

Now, I will be the first to admit that I am no wine connoisseur. I could not tell you how old it is, where it came from, what the flavor palette consists of, which foods go best with it, etc. Mostly because I don’t care. I have simple criteria:

  1. Is there alcohol in it?
  2. Do I like the way it tastes?
  3. Can I find it on the bottom few shelves at the grocery store?

Apparently there are five steps to drinking wine (five!) and only one actually involves the drinking portion (or, the important part). If you are a well-seasoned wine drinker, then you can skip over this section. For all the blooming grape leaves, here are the recommended steps to enjoying your glass:

  1. See
  2. Swirl
  3. Sniff
  4. Sip
  5. Savor

That seems like four unnecessary actions here. Can I taste the hint of oak in there? No, because, believe it or not, I don’t go around tasting different types of tree bark. Sorry, not sorry that I prefer human food. There’s actually a term for this: barkstripper. I have to be honest, that does NOT sound like an innocent animal that gets its nutritional needs from a tree trunk. If you’re curious, there are seven types of barkstrippers:

  • Tree squirrels – makes sense
  • Beavers – also makes sense
  • Black bears – now I’m lost, just eat the honey
  • Field mice – are they strong enough to strip the bark?
  • Mountain beavers – this is oddly specific
  • Porcupines – I didn’t really think of these are needing to eat, more of just predators, but maybe that’s what the spikes are made of
  • Rabbits – I thought they ate vegetables…

I’m so curious now about what exactly the barkstrippers gain from eating wood. Is it an essential vitamin or mineral? Surely it’s not fat, carbs, or protein? Do they prefer certain tree types over others? Are certain trees the “upscale” bark and do those come at a higher price? Just why? There seems to be a lot of other options available.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know a wine drinker, pass this along so they can appreciate all the wine love. If you know someone who doesn’t (publicly) drink wine, share this so they can stop being ashamed. Thanks for reading!


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