PARKING GARAGE COURTESY

Parking garages are … an invention. Logically, I understand their purpose in cities where space is more coveted than followers. Let’s be honest, they are space savers. You can fit more cars in the same amount of land if you build vertically than you can on a ground level only surface. That’s just common sense. Taller equals more capacity. This is true for houses, ice cream cones, beer glasses, mohawks, the new Starbucks shipping freight container looking stores, anything really. Build up – it’s the future. They say shoot for the stars, so why not start closer to them?

Aside from the logical purpose of these structures, they suck. Basically the seventh level of Dante’s inferno. Never in my life have I been excited about the chance, or the requirement, to park in a garage. Where to even begin? The beautiful concrete architecture? Sure, because apparently we are still in the brutalist movement. They’re all giant striped rectangles made out of the world’s most bland material. Concrete. I’m sure there’s some structural reasoning behind that, but aesthetically? Bleh. You can never miss a parking garage, that’s for sure.

I’m going to give the architects the benefit of the doubt with the material they are limited with. Let’s move on to the next awful thing about the invention of the parking garage. Attendant booths. In other words, a way to charge you for parking. Why? Because how else would we pay for the cost to build the beautiful monstrosity? Does anyone look forward to paying for parking? I mean, you’re paying to leave your car somewhere. Somewhere that is not even responsible for what happens to your vehicle while you’re not in it. What kind of scheme is this?

Design and money are one thing. My main problem with parking garages, though, is how people choose to drive in them. Before driving up that ramp, I would like to know who keeps approving garages that are wide enough for anywhere between 1.25 – 1.5 cars in any given driveable path. If you are building a two way garage, why on Earth would you not make it wide enough for 2 entire vehicles? How is that helpful to anybody? Vehicles do not do well in confined spaces. They are not ninjas. They do not pivot well. They do not recover if bumped into. What is this madness? 

On that note, all garages with blind corners need mirrors. Not mirrors the size of a smartphone, either. Giant, clear, well placed mirrors so you can see oncoming vehicles that will not fit in the space designed for less than 2 cars. Otherwise, it’s just a hope and a prayer. Might as well close our eyes and have Jesus take the wheel all the way up. Up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up and up until eventually you find a spot in the one area that makes the potential benefit of using a garage disappear. Covered parking would be the one plus. Because, you know, birds have to poop too. But at the top, welp, so sorry you spent money to park in the elements.

I would also like to know why people think it’s ok to drive at city speeds through a garage where there are corners involved and not enough space. Where are you trying to go? There is one way up and one way down. Slow down. Think about your actions. Are you trying to steal the closest space? From who? While you’re at it, stop driving in the middle of the lane! It’s meant for two cars. You are not special. You do not get extra space. Be courteous. STAY IN YOUR LANE. And don’t give me a dirty look when you whip around a corner on my side of the garage and almost hit me. I’m following the rules and you, well nobody knows what you’re doing. Back your driver’s license all the way back to the DMV so you can get a lesson in two way traffic.

So, we’ve trusted our cars to the concrete jungle, spent way too much money to leave it there, successfully navigated the blind corners, dealt with all the questionably licensed drivers, and found a spot. Now, getting out on foot. Why is this always the most complicated thing in the world. Where are all the exits? Why are they so hard to find? Let me be free. But, first, better remember some combination of letters, numbers, colors, and / or symbols or you’ll never see your car again.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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