DATING APPS ARE OUT OF CONTROL

Why is love so hard? Well, it doesn’t have to be! We all have a set of standards and expectations that are used to filter out potential partners. Good familial relationships, excellent cook, no aspirations of a dad bod, compassionate, 6’2”, has a job, gives strong preferential treatment to dogs over all other pets, has friends, etc. You know what yours are. In my experience this list of requirements varies greatly between each of us. The majority of the list makes sense since they are values that are important to you. Or at least help aid your agenda of producing the next Stephen Curry. 

But if you’re honest with yourself for a split second, there is probably at least one item on there that is more of a suggestion. It would be great if they didn’t judge my afterwork habits. It would be great if they showed up at my door just to drop off a package of Chewy Chips-Ahoy cookies when I have a bad day … and then of course leave me alone with my cookies and feelings. It would be great if they drove a sports car, or at least had an interest in owning one someday. Blah, blah, blah. These aren’t so much dealbreakers as dealmakers. When you’re trying to decide between several potential candidates and it comes down to the little details. 

Thankfully, several different companies have popped up to target all of your oddly specific criteria for a partner. In my opinion, some of them make sense since they still allow for a broad enough range of options outside of the main focus. A lot of them, however, simply saw the line (the ‘you’re taking it too far’ line) and flew right by it without even blinking. For those of you not overly familiar with the online dating options, or for those that like to play it safe with the most popular options, let’s look at what all is available to you (according to Google – and GOOGLE KNOWS ALL) ranked from most sensible to ‘wut?’:

  • Christian Mingle
    • If Jesus isn’t giving you what you need romantically, at least the Internet will
  • Farmers Only
    • Plow the fields can be taken in several different directions, so at least there’s lots of good pick-up lines here
  • Elite Singles
    • For all the wealthy people who somehow have trouble finding all the gold diggers of the world
  • Uniform Dating
    • While a lot of people look sharp in a uniform, seems like a shaky thing to base a relationship on
  • 420 Singles
    • I’m sure there are more than 420 people using this platform
  • Miss Travel
    • Their business model (summarized): beautiful women seek rich men to travel the world with on “dates”
  • Gluten Free Singles
    • Finally, a platform where not eating gluten spares you from all judgement
  • The Ugly Bug Ball
    • Don’t feel pretty enough for mainstream dating apps? Welcome to the Ugly Bug Ball
  • Sea Captain Date
    • Oddly specific, but seems to be a wavy twist on the Uniform Dating platform
  • Date a Golfer
    • Most golfers I know are taken … because they golf … which is awesome … but also, just put that you play golf on your profile. This feels like we’re beating the horse to death with a club
  • Herpes Fish
    • It’s illegal to not disclose that you have Herpes to a sexual partner. Here’s the loophole
  • Mullet Passions
    • Mullets are not for me, but they are for some. For the passionate, this is for you
  • Clown Dating
    • Surely this is a thing of nightmares, I do not understand this at all
  • Vampire Passions
    • Well, vampires aren’t real so this may be some funky cosplay alternative
  • Amish Dating
    • I don’t even know where to start on this one. Amish people don’t use technology. Ergo, Amish people don’t use the Internet. Ergo, how would an Amish person get registered on this site? And how would they even know it existed. How does this even work?!

Wow, I mean, what a time to be single! As you can see, it takes a turn into weirdville quite quickly. I’m curious as to how all of these sites are able to maintain any sort of feasible user base. Outside of about the top three, or four. Seems to me like most of these things are easily handled via a good profile on a more well-rounded platform. But, then again, I don’t really know. These are just observations based on site name and their splash pages. Regardless, I had a super fun time diving down this Internet rabbit hole and will unashamedly take all of my new browsing ads to date a clown, to embrace the Herpes, and to settle down without any of the technical advancements I’ve had the pleasure of enjoying up until now.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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WHAT DO COVID AND VOLDEMORT HAVE IN COMMON?

Unless you’ve been living underground for the past six-ish months, more than likely you’re aware about the pandemic happening throughout the world. COVID-19. Coronavirus, if it’s feeling fancy. There’s a lot to be said about how our lives are being changed daily in response to the incredibly rapid spread of the ‘Rona, but I’m not super interested in the facts or political aspect of it at the moment. Like most people, it’s been on my mind a lot. Unlike most people, I’ve been trying to find how it’s different from Voldemort and have been wildly unsuccessful.

When you really put some thought into it, I think that you too will be left unconvinced that this is not the magical moment Harry Potter fans have been waiting for since 1997. Magic in the muggle world. And with that, the possibility that you, or me, are secretly wizards about to receive our Hogwarts summoning. Some of you may already own wands, robes, and house colors. Like any good wizard trapped in a muggle body, though, you are well aware that your love for a certain color combination gives you zero preference with the sorting hat. I would venture that some of you need to brace yourselves for that reality.

How to become a wizard is a fun discussion topic and one that I, obviously, have a lot of thoughts and questions on. But, unfortunately, today is not the day to jump on that train. No, we are here to examine cold hard facts that our suffering is being caused by You-Know-Who. Is it really so hard to believe that this would be his next choice of form? What is dead may never die (thank you GAME OF THRONES for teaching us that lesson) and clearly his soul has been dead for a long, long, long time. Besides, of all ways to finally kill Harry Potter, this seems like the most unsuspecting and overall destructive. 

Ok! Enough with the build-up – what do COVID and Voldemort have in common? Aliases, choice in profession, hobbies, relationship status, adaptability, reputation, and personality. As we do here at TRP, let’s break those down for clarity:

Aliases

This feels like a good starting point, because it’s obvious. Voldemort and COVID are nicknames. Tom Marvolo Riddle and Coronavirus are their given names. He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and ‘Rona are how they’re mostly known by those with no personal connection. And of course, one is You-Know-Who while the other is You-Know-What.

Choice in Profession

Voldemort’s profession is hunting Harry Potter and anyone who stands in his way. COVID’s profession is also hunting Harry Potter and anyone who stands in its way. In other words, what they do does not come from a college degree. It comes from having no soul or empathy.

Hobbies

Master death and become immortal. One of the two has successfully achieved this and it isn’t a supposedly fictional character. Coincidence? No, I think it was just a matter of time before the Dark Arts progressed enough to get on this level. Thus, we have Tommy Boy in tiny virus form everywhere.

Relationship Status

If hearing that everyone’s favorite noseless monster is single surprises you, I’m deeply concerned about your ability to read other people. I would venture to say that Corona is also not the romantic type and tends to fly solo, stealing love from others.

Adaptability

Voldemort has taken on many forms so who are we to deny the most current one being a deadly, highly contagious, virus. COVID has been disturbingly adaptable to all methods of prevention and treatment. Only a monster would keep switching things up to avoid being put down. And we all know that Voldemort is a monster.

Reputation

For the wizarding world, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is infamous and known by everyone, but not in a popular way. More of a fear-instilling, stay far, far away, type. For the muggle world, we all know that not even limes can make Corona better and are not thrilled about its persistence.

Personality

Tom clearly suffers from a lack of a soul, or I guess, technically, a damaged soul. I believe that COVID has no soul. Which, clearly means that Tom has finally split his soul so many times seeking immortality that it has been destroyed. Also, from a visual standpoint, a very closeup image of a ‘Rona virus has the same “skin” color as Voldemort and red “eyes”, like Voldemort. Plus interacting with either one of them is basically a death sentence so all the signs match up.

If you’re still on the fence, you must not know who Voldemort is. This connection is so obvious. Or … oh my. I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you’re a muggle. That is the only logical explanation. Us wizards are able to see what’s happening because we have the gift of sensing when evil is around us. Don’t worry, though, sometimes ignorance is bliss. Just watch out for the death eaters: coughing, shortness of breath, and fever. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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