The only thing crunchy cookies are good for is throwing at the squirrels trying to steal food from the birds. If it isn’t borderline cookie dough coming out of the oven, I’m not interested.
Read More...Can you think of a better pairing than graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows? Cinnamon graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows? Chocolate graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows?! Wow, I just about up and went for an overnight trip to the woods. S’mores are really the highlight of any camping trip. The most exciting part about them is that the camping part of the equation is 100% optional. So, in other words, s’mores are the highlight of being outdoors.
Hold on, back up a quick second. S’mores, for sure, are the highlight for outdoor adventures. But thanks to, I’m not actually sure who … the Internet, food bloggers, food companies, millennials, Mother Nature, electric companies? Anyways, at some point, the brilliant idea was formed and distributed widely to the general population of the world that s’mores could be an indoor activity. Mind freaking blown. No need to expose yourself to the creatures that will wander over to try and nab the delicious-looking, perfectly burned, marshmallows.
Oh, and the smoke. Listen, I love a good bonfire, but I hate the bonfire smoke and will actively move continuously around the circle to avoid it. There is nothing worse than going outside to enjoy a nice, contained and non destructive, fire only to return to the house smelling like a tobacco factory. Hard pass. That smell is something awful and is like a leech on your clothing. Even the Snuggle bear struggles to get it fully out the first time through the wash. Then you start to get weird looks and questions from people close to you – are you doing alright? Are you managing your stress in healthy ways? Are you having a MID-LIFE CRISIS? Yadda yadda yadda.
What a fun tangent we just journeyed on together! In short, I will risk smelling like a smoker if it means I can eat a s’more. However, that is not necessarily a required evil of the process anymore. Because we’re a progressive species and have things like ovens, and toaster ovens, and microwaves now. Which all happen to live where? In the doors! And require what? Zero fire! I would like to take this moment to point out that graham cracker packaging has not kept up with the innovative times in the food industry. What is happening with the packaging? How is it still awkwardly 9 (nine?!) crackers to one non-resealable pack? Who is using 9 graham crackers at once? Why is 27 an appropriate number of graham crackers? Is that 3 per person or is someone not getting a second. I’m so concerned.
Unlike the graham cracker manufacturers, Hershey’s has decided to keep up with Jones’ so to speak. Their chocolate bar packaging now conveniently has directions for making s’mores using one of the predetermined four cooking options. How cute! Like we don’t know how to make a s’more. I mean, come on, are we sea creatures? Even the cavemen had fire – shoot, they probably invented the s’more! There is not a simpler food to make, other than maybe milk and cereal. Cracker, chocolate, marshmallow, then another cracker.
S’mores have but one instruction. Make sure the marshmallow is warm. And, if we’re being honest with ourselves, that is a suggestion. You could eat a cold s’more. It’s an ice cream flavor so it’s clearly been done before! How warm your marshmallow should be is a hot debate in the camping dessert world. I like my marshmallow to be completely burnt, other people like a light toasting, others like a pure white, massively expanded one from the microwave. No judgement, you do you. Burn that ‘mallow, melt that chocolate, and fill your insides literally glow with excitement over what is happening on your tastebuds.
If s’mores aren’t your thing, clearly you need better Google searches. Because the days of the OG chocolate and marshmallow are over. They ended the minute people started becoming millionaires as food bloggers. Anything that has any of the three iconic ingredients and can be eaten as a handheld option, can classify as a “s’more”. Why stop there, though?! Any dish can be s’more flavored now because that’s the beauty of modern day cooking. S’mores dip! S’mores cereal! S’mores lasagna! Go freaking nuts! Add peanut butter! Add caramel! Add bacon … idk whatever will make you smile.
Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!
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Candy is delicious and there is always a time for candy. Not all the time, but in certain moments you crave a sweet treat not involving chocolate. Which, for the record, is the real winner 99.99% of the time. But occasionally you get a craving for something more fruity and artificial by nature. Something colorful and fun. Something not in the shape of a demonic child, though – seriously what is with SOUR candy? I have never been a fan. When I want dessert, I don’t want to feel like I’m scrapping my tastebuds off one by one before I can finally get some teeth sticking gummy texture happening.
Same with hard candy … again, what? If I wanted to break a tooth I’d use my mouth as a bottle opener for the best, and most convenient, party trick around. I wouldn’t do it for a peppermint. There isn’t enough mint flavor packed into those to cover up the amount of physical and emotional pain they bring. I guess hard candy is better suited for people with patience. Similar to cooking. Why spend an hour cooking when Stouffer’s has frozen options that are easier? Why take hard vitamins when they make delicious, gummy alternatives? Why eat hard candy when you could not?
Thoughts on what does, and doesn’t, constitute real candy aside, there seems to be some candies that have stood the test of generations. One of those being the infamous licorice. It’s been around for literal centuries. And was apparently used originally to brew beer so if you weren’t on this bandwagon before, what excuse do you have now? It’s part alcoholic … well, not actually, but you can convince yourself of anything if you want to. In all seriousness, I would try a beer that had been flavored with licorice. Especially if it was cherry flavored because that is clearly the superior option.
I guess it isn’t fair of me to assume that everyone likes fake cherry flavoring. I’ll happily admit that outside of food, I too think it’s awful. Basically anything they make into liquid medicine is awful. Anywho … let’s get our opinions tangled up and rank Twizzler flavors! According to me. The Restless Professional. You may feel differently and I guess that’s fine. You do you. I’m doing me. Hershey now proudly makes 18 varieties of flavors and shapes since the OG strawberry twist wasn’t good enough, I guess. Here they are, brutally judged from best to why:
While I don’t feel a need to explain myself, even I was a little shocked at where I placed some of these. Cherry, no surprises there dominates the first third of the list. It’s just freaking great! The cherry twists do lack some of the same flavor as the nibs, but still a solid choice overall. Orange Cream Pop and Strawberry Smoothie filled twists were surprisingly spot on taste wise and I’m a huge fan. You can’t go wrong with original strawberry or a fruity watermelon string-cheese like fun adventure.
Rounding out the back two-thirds of the list we start to get into the more questionable variety adventures. For example, why untwist the strawberry? The flavor was still there, but the fun was not. Rainbow twists, a lot like their Froot Loops and M&Ms counterparts all taste the same, but the vibrant colors are exciting at least. Mystery is … mystery. Hit or miss and why take the chance when so many other great options exist? Zero sugar, need I say more? Just don’t eat sweets then. We’ve previously established my dislike of sweet and sour “candies” so hard pass on those from me. The chocolate ones were by far the most disappointing since it’s chocolate … from Hershey … and a Twizzler … but alas, no. And then, of course, I have yet to meet someone who actually enjoys black licorice. At least the nibs are a smaller dose of what I’m assuming is minty molasses flavor than the twists.
Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!
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Everyone has that one food that they can’t resist under any circumstances. You could be coming straight off a Thanksgiving dinner for the ages, but if someone asks if you want to eat blank you’ll be like yep, let’s do it! Because it’s the one item where you have no control and don’t even pretend to. Your go-to cheat day meal. Your motivation while working out. The subject of your deepest, darkest food fantasies. Your food bae, essentially.
You know what I’m talking about. You can pretend like you don’t, and that’s a lie that you’ll tell yourself. For some people it’s something salty. For other people it’s something sweet. For yet others out there it’s a straight up entree. Probably a very specific entree from a specific restaurant and the same order anywhere else simply won’t do. For the rest of the population that doesn’t fall into one of the above categories, it’s either a drink or something healthy. Both are questionable options for a fantasy food, but you do you.
For me, that food is Chewy Chips Ahoy cookies. Not Chips Ahoy, those are only ok and I think one of these days I will go deeper into the correct way to make a cookie, which, of course, is chewy, but today is simply not that day. Chewy. Chips. Ahoy. What?! Yes, I’m talking about the ultimate store bought cookie. The absolute God of drunk party food options. The all day, everyday, ultimate dessert option. I love these cookies so much that their serving size and the amount that I can fit in my mouth at one time are equal. It’s the one food that I don’t even think about calories with. Because everyone knows that when you’re in love, calories don’t count anyways.
I bet a good majority of you are wondering, why? I talk a lot about Chipotle, and Oreos, and food in general, so why an overly processed, half baked, commercialized cookie? Well, it’s not a totally invalid question. But that judgement, though! This is a safe space! This is the one food I can’t resist, it doesn’t have to be yours. Especially if I have had any sort of alcohol. Doesn’t even have to be a lot of alcohol. I could have sniffed a bottle and I would be immediately in the mood for the cookie crack that is Chewy Chips Ahoy.
Walk with me, for a second, into imagination island where we will encounter the beautiful world of cookies. I think most people enjoy cookies in some shape, form, flavor, size, baked level, etc. I’m going to say something very controversial, but, I personally prefer cookie dough to baked cookies. It’s clearly superior. It tastes like how I imagine the clouds in heaven would taste if I were up there and could eat them. It’s sweet. It’s soft. It’s chewy. It’s slightly tangy. It could be chunky, if you added stuff to your cookies. It’s an explosion of goodness in your mouth.
Unfortunately, raw eggs are not in style at the moment. Salmonella was a thing, and now we have PTSD and remain skeptical of what our chickens have been doing prior to us cracking their unborn children. All the best parenting and lifestyle blogs are anti-cookie dough with dairy in it at the moment. Which is understandable, I can’t deny that. It does make your standard chocolate chip cookie dough unsafe to bring as a snack anywhere. You can eat it in your kitchen and only in your kitchen unless you want Internet trolls to shame you.
Enter Nabisco. Who, like geniuses, thought about baking this cookie dough just enough to kill the salmonella evil spirits. Half baked cookies. Mind absolutely freaking blown. Now you can enjoy the cookie dough texture without any fear of dying. Win. Win. To the max. What more could you want from a cookie? It’s clearly superior. It tastes like how I imagine the clouds in heaven would taste if I were up there and could eat them. It’s sweet. It’s soft. It’s chewy. It’s slightly tangy. It’s mildly chunky. It’s an explosion of goodness in your mouth.
Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!
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The Restless Professional 