YOU’RE A MEAN ONE MR. GRINCH

But your dog is adorable and it’s a miracle he hasn’t left you for a more loving family. Good thing the Whos are unable to decipher sarcastic comments or your heart may never have grown.

IF MY DOG HAD AN INSTAGRAM

You ever think about what it would be like if our animals had access to some of the same things we do in life? Like social media apps? Specifically the digital scrapbook, Instagram? No? Lucky for you, I do!

STRESS IS OVERRATED

They say stress can kill you. So just don’t be stressed. Yeet that kind of mental energy right back to where it belongs. With the cats.

LIFE LESSONS FROM OWNING A PET

It’s Tuesday. Which means that yesterday was Monday. And Mondays are, well, the worst of the weekdays. 7 out of 7 as you are well aware – straight from the official weekday RANKINGS. Having survived another grueling start of the workweek and making the long, exhausting commute from the bedroom to the home office, while somehow managing to get a shirt on and your hair brushed, we all know what makes your stress disappear at the end of the day. That’s right! A dog! Or, I guess, technically, your pet.

Owning a pet is one of the best things you can do for yourself, your future self, and your social life. Thesis statement: check. Takes me back to middle school and the adventure that was the writing test. Or really any English class ever. Three parts to a well-written paper (supposedly). Beginning, middle, and end. The beginning should hold your main point for the whole essay. The middle should support the argument. And the end should wrap that nonsense up. Take your multiple paragraphs or finely tuned BS and summarize it in different words.

Then you get the creative writing classes which are all like stream of consciousness. Who needs structure. Write what you feel. And teenage me was so confused. Several years later TRP is the result so if you’re not a fan, blame the school system. If you are a fan, blame the school system. Ok … let’s wrap that tangent up. School taught me how to write with a confusing blend of structure and nonsense. Yipee. Like school, pets have also taught me a lot about life and what’s really important. Specifically:

Some Things Are Out of Your Control

Like what day of the week it is, or who is willing to take you on a walk. Either way, accept it and live your best life!

Little Things Matter

Like getting lunch delivered or finding your favorite toy under a couch cushion. Small things add up, so stop and smell the roses!

Attitude is Everything

Like choosing to not be stressed, or choosing to jump all over your owner when they come home. Either way, it’s up to you boo!

Don’t Just Forgive, Forget

Like when the sales guy calls you out in a meeting and you take the high road even though you weren’t part of the issue, or when you get in trouble for stealing raw chicken off the counter. Move on – life is too short to hold a grudge!

Squirrels are Sneaky Little Devils

No further comment …

Make The Most Out Of What You Have

Like when you realize that Whales are their own unique snack, or when you only have kibbles in your bowl and no human treats. You don’t have to have it all to have it all!

Love Everyone

Like when someone cuts you off and you choose to not send them a certain finger signal, or when a new puppy threatens your attention levels. We’re all people, choose the high road!

Do What Makes You Happy

Like when you call in sick to work and go to the spa, or when you play with a squeaky ball by yourself. Happiness is the best feeling in the world and it’s 100% in your control!

Loyalty is Sexy

Like when you celebrate your first decade together, or when you protect your owners from the birds that could present a threat. Nothing is better than knowing your true love is loyal!

Sometimes You Just Need a Hug, or a Tongue

Enough said ….

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

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REASONS I’M NOT SINGLE, BUT SHOULD BE

Have you ever been in love? Let’s back up, have you ever been in a relationship? Mmm, further back, have you ever liked someone? AKA, been single and ready to mingle? If that’s you, no worries at all! There is still more than enough time and plenty of fish in the sea. Don’t give up hope – your person, or people … not here to judge … is out there. This is the ideal time to live your best freaking life and do all of the things that make you happy. No asking, no schedule arranging, no double booking, no awkward in-law interactions, no trying to conceal your quirkiness. Just pure you.

While I fully support a solid, soul enhancing, single period of your life, most of us, at some point, want to find the peanut butter to our jelly. And I have to say, there is no better feeling than meeting someone who you just vibe with. Who you love spending time with doing absolutely nothing. The person who is your travel buddy, picture taker, food explorer, and best friend. Someone who pushes you to be a better version of yourself and is your biggest cheerleader. That feeling is special.

True love, or infatuation, if you’ve felt it, you know what I’m talking about. If you’re anything like me, however, the longer you’re with your partner, the more comfortable you get with them. And thus, the longer the list becomes of just truly questionable things that you do where you wonder how you aren’t single. How someone would watch you do something so off the wall without batting an eye and move on like nothing happened. If you’re really jamming on the same keyboard with your partner, they might even respond back, matching your weirdness without a second thought.

For my singles peeps, I’m sure you can also think of several reasons keeping you from finding your soulmate. Although I would argue that they aren’t preventing you from meeting that special someone, you just haven’t found the right person who loves that about you. To be honest, sometimes you have to pick through a lot of weeds to find a beautiful flower. Some weeds may look like a catch on the outside, talking to you dandelions, but when you start to dig deep you realize they’re toxic. So don’t beat yourself up! You deserve someone much, much, much better.

Anywho … enough mushy talk. In case you’re embarrassed by your quirks, or are in denial that you’re a weirdo, I’m more than happy to share some of my strange habits to make you feel better about yourself. Starting with the fact that apparently I make dinosaur noises at random points throughout the day. I never really know when it’s going to happen. One minute, I’m a professional, and the next I’m channeling my inner pterodactyl to communicate my hunger to my partner. Who usually just responds with a dinosaur noise as well, so if that isn’t a soulmate I’m not sure what is.

Dinosaur noises may sit at the top of my list, but please enjoy all these other quirks that comprehensively should make me single according to social standards:

In general, my life is very organized. I keep a highly organized Tupperware cabinet. Meaning I can match lids to bottoms so quickly. Everything gets folded – laundry, pajamas, blankets, etc. and the majority of my shoes live in their original boxes
I’m way too in love with my dog. If I had to choose between my partner and my dog, that’s a hard answer for me
My communication timing is usually less than ideal. For example, I always think of questions for my partner while they’re using the bathroom so I ask them through a closed door. Usually I announce plans at the last minute so it’s a right then and there kind of movement. Like we have to be at a brewery in 15 minutes – let’s a go!
Apparently I’m not an overly loud person and choose to ask questions while walking away so my partner can’t hear me. And sometimes I ask honest questions, but very directly, and it comes across as somewhat judgemental
I can have full fledged conversations with my partner where I will answer all of my questions by myself and they will say absolutely nothing. It’s effective, though, I must admit
There have been times when I may, or may not, have dramatized things a bit. Or a lot. If you’ve read any posts on here this should not surprise you
Competitiveness is my biggest flaw. I will argue with a child playing Chutes and Ladders if I’m not winning. It’s bad
I’m not good at sharing, specifically space on the bed. I can, and will, take up 95% of the available room. I’m also a cover thief
I eat Goldfish as an entree
My dancing skills leave a lot to be desired and so I stick with what I’m good at – bouncy movements
Shockingly, I am restless. To the extreme and am unable to relax. I’ll change positions four hundred times in a 10 minute period. I’ll have to take breaks during a 2 hour movie to move around. I’m a busy body
I keep a year round CHRISTMAS countdown
When it comes to drinking adult beverages, I will smell every drink before I take a sip. Especially if it’s a shot of straight liquor as I like to know what I’m getting myself into. I have also been known to voluntarily get on the floor when past a certain line. Just because
All of the cars that I’ve ever owned have been named
I still have all of my stuffed animals and I keep a somewhat robust rubber duck assortment located in various places around the house
We all know traffic is one of my favorite subjects, and as a self-described traffic critic I am a terrible backseat driver. I’m not proud of this, but if you’re seeing someone brake in front of you and our speed isn’t changing, I’m grabbing the Jesus handle for sure
Despite a strong love for food, I never, and I mean never, know what I want to eat. I’m never really craving anything specific either. Neither food type or restaurant which my partner LOVES. Just kidding it drives them insane – not really sure why they keep asking what I want to eat. If you put food in front of me, chances are that’s what I wanted. Unless it’s dessert and in that case I’m always craving something
Honestly, I’m a terrible liar. My facial expressions always give me away. I have a guilty conscience what can I say
I will try to play things off whenever possible. Sometimes it’s a success, sometimes it’s not, but I won’t know if I don’t try

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BECOMING AN ADULT: EXPECTATIONS v. REALITY

Remember being in college and wanting so badly to just be an adult already? Start making the money instead of selling the devil your soul to be able to afford tuition each semester? Oh to be young and dumb again! In hindsight, I would like to make college last as long as possible. A victory lap if that’s what it would have taken to prolong becoming an adult for an extra year. But alas, that’s how life works isn’t it? The grass is always greener somewhere else.

There are definitely perks to being a full-blown adult, though. Namely, the money making part. Also the no homework part, the no exams part, the do what you want when you want part, the bigger and better vacations part (because you now have the money part), and the adult relationships part. Specifically the part of said adult relationship where you, and society, feel comfortable rescuing a puppy together. Which is really the goal of life, I think. Get to that stage and what could be better?! Kids? Mmm, ask me again in 10 years. It’ll be a close call.

By now, you know that I think dogs are angels sent to make all the bad times seem meaningless compared to the joy that we are capable of experiencing. Thus, there really is no flip side to that part of the adulting phase in life. There is, however, a flip side to the dolla dolla bills portion of it. Disappointments, really, that no one, not even Hollywood, prepared me for. Frankly, I’m disappointed that growing up they fed us lies that high school would be Wildcat wonderland, college would be the equivalent of doing your favorite thing in the world day after day, and then, seamlessly, we would blossom into well-mannered, brilliant, funny, personable, desirable, and social adults. Like a caterpillar emerging from it’s college cocoon.

Granted, you can never expect too much from the film and TV industry. Guidance counselors, though, where were you? Department heads, where was the curriculum to prepare us? I have a lot of RANDOM SKILLS, but I would have liked to have had some practical skills and realistic expectations from my colorful coursework. Maybe a course on what is health care. What all the hundreds of papers you have to sign are referencing when buying a car. How to do your taxes. The basic art of cooking for one. Anything along those lines.

Among the list of biggest disappointments are the following:

Work
- Just in general, I’m already over this
Being Tired on Friday Nights
- From working all week and having to make decisions and deal with UNNECESSARILY ANGRY PEOPLE
Cooking for Yourself
- This is harder than it seems when you’re growing up and it was just always there
Having to Make Your Own Appointments
- You have to know your calendar, and the commute time, and you have to talk on the phone with someone … just not great all around
Bills
- A disturbing amount of the money from that fun work thing goes to paying other people for basic things like the Internet
Student Loan Payments
- A cruel form of bills as payback for not preparing you for being a real-world adult without a trust fund
Responsibility
- All of it – it’s overrated
Communication
- People expect you to magically be a poet laureate and beautifully articulate in every email, Slack message, personal thought, etc.
Vacation Days
- A novel concept, but there is somehow never enough to make up for the 3 months of summer break, 1 week of fall break, 1 month of winter break, and 1 week of spring break that you are now lacking. In other words, I would need a minimum of 18 weeks PTO to be comparable
Sales People
- And suddenly, spam! Spam everywhere! Leave me alone, if I want to buy something I know how to search on Amazon for it

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SHOULD YOU GET A DOG? A QUESTIONNAIRE

I love dogs. That should be obvious if you’ve read any of my previous posts. If this is your first experience here, welcome! Now pause for a few minutes, or hours, I don’t know what kind of time you’re working with, and explore the history of TRP. How did we get to this point? Specifically this post – why am I asking you if you should get a dog? Because I love them. More than most people honestly. They’re the best pet. The best animal. The best personality. The best all around really.

So here we are. Should you get a dog? Yes. Not much else to say here. Get a dog, they’ll make your life infinitely better! Maybe I’ll end the post here. Be a super straight to the point kind of day for both of us. But … that’s not that fun. Instead of letting you off the hook in paragraph two, let’s play one of my new favorite games. The questionnaire. Should you [BLANK]? Well, there’s only one non-scientifically backed way to be sure. This post, obviously. Enough with the pleasantries, let’s figure out if a pandemic pup is for you:

Do you want to be happy? You could get a temporary piece of cheesecake, or you could get a dog
Do you want to be loved unconditionally? You could get married, with the potential for divorce, or you could get a dog
Do you want to be fulfilled? You could have a child, or you could get a dog
Do you want to be given a purpose? You could do some deep soul searching, or you could get a dog
Do you want to find your best friend? You could spend time with lots of different people, or you could get a dog
Do you want to figure out what true loyalty is? You can only get a dog
Do you want to learn how to forgive and forget? You can babysit a toddler, or you could get a dog
Do you want to learn how to chase a squirrel unsuccessfully? You could DIY, or you could get a dog
Do you want to find random toys all over your house? You could have a child, or you could get a dog
Do you want to be so intrigued by a living being’s actions? You could date someone, or you could get a dog
Do you want a cuddle buddy with no strings attached? You could pay someone, or you could get a dog
Do you want the best greeting in the world every time you come home? You could program your Ring doorbell, or you could get a dog
Do you want to save a life? You could become a doctor, or you could get a dog
Do you want to learn what self-love talk looks like? You could go to therapy, or you could get a dog
Do you want to instantly make new (human) friends and bump up your follower counts? You can buy fake ones, or you could get a dog

Basically, get a dog. It’s the easiest, most satisfying way to improve any of the above areas. I know what some of the cat lovers are thinking right about now. ‘Why did I read this post? I’m a cat person.’ Simple! Because you’re conflicted. And you know that your cat does not provide a solution to any of the above questions. Welcome to the light side of dog ownership. I think the other holdouts are worried about allergies and / or a previous traumatizing experience with a dog. Well, that’s why allergy medicine was invented and what therapy is really for! Let go of the stigma. Talk to someone. Open your mind. Overcome your fears. Get a dog. Join us!

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HULU’S COMMERCIAL ALGORITHM: THE ULTIMATE TROLL

Hulu has crashed onto the streaming services scene and has really been making waves. Offering a live TV option. Giving you the fastest access to current seasons. Beginning to rival Netflix’s quality and quantity with their Hulu Originals. Having one of the best color schemes in television apps. Green is honestly superior to red. It’s the color of money for one. And half of the Christmas color scheme. Supposedly, according to my BIF (best Internet friend) Google, our minds associate it with life, nature, energy, growth, freshness, safety, and ambition, among other things.

Despite all the good things going it’s way, though, Hulu has a dark side. Some might think that’s their default advertisement tier. Those people would be partially right. I mean, sure, there is the option to pay for Hulu with no ads. But who has that kind of frivolous spending in their budget? It’s twice as much. And then I would lose my built in bathroom, and snack, breaks. In other words, for more of my money, I would physically have to pick up the remote to pause what I was watching to take a break. That feels backwards. A little unfair, honestly. Thus, I am but a Hulu peasant living with their commercial breaks.

Side tangent aside, the commercial breaks are a necessary evil in my current lifestyle. If you’re living the 1% life and don’t have the basic plan, then you may not be able to relate to the one major downside to Hulu. Which, of course, is their commercial algorithm troll. During my PH years – that’s pre-Hulu in case it was unclear – I thought I was kind of an average, normal-ish millennial. Sure I had my quirks, but overall believed I was in the same general range as my peers. From a lifestyle and preferences standpoint.

However, after leveling up to multiple streaming services and adding the big green H to my TV apps, I’ve realized that I am both a middle aged soccer mom and a lonely college student. I am neither a mom, nor am I middle aged, nor am I lonely, nor am I a college student. At least, I didn’t think I was. Enter Hubert the Hulu Troll. In my mind this algorithm is an angry old man, so I figured Hubert best fit that analogy. Hubert made me realize that I’ve basically been living in some weird dream as a mid-twenties millennial.

I’m no algorithm expert, but I know that at a basic level it takes your viewing preferences and suggests commercials based on what category it thinks you fall into. Oh, and obviously your smart TV, and any other devices with your Hulu app, listens to your conversations and throws out commercials based on your conversations. So it takes the data it has, steals data from private conversations and stereotypes you. How fun is that?!

If it feels a bit creepy, that’s because it is. I’ve been talking about adopting a new puppy since the fall. Simply talking. And texting. With my friends and family. On my phone. Which doesn’t have the Hulu app. Yet, guess who keeps getting Petfinder and Hill’s Pet Nutrition commercials? Correct, yours truly. Although, if we’re being honest, it could have been a much worse topic for them to take from my non Hulu related activity, so I guess there’s a silver lining. I get to see adorable dogs on my commercial breaks. On the flip side, though, it also thinks that I have children. I get a disturbing amount of Pull-Ups, minivan, and Hornitos tequila commercials. If Hulu is listening, please just send me more puppies.

Like all good technology, it doesn’t always get it right. Occasionally I get commercials for Meow Mix and I know you don’t know me, but I’m not a cat person. I don’t own a cat. I won’t own a cat. Stop trying to sell me on the impossible. I also find it funny when I get whiskey commercials since I hate whiskey. And all of my private conversations would indicate that. Maybe my significant other is whispering sweet nothings in Hubert’s ear to try and get me on the brown liquor train. But I will stand strong.

My favorite part about Hubert, is that for a while I naively believed it was just random placements of ads to the highest bidder. Then my siblings, one who is in college and one who just graduated from college, informed me that they got Trojan, Tinder, and Tito’s commercials. At which point I realized that Hubert genuinely believes that I’ve outgrown my youth. I have not received a single commercial for any of those products. And I love a good moscow mule so what’s up with that?!

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DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: THAT’S A NO FROM ME

Oh, look. Another daylight savings time has come and confused our biological clocks like the demon it is. Why are we still observing this not once, but twice a year? What purpose is it serving? Does it boost the economy? Is it a way to keep the calendar in sync? I would like answers from whoever controls this. Who does control it? Father time? Mother nature? Please tell me it’s not the government. Regardless, it needs to go.

If this happened once a year, it would still be annoying. On the scale of which version is better, spring or fall, that clearly goes to the fall option. I have yet to meet anyone who gets excited to lose an hour of their lives every spring. Time goes fast enough, I don’t need some arbitrary time rule eliminating an hour every year. Thus why the fall is preferable, since I gain that lost hour back. Although, if we’re being honest, that hour would be more useful to me during the summer vacation season instead of during winter.

Let’s break down why this is the worst, and then argue to send it back into the fiery pits of the south where I feel confident it originated. Spring forward. What? Why? It’s 1:59AM going on 3AM. How absolutely exhilarating. Especially since it happens overnight. You go to sleep. Life is normal. Time makes sense. You understand when to wake up and when to sleep. Life is good. Then, BAM! Time change! And all of a sudden you are late to all of your Sunday activities. Your phone says it’s one time, but all your other dumb household appliances say something different. It’s so stressful.

And what if you forget to change all of the possible places that display the time in any sort of fashion? Well, first of all, everything does not need a clock. I would like to throw that out into the innovation universe cloud. If you decide that what you’re building is going to display time, then you better make sure it knows how to sync with the actual time as well. I’m over trying to adjust my microwave clock like I live in the 20th century. I literally don’t have the time. I’ve lost an entire hour.

Circling back, what if a clock is off? Well, in my experience, the clock I usually forget about lives in my car. Which is truly just unfortunate. Am I late? Am I early? I left the house on time, or so I thought. The amount of times I second guess my decision about when to leave in the days following a time shift is astronomical. Usually for the first half of the ensuing week I’m late for every meeting on my calendar. How I still have a job, you and I both wonder.

In other musings, why is it always a Sunday? A Friday night going into Saturday would allow for more adjustment time. I never know when to go to bed on the night of the incident. My phone says bedtime, but my body says binge time and that is an internal struggle I still haven’t figured out how to resolve. Meanwhile, who has a Saturday night bedtime? It’s more of a fall asleep when you fall asleep kind of vibe. Or if some external circumstances cause you to lose consciousness. No judgement.

You might be thinking, yes springing forward is my least favorite form of exercise, but then we get to fall back in just a few months. Well I’m here to say that I enjoy falling back as much as I enjoy trust fall exercises. Which is not at all. Do I trust a stranger to catch me? Absolutely not! What if they feel their phone vibrate and are waiting for a text back from their crush? If that was me, I’d sneak a glance for sure. Anyways … falling back is more confusing. Your bedtime syncs up with your grandparents momentarily. And then you’re awake before sunrise and everything is dark and you aren’t sure if you’ve been abducted and sent to Alaska or not.

My last feeling about this, not final though, just going for a somewhat concise post, has to do with our poor animals. Whom we adore. Maybe not all animals, but definitely our dogs. They too don’t know what to do with daylight savings time. Think about it, their internal clocks are synced with the actual daylight – not just the concept of day versus night as presented to us in the form of four numbers separated by a colon. Or Google it, some very smart, scientific, people have researched this extensively while I have merely thought about it for a few moments.

Mmkay, so overall emotion towards this ritual is not great. I would propose solutions, but there’s only one thing I would like to do with it. Make it disappear. Send it the depths of the ocean where those creatures have never seen daylight once. Fly it into outer space, I think time is relative out there anyways. I don’t care. Just take it away from me. Arizona and Hawaii are looking like excellent options for my next place of residence.

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NAPKINS ARE THE MUTTS OF THE PAPER GOODS INDUSTRY

If given the choice between a paper towel, or a napkin, which would you choose? Because it’s not really a choice. There is a correct answer and an answer that will get you a confused Nick Young look. According to Google, millennials have been killing the paper napkin industry over the past few years and I find this interesting. One, because I identify as a millennial (it is, after all, truly just a mindset and ANYONE COULD BE A MILLENNIAL) and two, because I didn’t realize paper napkins were still a thing, to be honest. Who is still using paper napkins? Who is upset that the paper napkin industry is supposedly being killed? Who is unable to find an acceptable alternative to the paper napkin? So many questions for literally zero concerns.

In my mind, the napkin is merely a mixed breed in the paper goods industry. A cross between a paper towel and a tissue. Made in a neat square that is never enough real estate when eating, especially when eating something with your hands, and fragile enough to not hold up for those of us who like to clean our fingers as we eat to maintain some semblance of social expectations. Where did these even come from? I think the only useful thing about the napkin is it’s unique square shape since it folds perfectly in half to either be two rectangles, or two triangles. And that is paper folding asmr right there! But when it comes to practicality, my euphoria can’t overshadow the amount of napkins it takes to stay clean during a meal.

To be fair, though, there is a range of even napkins. As there are with paper towels and tissues as well. You get what you pay for. Are there different thicknesses to napkins depending on what quality you buy? Sure. But think about even a low quality paper towel and it’s comparable to an overpriced napkin. Are there more absorbent napkins depending on what quality you buy? Definitely. But think about how much more absorbent a low quality paper towel is just by sheer absorbency space over that of a napkin.

The moral here, of course, being that paper towels are superior to napkins. They’re bigger for starters – rectangle v square and we all know it’s not a tissue rectangle here. They tend to be thicker – probably since they’re modeled after towels which are known for absorbency. They’re easier to obtain – it’s way too hard to pick up one napkin, but a paper towel pulls nicely off the roll. They’re much more versatile – paper towels can be used at dinner, for cleaning, or really anytime you need a paper product whereas napkins really only shine with food. Should I keep going?

On the flip side, tissues are also superior to napkins. They both have one job, but the tissue does it well. The napkin on the other hand is a 50 / 50 shot at best and even then the frustration when you hit the wrong side of that bet isn’t worth the gamble. Tissues can also successfully be a one and done type of deal. Napkins, again, rarely let you get away without adding a whole bunch of friends to your plate.

I think we all know where I stand on this debate. My next main concern is that the Internet seems to be spreading a message that we are “killing” the napkin industry. And that’s a strong word choice. People go to prison for stuff like that. Seems a bit aggressive considering most companies who make napkins also make other products … meaning they would only be shutting down one portion, and hopefully being innovative enough to jump on the paper towel train or go rogue and pick up a really random product to replace them. Like dog collars. You never know. In other words, we’re simply opening up opportunities for new business ventures.

My real question from this post, though, is who is actively purchasing paper napkins in stores? I couldn’t tell you the last time I spent money on a pack of napkins. Or the last time I went to a friend’s house and saw / used napkins. Or seen a pack of napkins in anyone’s cart at the grocery store. Or even seen napkins in an aisle. Where are they? I know where the paper towels are, but napkins? We don’t know.

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Tag: Dogs