SHOULD YOU GET A DOG? A QUESTIONNAIRE

I love dogs. That should be obvious if you’ve read any of my previous posts. If this is your first experience here, welcome! Now pause for a few minutes, or hours, I don’t know what kind of time you’re working with, and explore the history of TRP. How did we get to this point? Specifically this post – why am I asking you if you should get a dog? Because I love them. More than most people honestly. They’re the best pet. The best animal. The best personality. The best all around really.

So here we are. Should you get a dog? Yes. Not much else to say here. Get a dog, they’ll make your life infinitely better! Maybe I’ll end the post here. Be a super straight to the point kind of day for both of us. But … that’s not that fun. Instead of letting you off the hook in paragraph two, let’s play one of my new favorite games. The questionnaire. Should you [BLANK]? Well, there’s only one non-scientifically backed way to be sure. This post, obviously. Enough with the pleasantries, let’s figure out if a pandemic pup is for you:

  • Do you want to be happy? You could get a temporary piece of cheesecake, or you could get a dog
  • Do you want to be loved unconditionally? You could get married, with the potential for divorce, or you could get a dog
  • Do you want to be fulfilled? You could have a child, or you could get a dog
  • Do you want to be given a purpose? You could do some deep soul searching, or you could get a dog
  • Do you want to find your best friend? You could spend time with lots of different people, or you could get a dog
  • Do you want to figure out what true loyalty is? You can only get a dog
  • Do you want to learn how to forgive and forget? You can babysit a toddler, or you could get a dog
  • Do you want to learn how to chase a squirrel unsuccessfully? You could DIY, or you could get a dog
  • Do you want to find random toys all over your house? You could have a child, or you could get a dog
  • Do you want to be so intrigued by a living being’s actions? You could date someone, or you could get a dog
  • Do you want a cuddle buddy with no strings attached? You could pay someone, or you could get a dog
  • Do you want the best greeting in the world every time you come home? You could program your Ring doorbell, or you could get a dog
  • Do you want to save a life? You could become a doctor, or you could get a dog
  • Do you want to learn what self-love talk looks like? You could go to therapy, or you could get a dog
  • Do you want to instantly make new (human) friends and bump up your follower counts? You can buy fake ones, or you could get a dog

Basically, get a dog. It’s the easiest, most satisfying way to improve any of the above areas. I know what some of the cat lovers are thinking right about now. ‘Why did I read this post? I’m a cat person.’ Simple! Because you’re conflicted. And you know that your cat does not provide a solution to any of the above questions. Welcome to the light side of dog ownership. I think the other holdouts are worried about allergies and / or a previous traumatizing experience with a dog. Well, that’s why allergy medicine was invented and what therapy is really for! Let go of the stigma. Talk to someone. Open your mind. Overcome your fears. Get a dog. Join us!

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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HULU’S COMMERCIAL ALGORITHM: THE ULTIMATE TROLL

Hulu has crashed onto the streaming services scene and has really been making waves. Offering a live TV option. Giving you the fastest access to current seasons. Beginning to rival Netflix’s quality and quantity with their Hulu Originals. Having one of the best color schemes in television apps. Green is honestly superior to red. It’s the color of money for one. And half of the Christmas color scheme. Supposedly, according to my BIF (best Internet friend) Google, our minds associate it with life, nature, energy, growth, freshness, safety, and ambition, among other things.

Despite all the good things going it’s way, though, Hulu has a dark side. Some might think that’s their default advertisement tier. Those people would be partially right. I mean, sure, there is the option to pay for Hulu with no ads. But who has that kind of frivolous spending in their budget? It’s twice as much. And then I would lose my built in bathroom, and snack, breaks. In other words, for more of my money, I would physically have to pick up the remote to pause what I was watching to take a break. That feels backwards. A little unfair, honestly. Thus, I am but a Hulu peasant living with their commercial breaks.

Side tangent aside, the commercial breaks are a necessary evil in my current lifestyle. If you’re living the 1% life and don’t have the basic plan, then you may not be able to relate to the one major downside to Hulu. Which, of course, is their commercial algorithm troll. During my PH years – that’s pre-Hulu in case it was unclear – I thought I was kind of an average, normal-ish millennial. Sure I had my quirks, but overall believed I was in the same general range as my peers. From a lifestyle and preferences standpoint.

However, after leveling up to multiple streaming services and adding the big green H to my TV apps, I’ve realized that I am both a middle aged soccer mom and a lonely college student. I am neither a mom, nor am I middle aged, nor am I lonely, nor am I a college student. At least, I didn’t think I was. Enter Hubert the Hulu Troll. In my mind this algorithm is an angry old man, so I figured Hubert best fit that analogy. Hubert made me realize that I’ve basically been living in some weird dream as a mid-twenties millennial. 

I’m no algorithm expert, but I know that at a basic level it takes your viewing preferences and suggests commercials based on what category it thinks you fall into. Oh, and obviously your smart TV, and any other devices with your Hulu app, listens to your conversations and throws out commercials based on your conversations. So it takes the data it has, steals data from private conversations and stereotypes you. How fun is that?! 

If it feels a bit creepy, that’s because it is. I’ve been talking about adopting a new puppy since the fall. Simply talking. And texting. With my friends and family. On my phone. Which doesn’t have the Hulu app. Yet, guess who keeps getting Petfinder and Hill’s Pet Nutrition commercials? Correct, yours truly. Although, if we’re being honest, it could have been a much worse topic for them to take from my non Hulu related activity, so I guess there’s a silver lining. I get to see adorable dogs on my commercial breaks. On the flip side, though, it also thinks that I have children. I get a disturbing amount of Pull-Ups, minivan, and Hornitos tequila commercials. If Hulu is listening, please just send me more puppies.

Like all good technology, it doesn’t always get it right. Occasionally I get commercials for Meow Mix and I know you don’t know me, but I’m not a cat person. I don’t own a cat. I won’t own a cat. Stop trying to sell me on the impossible. I also find it funny when I get whiskey commercials since I hate whiskey. And all of my private conversations would indicate that. Maybe my significant other is whispering sweet nothings in Hubert’s ear to try and get me on the brown liquor train. But I will stand strong. 

My favorite part about Hubert, is that for a while I naively believed it was just random placements of ads to the highest bidder. Then my siblings, one who is in college and one who just graduated from college, informed me that they got Trojan, Tinder, and Tito’s commercials. At which point I realized that Hubert genuinely believes that I’ve outgrown my youth. I have not received a single commercial for any of those products. And I love a good moscow mule so what’s up with that?!

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: THAT’S A NO FROM ME

Oh, look. Another daylight savings time has come and confused our biological clocks like the demon it is. Why are we still observing this not once, but twice a year? What purpose is it serving? Does it boost the economy? Is it a way to keep the calendar in sync? I would like answers from whoever controls this. Who does control it? Father time? Mother nature? Please tell me it’s not the government. Regardless, it needs to go.

If this happened once a year, it would still be annoying. On the scale of which version is better, spring or fall, that clearly goes to the fall option. I have yet to meet anyone who gets excited to lose an hour of their lives every spring. Time goes fast enough, I don’t need some arbitrary time rule eliminating an hour every year. Thus why the fall is preferable, since I gain that lost hour back. Although, if we’re being honest, that hour would be more useful to me during the summer vacation season instead of during winter.

Let’s break down why this is the worst, and then argue to send it back into the fiery pits of the south where I feel confident it originated. Spring forward. What? Why? It’s 1:59AM going on 3AM. How absolutely exhilarating. Especially since it happens overnight. You go to sleep. Life is normal. Time makes sense. You understand when to wake up and when to sleep. Life is good. Then, BAM! Time change! And all of a sudden you are late to all of your Sunday activities. Your phone says it’s one time, but all your other dumb household appliances say something different. It’s so stressful.

And what if you forget to change all of the possible places that display the time in any sort of fashion? Well, first of all, everything does not need a clock. I would like to throw that out into the innovation universe cloud. If you decide that what you’re building is going to display time, then you better make sure it knows how to sync with the actual time as well. I’m over trying to adjust my microwave clock like I live in the 20th century. I literally don’t have the time. I’ve lost an entire hour.

Circling back, what if a clock is off? Well, in my experience, the clock I usually forget about lives in my car. Which is truly just unfortunate. Am I late? Am I early? I left the house on time, or so I thought. The amount of times I second guess my decision about when to leave in the days following a time shift is astronomical. Usually for the first half of the ensuing week I’m late for every meeting on my calendar. How I still have a job, you and I both wonder. 

In other musings, why is it always a Sunday? A Friday night going into Saturday would allow for more adjustment time. I never know when to go to bed on the night of the incident. My phone says bedtime, but my body says binge time and that is an internal struggle I still haven’t figured out how to resolve. Meanwhile, who has a Saturday night bedtime? It’s more of a fall asleep when you fall asleep kind of vibe. Or if some external circumstances cause you to lose consciousness. No judgement. 

You might be thinking, yes springing forward is my least favorite form of exercise, but then we get to fall back in just a few months. Well I’m here to say that I enjoy falling back as much as I enjoy trust fall exercises. Which is not at all. Do I trust a stranger to catch me? Absolutely not! What if they feel their phone vibrate and are waiting for a text back from their crush? If that was me, I’d sneak a glance for sure. Anyways … falling back is more confusing. Your bedtime syncs up with your grandparents momentarily. And then you’re awake before sunrise and everything is dark and you aren’t sure if you’ve been abducted and sent to Alaska or not.

My last feeling about this, not final though, just going for a somewhat concise post, has to do with our poor animals. Whom we adore. Maybe not all animals, but definitely our dogs. They too don’t know what to do with daylight savings time. Think about it, their internal clocks are synced with the actual daylight – not just the concept of day versus night as presented to us in the form of four numbers separated by a colon. Or Google it, some very smart, scientific, people have researched this extensively while I have merely thought about it for a few moments. 

Mmkay, so overall emotion towards this ritual is not great. I would propose solutions, but there’s only one thing I would like to do with it. Make it disappear. Send it the depths of the ocean where those creatures have never seen daylight once. Fly it into outer space, I think time is relative out there anyways. I don’t care. Just take it away from me. Arizona and Hawaii are looking like excellent options for my next place of residence. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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NAPKINS ARE THE MUTTS OF THE PAPER GOODS INDUSTRY

If given the choice between a paper towel, or a napkin, which would you choose? Because it’s not really a choice. There is a correct answer and an answer that will get you a confused Nick Young look. According to Google, millennials have been killing the paper napkin industry over the past few years and I find this interesting. One, because I identify as a millennial (it is, after all, truly just a mindset and ANYONE COULD BE A MILLENNIAL) and two, because I didn’t realize paper napkins were still a thing, to be honest. Who is still using paper napkins? Who is upset that the paper napkin industry is supposedly being killed? Who is unable to find an acceptable alternative to the paper napkin? So many questions for literally zero concerns.

In my mind, the napkin is merely a mixed breed in the paper goods industry. A cross between a paper towel and a tissue. Made in a neat square that is never enough real estate when eating, especially when eating something with your hands, and fragile enough to not hold up for those of us who like to clean our fingers as we eat to maintain some semblance of social expectations. Where did these even come from? I think the only useful thing about the napkin is it’s unique square shape since it folds perfectly in half to either be two rectangles, or two triangles. And that is paper folding asmr right there! But when it comes to practicality, my euphoria can’t overshadow the amount of napkins it takes to stay clean during a meal.

To be fair, though, there is a range of even napkins. As there are with paper towels and tissues as well. You get what you pay for. Are there different thicknesses to napkins depending on what quality you buy? Sure. But think about even a low quality paper towel and it’s comparable to an overpriced napkin. Are there more absorbent napkins depending on what quality you buy? Definitely. But think about how much more absorbent a low quality paper towel is just by sheer absorbency space over that of a napkin. 

The moral here, of course, being that paper towels are superior to napkins. They’re bigger for starters – rectangle v square and we all know it’s not a tissue rectangle here. They tend to be thicker – probably since they’re modeled after towels which are known for absorbency. They’re easier to obtain – it’s way too hard to pick up one napkin, but a paper towel pulls nicely off the roll. They’re much more versatile – paper towels can be used at dinner, for cleaning, or really anytime you need a paper product whereas napkins really only shine with food. Should I keep going?

On the flip side, tissues are also superior to napkins. They both have one job, but the tissue does it well. The napkin on the other hand is a 50 / 50 shot at best and even then the frustration when you hit the wrong side of that bet isn’t worth the gamble. Tissues can also successfully be a one and done type of deal. Napkins, again, rarely let you get away without adding a whole bunch of friends to your plate. 

I think we all know where I stand on this debate. My next main concern is that the Internet seems to be spreading a message that we are “killing” the napkin industry. And that’s a strong word choice. People go to prison for stuff like that. Seems a bit aggressive considering most companies who make napkins also make other products … meaning they would only be shutting down one portion, and hopefully being innovative enough to jump on the paper towel train or go rogue and pick up a really random product to replace them. Like dog collars. You never know. In other words, we’re simply opening up opportunities for new business ventures.

My real question from this post, though, is who is actively purchasing paper napkins in stores? I couldn’t tell you the last time I spent money on a pack of napkins. Or the last time I went to a friend’s house and saw / used napkins. Or seen a pack of napkins in anyone’s cart at the grocery store. Or even seen napkins in an aisle. Where are they? I know where the paper towels are, but napkins? We don’t know. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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THINGS MY DOG DOES THAT ARE SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE FOR HUMANS TO DO

I’d like to start this post off by saying that I love my dog very much. Just in case she somehow learns how to read. Then just in case she figures out how to use a computer, and the Internet, and learns how to read my mind to figure out which blog I write. And then just in case she actually accesses this site only to discover my thoughts about her often curious behavior. Am I judging some of the things that she does? A thousand percent! Dogs are weird. And we love them anyways. Which is a good lesson for how we should treat ALL PEOPLE, really. 

Now that I’ve reiterated for the thousandth time how much I love my dog to all of the Internet, we can move on. Dogs, as a species, are shameless. Full of love and loyal to a t, but absolutely shameless – in the best possible way. They’re also an animal. So that combination of zero cares and having the mind, instincts, and habits of a creature is entertaining, to say the least. What exactly am I getting at? Well, I’m so glad you asked! Let’s talk about all the things our pets do that make us do the confused head tilt:

  • Lick Their Butts
    • For cleaning purposes most of the time, at least I’m assuming. As humans, though, we have that next level invention: toilet paper. We also have thumbs so I guess there’s that
  • Sniff Other Dogs’ Butts
    • Is this like the “perfume” that dogs wear? Only it’s all natural? Why is that your choice in introduction? Best not to think too much about this one
  • Lick People
    • It is technically a sign of affection. But read bullet point number one again and all of sudden this isn’t as cute
  • Sniff Other Dogs’, and Their Own, Poop
    • Because I guess if you can’t be with your friends the next best thing is to remember what their butt smells like? Texting works as well, but again, no thumbs so I’m not sure how successful that would be
  • Lick Other Dogs
    • My only belief here is a sign of affection for their “friends” … know what I’m saying? I’m not sure if dogs do monogamy, but if they do and my belief is right, my dog is a straight up HO!
  • Chase Squirrels, and Frankly Most Other Animals
    • As one does, but at least it’s good exercise
  • Lick Themselves
    • Again, probably for cleaning purposes, but maybe when they’re bored too because my dog can’t possible be as dirty for as often as she “grooms” herself
  • Put Anything, and Everything, in Their Mouths
    • I don’t understand this at all! Why the mouth? What if it’s sharp? What if it tastes bad? What if it’s poisonous? One way to find out, I guess
  • Lick Toys
    • To soften them before mauling them? To apologize for mauling them? To show their love before and after mauling them? Also not sure here
  • Lose Their Minds Over a Squeaky Toy
    • Ah, the predatory instinct coming in strong. The catnip for dogs
  • Lick a Blanket
    • Is it not soft enough? Next time you use a blanket, try licking it and see how weird you feel after
  • Perform a Pre-Nap Circling Ritual
    • You have a space and you want to … what? Make sure that the circumference of your body will fit there? If I ever just walked in circles I’d be given a breathalyzer
  • Lick The Couch
    • Do we spill that much food during our TV dinner nights, daily snack shows, and morning pick-me-ups? Maybe. Or maybe the dog is just weird
  • Nap Anywhere
    • Literally anywhere! But I don’t mean anywhere as in a car, or a plane, or normal human places. I mean the middle of the floor. Middle of the kitchen. On the stairs. Who cares! If it fits, it can nap
  • Lick the Carpet
    • Again with the licking! Probably hunting for leftover crumbs somewhere because they … 
  • Shamelessly Beg For Food
    • All the time. We feed our dog. A normal amount of food. And yet one would think we starve her to death based on how she acts around human food
  • Lick the Floor
    • At this point, we get it – they lick everything for fun
  • Pick Up Sticks with Their Mouths
    • Imagine if you went to a park, saw a random stick on the ground, it doesn’t even have to be a good one, and you just bent down and put it in your mouth. Then carried it with you for a while until you got bored. What a weird thing to do!
  • Lick the Ground
    • Because dirt is secretly delicious and all us humans have been missing out for years, I guess
  • Roll Around in the Mud
    • Never in my life have I seen a bunch of mud and thought, I’d love to be covered with that. And yet, my dog believes she is bathing in all the beautiful glory that is the outdoors. Shamelessly

That pretty much sums up all of the things my dog does. She is a licker if it was unclear from the list. I do understand that not all dogs lick all things like my lovable rescue, and yet, all dogs, at some point, lick things on this list. Are there weird things your dog does that didn’t make this list? Nothing would bring me more joy than to know about that so please reach out! I mean that 100% unsarcastically, too, dogs are my life.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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I JUST REWATCHED LADY AND THE TRAMP AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

We all know everyone’s favorite spaghetti memory involves two dogs in love. Right? If you’ve never wanted to share the iconic meal on a date night to casually go in for a quick smooch, do you even have a soul? Anyways, I decided to rewatch the best dog love story created by Disney, to remind myself how great a dog’s love is, and have so many questions and furry observations:

  • The intro basically tells the entire plot through storyboard type drawings so why even watch the movie?
  • The fact that it’s dedicated specifically to dogs brings me more joy than it should
  • Remember mid-1950s animation? What a treat! But, also, thank goodness we’ve evolved technology wise
  • Lady’s Christmas present box has no air holes – she should be dead from the very start
  • Does Jim Dear actually think putting down a piece of newspaper is all it takes to house train a dog? And that it will ‘go right to sleep’? Were dogs not pets pre-1955 or is he just naive?
  • Let’s talk about all the dogs that can successfully only sleep on the bed for one night and then be fine sleeping somewhere else. And … we’re done. That’s not a real thing
  • Why would you give the dog coffee?! Are we to assume that it’s decaf? Because caffeine is poisonous for them
  • If anyone has ever owned a dog, you know that their dreams are the cutest thing in the world
  • What do we think they mean by getting the dog a license? Pretty sure you can buy a tag at anytime not just at the 6 month mark
  • How did the Tramp get in so good with all the restaurant owners? How do I also get them to know my name and give me free food?
  • Jim Dear and Darling are having a child, but they can’t still love their dog? Or even take care of it? Someone’s priorities are off
  • Why is Trusty going through the birds and the bees talk? Surely dogs don’t have sex ed
  • How does Jock know that babies are expensive?
  • Jim Dear is decorating a baby room for a boy while Darling is writing down baby names for a girl. They are not on the same page
  • Their baby shower feels more like a formal dinner party. Going to give the 1950s benefit of the doubt here – part one
  • Why are Lady’s inner thoughts presented as a song? Am I the weirdo whose thoughts are spoken?
  • They had a boy, but the baby blanket is pink. For what reason? The 1950s were not that progressive
  • Aunt Sarah is a monster. Not appreciating Lady in the slightest
  • Ah, well that’s because she’s a crazy cat lady. Problem solved
  • The siamese cat song will haunt my dreams
  • How many animals do the Dear’s have? I’ve seen Lady, a bird, and a fish
  • Who does Aunt Sarah think she is? Buying a muzzle for a dog that isn’t her own? But also, how do Jim Dear and Darling not know how much she hates dogs and just send Lady to the kennel? Like responsible owners
  • Since when can dogs read?
  • If Tony loves the Tramp so much, why not adopt him?
  • How many customers are waiting for food while Tony uses his attention to give the dogs a full fledged date night?
  • Ah, the iconic spaghetti noodle scene is still beautiful
  • And shocker, by the time we get to Lady and the Tramp on the hill staring at the moon, we have seen all the important scenes from the storyboard intro appear in animated form
  • Are we supposed to infer that their relationship was sealed, so to speak?
  • What is Pidge? And how did Lady get that nickname?
  • The depiction of the dog pound is traumatizing. The Humane Society would have a field day with those conditions
  • How is Lady supposed to emotionally trust the Tramp after hearing Peg’s beautiful rendition of his lifestyle?
  • What kind of a love story is this? The Tramp is a pimp and Lady is just his current interest
  • Who keeps the windows open in a rainstorm? For starters, that’s how rain gets in. Apparently, that’s also how rats get in
  • Trusty magically recovers from losing his smell … we’re supposed to believe that? Or he was a liar in the beginning. We may never know
  • So Lady and the Tramp had time to have a litter of puppies, but Trusty is still in a cast?
  • Why don’t the puppies look more like a blend of Lady and the Tramp? Going to give the 1950s benefit of the doubt here – part two

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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