SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST SOUR PATCH KIDS

Marketing South Patch Kids as candy is a straight up lie to all the poor, innocent, suckers of the world. How do I know? Well, for one, I am not a poor, innocent, sucker and only buy real candy (i.e. gummy bears and Swedish Fish). Side note: chocolate is not candy because it’s so amazing it’s in a class all its own. Feel free to @ me, I don’t care what you think because I’m right and you’re wrong. Yet, for some reason, those horrible bitter little children are “popular”. Let me help you out. According to Google, candy is defined as ‘a sweet food made with sugar or syrup combined with fruit, chocolate, or nuts’. I will admit though, that sometimes Google is not all knowing, so I took my search to the OG dictionary, and Merriam-Webster defines candy as ‘something that is pleasant or appealing in a light or frivolous way’.

Last time I checked, Sour Patch Kids are not sweet … initially, I know they supposedly sweeten up after destroying your taste buds with that awful sour punch, but I think that’s just your mouth returning to a normal palate. They also have nothing to do with fruit, chocolate, or nuts so not off to a good start here. Continuing down the candy definition, they are NOT pleasant OR appealing in a light and frivolous way (they’re sticky and heavy and gross).

I’m just now realizing, though, that the point of this post was not to rant about my major dislike of sour candies, really, the kids just fit best in the analogy. No, in fact it was to talk about how much I dislike people (real, live people, not candy people) that act like Sour Patch Kids. The ones who are sour at first and absolutely ruin your appetite for no reason. Like, I don’t know who peed in your Cheerios this morning, but I did not do whatever it is you’re upset about to you. I’m not some voodoo doctor stabbing your doll person and shouting out curses on you and your family. Believe it, or not, I have much, much, much better things to do with my life. These people are so sour it’s mind-numbing … literally. They don’t even know who they’re supposed to be angry with so they pick the first available person. Regardless of their role in the situation. 

Oh, you’re upset because Amazon’s HQ2 is moving into town? I got this free Amazon shirt at a conference, I don’t work for them – even if I did, you screaming at me (a random citizen) is not going to make its way up the corporate ladder and have the boss hogs up there decide to scrap the whole idea. I wouldn’t pass along your feedback, even if I did work for them. Why? Because you’re unpleasant, and I don’t like unpleasant things. It seems like you’re mad because the store is out of your favorite brand of laundry detergent? I am simply trying to do my grocery shopping. I don’t work here, don’t slam your cart into mine and demand I give you the laundry detergent – that’s not how this works. First come, first served. I owe you nothing. Complain to someone who cares like the fly on that wall over there.

My least favorite part of the live Sour Patch Kids, though, is when they all of a sudden turn sweet. It’s not subtle. It’s not fun. It’s sickly, and too much, and leaves a bad aftertaste. You just screamed at me until you were red in the face and now you want to bless me and my family and hope I have a good day? Well, ok, thank you for that, but it feels a little too late at this point if you know what I’m saying. I’ll hope your day gets better to the point where your blood pressure drops back into a healthy range. And I’ll hope that your face returns to a normal skin color and not one of a lobster. But other than that, I hope I never cross paths with you again. Long story short, people who act this way are sour, then sweet, and overall slightly childish so that makes them Sour Patch Kids … ugh.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who is a Sour Patch Kid, tell them to take a hike – they don’t belong in the candy aisle. Thanks for reading!


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I JUST REWATCHED TWILIGHT AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

Have you ever sat at home on a cold, rainy day and thought to yourself ‘wow, I’m basically in a Twilight movie’? Me neither, but when the weather sets the mood, you have to just go with the flow. Full disclosure: I’m not really a Twilight saga fan. Pretty much not a fan of anything that deems itself a saga because we all know that saga and drama go hand in hand. Anyways, I decided to rewatch the start of all our vampire fantasies and I have so many shiny questions and observations:

  • Could it start in a more depressing way? ‘I’ve never given much thought to how I would die, but dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go’ as a deer gets chased and murdered. Also Bella is moving from Phoenix to Washington – sunny to rainy I mean come on
  • Nice little Southwest plug at the beginning. No assigned seating and bags fly free – is this foreshadowing of some kind? Probably considering the Cullens sit wherever they want while flying and they don’t take bags
  • The city of Forks is the size of a high school, and yet there’s people everywhere. At all hours of the day. All days of the week
  • Do you know any fathers who play fight with each other in the middle of the street while their kids get acquainted? No? Well that’s how Bella and Jacob meet! They’re adult men. Play fighting in the street. One of them is in a wheelchair. What even is this scene?
  • What’s the best way to stand out at a new school? Roll up in an old rusted truck
  • Let’s talk about character names: Bella Swan – elegant, delicate, clearly fragile and in need of a man. Jacob Black – mysterious, dark, and clearly an antagonist. Edward Cullen – sophisticated, strong, smart, rich and clearly looking to protect someone
  • Is there a male character in this film that isn’t in love with Bella? That’s realistic, thanks again Hollywood for setting expectations
  • Does anyone else think that the Cullens are actually just a cult? They “adopt” children, encourage relationships among them, and convince them that they’re vampires who kill creatures and drink blood for nourishment
  • What does Bella see in Edward? He’s only a solid 6, has an accent that changes throughout the movie, and has a staring problem. What a stud. She’s an idiot, example 1
  • Um, the car “accident” scene … let’s break that down: everyone makes a big deal out of Tyler almost hitting Bella with his car. Maybe if Bella didn’t just hang out in parking lots with her headphones in this wouldn’t have happened. Also, why does no one care about the giant dent in Tyler’s van? Since he didn’t hit anything with his passenger door? Another thing, Charlie’s reaction is way overkill – ‘you can kiss your license goodbye’, calm down, sir, your daughter is fine
  • What public high school has a salad bar? 
  • Is everyone in town a good liar? Or only the vampires and the wolves?
  • When you Google something, do you scroll past all the top hits to find an actual book to go buy and hope it contains the information you need? No and yet Bella searches for Quileute legends and her first choice from the Google results is to go buy a book #lies
  • Of all cars to roll up in to save your girl from a bunch of horny men, a Volvo would not be in my top 10 options. Also, this is Forks, WA, not Fury Road – someone should re-administer Edward’s driving test
  • A list of major red flags that Bella ignores: someone who says they can read minds, someone who willingly admits to stalking you, someone who likes to give vagues answers when asked questions about their behaviors, someone with no friends, someone who comes across as super rude constantly, someone who doesn’t wear a seatbelt while driving, and someone who admits they’re a vampire. She’s an idiot, example 2
  • What on Earth is the weather in this movie? In one scene they’re wearing tank tops and in the other they’re wearing coats. What time of year is it? Is it spring? Is it winter? Nobody knows
  • Say, hypothetically you’ve just discovered someone shows undead characteristics. Would you still pursue them? Would you encourage them to follow you into a foggy forest? Would you keep your back turned while confessing to them that you know their secret? Would you tell them you aren’t afraid that they’re a vampire? The correct answer to all of these questions is, of course, no. She’s an idiot, example 3
  • Heaven forbid that the boy sparkles in sunlight … that is the most disappointing lead up of every movie ever made. I’m a disco ball killer. Poor you
  • Bella doesn’t care that he’s killed people before and that he wants to kill her? She just trusts him? What the actual eff? Are all serial killers really just vampires? She has a lot of unwarranted faith that he can control himself around her. She’s an idiot, example 4
  • Maybe if the Cullens had just gotten 6 kids none of this would have happened? Just give Edward someone, that’s clearly all he wants
  • If Edward comes to pick Bella up for school, right after she’s gotten out of bed, how long does he have to stand outside waiting for her to get ready?
  • Nervous about meeting your significant other’s family? Don’t be! Just watch the scene where Bella gets introduced to the Cullens. It’s cringeworthy. Likewise, their first kiss has got to be as bad as anyone else’s, if not worse. Edward literally jumps across the room
  • I can’t say that spidermonkey is a nickname I’ve been hoping to hear in a relationship
  • Imagine how rich we would all be if we didn’t have to spend money on food? No wonder the Cullens are rolling in the dough
  • Could Charlie be a more American father when he meets Edward for the first time? Shotgun next to him, beers on the table, flannel on. Instill some semblance of control
  • When you think baseball, do you also think vampire drama? Me neither, and yet here’s another Twilight gift for all of us. The Cullens just wanted a nice family outdoor outing. Bonding, staying in shape, enjoying the thunderstorm. Enter the rogue vampire clan and their desire to kill Bella
  • I’m no expert, but I don’t think the best way to throw a vampire off your scent is to ruin your relationship with your father? Honesty, I think, would be more ideal here. ‘Hey, dad, FYI, that animal you’ve been chasing is actually a vampire and now they’re after me, how fun!
  • Isn’t the number one rule of hostage negotiations not to negotiate with terrorists? Is that just a TV show rule? Either way, this is on TV and she’s negotiating with a vampire terrorist. And surprise! Her mom isn’t even there who could have seen that coming?
  • Who actually thought that pepper spray would work against a vampire? She’s an idiot, example 5
  • Poor Mimi is going to open up her Dance Studio and have zero idea what happened to all her mirrors and the floor. Pretty sure insurance won’t believe her and she’ll have to pay for all the repairs out of pocket. Sad day for Mimi
  • Bella apparently tripped, fell down 2 flights of stairs, and went through a window at a hotel? And her mom believes this? No. Absolutely not. Her mom is more naive than she is
  • Edward doesn’t want Bella near him because he can’t control himself, but she just screams no and he changes his mind? Is that what I’ve been doing wrong in relationships?
  • Didn’t Bella break her femur? And yet she has a lower leg cast on at prom? Hmmm
  • Is Mike not wondering why all of a sudden Bella is able to make it to prom despite having a non-refundable ticket to Jacksonville for the weekend? He’s still friends with her despite very clearly being friend-zoned and rejected? That’s not real
  • How does Bella still have friends even though she never hangs out with anyone but Edward?
  • There’s a lot of humans in the world. Why can’t James and Victoria just move on already?

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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