MY SPIRIT ANIMAL IS A KANGAROO

Kangaroos do not get enough love. Unless maybe you’re in Australia, but I can’t say for sure since I’m not an Aussie and would just be guessing. Is it a love / hate relationship? Is it more of an exotic fantasy relationship, much like we are with the rarely seen squirrel? Just kidding, squirrels are EVERYWHERE! It’d be more of a rarely seen flip phone kind of fascination. Is it an indifferent kind of relationship? I’m so curious how the Asutralians feel about the one of the most Chuck Norris level animals on the planet.

Clearly I may be a little biased, but I think kangaroos are the number one creature that slaps … or is amazing for everyone over the age of 16, myself included. What is not to love? Other than the occasional dog murder as Google so rudely likes to make appear in the first search result. My guess is that those dogs provoked said kangaroo in some way and I’m 15% positive they were either chihuahuas, or a rottweiler. One size extreme or the other. I have to believe the kangaroo didn’t see some random dog and think to itself ‘today is the day, this dog has got to go’. Unless it’s a psychopath, in which case I would need to rethink my whole concept of animal character traits.

Anyways … back to why kangaroos are super chill and I wish they would make good pets. Let’s start with the obvious. A built in snack pouch. Need I say more? Never again worry about forgetting a coat with big enough pockets for the king size candy bar, or your purse. You can always sneak some snacks around when it’s literally attached to you. And big enough to hold a baby ‘roo too so you could fit some dinner leftovers in there probably. Who’s to say? Endless opportunities to reduce, reuse, and recycle.

Some people are not the snacking type. To which I can confidently say I do not understand. We are not the same. But no worries! Listen, if you would rather do things other than eat, totally great. Second phenomenal trait – power propulsion. I mean, we’ve all been late to something at some point probably. Imagine if your car had a fifth wheel injected with some nitrous to make acceleration easy peasy. Or, if you were running, probably because a bear is chasing you, why else would you be running, and you had a tail that could propel you forward faster, and more efficiently than your legs? You would beat the bear for sure. For sure is probably a bit strong, but you would have a chance.

Those two reasons enough are why I feel a strong spiritual connection with the kangaroo. But alas, not everyone is satisfied so let’s keep going rapid fire style. They’re the closest living relative to the T-Rex. Zero part of that is factual, but look at them. Big legs and tiny arms it just makes sense. Apparently most of them are left handed, which is rare in humans but that means that us right handed pleebs would be the cool unique exceptions among them. A group of them is called a mob and if that alone isn’t intimidating watch me run with my tail pogo stick. Or watch me balance on it while I round kick you in the face – your choice.

It also brings me great joy to know that their children are called joeys. They were gender neutral before it was cool. Joey just also sounds a bit more like the cool kid on the playground than child does. All around, it sounds more fun than child. Child is just so … corporate … while joey is the startup. In a shocking twist, they are also good swimmers so it brings me peace to know that Michael Phelps’ spirit animal is probably also the kangaroo. One of the kangaroo species is the Wallaby and my most comfortable pair of shoes is also the Wallabee. Coincidence? I think not. No other soles are as springy.

Above all these fun kangaroo knowledge bombs, they’re also just super adorable. Up top, they look like rabbits, but down under? Tyrannosaurus rex! Like the mullet of the animal kingdom, if you will. Clearly a progressive species who doesn’t have time to deal with others. Unless forced to do so as in the unfortunate dog scenario. Let them live and they’ll be chill. Unlike say, the hornet who will seek you out just for kicks and giggles. And yet what mascot gets used more?! Clearly the more evil of the two.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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POLLEN IS MY LEAST FAVORITE CAR COLOR

In case you haven’t noticed that the outdoors have been a little more colorful recently, or if you live in a pineapple under the sea, or if you’re allergic to looking out a window – it’s pollen season. The worst of all the seasons. In the midst of the blooming flowers, warmer weather, and upcoming vacations, we have to deal with the cockroach of the spring. A yellow cloud of inevitable allergies. One of the quickest ways to change the color of your car, your outfit, and anything left outside. Pollen. Ugh.

Does anyone like the pollen? Sure, it gives us the beautiful flowers and I guess the bees like to frolic in it, but other than that … it’s kind of the worst. You don’t even have to step outside to see how invasive it is. Just look through the blinds and you can see it everywhere. Everywhere! In the air. On the trees. On the patio furniture. On the cars. On the sidewalk. On people. On pets. On water. In your house. Nothing is safe. You aren’t safe. Your favorite animals aren’t safe. Your things aren’t safe. It is the devil of nature.

Apart from being in all the places, all of the time, for weeks, nothing makes me feel like a smoker than being outside in the pollen storm. Even with our fashionable COVID masks it still somehow gets into my mouth, nose, and throat until I start hacking. Want to run outside in the first traces of warm weather since last year? Good luck not breathing. Oh, you want to stroll through the trails with your dog for some Vitamin D? Be prepared to spend the next several hours hiding so you can cough in peace without fear of being ostracized by all humans for the next 14 days. Trying to relax on your porch after work with some beverages? Enjoy your gin and pollen.

That alone is annoying. Pollen tastes like dirt. It’s not delicious on any spectrum. But that’s just one of the annoying parts. Can we talk about the color of pollen for a second? Is it yellow? Is it green? It’s color neutral, I guess. It wants to be both, although, in neither case is it a beautiful version of the chosen color. It’s a dull yellow and a putrid green. Put that together and it for sure doesn’t equal something I’d like to paint my walls with. Especially when it pools up on some gross, days old, puddle. Then it’s part blue and at that point I’m not even 100% sure it isn’t toxic.

So we have this … what is it even? Powdery substance according to the Wikipedia. Which could mean so many different things. A candy choice. Adult or child. Legal or illegal. Some sort of cleaning product. An ingredient for cooking. Dirt. I mean the options are endless. Anyways, so we have this powdery substance of an undesirable color. And where would you like to see something undesirable end up? Not on your car! It’s even worse than when a bird makes an appearance on your car too because no matter how often you wash it, it never leaves. The bad kind of persistence.

Regardless what color car you drive, during pollen season you drive an off yellow-green mess. And that color pairs well with none of the available colors known to man. Blue car, gray car, white car, green car, black car, etc. It looks bad. Maybe only the yellow cars can pull it off, but who is still driving yellow cars? Unless it’s a Corvette, that is the one kind of acceptable car to be in yellow. But alas, how many of us are driving yellow Corvettes? Even then, the green tint in everyone’s spring enemy throws it off. 

The worst part is that, unlike a nice powdery snow, it doesn’t blow off when you drive. It also doesn’t easily coat your car evenly and it certainly does not provide some semblance of cleaning when coming off. No. It’s splotchy. It’s streaky. It’s permanent. It’s somehow wind resistant. It makes no sense. If the bees love it so much why don’t they just hoard all of it in their hives? Save us. And just when you think you can’t take anymore pollen, it disappears overnight. Here one day, gone the next. I clearly don’t get nature.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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ACCEPTABLE WORKOUT EXCUSES

Have you ever wanted to hate yourself and love yourself at the same time? Do a workout. The warm up sucks, the actual workout is challenging, and the cooldown is a demonic way to delay the finish … but the after effects are addictive. Addictive enough to give you temporary amnesia to forget how much fun you didn’t have during the hard part of exercise. Which, of course, is the exercise itself. What a fun life this is! Get in shape to live longer. Punish yourself to get / stay in shape. Is it enjoyable enough to make the extra years worth it? That feels like a personal decision. 

So why do people workout? I don’t feel qualified to answer that question for all of humanity so let’s pull the scale way down. Why do I workout? Ugh, because food mainly. And also because my doctor keeps not-so-subtly hinting about how great it is for my overall health blah, blah, blah. If we’re being honest with ourselves, though, not everyday is going to be a workout day. Not for recovery purposes. Nope. More from a ‘why cry when I could eat Goldfish, the snack that smiles back, and watch TV’ standpoint. Besides, have you ever wanted to hate yourself and love yourself at the same time? Sit on the couch all day eating snacks.

Regardless of your thoughts on working out, we have all made excuses at some point. Some more “valid” than others, but that’s all dependent on your viewpoint. For example, a valid excuse to skip a workout for Serena Williams is probably not the same as whatever random event you’re using as a way to lay in bed longer. But this is not a post for professional athletes. If you’re getting paid to workout, you and I are not the same and, thus, we do not have the same expectations on consistency.

If you’re gifted in the art of spinning things (AKA the art of BS), you can probably work anything into a legit excuse. If not, well, you may be getting judged by the workout buddy you keep standing up. Being flaky is only a good quality on biscuits, crescent rolls, croissants, and pie crusts. It’s a terrible trait in humans.  Ok, I’m done with my tangent – let’s look at ten of the ways you can get out of a workout in a somewhat valid manner:

I’m Hungry

  • What You Say: ‘I’m low on energy and won’t be able to push myself in the way I was hoping’
  • What You Mean: Food is more valuable to me than your company and picking up heavy things just to put them back down 

It’s Cold / Raining

  • What You Say: ‘I’m getting over a bug and don’t want to push it with the current conditions’
  • What You Mean: I’m lowkey bougie and cannot be getting cold / wet for no good reason. If the weather isn’t precisely between 62 – 75 with low humidity, sunny skies, and a light breeze I’m out

Injury PTSD

  • What You Say: ‘My shoulder has been acting up lately – I want to have a doctor take a look before jumping back into our routine and getting hurt again’
  • What You Mean: Life is too short to be forced to lay on the couch recovering from a sprained ankle. It should be a choice

Working Late

  • What You Say: ‘Today has been insane and I don’t think I’ll be able to log off for another hour or so’
  • What You Mean: Dinner is my priority and, while there’s enough time for both, I’m choosing food over you

Out of Town

  • What You Say: ‘Ah, dang, I’m out of town – sad to be missing it, though’
  • What You Mean: I’m conveniently unavailable due to circumstances

Dead Phone

  • What You Say: ‘Sorry, I left my charger at home and my phone died so I’m just now seeing this’
  • What You Mean: I saw your text and chose to ignore it until it was too late to respond

No Clean Clothes

  • What You Say: ‘I can’t today, unfortunately – left my clothes at home’
  • What You Mean: I actively don’t keep enough workout clothing options for times like this when jeans simply won’t do

My Dog / Kids / Roommates

  • What You Say: ‘My dog / kid / roommate is having an emergency that I need to deal with immediately’
  • What You Mean: I’m important, I have priorities, I’m responsible for someone else’s happiness and also my own, which is why it’s a no from me

Misinformed

  • What You Say: ‘I figured you meant 6PM, not 6AM – my fault for not clarifying’
  • What You Mean: When you said work out, I heard work’s out and added early so go home to celebrate with alcohol and food

Just Don’t Want To

  • What You Say: ‘I don’t think today is going to work for me, unfortunately’
  • What You Mean: No. Just no

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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THINGS THAT ARE OUT OF STOCK, BUT SHOULDN’T BE

For all the aliens that recently arrived on Earth, we are (still) in the middle of a pandemic. A pandemic that over 6 months ago everyone thought would disappear with a 14 day recommended stay at home order. Not a quarantine. No strict enforcement. No accurate timeline on when things would be back to normal. No real initiative from leadership. No clear decision. Blah, blah, blah we all have feelings. We’ve all probably voiced those at some point, or other. It is what it is now. Many moons later we’re still confused on when masks will stop being a fashionable accessory to everyone’s outfit. Apparently, we are also still confused on purchasing patterns.

In case you missed the memo, toilet paper and paper towels are back in stock! Yay! That was a stressful time for everyone. But, thankfully we’ve managed to get through it and can now enjoy the go once more (as long as your toilet is UP TO THE CHALLENGE). I’m not sure if living in a constant state of unstocked panic is our main takeaway from the past few months, but it sure seems to be on the forefront of people’s minds. Hoarding habits are still going strong and for, honestly, some very strange items. Certain products are pretty much indefinitely out of stock, but shouldn’t be. And I have thoughts on all of them:

Furniture (Couches, Tables, Chairs, Bedroom Suites, etc.)

We’re all home more so we probably all realized that not all of our furniture is top of the line. I’m all for upgrading the zen in your room flow, but why the rush on couches specifically? Why are none of those available to order until November? Where are the furniture makers?

Office Supplies (Monitors, Laptops, Webcams, Desks, Desk Chairs, Printers, etc.)

Of all things on the list, this makes the most sense. The scramble for the remote office was real. Was. It’s been forever now, how has this not been restocked? These companies are missing lots of potential sales.

Electronics (TVs, Nintendo Switch, etc.)

To binge watch like a pro, obviously! Nintendo Switches have been MIA since the beginning, though. Why? Because why social distance with friends processing turnips in Animal Planet when you could have a video call and actually speak to them?

Fitness Equipment (Weights, Bikes, Yoga Mats, etc.)

Frankly, this being out of stock is unacceptable. There was a toilet paper-esque rush on this stuff. Much like the gym in January, though, most of it is now just sitting in the corner needing so much more than dusting. Bring back the fitness equipment for the love of all good things! 

Lawn Chairs

Is it so you can attend outdoor church services? Where are all the lawn chairs? Is everyone now a camping hobbyist? This feels like an interesting thing to not only be out of, but also to not be able to restock. Is the demand really that high?

Bakeware

When you can’t workout, why not bake more?! Seems counterintuitive, but it is comfort food and food seems to be the only consistency now-a-days. Watch out Food Network, your submissions are about to jump way up!

Dish Wands

What were people using before? Just the plain old simpleton sponge? Why are these not able to get back in circulation, either? Are they in demand at the hospitals? Are they in demand on football sidelines? This makes negative sense.

Paper Plates

Why? Simply why? How many people need paper plates at this moment? What’s wrong with the regular, reusable ones? 

Water Filters

Not sure how this is preventative against the current plague. It’s not coming from your tap water. Britas have always been plentiful, but throw a deadly cold into the mix and all of a sudden the inner boug comes out of everyone.

Soda Streams

Wut? Were these popular before? Buy some La Croix and call it a day.

Diced Tomatoes

Again, wut? No other vegetable is in short supply. But randomly diced tomatoes have gone underground? Not regular tomatoes, or stewed tomatoes, or peeled tomatoes, no no. Diced tomatoes have been overtaken by the -VID.

Yeast

Bread is not in short supply. Why spend hours making your own when you could pay a few dollars for someone else to do it for you? This feels inefficient.

Bidets

So, toilet paper is back in stock. If you enjoy the terrifying rush that is a water stream up your butt, though, then by all means continue with your life. I’m not here to judge. Welp, I take that back, how are so many people buying these they’re out of stock?

Hair Dye

Who are you trying to look good for? Let’s talk about the last time I wore a non-sweats outfit … it’s been a minute. Maybe you’ll like your natural color? Give it a shot – if not, there’s still plenty of time to reverse course.

Coins

I didn’t realize people still paid in cash, and coins, to be very honest. We’re a plastic world. In money and in our bodies. Let it happen. Then this won’t be an issue anymore!

Do some of these items shock you? Do some of them make sense to you? Are you currently sitting on boxes of hair dye or stray yoga mats about to cash in on your get rich quick scheme? Well, good for you for being in the know. As someone who tends to not hoard and trust the manufacturing system, I’ll continue living my will it / won’t it be in stock life like a muggle. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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WHY I PRACTICE YOGA

In case you’ve never opened an Internet browser ever, yoga has kind of taken over the world. It’s a huge buzzword in the fitness community, but its benefits impact all aspects of your life. With literally zero effort and preparation you can knock out a quick yoga sesh anytime, anywhere, with anyone, wearing anything. There are no rules to it, which is probably part of the appeal. I guess the only rule is to focus on your breathing and the mind, body, soul connection. But who would really know if you opted to daydream about all the vacations you’re going to crank out once our American travel ban is lifted by the rest of the world.

Like with most good things, there are critics who have “concerns” about the actual energy expenditure to physical toning equation and are “skeptical” of the health benefits. And thus you get a couple of different mindsets on the matter. The yogis, who are not only invested in practicing the yoga techniques, but are passionate about teaching others and spreading the word. The post-workout yoga stretchers, who see the benefits and like to supplement other, more intense workouts, with a good re-centering exercise to finish off. The yoga is the exercise devil group, who are very vocal about their dislike for everything yoga related and find joy in tearing yogis away from their one true love.

Feels a bit extreme, doesn’t it? I fall in the middle group, but would like to ride the yoga mat levels up to yogi. Everytime I practice yoga, I feel my stress disappear, my anxiety relieves itself for the time being, my energy levels spike, and overall my quality of life improves. It’s also a great way to protect myself against future injury. Not to humble brag or anything, but I’m kind of a yoga stud. I’m an absolute pro at yoga. Not everyone has mastered it in the way that I have. No mat needed. No awkward animal positions that are supposedly relaxing, but really just point out all the ways you aren’t remotely flexible. No overpriced leggings – any outfit will do. Did I lose you? Yo, ga to the next paragraph and catch my drift.

It’s a simple principle, really. Find someone near you and send them where you were supposed to go. Like so:

  • Yo, ga to the store and get me some cookies
  • Yo, ga get me a second round – G&T, keep it classy
  • Yo, ga to the DMV and renew my license
  • Yo, ga to my meeting and take good notes – I have a presentation tomorrow
  • Yo, ga to my significant other’s house and take them a thinking of you present
  • Yo, ga to my fridge and make me a sandwich – throw some veggies on the side for health
  • Yo, ga outside and wash my car
  • Yo, ga to the gym for me – bring me back a you’ve earned it milkshake on your way home

See? Simple. Efficient. Realistic. Zero stress. Minimal anxiety. More energy. No injuries. Hard to get injured when you don’t put yourself in situations, after all. I wish all the nonsense articles online would stop promoting actual stretching, or exercise. Fake news. It’s a mindset. It’s an action. It’s a delegation. It’s living your best life. Success outcomes do tend to vary, though. Usually between ‘lol, you got jokes’ and ‘you thought’. I’m holding out hope that continued effort will eventually break through. TBD. Until then, keep bird dogging like no one is watching.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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SIDEWALK RULES: WALK RIGHT, PASS LEFT

In case anyone forgot, it’s 2020. That means it’s been 150 years since the first sidewalk was paved in America. Why is there not a centennial golden jubilee celebration planned anywhere for this?! I’m a bit disappointed honestly. Whatever, it’s fine. I will move on with my life. Maybe I’ll go outside and draw a chalk cake on the ground. But with the candles that just have the numbers on them – you know, the cheater candles. The product invented so someone didn’t have to math before a party. That’s why your cake just has two candles to spell out your age and not one for each year. Take it personally. If they really cared about you they would have taken the time to count out each year you’ve been alive.

Sidewalks probably don’t have feelings like humans do. They probably don’t feel sad when someone forgets their birthday. Someone who uses them constantly and never acknowledges their worth. Just stomps all over them without so much as a thank you. *Probably*. We don’t know. Supposedly plants have feelings, so why can’t concrete? Or brick? Or pavement? I, for one, care about the sensitive side of our sidewalks. Specifically where they may be caving in a bit so I know where not to step and blow something small into a big issue. I don’t need to twist an ankle and miss a week of adult soccer. My whole social life would be in disarray. 

Kind of like the confusion that happens when a sidewalk abuser doesn’t follow the one rule necessary to participate on said piece of concrete. Surely, you know what rule this is. It’s the same rule that is in place on pavement all over the country. One that everyone can (mostly) follow while operating a motorized vehicle. Frustratingly, though, when you take someone out of a machine and have them use their own legs, or some sort of leg powered transportation method, all chaos breaks loose. Walk right, pass left.

WALK RIGHT, PASS LEFT! This should not be new information. And yet, it still seems to confuse people. A lot like when you try driving the wrong way down a one way street, but with less judgement, or consequences. Which is a shame. I think I should be able to file an insurance claim if you come at me, when I’m on the right side and you’re walking on the left, and I spill my smoothie because we both refuse to move.

While that is obviously the golden rule, it is not the only rule. Like pretty much everything else in life. Another good one, almost as important, is not to take up the entire space when walking in a group. Just because you have friends, and want to flaunt it to nature, or the road, doesn’t mean you get priority. Since sidewalk width is variable, you are allowed to take up the following amount of space:

(Sidewalk Width / Number of People in Group) * 0 + 1

One. You get one human sized space. What if the sidewalk is popular? What if it’s foot traffic rush hour? What if there’s non foot traffic present? So many things that make taking up too much space downright dangerous. If you wanted to talk to someone, do it somewhere safer. And with less rules. Like a bench maybe. Or a couch. Or a table at a restaurant. Or on your phone. The one exception to this overpopulation rule is clearly dogs. Not cats. If there is a cat on a leash it better be in your people bubble.

Dogs can account for an extra two human sized spaces. Since they have hearts sized twice as big as one human. Simple math. Simple logic. These should be carved in stone at every possible entrance to every sidewalk, and trail, in the world. A manageable task really. If we can’t get walking right, where does that really leave us on more challenging tasks? Like driving. In a constant chicken with our heads cut off state. Perpetual deer in the headlights confusion. Don’t be that person. Imagine you’re driving yourself down the sidewalk. And for goodness sake look before you swerve out into the middle to pass someone.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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WHY DO I WORK OUT? TO EAT MORE…OBVIOUSLY

Working out is an experience, not really sure how else to put that. It can be super intimidating because of the old-schoolers who still believe in the NO PAIN, NO GAIN mentality despite all of the research out there proving otherwise. Those people need to go somewhere else, preferably not at my gym. Maybe try some backyard “challenge” course your buddy built himself? Or, I don’t know, Crossfit? Better yet, create your own little niche franchise because we definitely are NOT oversaturated there yet.

If you’ve ever been to the gym, you’ve most likely realized the great divide that exists. Gymism, as I like to refer to it. There’s the weights area and then there’s the cardio section. And would you believe that those areas house very, very, very different kinds of exercisers?! Well, even if you don’t believe me it’s the truth so jump on board sailor. I can’t forget about the game courts where all the kids get stored while their parents suffer upstairs, but that’s more of a happy accident than an actual, conscious exclusion.

I’m all for staying in your lane in certain areas (ONLINE DATING, though, am I right?!), but at the gym I like to switch it up. Balance is key in any routine – diet and exercise, strength and cardio. Listen, if you missed the title of this post, I hate to spoil it in the middle but it is most certainly NOT about balancing your diet. However, it’s hard to do that when a wall of literal human Hulks are blocking the free weights. On the flip side, it’s hard for these unnecessarily ripped humans to fit within the treadmill arms and do anything less than an hour-long intensive sprint workout sans judgement.

So what do you do? Pick a side forever and either be jacked or toned? Be destined to run endless miles or do endless curls? No! I would have thought as my reader base you’d be slightly more creative than this! Forget the gym and all their judgement (and their monthly payments). Buy a good pair of running shoes, get a handful of weights and use the most powerful tool anyone on Earth has – the Internet.

Anywho, we’ve gotten over the workout portion of this post. Step 1 (in case it was unclear): workout. Step 2: eat like a wrestler who just came off a weigh-in and has 24 hours to gain all the lost weight back. Can we take a quick detour? Wrestlers…just why? What is appealing? You have to run in FULL SWEATS and frequently fast to drop a bunch of weight quickly just so you can stuff your face to gain it back. Then, because that might sound pleasant to some, you put on what can only best be described as the male bikini, and have very intimate contact with another person in public. While getting aggressively punched, put in uncomfortable positions, etc. Who invented this sport? No, more importantly, how is it still popular?! Personally, I don’t see the appeal in any of the above but maybe I’m the odd one here.

Alright, so the best part of working out is obviously getting to eat afterwards. And what do you get to eat? Whatever the hell you want! You freaking earned that! Did you do strength? Earned it! Did you go for a run (distance irrelevant)? Definitely earned it! Did you walk up the stairs today (number of stairs irrelevant)? You, my friend, earned it! Did you put all of the grocery bags on one arm to just take one trip in? Yes, that also counts! Earning it is easy, why don’t more people participate in this?!

My point here is that I may have an unhealthy obsession with food. Hmmm that’s interesting and also not something I want to press into with my anonymous Internet fam so…my (new) main point is this: TREAT YOURSELF! If I did a workout, then denied myself the third slice of cake, what was even the purpose of working out?! Pretty sure I heard that calories after a workout don’t count. Could have come from my own head, but either way that sounds pretty freaking great to me. Dieticians everywhere are melting at this, I’m sure. The actual health nuts may be having mini-crises but I do not care. Living my best life…after my workout clearly because the build up is honestly something I would prefer to do without.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who also believes that food is the sole motivation for physical activity then please share this with them! Maybe we can start some sort of support group for surviving the workout portion of the equation. Thanks for reading!


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SWIVEL CHAIRS ARE THE SLICED BREAD OF OFFICE FURNITURE

Think about your job for a second. I know, I’m sorry to take you there, but play along. Trust me. Now, think about your office building – specifically your desk. What do you love about your desk? Is it the pictures of your friends/family that prove you have a life when you leave the building? Is it the holiday decorations that you refuse to take down because who says you can’t have a cheerful spirit all year? Is it the snack stash that you have for “stressful” times (AKA, every second of every minute of every hour of the work day)? Is it the dividers blocking you from having to actually *gasp* talk to your co-workers?

Sure, those things are all fine. But think more superficially and less emotionally. Think about your desk chair. Are you blessed with a swivel chair? Then you, my friend, are blessed enough! Swivel chairs are my favorite part of the office. Arguably, my favorite invention. Who doesn’t love a good swivel chair?! Monsters, that’s who.

Are there crappy swivel chairs out there? Sure. There’s crappy cars, crappy phones, crappy streaming services, crappy memes, crappy tacos. And yet, we still have a deep connection with all of those things, yes? When you eat a taco that is not your favorite, you don’t go back to that place. You find a better taco joint. When you see a mediocre meme, you keep reading through memes until you find one you can’t stop laughing at. When your streaming service decides to drop the handful of channels you actually watch, you cancel your subscription and level up to a better one.

Same concept with your desk chair. Not all swivel chairs are created equally – I’ll be the first to admit that. Which is why I keep stealing my old chair back when they “upgrade” us to whatever new and innovative seat someone found on the Internet. They can hide it wherever they want, I will find it. That’s how much I like my chair. For the amount of time I’m forced to sit in it, I better LOVE it! So if you don’t love where you’re sitting, find out who in the office is in charge of rear comfort and make fast friends with them. Then ask to be leveled up. Or find a desk with a chair you enjoy, work late one day, casually roll yourself over there, stand up, then accidentally sit back down in the better chair, and roll away.

I’m a self-proclaimed chair testing pro, I can sit in a chair and know immediately whether or not it’s going to bring me comfort or sadness during my time in it. Have you ever gone to an office supply store and just tested out every chair option they have? No? Well that’s why you sit in a chair of disappointment. Because you don’t know what you’re missing. And that makes me sad. A good chair can change your work life. Well…ok, maybe not completely, but it will at least make you happy to sit down.

Now that we all have a blissful place to sit at work, let’s talk about how amazing of a thing swiveling truly is. Have you ever thought about how cool this is? Like really, truly thought about it? Probably not, but I forgive you because I tend to go deep into the details of the most basic things – thus this blog. Need a break from staring at your computer? Don’t get up, simply turn away. Need to ask your co-worker, who sits behind you and always has headphones on, something? Don’t get up, simply turn around and get their attention. Need a quick workout because you’ve skipped the gym sesh for the past couple of years? Don’t get up, simply lift your feet off the floor and use those abdominals to twist from side to side! Need a distraction in your meeting because, you know, meetings? Don’t get up (that’s rude), simply focus on the calming motion of moving in a circle.

Endless opportunities for fun. So the next time you’re having a hard time finding something to look forward to at work, might I suggest your chair? If your company is not progressive and all the chairs are immovable, it might be time to find a job with people not stuck in the last century. I mean, outside of kitchens I didn’t realize static chairs were still “in”. Seems like a waste of office furniture potential.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you have a swivel chair and have never been thankful for it, today’s a good day for that. If you don’t have a good swivel chair, find someone who does, and permanently borrow it from them. Thanks for reading!


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IF PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY, THE GYM HAS TAUGHT ME I HAVE ZERO STRENGTH

‘You know it was a good workout when you can’t feel your legs the next day’ – all the fitness gurus. ‘If I can’t feel my legs, that seems like a serious medical condition’ – Me

Pain is weakness leaving the body. Who came up with that phrase?! What weakness are you removing? Are there no other ways to get stronger? This seems like a backwards mentality – if you workout until you are in pain, then yes, eventually you’ll get stronger after you fully heal. On the other hand, if you push yourself without crossing the pain threshold, you’ll wake up feeling normal and will be able to do another workout…the very next day. Not 4-6 weeks later.

I mean sure, DOMS is satisfying (if you don’t know what DOMS is, it stands for Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness), but soreness is the key word here. This isn’t DOMP for a reason. Pushing through pain leads to injury which leads to recovery AKA time spent on the couch doing little physical activity, but still eating like you’re training for the Olympics. (because we’re Americans and have ZERO CONTROL).

Can we all also agree that this statement is rude as hell?! What about all the workout beginners who are just in pain because working out is THE WORST and, if you have taken any extended amount of time off, you know that it will all hurt for a while. Just because life thinks it’s funny I guess. ‘Oh you want to be healthy and live longer? I’m going to make you work, suffer, and cry for it’ – Life. ‘Oh you want to be happy, comfortable, and pain free? I’m going to make sure your metabolism disappears and that just thinking about eating will make you gain weight’ – also Life.

Is that why yoga is so popular now? You can “work out” and feel like you didn’t do anything. I don’t want to get into my opinions on yoga…don’t feel a need to drive away mass amounts of readers for no real reason. All I’ll say, is that I believe yoga is a great supplement to other physical activities. I’m not a yogi, if you couldn’t tell. I’ve never felt good after a yoga workout, though, which is probably the reason. The instructors always tell me to stretch deeper which is PAINFUL because my flexibility leaves a lot to be desired if I’m honest. And, in case you missed the point of this post, pain is NOT what I’m aiming for.

Pilates I like. Barre should not even be considered a low impact workout – I didn’t know there were so many muscles in my butt that could hurt so bad. I’ve iced my a** one time and I’ve done a Barre workout one time. Coincidence? 100%! That was one of those workouts I had to take constant breaks from…at a random point during an exercise and not during designated water breaks. I also shed several tears.

Running is weird because jogging is considered low impact, but running is high impact? I’m as confused as you are with that sentence, but it’s actually true (Google it, I dare you). What’s the difference between running and jogging? I still haven’t figured that out because all knowing Google describes jogging as a pace that allows one to maintain a conversation…it also describes running (other than full on sprinting) as conversational pace. I’m about as lost as I was in every history class ever. Whole different topic though, let’s not even touch that right now.

So, Restless Professional, how am I supposed to stay physically active without finding myself in pain?’ – You, the reader. Cycling then? Rowing? Stairmaster? Horizontal running? You do you – there’s lots of options out there. For clarification, I never claimed to be a fitness expert. Merely an opinionated person who doesn’t believe in the pain for gains mentality. I like being able to walk without waddling and not having my co-workers judge my assumed personal life decisions. You know what they say about assumptions Karen?! They make an a** out of you…also me I think but that part seems irrelevant here. And we’ve entered another quote rabbit hole.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you are someone who also actively avoids pain then we are twinning hard core and you should share this with them. Brag about that to your peers. Thanks for reading!


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I FREQUENTLY COMPLETE MARATHONS…BINGE WATCHING MARATHONS

Marathon runners confuse me. Actually, runners in general confuse me. I’ve done my fair share of running and can’t say that I find it enjoyable. Every time I have to go for a run, I try to find a GOOD EXCUSE to get out of it. With all the different options available for cardio, it’s not my top choice. Or even in my top few choices. It hurts my knees.

Running a 5K is hard – that’s why there’s so many couch to 5K training plans out there. Because it isn’t easy. Anything past that is pure torture. Why run 6.2, 10, or 13.1 miles when you could just not? You could just choose to bike, or swim, or stair step, or use an elliptical, or do strength training, or HIIT, or literally ANYTHING else! And those are just the tip of the running iceberg.

I don’t even like driving 26.2 miles as that is just a long ways. So why on Earth would I want to run that distance? Spoiler alert: I do not. For the elite, that takes what, 2 hours? 2 HOURS! OF RUNNING! WITHOUT A BREAK! I couldn’t even tell you the last time I ran for 2 hours in a week, let alone at one time. But that’s the elite – it takes normal people much longer.

In case it wasn’t clear, I am not a marathon runner. I am, however, great at binge-watching marathons. Put me in front of a TV for 2 hours and I don’t even blink (not actually because that seems highly unnatural, but you get the point). The invention of auto-play is the best, most unhealthy thing that has graced the streaming empires.

Although, I’m not a fan of the Netflix troll. “Are you still watching?” Take your judgement somewhere else. Yes, I am still watching. Have you noticed that the amount of episodes you can watch before that message comes up has shortened? It used to be 6, but now after 4 in a row it gets sassy. Maybe it’s part of the initiative to encourage physical activity…like running. Or maybe it’s just a way of encouraging you to do survival things like eat, drink, use the bathroom, find a window to see the outdoors, etc.

Maybe I tend to be more prepared than most people. If I know it’s about to be a long night with me, my feelings, and some (hopefully) decent television, I put snack options and at least two drinks on the table in front of me. Then I cocoon myself in a blanket, curl into the smallest possible ball that I can (it’s almost like a challenge between me and myself now), and make sure I can reach everything without moving. I’m not an animal though, I do pause when needed for bio breaks. So there’s no need to ask if I’m still watching. I will tell YOU when I’m done…don’t worry about me.

Internet trolling is a fun topic to dissect, but that’s not the point of this post so I will withhold the rest of my sentiments there. Personally, I believe that everyone can be a binge-watching champ. There’s a streaming service for everyone (you can find out which one I like best in THIS POST). Almost as if Oprah went to the TV world offices and was like “You know what? Monopolizing this market seems unfair. So, Amazon – you get a streaming service! Disney – you get a streaming service! YouTube – you get a streaming service! Apple – you get a streaming service! EVERYONE GETS A STREAMING SERVICE!

Sometimes I walk into my office and adapt this giving mentality. Melissa – you get one of my tasks! Joe – you get to finish one of my projects! Karen – you get to buy me lunch today! Nathan – you get to have the one-on-one with my manager! EVERYONE GETS TO DO MY WORK TODAY! Surprisingly, I have yet to experience the same amount of overwhelming thanks that Oprah always seems to receive…most curious. I feel like I say it the exact same way with very different results.

Long story short, anyone can be a marathoner. Maybe not a physical marathoner, but horizontal running is a thing thanks to Fat Amy. So sit that hiney on the couch, prep with all the necessary fluids, carbs, and proteins in an easy to reach place, get your hydration station ready, and click that power button on the remote.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who enjoys running, give them that look that says “What’s wrong with you?”. Then continue to not torture yourself and instead, enjoy yourself. Thanks for reading!


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