I JUST REWATCHED TWILIGHT AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

Have you ever sat at home on a cold, rainy day and thought to yourself ‘wow, I’m basically in a Twilight movie’? Me neither, but when the weather sets the mood, you have to just go with the flow. Full disclosure: I’m not really a Twilight saga fan. Pretty much not a fan of anything that deems itself a saga because we all know that saga and drama go hand in hand. Anyways, I decided to rewatch the start of all our vampire fantasies and I have so many shiny questions and observations:

  • Could it start in a more depressing way? ‘I’ve never given much thought to how I would die, but dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go’ as a deer gets chased and murdered. Also Bella is moving from Phoenix to Washington – sunny to rainy I mean come on
  • Nice little Southwest plug at the beginning. No assigned seating and bags fly free – is this foreshadowing of some kind? Probably considering the Cullens sit wherever they want while flying and they don’t take bags
  • The city of Forks is the size of a high school, and yet there’s people everywhere. At all hours of the day. All days of the week
  • Do you know any fathers who play fight with each other in the middle of the street while their kids get acquainted? No? Well that’s how Bella and Jacob meet! They’re adult men. Play fighting in the street. One of them is in a wheelchair. What even is this scene?
  • What’s the best way to stand out at a new school? Roll up in an old rusted truck
  • Let’s talk about character names: Bella Swan – elegant, delicate, clearly fragile and in need of a man. Jacob Black – mysterious, dark, and clearly an antagonist. Edward Cullen – sophisticated, strong, smart, rich and clearly looking to protect someone
  • Is there a male character in this film that isn’t in love with Bella? That’s realistic, thanks again Hollywood for setting expectations
  • Does anyone else think that the Cullens are actually just a cult? They “adopt” children, encourage relationships among them, and convince them that they’re vampires who kill creatures and drink blood for nourishment
  • What does Bella see in Edward? He’s only a solid 6, has an accent that changes throughout the movie, and has a staring problem. What a stud. She’s an idiot, example 1
  • Um, the car “accident” scene … let’s break that down: everyone makes a big deal out of Tyler almost hitting Bella with his car. Maybe if Bella didn’t just hang out in parking lots with her headphones in this wouldn’t have happened. Also, why does no one care about the giant dent in Tyler’s van? Since he didn’t hit anything with his passenger door? Another thing, Charlie’s reaction is way overkill – ‘you can kiss your license goodbye’, calm down, sir, your daughter is fine
  • What public high school has a salad bar? 
  • Is everyone in town a good liar? Or only the vampires and the wolves?
  • When you Google something, do you scroll past all the top hits to find an actual book to go buy and hope it contains the information you need? No and yet Bella searches for Quileute legends and her first choice from the Google results is to go buy a book #lies
  • Of all cars to roll up in to save your girl from a bunch of horny men, a Volvo would not be in my top 10 options. Also, this is Forks, WA, not Fury Road – someone should re-administer Edward’s driving test
  • A list of major red flags that Bella ignores: someone who says they can read minds, someone who willingly admits to stalking you, someone who likes to give vagues answers when asked questions about their behaviors, someone with no friends, someone who comes across as super rude constantly, someone who doesn’t wear a seatbelt while driving, and someone who admits they’re a vampire. She’s an idiot, example 2
  • What on Earth is the weather in this movie? In one scene they’re wearing tank tops and in the other they’re wearing coats. What time of year is it? Is it spring? Is it winter? Nobody knows
  • Say, hypothetically you’ve just discovered someone shows undead characteristics. Would you still pursue them? Would you encourage them to follow you into a foggy forest? Would you keep your back turned while confessing to them that you know their secret? Would you tell them you aren’t afraid that they’re a vampire? The correct answer to all of these questions is, of course, no. She’s an idiot, example 3
  • Heaven forbid that the boy sparkles in sunlight … that is the most disappointing lead up of every movie ever made. I’m a disco ball killer. Poor you
  • Bella doesn’t care that he’s killed people before and that he wants to kill her? She just trusts him? What the actual eff? Are all serial killers really just vampires? She has a lot of unwarranted faith that he can control himself around her. She’s an idiot, example 4
  • Maybe if the Cullens had just gotten 6 kids none of this would have happened? Just give Edward someone, that’s clearly all he wants
  • If Edward comes to pick Bella up for school, right after she’s gotten out of bed, how long does he have to stand outside waiting for her to get ready?
  • Nervous about meeting your significant other’s family? Don’t be! Just watch the scene where Bella gets introduced to the Cullens. It’s cringeworthy. Likewise, their first kiss has got to be as bad as anyone else’s, if not worse. Edward literally jumps across the room
  • I can’t say that spidermonkey is a nickname I’ve been hoping to hear in a relationship
  • Imagine how rich we would all be if we didn’t have to spend money on food? No wonder the Cullens are rolling in the dough
  • Could Charlie be a more American father when he meets Edward for the first time? Shotgun next to him, beers on the table, flannel on. Instill some semblance of control
  • When you think baseball, do you also think vampire drama? Me neither, and yet here’s another Twilight gift for all of us. The Cullens just wanted a nice family outdoor outing. Bonding, staying in shape, enjoying the thunderstorm. Enter the rogue vampire clan and their desire to kill Bella
  • I’m no expert, but I don’t think the best way to throw a vampire off your scent is to ruin your relationship with your father? Honesty, I think, would be more ideal here. ‘Hey, dad, FYI, that animal you’ve been chasing is actually a vampire and now they’re after me, how fun!
  • Isn’t the number one rule of hostage negotiations not to negotiate with terrorists? Is that just a TV show rule? Either way, this is on TV and she’s negotiating with a vampire terrorist. And surprise! Her mom isn’t even there who could have seen that coming?
  • Who actually thought that pepper spray would work against a vampire? She’s an idiot, example 5
  • Poor Mimi is going to open up her Dance Studio and have zero idea what happened to all her mirrors and the floor. Pretty sure insurance won’t believe her and she’ll have to pay for all the repairs out of pocket. Sad day for Mimi
  • Bella apparently tripped, fell down 2 flights of stairs, and went through a window at a hotel? And her mom believes this? No. Absolutely not. Her mom is more naive than she is
  • Edward doesn’t want Bella near him because he can’t control himself, but she just screams no and he changes his mind? Is that what I’ve been doing wrong in relationships?
  • Didn’t Bella break her femur? And yet she has a lower leg cast on at prom? Hmmm
  • Is Mike not wondering why all of a sudden Bella is able to make it to prom despite having a non-refundable ticket to Jacksonville for the weekend? He’s still friends with her despite very clearly being friend-zoned and rejected? That’s not real
  • How does Bella still have friends even though she never hangs out with anyone but Edward?
  • There’s a lot of humans in the world. Why can’t James and Victoria just move on already?

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD JUMP OUT FROM BEHIND A TREE WITH A CHAINSAW AND CHASE ME

Fall is just the best. The leaves change colors, it gets colder (helllloooo flannel weather), football season is in full swing, pumpkin lives everywhere and in everything, desserts become the main food group, Thanksgiving is coming – what is not to love?! That was a rhetorical question for all you readers out there right now thinking one, or more, of the following:

  • I hate the cold, I’d rather it be so hot I can’t tell the difference between the inside of my car and an oven
  • Flannel makes me look like a lumberjack and buttons are for The Pussycat Dolls, not real adults 
  • Pumpkin is the worst food and I hate all pumpkin tasting things
  • Football is confusing, sports are dumb, I wish that schools would do away with athletics and invest the money in useful things like underwater basket-weaving
  • The leaves don’t change color, they die! And then I have to rake and rake and rake and rake and rake and rake and rake and rake them out of my yard
  • I’m on a diet and I don’t “dessert” right now
  • Thanksgiving is just an excuse for our country to get fatter and spend all their money on things they don’t need

Alright all you negative Nancys, gloomy Gregs, cynical Cindys, and pessimistic Petes – I don’t know who threw you into a leaf pile as a child and left you there, without a jacket on, to cry all cold and alone, but I am not here for it. Therapists get paid a lot of money to listen to your traumatizing stories … and last I checked, I am not a therapist. Nor do I even pretend to be, so I’m going to need you to take your sad sack self somewhere else. Or at least fake your happiness for the next few minutes.

Quick tangent (that should make you doubters smile, or at least twitch one side of your mouth slightly): pumpkins belong to the same food family as cucumbers and squash. Get ready for this: it’s the cucurbita family! What a fun word! It’s latin for gourd – also a fun word, but not as freaking fantastic as CUCURBITA. Sounds like an adult beverage … I’ll take one cucurbita margarita, por favor señorita.

Anyways, so we have Fall – this wonderful, magical time of year. Yet, like many (almost) perfect things, there’s always that one little head-scratching quirk you could do without. Enter Halloween – the actual devil’s holiday where we aim to frighten people (of all ages, mind you, because evil doesn’t discriminate) with the most awful, horrific, terrifying creatures and actions we can think of. Nothing is off limits apparently, because it’s the one time of year where vicious acts of violence are not only fantasized on television, but actively praised by audiences.

‘What a great movie, my favorite part was when the killer MURDERED EVERYONE!’ 

‘That movie scared the crap out of me! Especially when the possessed child ripped out the doctor’s throat and MURDERED EVERYONE!’ 

‘I love horror movies because the characters make terrible decisions and EVERYONE GETS MURDERED!’

‘I want to dress up as the grim reaper this year. I really admire his ability to effectively MURDER EVERYONE!’

You sick, demented, souls. How can you like that? Your idea of fun is watching a movie depicting one of the worst sins of all time, and you want to be scared while doing that?! Call me crazy, but I like sleeping peacefully at night. Without thoughts like: ‘I hope the zombie isn’t hiding under my bed waiting to spread the killer plague to me’ or ‘I hope that the loose serial killer isn’t standing behind my shower curtain waiting to end me’ or ‘I hope that there isn’t someone with a chainsaw standing behind this flickering street light waiting to chase me to my death’.

Ugh, Halloween is not for me and I was over it a long, long time ago. Is the candy good? Yes, but I’m an adult now and can simply walk into a safe, well-lit, Target on a Saturday morning and purchase as many bags of Reese’s Pumpkins as I wish (ok, well, actually, only like 3 because they’re expensive and I’m not trying to drop $50 on chocolate). I’m not ashamed, I’ll own it, I’m a bit of a wimp. I get scared way too easily as it is in normal life, I don’t need an extra reason to have a minor heart attack. Judge me all you want – I’m the one safely inside with my three bags of Reese’s watching a feel good Christmas movie while you’re out there running for your life, hoping chainsaw boy isn’t faster than you.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone, or are that someone, who loves Halloween, I highly doubt we would ever be good friends because how could I trust you? Your idea of a good time is enjoying life’s creepiest creatures from the deep, dark depths of hell. Hard pass from me, but thanks for reading!


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