FLOWER NAMES NEED A PROTEIN SHAKE

If there’s one thing that everyone knows, it’s that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Round out the possy with chocolate and flowers and you’ve got yourself a clique. A clique who wears pink on Wednesdays. And where there’s a clique, there’s a group of outcasts. Who are not allowed to wear pink on Wednesdays lest they be smited with a look from the queen of the clique herself that will render anyone friendless for all eternity. The outcasts in this scenario would clearly be all other apology presents. Including, but not limited to, fish, books, cake, your time, center court NBA tickets, and succulents (seriously, why is this still A TREND?!).

Not really sure where I was going with that analogy but get in loser, we’re going shopping! Shopping for flowers that is. What even is happening with flower names? Clearly they were named by dinosaurs who felt that only half of the humans were allowed to receive them as a socially acceptable gift. How do I know this? Well, it’s October 3rd. And on October 3rd, he asked me what day it was. If you’ve never seen the movie Mean Girls, this post may feel confusing to you. I think that it’s best to pause here for exactly 97 minutes and catch up socially to all of the millennials living in the world today. 

You go, Glen Coco! Welcome back! You wanna do something fun? Wanna go to Taco Bell? First, this should never be a question. If someone ever simply asked me if I wanted to do something fun, there’s a good chance IHOP or Taco Bell would immediately pop into my mind. What’s more fun than all you can eat pancakes, “bean” burritos, and poor decisions? Nothing. I literally can think of nothing. Except, of course, mocking the biological genera of flowers. Starting off strong with genera instead of genus like the cool things of the world. She doesn’t even go here! In my, professional, opinion, flower genera can be broken down into the following (very female oriented) categories:

Human Names

Buttercup, Lily, Hibiscus, Dahlia, Rose, Chrysanthemum, Daffodil, Rhododendron, Sage, Violet, Magnolia, Petunia, Iris, Azalea, and Periwinkle. I’ve heard all of those names used within the female gender at some point. They’re kind of common and kind of a mood as a parent. Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by Regina George.

Insults

Milkweed, Begonia, Knapweed, Snapdragon, Tickseed, Columbine, Foxglove, Hellebore, Fleabane, and Crocus. Feels very self-explanatory here – how pissed would you be if someone directed any of these harmful words at you? Feels awfully convenient for having to deliver an apology gift. Just saying. Something to think about late at night when you’re trying to fall asleep.

Adjectives

Sunflower, Snowdrop, Pink, Laceleaf, Passion Flower, and Lavender … feels awfully convenient to just name a flower after what it looks like. Uncreative much? Your face smells like peppermint!

Lazy (aka Observations of Human Traits / Actions)

Tulip, Peony, Lady’s Mantles, Dancing-Lady Orchids, Blackeyed Susan, California Poppy, Dusty Miller, and Marigold. Wut? Capital U. Just your everyday observation of the world and then casually naming an entire plant species after it. Because you know, why not?

Tasks

Spurges (like sponges … and, you know, the kitchen / cleaning), Gardenia, and Carnation (awfully similar to incarnation). This must have been done by a man. In the dinosaur ages, only the men would have been so subtle at giving hints. I’m guessing, I’m not a dinosaur, but the way the history books frame them, ay, chihuahua! The limit does not exist.

There’s a 30 percent chance that it’s already raining. Raining on the parade of what you once believed to be an industry that catered to everyone. How many of those genera would be used to name a baby boy? Or describe the actions of a man? Or insult a male persona? Zero. I think what the world needs more than anything, in this clear time of crisis, is to give flower names a protein shake. Let’s rename all of them, the entire species and subspecies, to be more neutral in everyday language! Who’s with me?

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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RESPONSIBILITIES AREN’T GOOD PARTY FAVORS

I love a good party. I really love a good party where I receive gifts. I really, really love a good party where I receive a gift just for showing up. What genius decided that party favors should be a thing? I genuinely want to know so I can personally thank them. Take this example to truly understand what a beautiful service this is for society:

Party Host: I’m going to have a party! I have to plan out a theme and a date and a location and everything that goes into it. Then I have to spend my money to buy decorations, food, drinks, a venue perhaps, etc. Since all my time and actual real life money is clearly meaningless, I’m also going to spend time thinking of a gift for my friends to entice them to come. Then I’m going to actually buy that gift and give it to them … for free!

Party Guest: Oh, sweet! A party! I’ll probably start to get ready at the stated start time and roll up fashionably late. I’ll eat a free dinner and drink (lots) of free drinks. Then I’ll leave and let the host clean up because I’m a great friend. And, oh! Holy sh*t! You’re going to give me a present?! For what?! I mean, thank you – was I supposed to get you something? Remind me of your name again?

Now as amazing as party favors are, we need to establish some ground rules around what is acceptable to give, but more specifically what is unacceptable. We’ve gone down a very strange road here recently and I miss the days when I would get something useful (like food, or alcohol, or a gift card). Well, there’s really just one rule: do not, I repeat, DO NOT give me a responsibility! What do I mean? I don’t want a d*mn succulent is what I mean! We all are aware that my track record taking care of things is questionable, at best (more on my green thumb in THIS POST).

Seems more like a party curse than a favor. I came here to forget about my responsibilities, not to walk out the door with a new one to add to the list. No, if I was looking to add a responsibility to my life I’d get a dog, or have a kid, or something a little more exciting than a tiny little plant. So if you give me something that I have to love, and water to maintain life, just give someone else two because I don’t want it. 

On that point, if we are friends, at all, you are aware that this succulent will not survive the month. Don’t be involved in this homicide. When I try to Irish exit without one, act like you don’t notice. Chasing me down to make sure I got one is not helpful for anyone. ‘Oh, it looks like you forgot to grab your favor!’ Erm, no, Karen, that was very much on purpose.

What else makes this list, you may be wondering? Fish. Leave them at the store where they’ll be happy, safe, and with friends. Books. I will feel like I need to read it – we’re all adults. Just give me a recommendation and then I’ll decide if I want to read it. Anything DIY. Again, I’m not trying to add anything to my To-Do list and I will feel obligated to make whatever the heck little art project you’ve given me. Coloring books. Are they really stress relieving? They stress me out. I feel like I have to color ALL of the pages – besides, I’m an adult so all of them would have to look perfect as well. As I’m typing, I’m noticing that I may have an issue with commitment? And possibly a tad OCD? Maybe I should talk to someone about this … on second thought, I basically just bared my soul to you for free. So what would a therapist really get me at this point? Besides another bill?

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who has “gifted” succulents before, send them this post so they can see the error in their ways. Keep that joy for yourself. Thanks for reading!


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DIFFERENT TYPES OF HOLIDAY SHOPPERS

It’s the holiday season! And who doesn’t love the holidays? I mean, I’m sure there are some people. I’ve heard stories about actual Scrooges, but have yet to meet one in real life, thankfully. Honestly, I don’t think I could handle it. My absolute joy during this time of year fighting with their absolute dread, and hate, for this time of year sounds like a collision I don’t need. That’s like the ultimate holiday rivalry. Good versus evil. Light versus dark. Carolina versus Duke. Emotions running high. Things get said that you can’t take back. Nope. 

I need to take a deep breath for a moment. Whew. Ok! Needed to clear that out of my mind. I have space for light shows, gift giving, cookies, and friends / family this time of year. Oh, and of course my dog. She’s an all year round treat, but at the holidays the decorations confuse her and that makes me laugh. Anyways … one of the biggest parts of the holiday season is getting gifts for other people. Some people love this. Some people hate this. Most people still do this, however.

Not everyone takes the same approach to purchasing gifts. Not everyone even puts the same amount of effort into finding gifts, if we’re being honest. Is there a right way to holiday gift shop? Certainly not! But I, at least, find it fascinating to examine the different approaches. And thus, deeply over-analyze them. Because clearly I have no life and this is as good as it gets as an adult. What can I say? I lost all shame for these types of posts a while ago. So get ready – we’re about to deep dive into what makes each individual shopper unique. Maybe you’ll recognize yourself on the list. Maybe you won’t. We all lie to ourselves sometimes, it’s fine.

The Prepared Shopper

Picks up gifts throughout the year so they don’t have to rush during crunch time

The Last Minute Shopper

Literally is trying to finish getting all their gifts the night before, or the morning of

The Thoughtful Shopper

Really puts an effort into the gifts they give to people and does a good bit of research, both on products and by talking to the gift receiver

The Leftover Shopper

Will pick up whatever candy happens to be in the checkout lane just to present you with a gift

The Online Shopper

Orders everything online so they can get the best range of colors, styles, and availability

The In Store Shopper

Enjoys not having to wait for items to ship, and thus, the potential that it never arrives so takes their chances in stores

The Gift Card Shopper

Either doesn’t like the list they received from you, or simply doesn’t want to buy anything on that list, and gets you a gift card instead … so that you can buy your own gift

The Highly Stressed Shopper

Goes exactly by the list – no room for error if you wrote that you wanted a 25oz water bottle by mistake (since that isn’t really a size) they will not buy anything unless it’s specifically what you want. 24 oz simply won’t do

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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DEAR SUCCULENTS: IF I WANTED TO TAKE CARE OF SOMETHING, I WOULD GET A DOG

I have a confession to make…I have committed a terrible sin. Honestly, I’m embarrassed to tell you what happened, but I feel like we’re on that level now, you and me, so here goes nothing:

In an apartment, not too long ago, a tragic homicide happened. A human (let’s call them a restless professional) was living their best life, minding their own business, not giving a care in the world. Now this human had been gifted a succulent. Mind you, no one asked said human if they were prepared, or even if they wanted, to take on the burden of caring for another living thing. To commit to ensuring that this plant would be fed and loved. No, there was no asking just a bold statement followed by the heavy click of the ball and chain now trapping the free-spirited human into responsibility.

So now the human had an (unwanted) succulent. The human, tending to look for the best in any situation, thought: ‘Well, plants have lots of health benefits so maybe this will be good! Besides, worst case scenario, my roommate is growing a small, thriving, forest on our balcony so they can help me out.’ And so the human took the succulent and put it on the windowsill (because everyone knows that plants need sunlight. I mean, come on, the human isn’t that clueless!). There the succulent lived happily in the warm, direct sunlight for a day, then two, then three, then a week, then two weeks, then three weeks, etc.

One day (about a month later) the human came home from work to find that it was still light outside (apparently some people get home before dark every day, lucky duckies). Desperately wanting to enjoy the last rays of warm, direct, sunlight they went over to the window and basked in the Vitamin D. Feeling truly elated, and a bit invincible, the human glanced down at the windowsill and noticed a little pot with nothing inside it. Seemed strange that the roommate would pack a pot full of dirt and then put nothing in it…maybe they were finally losing their touch? Maybe it was the human’s turn to show the world that, although they still get nervous when having to actually TALK on the phone to make an appointment, and don’t buy groceries that either can’t be microwaved or aren’t immediately ready for consumption, in fact they were a responsible adult and their parents could stop worrying about having to clean out their basement for a make-shift bedroom.

Then reality hit. Like a ton of bricks strapped to the front of an 18-wheeler going 70MPH on the highway. That wasn’t the roommates pot! No, that was the succulent gifted to the human (who knows how long ago at this point). It was green and thriving when first handed over, but now it was so dead it looked like dirt. What does a responsible, caring, living their best life human do in this situation? Well the only thing that makes sense when seeing a dead plant of course – ran it to the sink and drowned it in water (because obviously it was thirsty or it wouldn’t have died).

Now, I would just like to point out that succulents, by nature, are supposed to need VERY little attention. Did I maybe neglect it for too long? Neglect is a strong word – I prefer the term forgot. I didn’t purposefully not water my succulent. In my mind, the succulent had been watered when it was given to me, therefore it would be a couple months before it was a thirsty hoe again. Turns out, I was thinking of a cactus. It also turns out that succulents and cacti are NOT one and the same (much to my disappointment).

There you have it! You’re supporting an (accidental) plant murderer. Well…actually, in a weird twist of fate, turns out my succulent is thirstier than I am because the drowning actually brought half of it back to life. I’m happy to report that the living half is doing great currently…and also that my roommate immediately took over its care.

Moral of the story is this, two things really:

  1. You can’t just be assuming that people are ready to take care of something. Chances are if they are only (barely) taking care of themselves it’s for a reason
  2. There needs to be better education around succulents – if I wanted to take care of something, I’d get a dog because they are 100,000,000 times more fun (but that’s for ANOTHER POST)
  3. (I lied, there are three morals – see you can’t be trusting me) Everyone and everyTHING gets thirsty at some point so please chill with the judgement

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who has mistakenly been entrusted with a succulent, or a fish, or another seemingly innocent living organism, please get them the help they need immediately. Thanks for reading!


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