WHY I PRACTICE YOGA

In case you’ve never opened an Internet browser ever, yoga has kind of taken over the world. It’s a huge buzzword in the fitness community, but its benefits impact all aspects of your life. With literally zero effort and preparation you can knock out a quick yoga sesh anytime, anywhere, with anyone, wearing anything. There are no rules to it, which is probably part of the appeal. I guess the only rule is to focus on your breathing and the mind, body, soul connection. But who would really know if you opted to daydream about all the vacations you’re going to crank out once our American travel ban is lifted by the rest of the world.

Like with most good things, there are critics who have “concerns” about the actual energy expenditure to physical toning equation and are “skeptical” of the health benefits. And thus you get a couple of different mindsets on the matter. The yogis, who are not only invested in practicing the yoga techniques, but are passionate about teaching others and spreading the word. The post-workout yoga stretchers, who see the benefits and like to supplement other, more intense workouts, with a good re-centering exercise to finish off. The yoga is the exercise devil group, who are very vocal about their dislike for everything yoga related and find joy in tearing yogis away from their one true love.

Feels a bit extreme, doesn’t it? I fall in the middle group, but would like to ride the yoga mat levels up to yogi. Everytime I practice yoga, I feel my stress disappear, my anxiety relieves itself for the time being, my energy levels spike, and overall my quality of life improves. It’s also a great way to protect myself against future injury. Not to humble brag or anything, but I’m kind of a yoga stud. I’m an absolute pro at yoga. Not everyone has mastered it in the way that I have. No mat needed. No awkward animal positions that are supposedly relaxing, but really just point out all the ways you aren’t remotely flexible. No overpriced leggings – any outfit will do. Did I lose you? Yo, ga to the next paragraph and catch my drift.

It’s a simple principle, really. Find someone near you and send them where you were supposed to go. Like so:

  • Yo, ga to the store and get me some cookies
  • Yo, ga get me a second round – G&T, keep it classy
  • Yo, ga to the DMV and renew my license
  • Yo, ga to my meeting and take good notes – I have a presentation tomorrow
  • Yo, ga to my significant other’s house and take them a thinking of you present
  • Yo, ga to my fridge and make me a sandwich – throw some veggies on the side for health
  • Yo, ga outside and wash my car
  • Yo, ga to the gym for me – bring me back a you’ve earned it milkshake on your way home

See? Simple. Efficient. Realistic. Zero stress. Minimal anxiety. More energy. No injuries. Hard to get injured when you don’t put yourself in situations, after all. I wish all the nonsense articles online would stop promoting actual stretching, or exercise. Fake news. It’s a mindset. It’s an action. It’s a delegation. It’s living your best life. Success outcomes do tend to vary, though. Usually between ‘lol, you got jokes’ and ‘you thought’. I’m holding out hope that continued effort will eventually break through. TBD. Until then, keep bird dogging like no one is watching.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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WHY DO I WORK OUT? TO EAT MORE…OBVIOUSLY

Working out is an experience, not really sure how else to put that. It can be super intimidating because of the old-schoolers who still believe in the NO PAIN, NO GAIN mentality despite all of the research out there proving otherwise. Those people need to go somewhere else, preferably not at my gym. Maybe try some backyard “challenge” course your buddy built himself? Or, I don’t know, Crossfit? Better yet, create your own little niche franchise because we definitely are NOT oversaturated there yet.

If you’ve ever been to the gym, you’ve most likely realized the great divide that exists. Gymism, as I like to refer to it. There’s the weights area and then there’s the cardio section. And would you believe that those areas house very, very, very different kinds of exercisers?! Well, even if you don’t believe me it’s the truth so jump on board sailor. I can’t forget about the game courts where all the kids get stored while their parents suffer upstairs, but that’s more of a happy accident than an actual, conscious exclusion.

I’m all for staying in your lane in certain areas (online dating, though, am I right?!), but at the gym I like to switch it up. Balance is key in any routine – diet and exercise, strength and cardio. Listen, if you missed the title of this post, I hate to spoil it in the middle but it is most certainly NOT about balancing your diet. However, it’s hard to do that when a wall of literal human Hulks are blocking the free weights. On the flip side, it’s hard for these unnecessarily ripped humans to fit within the treadmill arms and do anything less than an hour-long intensive sprint workout sans judgement.

So what do you do? Pick a side forever and either be jacked or toned? Be destined to run endless miles or do endless curls? No! I would have thought as my reader base you’d be slightly more creative than this! Forget the gym and all their judgement (and their monthly payments). Buy a good pair of running shoes, get a handful of weights and use the most powerful tool anyone on Earth has – the Internet.

Anywho, we’ve gotten over the workout portion of this post. Step 1 (in case it was unclear): workout. Step 2: eat like a wrestler who just came off a weigh-in and has 24 hours to gain all the lost weight back. Can we take a quick detour? Wrestlers…just why? What is appealing? You have to run in FULL SWEATS and frequently fast to drop a bunch of weight quickly just so you can stuff your face to gain it back. Then, because that might sound pleasant to some, you put on what can only best be described as the male bikini, and have very intimate contact with another person in public. While getting aggressively punched, put in uncomfortable positions, etc. Who invented this sport? No, more importantly, how is it still popular?! Personally, I don’t see the appeal in any of the above but maybe I’m the odd one here.

Alright, so the best part of working out is obviously getting to eat afterwards. And what do you get to eat? Whatever the hell you want! You freaking earned that! Did you do strength? Earned it! Did you go for a run (distance irrelevant)? Definitely earned it! Did you walk up the stairs today (number of stairs irrelevant)? You, my friend, earned it! Did you put all of the grocery bags on one arm to just take one trip in? Yes, that also counts! Earning it is easy, why don’t more people participate in this?!

My point here is that I may have an unhealthy obsession with food. Hmmm that’s interesting and also not something I want to press into with my anonymous Internet fam so…my (new) main point is this: TREAT YOURSELF! If I did a workout, then denied myself the third slice of cake, what was even the purpose of working out?! Pretty sure I heard that calories after a workout don’t count. Could have come from my own head, but either way that sounds pretty freaking great to me. Dieticians everywhere are melting at this, I’m sure. The actual health nuts may be having mini-crises but I do not care. Living my best life…after my workout clearly because the build up is honestly something I would prefer to do without.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who also believes that food is the sole motivation for physical activity then please share this with them! Maybe we can start some sort of support group for surviving the workout portion of the equation. Thanks for reading!


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NOT FEELING WELL? TAKE THIS MEDICINE, SIDE EFFECTS: DEATH

Pharmaceuticals. What a weird word. Why is it so gigantic? Is that necessary? No, I’ll go ahead and answer that. Drug is easier to say. It’s also a much more versatile word – it can be interpreted to suit each person’s unique tastes. Pharmaceutical is just so…one-sided? Stuck up? My way or the highway? Yes, yes, and yes. There’s only one thing that is referring to. Disgusting “grape” flavored cough syrup or a horse pill falsely labeled as a “softgel”. One only gets a pharmaceutical when it’s the last resort. A drug…well, I will not go further into this metaphor. Use your imagination.

I think that maybe drug companies, excuse me, pharmaceutical companies, get paid for each letter that goes into their documentation. How else do you explain the extremely complicated names for the medicines that exist on the market today? Honestly, who is in charge of this? Is it the scientists? Scientists are an entirely different breed of humans, excuse me, homo sapiens.

For anyone who has ever looked at the label on their pharmaceutical, you understand where I’m coming from. Ibuprofen is actually (RS)-2-(4-(2-methylpropyl)phenyl)propanoic acid…what in the actual effing hell is that?! Tylenol / Advil – oh, you know, if they’re feeling casual it’s Acetaminophen, but when it’s a black tie event they’re all N-(4-hydroxyphenyl)ethanamide. I literally cannot with this, but it’s kind of fun so here’s the real identity of some of our favorite drugs:

  • Pepto Bismol – Bismuth subsalicylate (this sounds like something you would find in a cave)
  • Valium – Diazepam (this sounds like it’s going to kill you)
  • Crestor – Rosuvastatin (this sounds like it could be a ramen ingredient)
  • Nexium – Esomeprazole (oh, this is most definitely a Disney princess)
  • Lyrica – Pregabalin (this sounds like what happens when you’re in between tipsy and drunk)
  • Cough Syrup – Dextromethorphan (this sounds like an auctioneer explaining that they were in an orphanage growing up)
  • Coricidin – Chlorpheniramine (this sounds like what they pour into public pools to destroy every possible ounce of bacteria)

This has been a very eye-opening Google search and I may, or may not, now be on a potential drug distribution watch list. Definitely put a lot of feelers out into popular drugs and their real names. I bet if I just offset it with stuff like “how to prevent illegal drug trafficking” and “reporting drug dealers” they will think I’m just a concerned citizen.

Enough about the names of drugs, I will never ever understand why we can’t take the simple route and go with naming conventions such as little red pill, medium red pill, large red pill, purple liquid, gigantic blue pill, etc. My main concern with the pharmaceutical industry is the list of potential side effects that come with EVERYTHING.

Migraine medicine has a side effect of headaches…and death. Cough medicine has a side effect of violent coughing…and death. High blood pressure medicine has a side effect of an elevated heart rate…and death. Pain medicine has a side effect of the plague…and death. Asthma medicine has a side effect of difficulty breathing…and death. Is it always necessary to kill the people when they seek help? Is this common practice now-a-days? Seems to me like someone did not complete the research and development portion for the drug, but definitely hit the deadline (AKA ran out of research money) and was just like “ah, screw it, we can put all the things we didn’t test as side effects hahaha”. 

Or they are just avoiding potential lawsuits. Either way, it would be nice to not have to worry about my survival every time I have a cough. I’m shocked that band-aids don’t come with warnings of potential death. CAUTION! The adhesive may not come fully off upon removal and be absorbed by the skin where it will slowly seep into the bloodstream and traverse up to the heart upon which it will stick the walls together and prevent a heartbeat.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you also have concerns about the alarming number of side effects on modern day medicines hit me up and we can chat about our theories on pharmaceutical collusion. If you are one of the collusion-ists, shame on you, but thanks for reading!


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