THINGS SPORT ANNOUNCERS SAY THAT LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE COULD ALSO SAY

Sports are a way of life. Not for all people, certainly, but for a lot of people. Because who doesn’t love getting overly invested in the performance of your favorite team and favorite players? Probably people who enjoy more stress-free ways of living or low blood pressure. It’s irritating when your team is not playing well, or worse: losing, or even worse: losing to your rival. In those moments you learn a lot about yourself as a person – where your priorities truly lie, how you handle stress, what you’re like under the pressure of trash talk, whether or not you’re a gracious loser, and how competitive you are regarding things that you have less than zero control over.

While sports have a lot of positives, there are some negative aspects that you have to deal with. Rioting, losing friendships, scandals, losing money, cheating, drugs, etc. And then, of course, you have the announcers. Sport announcers are there to say helpful things and aid in the viewing experience of the game. Supposedly. There is a most curious breakdown of things that can, and will, come out of an announcers mouth during the period of play. Ask any sports fan and they have announcers that they like, announcers that they tolerate, and then announcers they cannot stand.

Regardless of how you feel about the announcer, their dialogue can best be summarized as follows. Usually they throw some fun statistics in there and some inspiring story about the team, or a specific player. Constantly they will talk about what can best be described as sport conspiracy theories regarding playoffs based on the team’s performance to date. This includes, but is not limited to, previously played games, the current game being played, upcoming schedule of games, and what both a win and a loss mean going into the next day. It’s great to hear when they’re talking in favor of your team, and it’s the most obnoxious thing in the world when it’s against your team.

Some of the time they will interject with memories about their time participating in said sport, which usually feels more like a backdoor brag than anything. But then, the rest of the time is spent with them saying ridiculous things that anyone else in the whole freaking planet could also say. Sports fan, or not. And it just makes you stop and think about how they landed this cushy, well-paid, gig when you could also easily make broad statements about the nature of a sport. Statements such as:

  • What they’re trying to do here is win
  • If you ask me, they need to score more points
  • Coach does not look happy
  • If I played like that, I’d be sitting on the bench
  • That’s not good defense
  • To win, they’re going to need to beat the other team
  • I’m not sure what they’re thinking out there
  • Defense fell asleep on that play
  • They’ve dug themselves a big hole
  • Time is running out
  • I don’t agree with that call
  • I think that was a good call
  • From this angle, it’s hard to tell
  • I can’t see what’s happening down there
  • I think that a win would feel good
  • Offense wins games
  • Defense wins games
  • A loss is not going to be good here
  • They’re not going to be happy leaving the tournament early
  • They’ll only be satisfied holding the championship trophy

I could go on, but this feels like an inclusive enough list to make my point. Basically, sports announcers just find different ways to state the obvious. Or to say the wrong mascot for a team. People want to win. People don’t like to lose. Other people are often in charge of making decisions that you may, or may not, agree with. Failing to reach the end goal is never satisfying. And reaching a longtime dream is the best feeling in the world. None of that feels overly exclusive to sports – more of a life thing in general. All I’m saying is change the sport terms into everyday terms and you’ve got a recipe for inspirational sayings. Kind of feels like anyone could do it.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

MINIONS ARE THE ULTIMATE SOULMATE

Finding real love is hard. Some people don’t ever really find it. Some people find it every other week. Some people find something close enough to what they wanted, so they make it work. Some people get lucky and do find the kind of love they always dreamed about. Wherever you fall along Cupid’s arrow, I think we can all agree that people want to find love. I would argue that most people want to find their soulmate. Whether it’s one of many that will walk into their lives, or the only one, feeling that connection is special.

Feeling that connection with dogs is too easy. Easy enough that I fall in love with every cute little pupper that I see. Why? Because it’s so fluffy, I’m gonna die! Is this a problem? Some people in my life might think so. However, as much as we all know I could talk about dogs for pages and pages, this post is not about falling in love with our pets. It’s about the challenge of finding that strong feeling for human people. Whaaaaaaaaaat?! Indeed. Love between two human beings.

If right now you’re thinking, ‘you got to be kidding me’, totally valid. Hear me out, though, I believe that Pixar has solved all of our issues when it comes to soulmate expectations. Sure, sure, there are plenty of movies out there that do the complete opposite and fill our heads with thoughts of how our love story should look. Realistic, or not, it’s our current reality. Thank you social media and technology and Hollywood. It leaves a lot of us confused. Or worse. But instead of going down that rabbit hole of something awful from the past, let’s instead talk about happier times.

Lightbulb! Enter everyone’s favorite little yellow banana men. Dave, listen up please! I’ve put a lot of thought into this, and I believe that the minions may be the ultimate soulmate created in an animated fashion by an entertainment giant. They’re extremely loyal, for starters. I mean come on. Unless they’ve been injected with some evil liquid that messes with their DNA and literally makes them a different species, they would die for Gru. With zero questions asked. It’s a simple existence, with minimal stress. Get directions, follow directions, look back and laugh at the complete misunderstanding of said directions.

Let’s move past this blind full send mentality of theirs, because that’s not an appealing quality for everyone. The minions are highly adaptable and resilient to everything in life. Do they ever get hurt? Can they even die? Do they ever get sick? Can they even feel pain? Imagine how much money you’ll save on doctor’s bills, lab bills, life insurance bills, etc. You could go on so many nice vacations for that! Or get so much food and beverages of choice! 

If that alone isn’t appealing, have you ever had to pay a medical bill before? But fine, ok, moving onwards and upwards to more exciting things. Let’s talk about the instant number of new followers you’ll get … I mean, there’s hundreds of them and they’re all best friends. So if you nail down one, by the nature of the minion loyalty pact, you are in with all of them. Imagine Thanksgiving dinners. Wow! So much entertainment. So many shared dishes brought. Although, let’s be honest, the majority will probably be bananas but those are good to prevent leg cramps so you can stretch to your heart’s content.

For all the banana haters of the world, never fear! Think about all the challenges you have with communication. Imagine a world where that would not be an issue. Nobody knows what they’re saying. And they don’t really understand you. So it would be this fun world where you just had to interpret, to the best of your ability, what they told you. Lots of siren sounds would for sure be in play, which could be good or bad, but who’s to say which way. 

Like with all soulmates, though, there are downfalls. Nobody’s perfect after all. They have the maturity of a toddler. They light things on fire. They’re tiny so there would have to be appliances of different sizes in the home. Might have you yelling ‘curse you tiny toilet’! Trying to get them away from Gru, Agnes, Edith, and Margo is pretty much impossible. We don’t know what human food does to their digestive system. They have a lot of combat skills, one would assume, given the nature of the work they do. And to wrap it all up, they’re technically villains.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

I JUST REWATCHED MONSTERS, INC. AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

Nobody likes having monsters under their bed at night. At least not until we learned how absolutely lovable they are! I think monsters have gotten a bad reputation in the human world for some time, and thankfully Mike and Sully helped shed some valuable insight into the reasons behind the scare. Despite the questionably logical approach to energy creation in Monstropolis, I have some unanswered questions, and plenty of observations from this adorable film:

  • We get a very Soul type vibe in the intro. Jazz music and all. Nice recycle here Disney, though Soul did have a necessary modernization for it’s 2020 release
  • The main monster in the intro skit looks like a venus fly trap
  • This little boy in the simulator is not suspicious that his closet door opened on its own? Fake news
  • How does Flem manage to destroy the entire room?
  • I enjoy the intern vibe of the assessor’s “assistants” not knowing the answer to clearly a basic question
  • Mr. Waternoose is correct – there is nothing more deadly or toxic than a human child. Thus, my current lack of them
  • If screams produce energy, why does Mr. Waternoose casually let a whole capsule free just to prove a point? Seems like a waste
  • ‘Less talk, more pain Marshmallow boy’ – if that isn’t motivating, I don’t know what it
  • Does Sully just wake up and work out, growling at Mike and all, without brushing his teeth?
  • Monsters, Inc. matches children to their ideal monster? That is a nightmare factory of a serial killer
  • We’ve all been Mike in the Monsters, Inc. commercial – covered up by the logo and not giving a darn
  • How is it efficient for the building doors in Monstropolis to all be customized to its residents?
  • Grocery is not spelled Grossery, but maybe monsters can’t spell
  • If the monsters are walking, why does the sign say Don’t Stalk / Stalk? Nowhere else in the movie is it referred to as stalking
  • Do any calls get through at Monsters, Inc.? Celia puts everyone on hold
  • You could roll Celia into a ball and she would still only be about half as round as Mike
  • Why would you put a slug monster in charge of keeping the floors clean?
  • ‘My succulent little garden snail’ – wow, incredible use of adjectives for what is obviously a monster version of a Karen
  • If monsters created the ability to jump through some space time continuum into human bedrooms, why haven’t we figured out the reverse?
  • The scare floor is quite the operation … like a factory line … for nightmares
  • ‘A kid almost touched me. I could have died!’ is a relatable feeling for all young, single millennials
  • The announcement for neverminding Randall’s temporary lead is like every day on the job where you think you’re doing a good job, then realize you’ve been doing it all wrong
  • One would think there was a less intense process to remove a single sock from a monster. A kid, yes, then the CDA seems necessary, but a sock? So extreme
  • How do you become a scare recruit versus an ordinary Monstropolis citizen? How hard is it to get accepted?
  • Lol odorant instead of deodorant
  • Is Mike the only assistant that doesn’t file his paperwork? How has he not been fired?
  • Why doesn’t Sully just throw Boo in her room, like a football, and slam the door? It would be more effective
  • Did Sully really think flushing those toys down the toilet would work?
  • Is Boo demented? Why does she want to play with Sully? Who is a monster
  • I think having an octopus as the sushi chef is a bit of animal profiling and also a sick joke. He’s probably chopping up his friends
  • No one notices a walking bag in a nice restaurant? That doesn’t raise any concern?
  • ‘It is my professional opinion that now is the time to panic’ – a news report in Monsters, Inc. that also could run at any point in today’s current society
  • Imagine you’re a giant monster, and there’s a tiny child – why not just scare them and let CDA handle it?
  • If Sully and Mike live in the penthouse, how did they just walk out the door onto the street?
  • Did they not realize how innocent kids were when they were asleep? Why does Boo have to be the one to show them?
  • How many kids have walk-in closets? Apparently everyone in the world. And how many remember to close them each night? I don’t even close my closet door
  • Bring an obscure relative to work day – how does Mr. Waternoose not know he didn’t approve that
  • Is Boo actually potty trained? I find that hard to believe
  • How is Boo so slippery? Why does Sully keep losing her?
  • ‘Put that thing back where it came from, so help me’ is the Pixar short we all need in our lives
  • Why is Celia in a neck brace? How did that happen? What was her arrest like? It seemed pretty docile
  • Mike legit forgot that lunch was in 5 minutes? I’m calling BS since every employee ever knows when their lunch break is
  • Sully basically saw his pet get run through a trash compactor and pounded into a block. His poor emotional state
  • All the CDA agents were using the bathroom at the same time. Why? Are all their relief cycles synced up?
  • No wonder Sully is single, he gets attached way too quickly
  • ‘1, 2, 3, 4 get the kid back through the door’ – a babysitting moto
  • When in doubt, go down the dark tunnel completely unprepared for what you may encounter
  • ‘If you’re gonna threaten me, do it properly’ is why we all love Mike Wazowski
  • Mike says hello to the scream extractor. Those actual words. ‘Hello.’ It’s a machine
  • Does no one else in the company know this dungeon lab of Randall’s exists?
  • Who names their kid Fungus? Poor guy
  • Was Sully previously unaware of his scare face? He had to know, right?
  • So, let me get this straight … Monsters, Inc. had a door specifically to banish monsters out of? For what reason? Why not just fire them? So dramatic
  • The Abominable Snowman looks like a giant sheep
  • Why are the monster lips so realistic looking? With wrinkles and all it’s slightly creepy
  • Mike is so emotional, but his communication skills are on point
  • Celia is very up and down with rattlesnakes on her head – what does Mike see in her? 
  • ‘What a plan, simple yet insane’ is me before every workout
  • Do the doors have to move at warp speed in the warehouse? Is that necessary?
  • Would it not have been easier to climb up the three doors to Boo’s instead of travelling through random kids’ closets?
  • Sully, the number one rule is to close the door. And what did you not do? Close the door. You deserved to be kicked out
  • Did the CDA not see Mike and Sully’s claws on top of Boo’s door? Quite observant this group
  • Mr. Waternoose moves surprisingly well for an old crab
  • Of course Roz is number one at the CDA. Who else should we have expected?
  • Was Boo not ever hungry during this adventure? When was the last time she ate?
  • Boo has a little Jesse, you know, from Toy Story because why not throw easter eggs in
  • How much therapy do we think Boo will need to mentally recover from this?
  • Why are Sully’s legs only about ⅕ of his total body height?
  • Sully pulls the last piece of Boo’s door off his clipboard, which was taped on there, and it comes off, but there’s no tape on there anymore. Never in my life has that been true. Where did the tape magically vanish to?

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN

We have all had an unpleasant encounter with someone who is just irrationally angry, at some point. You know, the people who call you up, or (even worse) are face-to-face with you, and have this need to tell you exactly how they feel in the most offensive and hurtful way possible? These people make me sad. For one, I had no part in whatever it is you’re upset about – I don’t even work here. But mainly, how unhappy are you in life that you feel a need to blow something trivial way out of proportion? Are you trying to ruin someone else’s day?

Want to know a fun fact? You aren’t ruining my day. No, to be honest, I’m not even really listening because you’re talking yourself in circles and not making sense. Plus, you’re just being loud, so I’m going to let you wear yourself out first. My favorite part about these people, is most of the time it’s user error. Oh, so your upcoming flight isn’t showing up on your calendar? Did you add it to the calendar? No? Hmmm, well that’s interesting – it’s hard to see something that you never created! Oh, so your burrito costs more because it has guacamole on it? Did you not listen when the Chipotle employee told you it would cost extra? Or did you not read the board with that same information very clearly printed on it? No? Hmmm, well that’s interesting – seems like a very personal problem.

Personally, I choose to live my life by this amazing quote: ‘Don’t let idiots ruin your day’. Check. Don’t worry, I’m still going to have an amazing day because happiness is a choice. My favorite part about these interactions is when our irrational friend realizes they screwed up. The face stays red, but subtly moves from the angry lobster red to embarrassment blush red. Now, I’m not a vengeful person, but can we all agree that feeling is satisfying? Granted, in a slightly evil way, but we aren’t the ones trying to make the girl behind the register cry so we can get out of paying, now are we?

Maybe I’m not a very angry person either, but how does one get to that stage? Is this impacting your ability to act like an adult? You know that you can still voice frustration in a reasonable way, right? Is this really the example you want to set for the people around you? There are children EVERYWHERE, you know (it’s slightly creepy).

What’s that? You haven’t ever dealt with someone like that? Your life is all glitter, and rainbows, and CHEWY CHIPS AHOY cookies? Well, this is awkward, but you are that irrationally angry person. Yes, I know you think you’re reasonable, and fun, and easy-going, but no. You would be incorrect. You are an overreacter and tend to blame things on others to get your way. Wow, that’s a tough pill to swallow, isn’t it. You’re probably starting to get a little red right now. Thinking about composing a very friendly email for me. Totally great – bring it on! As Germany Kent said, ‘Stop giving people the power to control your smile, your worth, your attitude, and your day. Don’t give anyone that much power over your life’. BOOM! You have no power over my life! So all of your anger will do, well, nothing to me. I’ll read your lovely email, take it, feel a little sad for your unhappiness, then smile and move on.

But I get it – it’s not as easy as that for everyone. Getting screamed at isn’t exactly something you wake up in the morning hoping for. That’s ok. New savage queen, Taylor Swift, wrote a song for times like these. It’s pretty much the perfect response template for dealing with one of the hotheads. A whole song can be hard to remember so I’ll just give you the highlights:

  • You are somebody that I don’t know, but you’re taking shots at me like it’s Patron. And I’m just like d*mn. It’s (INSERT TIME HERE)
  • You need to calm down. You’re being too loud
  • You need to just stop. Like, can you just not?
  • Why are you mad? When you could be glad?
  • Control your urges to scream about all the people you hate

How easy is that? You need to calm down. Why? Oh, because you’re being too loud and I don’t know you. Moral of this rant: there’s no need to be so angry – choose happiness.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who tends to overreact to everything, pass this along so they can scream at me not you. Maybe one day they’ll understand that life is short enough without tempting fate with frequent spikes to their blood pressure. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

BACK-TO-SCHOOL SURVIVAL PLAYLIST

Can we all agree that back-to-school shopping is the best thing about actually going back to school? Your parents are happy because everything is (slightly) cheaper than it was in July and you’re happy because you’re about to roll up on day 1 like a freaking rockstar in your fresh clothes and accessories with the tags still on it. Back in my day, which was longer ago than I’m comfortable admitting to the Internet, we always got new spiral notebooks (because the composition ones were so last generation), super fancy pens/pencils/highlighters/markers/anything that marks a piece of paper basically, the good erasers (the ones for the art students that could erase anything – including the bad memories of having to erase the entire writing test and start over because you realized at the end it had nothing to do with the ridiculous given prompt), some sort of binder, at least one new outfit, and if we were lucky, a new backpack. By lucky, clearly I mean if we were clever enough to “wear out” our one from the previous year with the rigorous demands of learning.

Today, however, I’m assuming the children roll up on hoverboards with their smart backpacks containing the latest, greatest smartphone, tablet, and TI calculator (the ones that essentially pass math for you). Most likely with a smartwatch on their wrist, and shoes that cost more than my grocery bill. Nothing makes you feel less successful than seeing a child have better style, and technology, than you … a hard-working, money making adult. It’s fine, whatever, I’m over it. At least I can drive myself to Target whenever I want and buy all of the CHEWY CHIPS AHOY for “sharing” with others. And by others I clearly mean my mouth and my stomach.  

So with all the back-to-school excitement, everyone needs a hype playlist to set the mood for not only the first day, but the whole first week. Then reality sets in and just getting dressed in the morning is a struggle, so the next 175(ish) days are just going to be what they are. There are certain rules when creating said playlist, though (similar to THOSE FOR WORK):

  1. The playlist must last at least your entire commute, but preferably from the time you begin getting dressed until the bell rings for the first class and you’ll get detention if you don’t turn it off
  2. The playlist theme must center around how you are the sh*t and no one can tell you different
  3. The sub-theme must center around how you make your own way, don’t worry about the haters who think you’ll never make it (including the counselor from last year who is all like ‘graduation isn’t guaranteed, you have to meet minimum grade requirements to walk and proceed to the next grade ’… blah, blah, blah I’ll write my own story thank you)
  4. The first song needs to have a solid beat that you could / have danced to at some point. Preferably it makes you want to dance in a way that will shock some people who don’t know the real you
  5. The last song needs to have a parting message about actually getting sh*t done so you can end it and be like ‘I’m about to own this school year, ready or not, HERE I COME
  6. The songs in between need to be a balance of a good beat and lyrics that you can get behind. What does that mean? Essentially, those lyrics should be motivational quotes bouncing around in your head to get that quick hype hit in the middle of History class

It’s that simple really. Look at all the insanely successful people in the world and I would bet at some point they listened to a song and got inspired. I have zero evidence that any of them did a specific back-to-school playlist, but who’s to say you can’t be the first? For all you podcast addicts out there, take the same rules and apply them to podcasts. Since those tend to be slightly longer, you can do it over a week, or you can put all of them on triple time and try to still get the same inspiration from them … your choice.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who makes great playlists, maybe hit them up because a mediocre playlist could result in a mediocre year and nobody wants that. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.