WHAT IS EVEN THE PURPOSE OF A FITTED SHEET?

Sleeping on soft, clean sheets is such an amazing feeling. Because you don’t know who I am, I won’t lie and say I wash my sheets every day – although if the bed making process weren’t so complicated I would be more inclined to act like an adult and get clean sheets more often. Regular sheets make sense. Don’t want to sleep straight on the mattress. You’d wake up with all those fun sleep lines, but amplified based on your mattress pattern. Your leg would look quilted. Luckily that’s “in” right now in the fashion world so at least you wouldn’t look completely ridiculous.

Comforters also make sense. If you just had a sheet you’d be cold. And to avoid being cold you’d curl up into a tiny little ball. Then in the morning, unpretzeling yourself would be quite the adventure with noises and popping on par with having aged 50 years overnight. If that isn’t convincing enough (because you make noises anyways…mid-20s going on 90, am I right?!) just think of how sore you’ll be all day long from sleeping in such an unnatural position for 8 hours…ok 7 hours…no, fine, 4 and, maybe a half, hours, but still a long time!

You know what else makes sense? Pillowcases. I mean, you could just sleep on the pillow I guess. But anyone who saw your bed would hard core judge your decisions. Of EVERYTHING on the bed, pillowcases are the cheapest things…and they come with the sheet sets. Did you throw them away?! Why don’t you have any?! You have sheets on the bed, so what’s the deal here?!

A bed skirt doesn’t really make sense. First of all, why a skirt? You don’t call a tablecloth a table skirt and yet it hangs the same way. A bed cloth does kind of sound like a diaper so I guess that’s why they went a different route. I don’t really get what these are for, though. Wikipedia says it goes between the mattress and the box spring to hide the exposed part of the box spring and any under the bed storage. Mmkay, several things:

  1. What’s a box spring? There’s the mattress and the bed frame, or is this something that used to be a thing? If you have a box spring (that you need to hide, apparently) maybe just jump into this century and get a new mattress…which I’m guessing has the box spring built in? Or maybe they are just that much better than what you were sleeping on.
  2. Who are you hiding your under-the-bed storage from? How many randos are in your bedroom at any given time? Actually, don’t answer that. But in all seriousness, own that sh*t! Everyone stuffs random things under their bed and if they say they don’t, they’re liars…or filthy rich and have closets bigger than your house – one or the other.

That just leaves the fitted sheet in the bedding set, which, in case the title of the post was unclear, makes zero sense. Two sheets, I get (don’t want to get under the sheet and sleep on the mattress – if you don’t know why then a) how dare you skip to this part of the post and b) it’s listed above). Why, though, does it have to be fitted? Is tucking in a regular sheet not good enough? Does it come untucked easier? Because the fitted sheets don’t seem to stay super great…or so I’ve heard from aggressive sleeper friends of mine.

If it has to be fitted, why are they so complicated? Every side is the same length until you start making the bed and then all of a sudden they are different? Like a terribly frustrating optical illusion. Don’t even get me started on folding a fitted sheet. It springs back in on itself so you can’t even lay out the rounded corners. Something about putting the corners inside each other. I don’t even bother anymore, I just leave it in a ball on top of the other sheet in the set. I can feel your judgement, but the joke is on you because when the bed is made, nobody can see how wrinkly my BOTTOM-MOST LAYER OF SHEET IS. That’s assuming I take the time to put it on the bed, which is usually not the case. If I’m being totally honest, I just sleep under the comforter (yes, on top of the sheets), so I really just need the regular (sense-making) sheet.

More power to all you fitted sheet users, though! You’re clearly adulting better than I am and I tip my hat to you. Still won’t be wrestling and fighting a fitted sheet anytime soon, but I can dream about the day when I’m rich enough to pay someone to make my bed for me.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who doesn’t struggle with the fitted sheet, ask them to teach you their tricks. For all the other (normal) readers, know that you are not alone. Thanks for reading!


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