CAN I SEE YOUR ID?

There are several key birthday milestones that you count down to growing up. Your 10th birthday, for sure. I mean, double digits! You remember getting so excited to be double digits without really realizing that there’s a good chance you will never leave the double digit range … think about that for a second. What was so great about 10 anyways? That’s a whole extra candle your parents had to buy for the cake. 10 is selfish is what it is.

Plus then you’re on the verge of the pre-teen years which are fun for absolutely nobody. Not your parents. Not your friends. Not you. Not your teachers. Nobody. It’s a phase that is frustrating, stressful, and confusing. And that’s all before you hit the joy of puberty. Which is also frustrating, stressful, and confusing. But also scary and sad and exciting and you realize you’re nearing the next milestone which is the sweet sixteen. Ironically, the only sweet thing about being 16 is the ability to drive. Which is expensive so once again who’s really winning here?

Then there’s 18 and you’re finally an adult! Again, though, not as exciting as we hype ourselves up for. You can buy cigarettes so I guess it’s a good way to learn about consequences. Although you only partially get treated like an adult. You get to go to college, which IS an awesome milestone. Even there though, it’s not quite the same as the monotonous, expensive, and exhausting world that is post-college.

Among the birthday milestones that we trick ourselves into getting pumped about, the 21st one is the best day of your life. No more worrying about getting caught with a fake, or having to bribe your older friends into getting you some bottles, or swiping extra liquor from the very back of your parent’s cabinet hoping they don’t use those. You can waltz into the grocery store. The liquor store. The gas station. The club. The bar. Wherever and slap that ID card down and get whatever your little heart desires.

While being an alcohol drinking adult has its perks, like most good things, there are downfalls. That downfall is being asked to show your ID. Don’t get me wrong, that first day you reach purchasing freedom, you want to brag about it! You want everywhere you go to ask for that card so you can whip it out. Then wait awkwardly for them to have to triple check the date to make sure it’s the very minimum legal age. A powerful feeling.

During the post-turning-21-hangover, having to pull your ID out of your wallet every time becomes … annoying. Especially as you start to age towards your mid and late 20s. How young do you have to look to be closer to 30 than 21 and be asked to prove yourself. There’s always the one friend who will get carded, even when nobody else in the entire group does. I am that friend. I could go out with my parents, and only I will get carded. Not even my younger, not even 21 year old, sister gets carded. She just gets drinks. But I’m the one who looks underage. Ok.

If everyone in the group gets asked to prove their age, that’s one thing. The server is just protecting their job. And probably the whole establishment. But to single one person out, what is the purpose of even asking? Why waste both of our time? What was the thinking going into this? If one of them is at least 21, all of them must be 21? How does that work? Some of my friends have even decided to take No Shave November all the way through the pandemic and look like they belong in a frat house. And still I’m the only one who gets carded.

Clearly I’m unbothered by my young face. If I still look like a high schooler maybe I’ll look like a 20-something in my late 40s so there are perks. Eventually. So they tell me. Once you hit 21 you get a few consecutive solid exciting birthdays, though. Taylor Swift year, Jordan year, Kobe year, rent a car year. And then you’re in your late 20s and it becomes less exciting from there. You have to wait for 30 and by that point the over the hill jokes are coming out. So you’re excited on the outside, but sad on the inside.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

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THE JOYS OF MOVING

Have you ever moved in your life? There’s probably a high chance that the answer is yes. Moving is a thing that we have to do occasionally, or frequently, or at specified intervals depending on your situation. Personally, moving is not my favorite. Moving on, yes, but moving between physical locations, no. There’s something very freeing about stepping away from something in your life that’s bringing you down a bit, or is outright toxic. It’s like when you take a week, or a few months / years, off at the gym and then do a brief workout and feel like a million bucks! And also when you see immediate results because it’s been so long.

Enough gym analogies, I’m not trying to bring the mood down. In summary, live your best life and move on from things that are not helping you grow. On the opposite side of that spectrum, however, we have moving. As in I live in one location and am now moving somewhere completely different. To live, not for an extended vacation. Which means that you need to bring your life with you. The good, the bad, and the random junk you thought you threw out during the last move.

In my opinion, there’s not many exciting things about the moving part of getting a new place. The exciting place is having a new address and getting to explore your new surroundings. Make new friends, find your new daily coffee shop, understand exactly how long it takes to get to the chinese take out place, create a list of new favorite bars and restaurants, explore new running routes, etc. Those things are super fun and I’m all about that … once I’m settled.

Why is the process of packing and unpacking things so difficult? When you break it down, you put things in a box and then you take things out of a box. Somewhere between the base problem and how we tend to do it a whole mess gets thrown in. Literally. If you ever want a good motivation to clean out what you own, move. I’m still not sure why we have two entire kitchen cabinets full of assorted cups, glasses, and mugs when there’s only two of us. Some of those could probably be donated. Do we need four different shoe racks in our closet that don’t even hold all of our shoes? Probably not.

So we have this … stuff. And you need to get it all into boxes. Efficiently and safely. Those being the key terms here. Anyone can shove an assortment of things into a box, but if you do it right you minimize the total number of boxes and, thus, the total effort required to take said boxes from one location to another. You also minimize potential damage to breakable things like cups, glasses, and mugs. Packaging pillows are a must have, but not the styrofoam nonsense – they leave residue particles everywhere. They’re an invasive species like ARTIFICIAL TURF.

If moving was simply boxes, it wouldn’t be so bad. But alas we have furniture. Why is all furniture either awkward or ridiculously heavy? Why can’t it be something easy to carry, somewhat lightweight, and stylish all in one? It doesn’t fit in cars. It doesn’t fit well in pickup trucks, at least not all of it. So you end up with a moving truck. And moving trucks are an expense. How expensive is up to your budget. Sure you can pay people to box your things and move them for you, but I don’t want strangers packing up certain things. Feels like a weird invasion of privacy and somehow there’s always a portion of your things that mysteriously disappear when they do it.

If all you had to do was pay for the moving truck, it would be fairly affordable. But since Lucifer himself invented moving you have either down payments, or security deposits. You have set up fees for utilities. You have to deal with switching Internet providers. Or worse, staying with your same one and transferring locations. You have to buy new things for the new space because when in Rome. You end up with boxes everywhere and piles of items to donate that you either have to pay someone to pick up, or you have to transport yourself. When all of that is said and done, you actually have to unpack what you, or strangers, dropped off. And get re-settled. Who has time honestly.

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DEAR COUNTRY ROADS: YOU, OF ALL PLACES, NEED LIGHT REFLECTORS

Taking the path less traveled is a popular thing in today’s society. Physically and metaphorically. You can be whoever you want to be, regardless of how things looked in previous generations. Actually, though. Whoever you want to be. Girl, boy, both, neither, inanimate – whatever your soul is telling you. And then of course physically exploring the hidden gems of the world is usually a fan favorite for the Instagram. Because we all want a piece of that exclusivity.

Like most things in life, someone has to be first. Who was the first person that looked at a jackfruit and thought, you know what, I bet that’s delicious! I’ve seen a jackfruit and I have to say, if I saw it in the wild my first thought would be that the dinosaurs are back. It’s gigantic. And looks prickly. And it’s called a jackfruit … as in jack and the beanstalk? Did the giant drop that too? Don’t even get me started on the inside of it. I mean, think about how lucky we are that it’s safe to eat. How many casualties have occurred because of curious minds and weird looking things in nature?

Alas, I digress into the realm of the mind less traveled. Much like how it feels to drive through country roads. Not country as in we’ve left the obvious city limits and are in the suburbs country. I’m talking about when you see one house and it will be minutes, driving minutes, before you glimpse another one. The cow to people ratio favors the bovines. Heavily. And the “traffic” jams involve you getting stuck behind a slow moving tractor. Are you with me? Better keep up because if you get lost in this field I might never know where to find you.

Country roads are … not for me. They are endless. For some reason there is never a posted speed limit. I guess you have to be born into that secret. Most of the time the road signs have either vanished, or never existed in the first place. Or it’s just State Road and some random number. The cell service is also mysteriously missing. Everyone has satellite dishes. And there are no light reflectors. None. Not because they’ve been worn off over time. They just never existed. Sometimes there are barely even lines.

Have you ever tried driving down a country road at night? There are minimal houses so the only light comes from the solar system and your high beams. Under normal weather conditions, this is not acceptable but it’s kind of fine. It’s a ride at your own risk adventure, especially at night, so you should have left earlier. If, however, you happen to get unlucky and experience even just a slight rainfall, well good luck getting out of there alive.

Rainfall on most roads at night while driving is the worst. During a drizzle, people’s headlights reflect off the rain on your windshield and you’re blinded. Get a steady rain and it reflects off the light poles and you’re blinded. Drive into a downpour and the rain falls so heavily that you’re blinded. It’s a lose lose lose situation. Regardless of rain power. But that’s with other light sources and people helping you make educated guesses about the road. Eliminate your two phone a friend lifelines and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

Rainfall on country roads at night while driving is a suicide mission for those of us from the ‘burbs and beyond. During a drizzle, the rain is distracting and makes it annoying to see the road because there are no light reflectors indicating where the middle lines are (or are supposed to be). During a steady rain, it’s almost impossible to see where the road ends and the fields begin because, again, no light reflectors. During a downpour, you might as well stop and plan to camp with the cows. Unless your plans for the night also included off roading and getting stuck in some corn crops.

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LIFE LESSONS FROM OWNING A PET

It’s Tuesday. Which means that yesterday was Monday. And Mondays are, well, the worst of the weekdays. 7 out of 7 as you are well aware – straight from the official weekday RANKINGS. Having survived another grueling start of the workweek and making the long, exhausting commute from the bedroom to the home office, while somehow managing to get a shirt on and your hair brushed, we all know what makes your stress disappear at the end of the day. That’s right! A dog! Or, I guess, technically, your pet.

Owning a pet is one of the best things you can do for yourself, your future self, and your social life. Thesis statement: check. Takes me back to middle school and the adventure that was the writing test. Or really any English class ever. Three parts to a well-written paper (supposedly). Beginning, middle, and end. The beginning should hold your main point for the whole essay. The middle should support the argument. And the end should wrap that nonsense up. Take your multiple paragraphs or finely tuned BS and summarize it in different words.

Then you get the creative writing classes which are all like stream of consciousness. Who needs structure. Write what you feel. And teenage me was so confused. Several years later TRP is the result so if you’re not a fan, blame the school system. If you are a fan, blame the school system. Ok … let’s wrap that tangent up. School taught me how to write with a confusing blend of structure and nonsense. Yipee. Like school, pets have also taught me a lot about life and what’s really important. Specifically:

Some Things Are Out of Your Control

Like what day of the week it is, or who is willing to take you on a walk. Either way, accept it and live your best life!

Little Things Matter

Like getting lunch delivered or finding your favorite toy under a couch cushion. Small things add up, so stop and smell the roses!

Attitude is Everything

Like choosing to not be stressed, or choosing to jump all over your owner when they come home. Either way, it’s up to you boo!

Don’t Just Forgive, Forget

Like when the sales guy calls you out in a meeting and you take the high road even though you weren’t part of the issue, or when you get in trouble for stealing raw chicken off the counter. Move on – life is too short to hold a grudge!

Squirrels are Sneaky Little Devils

No further comment …

Make The Most Out Of What You Have

Like when you realize that Whales are their own unique snack, or when you only have kibbles in your bowl and no human treats. You don’t have to have it all to have it all!

Love Everyone

Like when someone cuts you off and you choose to not send them a certain finger signal, or when a new puppy threatens your attention levels. We’re all people, choose the high road!

Do What Makes You Happy

Like when you call in sick to work and go to the spa, or when you play with a squeaky ball by yourself. Happiness is the best feeling in the world and it’s 100% in your control!

Loyalty is Sexy

Like when you celebrate your first decade together, or when you protect your owners from the birds that could present a threat. Nothing is better than knowing your true love is loyal!

Sometimes You Just Need a Hug, or a Tongue

Enough said ….

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DEAR S’MORES: YOU MAKE ME MELT

Can you think of a better pairing than graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows? Cinnamon graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows? Chocolate graham crackers, chocolate, and marshmallows?! Wow, I just about up and went for an overnight trip to the woods. S’mores are really the highlight of any camping trip. The most exciting part about them is that the camping part of the equation is 100% optional. So, in other words, s’mores are the highlight of being outdoors.

Hold on, back up a quick second. S’mores, for sure, are the highlight for outdoor adventures. But thanks to, I’m not actually sure who … the Internet, food bloggers, food companies, millennials, Mother Nature, electric companies? Anyways, at some point, the brilliant idea was formed and distributed widely to the general population of the world that s’mores could be an indoor activity. Mind freaking blown. No need to expose yourself to the creatures that will wander over to try and nab the delicious-looking, perfectly burned, marshmallows.

Oh, and the smoke. Listen, I love a good bonfire, but I hate the bonfire smoke and will actively move continuously around the circle to avoid it. There is nothing worse than going outside to enjoy a nice, contained and non destructive, fire only to return to the house smelling like a tobacco factory. Hard pass. That smell is something awful and is like a leech on your clothing. Even the Snuggle bear struggles to get it fully out the first time through the wash. Then you start to get weird looks and questions from people close to you – are you doing alright? Are you managing your stress in healthy ways? Are you having a MID-LIFE CRISIS? Yadda yadda yadda.

What a fun tangent we just journeyed on together! In short, I will risk smelling like a smoker if it means I can eat a s’more. However, that is not necessarily a required evil of the process anymore. Because we’re a progressive species and have things like ovens, and toaster ovens, and microwaves now. Which all happen to live where? In the doors! And require what? Zero fire! I would like to take this moment to point out that graham cracker packaging has not kept up with the innovative times in the food industry. What is happening with the packaging? How is it still awkwardly 9 (nine?!) crackers to one non-resealable pack? Who is using 9 graham crackers at once? Why is 27 an appropriate number of graham crackers? Is that 3 per person or is someone not getting a second. I’m so concerned.

Unlike the graham cracker manufacturers, Hershey’s has decided to keep up with Jones’ so to speak. Their chocolate bar packaging now conveniently has directions for making s’mores using one of the predetermined four cooking options. How cute! Like we don’t know how to make a s’more. I mean, come on, are we sea creatures? Even the cavemen had fire – shoot, they probably invented the s’more! There is not a simpler food to make, other than maybe milk and cereal. Cracker, chocolate, marshmallow, then another cracker.

S’mores have but one instruction. Make sure the marshmallow is warm. And, if we’re being honest with ourselves, that is a suggestion. You could eat a cold s’more. It’s an ice cream flavor so it’s clearly been done before! How warm your marshmallow should be is a hot debate in the camping dessert world. I like my marshmallow to be completely burnt, other people like a light toasting, others like a pure white, massively expanded one from the microwave. No judgement, you do you. Burn that ‘mallow, melt that chocolate, and fill your insides literally glow with excitement over what is happening on your tastebuds.

If s’mores aren’t your thing, clearly you need better Google searches. Because the days of the OG chocolate and marshmallow are over. They ended the minute people started becoming millionaires as food bloggers. Anything that has any of the three iconic ingredients and can be eaten as a handheld option, can classify as a “s’more”. Why stop there, though?! Any dish can be s’more flavored now because that’s the beauty of modern day cooking. S’mores dip! S’mores cereal! S’mores lasagna! Go freaking nuts! Add peanut butter! Add caramel! Add bacon … idk whatever will make you smile.

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ALL OF MY THOUGHTS WHILE BEING STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR

Elevators are an invention. A way to assist in moving vertically with minimal effort. Or if you are physically unable to use stairs, which, in that case, this post is not for you. As a mildly claustrophobic person, you can imagine that elevators are rarely my first option for getting between floors in a building. While I do regret saying this to the whole world that is the Internet, and thus, is forever, I am a stairs first kind of kid.

Stairs have a lot of advantages over the metal death box that is the elevator. For one, it will never fail on you electrically. It will never stop unexpectedly in the middle of the ascent, or descent. It will continue to be the emergency exit route in case of fire … or when you find out there’s a BOGO at the taco truck down the street and you need to get in line yesterday. It will always be a better form of exercise. It will not require awkward silences with strangers. Overall, a solid option considering there are usually only two at any given time.

I think now is a good time for emphasizing my point. Stairs will never fail on you electrically and they will never stop unexpectedly in the middle of the ascent, or descent. Elevators, however, will and do. At a shockingly high rate. Their stability and built-in “safety” measures for when you shift your weight from one foot to the other way too quickly leave a lot to be desired. And in case it was unclear from the title of this post, one of my nightmares came true recently and I got stuck in an elevator. Not even a nice, big service elevator either. Just a standard hotel, can maybe fit 6 people pre-COVID, elevator.

Never have I met someone who has wanted to get stuck in a confined metal space with minimal decorations and no cell service, so I have to believe everyone can relate to my rollercoaster of thoughts, emotions, and panic, during my 90 minute experience. To truly pull you into my mental state, I would like to set some initial background context. I, thankfully, had my significant other with me, but it was just the two of us. It was late at night. We were stuck in between two floors and thus hanging helplessly by the elevator cables in a floating box of death. And with that, please enjoy my survival story:

Did … did the elevator just stop?
Why are the identifying floor numbers stuck on 3?
Did … did the elevator lady just say that we were experiencing technical difficulties?
Why are the emergency lights coming on?
How do we get out of here?
Oh my, we are actually stuck
None of the buttons work – are the buttons supposed to work?
I can hear the alarm when I press the button, but no one seems to be responding to our cry for help
Resist the urge to panic
The call button says we’re being connected to the elevator company and … we’re on hold?
Why are we on hold? How many elevator emergencies happen at 11PM?
The operator! Finally!
Oh dear, we’ve been disconnected
Call back and we are somehow STILL ON HOLD?!
Clearly the call button is not going to be useful. Like the alarm button. Why even have those in there? What kind of sick false hope is this?!
Which one of us has a cell signal?
I see my cell service doesn’t extend into elevator shafts
Time to embrace that the inside of this elevator might be the last thing I see
Thank the heavens, my SO has one bar!
Is one bar enough to call the hotel? Apparently, yes
Not sure that this is the right moment for my SO to make small talk with the hotel clerk so … HELP US! WE ARE STUCK IN THE ELEVATOR!
Message received, maintenance is coming. I might live to hit another rooftop bar tonight after all
The amplification of noise inside an elevator car is shocking. One would never know unless they were forced to stay in one place for a while
Why is everyone in this hotel accessing the other, working, elevator from this floor?
If the maintenance guy tells one more person that we’re stuck in the elevator I’m going to hulk smash through the door
I see that throwing the breaker 10 times didn’t fix it so what’s next?
And, we’re back to having to contact the elevator company
Thank goodness I used the bathroom before we got on this death ride
Is it getting hot in here? Is there even fresh air flowing in?
How do people successfully trick their minds to be in a happy place? Because right now my mind is hella aware of where my body is
Breathe. In and out, in and out, in and out
The elevator company apparently responds to phone calls but not emergency signals from the inside of the elevator. Interesting
Someone is coming to get us out in a cool 45 minutes
Where is the company located that it’s going to take 45 minutes? Do they not get police level speeding privileges for this? I could be having a panic attack
If we called the fire department, would they arrive sooner?
Should we call the fire department?
Would the elevator company be mad if we called the fire department?
Guess we will wait, it’s been almost 45 minutes already so … what do we have to lose? Besides phone battery
Did I lock my car door?
What late night eats will be open when we are finally able to get out of this thing?
Never in my life have I craved being in my home on a Zoom call as much as I am right now. Free to roam around
Why do the new Starbucks store designs look like weird shipping containers?
How much emotion exists for a fish? Like what is that spectrum?
If I had known we would have been in here for so long, I would have brought my cake leftovers
What … is that? Is that the door finally opening?
It’s the elevator man!
And the hotel staff who want to take us to the lobby … on the other elevator … like the stairs aren’t an option

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I JUST REWATCHED WONDER WOMAN 1984 AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

Wonder Woman. Enough said. She’s a woman casually saving the world and making it look so effortless. Makes us ponder the age old dilemma: can women have it all? I think Diana Prince has given us a strong yes to that question, especially as we get a look at her superhero journey and struggling between love and saving the world. Despite all the wonderfulness that is this movie, I still had hella observations and gnarly questions:

Starting off strong – what parents let small children roam aimlessly through endless forests? Seems unsafe … animals eat children
I realize now why I will never be a superhero. I am unable to do anything remotely gymnastics based other than tumble into the soft block pit
If someone could explain the rules, and / or purpose, of the beginning contest to me and why a child would be competing against grown adults that’d be great
Life lesson #1: no true hero is born from lies
Is Diana not tired after all the warm up running she did before the competition and then, you know, the whole competition?
Are you even at a mall if it doesn’t have a JCPenney’s?
I think we all would like Wonder Woman to come deal with some of our exes, or maybe a co-worker, or maybe the line at the DMV after the beatdown she put on at the mall
Barbara is all of us at one point or another and she’s my favorite character. So awkward, so genuine, so innocent
Have to love the random gusts of air inside a building in the movies. The realism is insane
Life lesson #2: talking behind people’s backs is rude. They can hear you
‘Have you ever been in love?’ ‘So many times, yea. All the time’ – me every time I’m about to eat cheesecake
Who goes to bed in full makeup? That’s how breakouts happen you’d think Wonder Woman, of all people, would know that
New pickup line option: ‘I have a great relationship with Sears’
Is Barbara not suspicious of her newfound attention from men, and people, in general?
Who was in charge of casting Maxwell and Allister? I don’t see the resemblance
Walking in heels should be an Olympic event
Did … did Steve look different when first talking to Diana?
Life lesson #3: futons are not comfortable and should be cancelled
Have you ever been caught in bed stuffing your face with Pop-Tarts? If not, did you even go to college?
Why were swimsuits the gym fashion of choice for females? What did they wear to the beach?
80s fashion was truly a sight
Good to see the DC Metro looks the exact same that it did 40 years ago
Did anyone else know the extensiveness of the Smithsonian career network before watching this movie? I, for one, thought they were purely for visitation …
Life lesson #4: the truth is bigger than all of us
Imagine getting to spend some time in the future. We would all be Steve
Where on the National Mall is there a hidden airfield? How did that happen? How did they get there? Do those planes even work?
How terrifying would it be if a giant wall just appeared where you were trying to drive?
Did the taxi driver not think to ask for a ride after losing his car? Where is he going to go in the desert?
Does Diana always pack her superhero suit? Or is she always wearing it?
I wish I could just jump on a trampoline half as gracefully as Wonder Woman vaults through the air after being flung from a tank
Those children would not be ok after falling onto the pavement from that height and at that speed. Hollywood lies, I see
Is it just me, or did Diana change outfits during the Cairo trip? I remember seeing no luggage on the plane
Even Wonder Woman isn’t immune to the kryptonite of love
What is the decor theme in Maxwell’s office? What does it have to do with business, or oil?
Who brings a sword to a gunfight?
Where is the White House security team during the gunfight, by the way? Does this raise no alarms?
Oh dear … Barbara has turned evil in an unsurprising, but still disappointing, twist
And there’s the White House security team. 3 years later
I appreciate the nice creative twist on the worst case Cold War outcome, though
Life lesson #5: true love lasts the test of time
Steve is the true hero of the movie. If he hadn’t convinced Diana to renounce her wish the world would have imploded
How does Diana’s hair not get so incredibly tangled while literally flying?
Wonder Woman takes ride the lightning to a whole new level
Again, where does the gold suit come from? Did she have to go home and get it? Does it magically pack down into a portable size?
Why does Barbara look like a cat from your worst nightmare? She could have been anything
I take back what I said about Barbara being my favorite
Even though we all knew the ending was coming, I still loved it
Life lesson #6: greed is not the path to happiness
Did everyone just forget the chaos that occurred and the almost end of the world? Or do they just have holiday amnesia?
What happened to the guy whose body Steve took over while Steve was in it? Did he go into a coma? Did he miss all the insanity?
Does she ever miss her family?
A brief Asteria appearance at the end … what does that mean?! Is she still alive?! Where has she been?!
Is love your kryptonite?

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TIMELINES ARE OVERRATED

Everyone loves a good deadline. An estimated time of arrival. Tracking information. A saved date. Any sort of deadline that helps you understand when you will get what you want. Because then if it’s late, you have a justified reason to be annoyed. Or frustrated. Or sad. Or any sort of feeling you need to feel. Maybe you’re excited – there are probably deadlines that would be appropriate to celebrate a swing and a miss on. How long a loved one is expected to live? That feels like a good one to exceed.

My favorite kinds of deadlines involve food. Uber Eats. Doordash. Any sort of pizza delivery service. Wait time to get a table at a restaurant. Wait time to get into a restaurant. The amount of baking time left on pretty much any sort of dessert item. The amount of cooking time left on pretty much any food item, really. Be it 30 seconds in the microwave or 75 minutes in the oven. I. Am. Ready. For the food. To eat the food. I love the food. The food doesn’t always love me, but that’s how it goes with humans too so I might as well get to eat something delicious before the storm.

Speaking of 75 minutes in the oven, hello Stouffer’s reps … what is happening with your frozen meal options? I opt for frozen meals when I want to eat quickly. Why are most of your products 45+ minutes of bake time? For that, I could make something from scratch. And the whole point of submitting myself to who knows what chemicals and an ungodly amount of sodium in the frozen meal is to not have to put in any effort. And yet, here you are with a cruel mindgame of a grocery option.

Regardless of my newfound annoyance with my previously favorite macaroni and cheese brand, we all want to know when things are happening. Clearly my need for a timeline leans towards the digestive system, but another fun option is shopping. Right? Especially today when online shopping is basically the cornerstone of our economy now. Who needs to put in effort to drive to a store that may, or may not, have what you want when the Internet for sure does. All the sizes, in all the colors, and in all the styles. What’s not to love? Other than the waiting part for your box to arrive, obviously.

As much as I also enjoy a solid delivery date, I find most timelines for life to be overrated. You know the ones I’m talking about. The non-tangible deadlines. When you should start dating, when you should graduate college, when you should find a career path, when you should get engaged, when you should get married, when you should have kids, when you should get a house, when you should have a LIFE CRISIS, when you should retire, when you should move into a retirement home, etc.

Aren’t those fun? Feeling the unspoken judgement of people. I’ve never been good at following the timelines, because I think they can end up leading to settling. If you feel like you have to find your soulmate by a certain age, you’ll find someone by that age. Soulmate, or not. You will find them. I personally think life tends to work out better when you just go with the flow. Maybe that means you are your last single friend for … a while. Maybe that means you take a few victory laps to get your degree. Maybe that means you bounce around to different jobs because you like learning new things. Maybe it’s deciding that you want to rent forever. Maybe that’s deciding to retire in your 20s and travel the world working odd jobs.

You do you. Don’t let other people dictate your actions. Don’t let societal pressure make you settle because you feel like if you don’t, no one will take you seriously. Don’t care what other people think. It’ll work out when the time is right. The universe can’t be rushed no matter how bad you want it to speed up. Just breathe. Relax. Kick up your feet, crack open a cold one, and chill.

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THINGS MY DOG DOES THAT ARE SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE FOR HUMANS TO DO

I’d like to start this post off by saying that I love my dog very much. Just in case she somehow learns how to read. Then just in case she figures out how to use a computer, and the Internet, and learns how to read my mind to figure out which blog I write. And then just in case she actually accesses this site only to discover my thoughts about her often curious behavior. Am I judging some of the things that she does? A thousand percent! Dogs are weird. And we love them anyways. Which is a good lesson for how we should treat ALL PEOPLE, really.

Now that I’ve reiterated for the thousandth time how much I love my dog to all of the Internet, we can move on. Dogs, as a species, are shameless. Full of love and loyal to a t, but absolutely shameless – in the best possible way. They’re also an animal. So that combination of zero cares and having the mind, instincts, and habits of a creature is entertaining, to say the least. What exactly am I getting at? Well, I’m so glad you asked! Let’s talk about all the things our pets do that make us do the confused head tilt:

Lick Their Butts
- For cleaning purposes most of the time, at least I’m assuming. As humans, though, we have that next level invention: toilet paper. We also have thumbs so I guess there’s that
Sniff Other Dogs’ Butts
- Is this like the “perfume” that dogs wear? Only it’s all natural? Why is that your choice in introduction? Best not to think too much about this one
Lick People
- It is technically a sign of affection. But read bullet point number one again and all of sudden this isn’t as cute
Sniff Other Dogs’, and Their Own, Poop
- Because I guess if you can’t be with your friends the next best thing is to remember what their butt smells like? Texting works as well, but again, no thumbs so I’m not sure how successful that would be
Lick Other Dogs
- My only belief here is a sign of affection for their “friends” … know what I’m saying? I’m not sure if dogs do monogamy, but if they do and my belief is right, my dog is a straight up HO!
Chase Squirrels, and Frankly Most Other Animals
- As one does, but at least it’s good exercise
Lick Themselves
- Again, probably for cleaning purposes, but maybe when they’re bored too because my dog can’t possible be as dirty for as often as she “grooms” herself
Put Anything, and Everything, in Their Mouths
- I don’t understand this at all! Why the mouth? What if it’s sharp? What if it tastes bad? What if it’s poisonous? One way to find out, I guess
Lick Toys
- To soften them before mauling them? To apologize for mauling them? To show their love before and after mauling them? Also not sure here
Lose Their Minds Over a Squeaky Toy
- Ah, the predatory instinct coming in strong. The catnip for dogs
Lick a Blanket
- Is it not soft enough? Next time you use a blanket, try licking it and see how weird you feel after
Perform a Pre-Nap Circling Ritual
- You have a space and you want to … what? Make sure that the circumference of your body will fit there? If I ever just walked in circles I’d be given a breathalyzer
Lick The Couch
- Do we spill that much food during our TV dinner nights, daily snack shows, and morning pick-me-ups? Maybe. Or maybe the dog is just weird
Nap Anywhere
- Literally anywhere! But I don’t mean anywhere as in a car, or a plane, or normal human places. I mean the middle of the floor. Middle of the kitchen. On the stairs. Who cares! If it fits, it can nap
Lick the Carpet
- Again with the licking! Probably hunting for leftover crumbs somewhere because they …
Shamelessly Beg For Food
- All the time. We feed our dog. A normal amount of food. And yet one would think we starve her to death based on how she acts around human food
Lick the Floor
- At this point, we get it – they lick everything for fun
Pick Up Sticks with Their Mouths
- Imagine if you went to a park, saw a random stick on the ground, it doesn’t even have to be a good one, and you just bent down and put it in your mouth. Then carried it with you for a while until you got bored. What a weird thing to do!
Lick the Ground
- Because dirt is secretly delicious and all us humans have been missing out for years, I guess
Roll Around in the Mud
- Never in my life have I seen a bunch of mud and thought, I’d love to be covered with that. And yet, my dog believes she is bathing in all the beautiful glory that is the outdoors. Shamelessly

That pretty much sums up all of the things my dog does. She is a licker if it was unclear from the list. I do understand that not all dogs lick all things like my lovable rescue, and yet, all dogs, at some point, lick things on this list. Are there weird things your dog does that didn’t make this list? Nothing would bring me more joy than to know about that so please reach out! I mean that 100% unsarcastically, too, dogs are my life.

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WHY YES, I WOULD LIKE A STRANGE MAN TO BREAK INTO MY HOUSE, EAT MY FOOD, AND LEAVE ME PRESENTS

Ah, Christmas … excuse me, the holidays. Thank you politics for continuing to ruin all good things. Such a magical time of year with the lights and wrapping presents and cookies. SO. MANY. COOKIES. I think it’s funny when people say they’re dieting or “watching their sugar intake” anytime between mid-October and January. What is even the point? Do you hate yourself that much to deny all the best, most peanut-buttery Reese shapes? To choose not to eat a piece of the yule log, or peppermint bark, or anything pumpkin flavored?

I’m a big believer in finishing what you start, so if it’s Q4 and I still haven’t decided to take my diet seriously, then it’s just not going to happen. Finish strong! Besides, that’s what New Year’s resolutions are for, right? Why bother during the three consecutive holidays whose main themes are food? I mean, look, Santa pretty much only eats cookies and he seems to be doing alright. He’s basically immortal. I’m trying to hop on that diet train for freaking sure. He can also fly, and train reindeer, and has a memory that could even make IBM Watson scared. He knows everyone. IN. THE. WORLD. That alone is impressive, but good old Santa is like ‘you know, I can do better than just knowing them … I’m going to keep records of all their actions too’.

Now, this sounds all innocent and cute and what not, but I see what’s happening here. You can’t fool me jolly old Saint Nick. Since the beginning of time, everyone has wanted to know how he does it. How is it possible that one man and eight reindeer can deliver presents to everyone in the world in one night? Not one month, not one week, not even one day … one night.

Enter the naughty and nice list. Why give everyone presents when we can easily play God and judge the actions of others? If they’re naughty, scratch that name off the list. One less house to visit. Now repeat this for all the people clearly dating Satan and trying to impress his demonic self. That’s a whole different topic – some people just need a hug, a smile, and a whole lot of Jesus. Anyways, so we’ve started to weed people out. Satan be gone! Who’s next? Well all the people who made bad decisions – so every adult ever. Boom! Knocking off suckers left and right! Anyone else? All the kids who don’t believe because they’re trying to be “cool” and “grown up”. News flash: growing up is not as cool as it looks. Just trust me on this.

Who does that leave? Literally only anyone under 5 because even Santa has a little bit of a soul and knows they are so innocent they can’t really do anything massively wrong. Problem solved. Santa stalks us and waits to see that one little slip up because you had just broken up with bae and were confused and that couple was all about the PDA life and it was just too much at that time so you told them to eff off and get a room. Welp, congratulations! Your name just earned a huge strikethrough. Good thing I’m an adult now and can buy myself presents to make up for the lump of coal I’ll be getting from the big man.

In a shocking twist, I have some serious concerns, though, about Santa’s delivery method for the people that are lucky enough to remain on the nice list. When I order something, from say Amazon, the package shows up at my front door. I owe the delivery person nothing. The delivery person has never set foot in my house. Life is good. On Christmas, however, this is not the case. Front doors are too visible, I guess, for Kris Kringle, so the chimney is his vessel of choice. And not just to throw the presents down – that would be too easy and law-abiding. No, Santa chooses to break into the house. And we all welcome it! We actively leave snacks for him as a reward for committing a crime. What is this teaching children exactly?

Moving past this blatant disregard for human safety. An unknown man is in our house (because, let’s be honest, nobody really knows who he is), eating food that we paid for, and leaves us gifts that he knows we want since he stalked us. Putting it like that doesn’t sound so ho ho holly jolly now does it? What if he wasn’t a happy old fella and was actually disgruntled and angry? That would be a very different story Christmas morning – why is our living room trashed and all our valuables missing? Mmhmm makes you think, doesn’t it. He could be a serial killer. Yet it’s more important that we have someone else come up with gifts for our offspring than to just go buy something for them. But happy holidays!

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you also feel weird about the conspiracy that’s coming from the North Pole, best to keep that to yourself. As weird as it is, the big man seems sane and happy for now so no need to stir that pot. Thanks for reading!

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The Restless Professional

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