I WINE, YOU WINE, WE ALL WINE FOR A REFILL

I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure that wine is what fuels the Earth’s core and keeps us happily rotating around a bright, hot ball people call the Sun. After all, sunlight helps plants grow, such as a vine. Which, last time I checked, looks a lot like a plant. It has a brown stick looking thing and some green leaves. Green leaves that also happen to produce juicy, delicious little orbs in multiple colors. If you carefully handle the vine, retrieve the orbs of goodness, gently place them in a barrel, then smash them all up it gives us the syrup of the sun: wine. Seems to me like a perfect lifecycle. In summary: wine makes the Earth go around the Sun, who in return for our never-ending presence, abundantly continues to produce the ingredients. Science.

The Sun is surprisingly human in this theory. It doesn’t want to be alone. Relatable? Yes. If you thought no, might I recommend making some friends? Nobody wants to be alone. So like a typical human, the Sun buys happiness and friendship with grapes…for wine. In case you forgot what this post was about. Relatable? Meh, I personally am not rich enough to buy my entourage so strangely enough they just like me. The Sun is a big star though so we probably live totally separate lives. It has over a million Twitter followers. Wait, sorry, that’s a London newspaper. The REAL Sun account only casually has like 13.5K, but follows NOBODY. Not sure how the other planets feel about this…seems like we could be nearing a revolt. Where everyone breaks off to find a better leader. One who follows back. Like a real friend. Although we have established the Sun simply buys planets with alcohol so I guess it’s not super genuine.

Coming back in from the black hole I just fell into, wine! If you don’t like wine, first of all you’re a liar. More importantly, now is a good time to start, don’t let the experts scare you off. Second, I don’t trust you. If I can’t drink two entire bottles of wine with you (one for each of us because I have restraint obviously) then how can I tell you any of my secrets. You’ll remember all of them. Mmm, nope sorry that would be two bottles of something either clear or brown. 

With wine, everything just sounds less serious and adult-y. Plus, wine comes in fun, approachable, warm colors: red, pink, and white. The colors of love. I mean, what else do you want?! You can literally drink love. Feeling stressed? Drink some love and feel better. Going through a bad breakup? Get some love in you. Lost your job? Pour a little love on those tears. I’m calling BS on anyone who doesn’t want more love in their life. So, in other words, everyone is a wine drinker. Even if you’re a closeted wine drinker. When you’re ready to admit that to the world, we will welcome you with open arms and a bottle of wine. 

Now, I will be the first to admit that I am no wine connoisseur. I could not tell you how old it is, where it came from, what the flavor palette consists of, which foods go best with it, etc. Mostly because I don’t care. I have simple criteria:

  1. Is there alcohol in it?
  2. Do I like the way it tastes?
  3. Can I find it on the bottom few shelves at the grocery store?

Apparently there are five steps to drinking wine (five!) and only one actually involves the drinking portion (or, the important part). If you are a well-seasoned wine drinker, then you can skip over this section. For all the blooming grape leaves, here are the recommended steps to enjoying your glass:

  1. See
  2. Swirl
  3. Sniff
  4. Sip
  5. Savor

That seems like four unnecessary actions here. Can I taste the hint of oak in there? No, because, believe it or not, I don’t go around tasting different types of tree bark. Sorry, not sorry that I prefer human food. There’s actually a term for this: barkstripper. I have to be honest, that does NOT sound like an innocent animal that gets its nutritional needs from a tree trunk. If you’re curious, there are seven types of barkstrippers:

  • Tree squirrels – makes sense
  • Beavers – also makes sense
  • Black bears – now I’m lost, just eat the honey
  • Field mice – are they strong enough to strip the bark?
  • Mountain beavers – this is oddly specific
  • Porcupines – I didn’t really think of these are needing to eat, more of just predators, but maybe that’s what the spikes are made of
  • Rabbits – I thought they ate vegetables…

I’m so curious now about what exactly the barkstrippers gain from eating wood. Is it an essential vitamin or mineral? Surely it’s not fat, carbs, or protein? Do they prefer certain tree types over others? Are certain trees the “upscale” bark and do those come at a higher price? Just why? There seems to be a lot of other options available.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know a wine drinker, pass this along so they can appreciate all the wine love. If you know someone who doesn’t (publicly) drink wine, share this so they can stop being ashamed. Thanks for reading!


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WHO NEEDS LOVE WHEN THERE’S CHOCOLATE

V Day. No, not like that, get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about love, and sex, and magic…ok, so maybe it is like that – Valentine’s Day! The original Hallmark holiday. The only day of the year where you’re publicly allowed to express your love for your partner. Well, maybe not the only day. Obviously you are allowed a bit of PDA on your wedding day, too. Otherwise, though, keep that nonsense locked down. Nobody wants to see that! 

Wait, I’m sorry. For some reason I was thinking we were still in the Victorian Era where ankles were risque and it took people all day to get dressed just so they could take it all off and go to bed. Alone. In separate rooms. With no goodnight kiss or hug. No verbal commitment of love. Like Cupid always hoped for.

Nowadays privacy is a term that doesn’t really exist. After sex selfies? Of course your followers want to see that – hi mom! Posts of every time you text each other? I was feeling a bit left out of the relationship so thank you for giving me detailed updates. Overly detailed scenes in all movies PG-13 and up? Kids have to grow up someday, might as well start the conversation early. 

Thank goodness we have a day to do all of those private things in front of others. Nothing says you’re my favorite person in the whole wide world more than a dinner that costs as much as rent. And of course a present, probably something special like a piece of jewelry that costs as much as a car. Then to top it all off, a night cap, which happens to be free, because money can’t buy love. The holiday comes at a super convenient time, too. You’ve just finished paying off your credit card bills for all the holiday presents you had to buy for everyone you’ve ever smiled at. What better time to start fresh! You have the whole year to pay it off. Ok, that’s not entirely true. There’s your anniversary, and each other’s birthdays, and summer vacations, and the Memorial Day / Labor Day blowouts and fall tailgates and then it’s holiday season again.

So that’s the coupled up version. The single version can be cheaper, it can also be just as much. Who else is going to treat you if you’re by yourself? Might as well go ALL OUT. Like someone who just paid off their student debt, all-inclusive vacation HERE. I. COME. And what would the special day be without chocolate?! Well, then, and only then, would it be sad. 

Chocolate plus a tropical vacation with good looking people waiting on your every need is a form of love. Self-love. Chocolate love. Arguably the best kind of love. Chocolate won’t hurt you. If anything, it will help give you love handles. If only those were as nice as they sound…on the bright side they do help protect you when you fall abruptly on your side. I guess that’s where the name comes from. Surely it’s that innocent, what else could it possibly be? What about the heathens who don’t like chocolate, you may be wondering? Listen, unless you’re allergic, there’s not really a good excuse to just simply not like chocolate. Doesn’t sound like we would get along. Or be compatible. So you can “celebrate” with kale, I guess, and I’ll live my best life. 

All this love is overwhelming. No wonder we keep it wrapped up to a single day. Our hearts, and our waists, cannot handle anything else. No matter which side of the spectrum you fall on, taken or nah, it’s best to wait until the 15th when everything is on sale. Chocolate included, kale not so much though.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who lives for Valentine’s Day, acknowledge their feelings, then kindly let the 14th pass without fanfare. You can buy more chocolate on sale then you can at regular price – just saying. Thanks for reading!


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I LOVE MY DOG MORE THAN I LOVE YOU

Dogs are simply the best. That’s it, that’s the whole point, no need to go any further with this post – dogs are awesome and more people should have them. Think about all the adorable, fluffy, happy-to-just-be-alive puppers you’ve ever been graced with meeting and if that doesn’t make you smile then I don’t believe you actually have a soul.

I’m not naive, though, for all the joy that dogs bring to humans there are a few exceptions to enjoying the presence of a dog. If your excuse is not listed here, then I’m sorry but it’s not a valid excuse for not loving dogs:

  • Ugly Dogs (we all know which breeds I’m talking about, but in the spirit of inclusion I won’t call any of them out on here)
    • Yes, there are ugly dogs. I, a self-proclaimed and always right, dog lover will admit that certain dogs make me cringe a bit and it takes all my will-power to not look away immediately, but to smile and make it feel somewhat loved still
  • Mean Dogs
    • Maybe you’ve had an unpleasant experience with a mean doggo that scarred you and has left you unable to forgive the entire species. Take a step back for a hot second and realize that no species is perfect and there’s always the idiots who bite people for no reason and make everyone look bad. Don’t judge a book by the ones around it – kick that son of a b*tch (literally, get it) in its snout and move on to find the millions of cuddly, loving dogs out there
  • Allergic to Dogs
    • This is probably the most valid excuse, but just because you’re allergic to real dogs doesn’t mean you can’t look up amazing, life-changing GIFs of cute puppies from time to time to make you feel complete

Feel a certain type of way about that list? Alright, hit me up and let’s chat about it…I feel confident I can change your mind. Anyways, I digress from what really matters here which is that 🎶dogs are better than people. Hey, don’t you think that’s true? Yeah, people will beat you and curse you and cheat you, everyone of them’s bad…except you 🎶

That’s what obviously goes through my dog’s brilliant mind everytime I come home, or open the bathroom door, or walk into the room where she happens to be playing with things by herself because she ain’t got time to wait on nobody. I mean, come on, what’s better than being greeted by a dog who’s happier than Buddy the Elf because you came back?! For them. And no other reason. Not because it’s where you live and you pay way too much money to stay there. Not because it’s where all your food is kept and you haven’t eaten since breakfast because Bill from Accounting scheduled a lunch meeting…without lunch. Not because you need to change clothes because you spilled your coffee on it when your coworker decided that walking backwards down the hallway would be not only a good idea, but a productive use of their time. No, you only came home to play with and love on the dog. Which 90% of the time is true actually, I just want to see my dog.

Dogs also don’t hold grudges so you can yell at them and tell them they’re bad and they’ll stop wagging their tail momentarily, but if you just walk out of their sight and come back 2 seconds later they’ve forgotten it all! Including what they were disciplined for, but the cuteness factor makes it fine…I guess. And when you’re sad or angry or lonely or emoting in any type of way, you can tell it all to the dog and they’ll sit with you and chew on their bone. Maybe they’ll cuddle with you if they’re into that. Maybe they’ll give you a kiss. Maybe they’ll walk out of the room for a better, more fun option. But, they will NEVER judge you or tell anyone else your secrets.

If you’re like me (then you’re clearly right and I also bet you’re awesome and that we would be the best of friends) then you let everyone know what’s up: my dog is my one true love and good luck if you think you can change that.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who doesn’t like dogs, then share this with them so they can see what they’re missing. They may choose one of the excuses above, which is fine, but let them know that your friendship won’t work and to please close the door on their way out. Thanks for reading!


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