I JUST REWATCHED THE PRINCESS DIARIES AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

Genovia, the land I call my home! Genovia, Genovia, forever will your banner wave! And all of your outdated rules about how a princess should behave. Despite some questionable requirements for royalty, who doesn’t love a good rags to riches story? With the glow-up of the century to boot. Mia embodies a true confused millennial spirit as she is presented with the throne of a country and as much as I love this story, there are moments that confuse even myself – a fellow confused millennial. Please enjoy all of my questions and observations presented by official TRP decree:

The opening credits have a very 90s animated movie type, but it was 20 years ago so I’ll let it slide (unlike Clarice)
Imagine living in a refurbished fire station … your alarm clock could be the siren
Their neighbor is Mr. Robitussin? Like the cough medicine?
I see electric scooters were cool even in the the early 2000s
Lana, Anna, and Fontana give off pre Mean Girls Mean Girls vibes
Why does Lilly carry around a rubber band ball? Did they not have stress balls back then?
Imagine if debate was a required class in high school. The absolute trauma as if high school isn’t stressful enough
Is rock climbing an approved future princess exercise? I would have guessed yoga or pilates
I wish someone would tell me to meet them somewhere with zero context and give me the address to a consulate
Mia’s social skills are impeccable all throughout the movie
‘You’ve got pears in your flowers’ – yes, good eye detective Amelia
I admire Mia’s ability to be 100% herself even in the presence of royalty, part one
Kind of them to accept the challenge of turning Mia into a princess, like they had another option
Why open the gate if she’s running away? Why not keep her locked in?
The Thermopolis home looks like a modern art museum
Is Mia qualified to be a princess owning a cat, not a dog? Pretty sure that’s the main dealbreaker to lead people … someone should alert Clarice
Does San Francisco not have safe drinking water? Why open a water bottle to pour it in the cup?
Not sure I would put Spain and Portugal on hold until a teenage girl gets over their current mood swing. Could be years before they even out
Mia in a limo for the first time is me with every new piece of technology I get
Good thing Mia is a princess because she definitely isn’t going to be a professional athlete
Does Mia not know how saliva works? It definitely doesn’t work like glue
Cringe moment! The mom is dating a teacher? Come on mom! You might as well kill all of the (little) social potential Mia had
Who keeps putting Mia on sports teams? She clearly is not capable in that area of life
‘I’ve never put on pantyhose, but it sounds dangerous’ – Joe, and every man ever who has experienced a woman putting them on
Paolo, Gretchen, and Helga – the Charlie’s Angels of the fashion world #GenoviaStyle
Why does everyone wear sunglasses indoors in the early 2000s? Was that acceptable then? Because it still isn’t acceptable now
Eye for an eye. Glasses for a brush. Seems fair to me
Michael has an OG High School Musical Zac Efron vibe going on
Lilly doesn’t seem to be best friend level in tune with Mia’s emotions most of the first half of the movie
Mia’s sense of self never ceases to amaze me in this movie. Truly the best part of the whole thing, part two
Not the friendship charm! In the dirt?! That’s too far Lilly
Why has no one created a business from throwing darts at paint balloons? We have trampoline parks and DIY pottery, but no dart painting? Smh
Does Mia ever do homework?
Gupta’s phone conversations are the definition of efficiency
Is Paolo the equivalent of Judas? Hollywood version and #GenoviaStyle?
The school announcements are so great. Don’t submit assignments virtually, stop rearranging the lawn tables, etc.
There always has to be a villain trying to get their face on postage stamps
We’ve all accidentally set something on fire at a fancy dinner, haven’t we? Why must there always be candles? We have electricity
Were there no dinner etiquette courses during Mia’s training?
How did Mia find the creepiest arcade in the whole world to take Clarice too?
Look at Clarice, sneaking out of a ticket with that famous womanly charm and made up titles
And, just when you think Mia is growing up, her 15 year old brain kicks in and she falls for the popular boy’s ruse. Bailing on Lilly AND Michael – rude
Who would have guessed that Josh would double cross Mia? Literally everyone
Can Mia be any more naively trusting of the worst people in school? She did it to herself I don’t feel that bad about the sailor Josh and Banana triplets incidents
Wait … Grove high school has a soft serve ice cream machine in their courtyard. I really missed out in public school
Why do Mia and Lilly keep going back to sports? It’s been established that they’re more of the artistic type well before this rooftop apology scene
Not sure I agree with the choice to waste an entire ice cream cone to make a point. Could have used anything else and saved the ice cream
What is the purpose of taking the cat to Colorado? It can’t climb the rocks with you. It can’t hike with you. It can’t go anywhere with you. It would just be a mooch
Of course there is a pear juggler because why not
Pretty sure pizza and M&Ms do not go together in the same bite
At what point do you stop putting money into a car and count your losses?
Shocking tear jerker moment when Joe shows up to rescue Mia from the storm and save all of Genovia – my emotions were not ready
And with one speech we crush the uprising of the evil Baron and Baroness … and their postage stamps
The queen just awkwardly leaves Mia in the middle of the dance floor to find her own partner? What if Michael had not shown up? Would Jeremiah have been chosen? Joe? Some rando?
20 years later – still a fantastic movie with an even better lesson, part three

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

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I JUST REWATCHED WONDER WOMAN 1984 AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

Wonder Woman. Enough said. She’s a woman casually saving the world and making it look so effortless. Makes us ponder the age old dilemma: can women have it all? I think Diana Prince has given us a strong yes to that question, especially as we get a look at her superhero journey and struggling between love and saving the world. Despite all the wonderfulness that is this movie, I still had hella observations and gnarly questions:

Starting off strong – what parents let small children roam aimlessly through endless forests? Seems unsafe … animals eat children
I realize now why I will never be a superhero. I am unable to do anything remotely gymnastics based other than tumble into the soft block pit
If someone could explain the rules, and / or purpose, of the beginning contest to me and why a child would be competing against grown adults that’d be great
Life lesson #1: no true hero is born from lies
Is Diana not tired after all the warm up running she did before the competition and then, you know, the whole competition?
Are you even at a mall if it doesn’t have a JCPenney’s?
I think we all would like Wonder Woman to come deal with some of our exes, or maybe a co-worker, or maybe the line at the DMV after the beatdown she put on at the mall
Barbara is all of us at one point or another and she’s my favorite character. So awkward, so genuine, so innocent
Have to love the random gusts of air inside a building in the movies. The realism is insane
Life lesson #2: talking behind people’s backs is rude. They can hear you
‘Have you ever been in love?’ ‘So many times, yea. All the time’ – me every time I’m about to eat cheesecake
Who goes to bed in full makeup? That’s how breakouts happen you’d think Wonder Woman, of all people, would know that
New pickup line option: ‘I have a great relationship with Sears’
Is Barbara not suspicious of her newfound attention from men, and people, in general?
Who was in charge of casting Maxwell and Allister? I don’t see the resemblance
Walking in heels should be an Olympic event
Did … did Steve look different when first talking to Diana?
Life lesson #3: futons are not comfortable and should be cancelled
Have you ever been caught in bed stuffing your face with Pop-Tarts? If not, did you even go to college?
Why were swimsuits the gym fashion of choice for females? What did they wear to the beach?
80s fashion was truly a sight
Good to see the DC Metro looks the exact same that it did 40 years ago
Did anyone else know the extensiveness of the Smithsonian career network before watching this movie? I, for one, thought they were purely for visitation …
Life lesson #4: the truth is bigger than all of us
Imagine getting to spend some time in the future. We would all be Steve
Where on the National Mall is there a hidden airfield? How did that happen? How did they get there? Do those planes even work?
How terrifying would it be if a giant wall just appeared where you were trying to drive?
Did the taxi driver not think to ask for a ride after losing his car? Where is he going to go in the desert?
Does Diana always pack her superhero suit? Or is she always wearing it?
I wish I could just jump on a trampoline half as gracefully as Wonder Woman vaults through the air after being flung from a tank
Those children would not be ok after falling onto the pavement from that height and at that speed. Hollywood lies, I see
Is it just me, or did Diana change outfits during the Cairo trip? I remember seeing no luggage on the plane
Even Wonder Woman isn’t immune to the kryptonite of love
What is the decor theme in Maxwell’s office? What does it have to do with business, or oil?
Who brings a sword to a gunfight?
Where is the White House security team during the gunfight, by the way? Does this raise no alarms?
Oh dear … Barbara has turned evil in an unsurprising, but still disappointing, twist
And there’s the White House security team. 3 years later
I appreciate the nice creative twist on the worst case Cold War outcome, though
Life lesson #5: true love lasts the test of time
Steve is the true hero of the movie. If he hadn’t convinced Diana to renounce her wish the world would have imploded
How does Diana’s hair not get so incredibly tangled while literally flying?
Wonder Woman takes ride the lightning to a whole new level
Again, where does the gold suit come from? Did she have to go home and get it? Does it magically pack down into a portable size?
Why does Barbara look like a cat from your worst nightmare? She could have been anything
I take back what I said about Barbara being my favorite
Even though we all knew the ending was coming, I still loved it
Life lesson #6: greed is not the path to happiness
Did everyone just forget the chaos that occurred and the almost end of the world? Or do they just have holiday amnesia?
What happened to the guy whose body Steve took over while Steve was in it? Did he go into a coma? Did he miss all the insanity?
Does she ever miss her family?
A brief Asteria appearance at the end … what does that mean?! Is she still alive?! Where has she been?!
Is love your kryptonite?

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MINIONS ARE THE ULTIMATE SOULMATE

Finding real love is hard. Some people don’t ever really find it. Some people find it every other week. Some people find something close enough to what they wanted, so they make it work. Some people get lucky and do find the kind of love they always dreamed about. Wherever you fall along Cupid’s arrow, I think we can all agree that people want to find love. I would argue that most people want to find their soulmate. Whether it’s one of many that will walk into their lives, or the only one, feeling that connection is special.

Feeling that connection with dogs is too easy. Easy enough that I fall in love with every cute little pupper that I see. Why? Because it’s so fluffy, I’m gonna die! Is this a problem? Some people in my life might think so. However, as much as we all know I could talk about dogs for pages and pages, this post is not about falling in love with our pets. It’s about the challenge of finding that strong feeling for human people. Whaaaaaaaaaat?! Indeed. Love between two human beings.

If right now you’re thinking, ‘you got to be kidding me’, totally valid. Hear me out, though, I believe that Pixar has solved all of our issues when it comes to soulmate expectations. Sure, sure, there are plenty of movies out there that do the complete opposite and fill our heads with thoughts of how our love story should look. Realistic, or not, it’s our current reality. Thank you social media and technology and Hollywood. It leaves a lot of us confused. Or worse. But instead of going down that rabbit hole of something awful from the past, let’s instead talk about happier times.

Lightbulb! Enter everyone’s favorite little yellow banana men. Dave, listen up please! I’ve put a lot of thought into this, and I believe that the minions may be the ultimate soulmate created in an animated fashion by an entertainment giant. They’re extremely loyal, for starters. I mean come on. Unless they’ve been injected with some evil liquid that messes with their DNA and literally makes them a different species, they would die for Gru. With zero questions asked. It’s a simple existence, with minimal stress. Get directions, follow directions, look back and laugh at the complete misunderstanding of said directions.

Let’s move past this blind full send mentality of theirs, because that’s not an appealing quality for everyone. The minions are highly adaptable and resilient to everything in life. Do they ever get hurt? Can they even die? Do they ever get sick? Can they even feel pain? Imagine how much money you’ll save on doctor’s bills, lab bills, life insurance bills, etc. You could go on so many nice vacations for that! Or get so much food and beverages of choice!

If that alone isn’t appealing, have you ever had to pay a medical bill before? But fine, ok, moving onwards and upwards to more exciting things. Let’s talk about the instant number of new followers you’ll get … I mean, there’s hundreds of them and they’re all best friends. So if you nail down one, by the nature of the minion loyalty pact, you are in with all of them. Imagine Thanksgiving dinners. Wow! So much entertainment. So many shared dishes brought. Although, let’s be honest, the majority will probably be bananas but those are good to prevent leg cramps so you can stretch to your heart’s content.

For all the banana haters of the world, never fear! Think about all the challenges you have with communication. Imagine a world where that would not be an issue. Nobody knows what they’re saying. And they don’t really understand you. So it would be this fun world where you just had to interpret, to the best of your ability, what they told you. Lots of siren sounds would for sure be in play, which could be good or bad, but who’s to say which way.

Like with all soulmates, though, there are downfalls. Nobody’s perfect after all. They have the maturity of a toddler. They light things on fire. They’re tiny so there would have to be appliances of different sizes in the home. Might have you yelling ‘curse you tiny toilet’! Trying to get them away from Gru, Agnes, Edith, and Margo is pretty much impossible. We don’t know what human food does to their digestive system. They have a lot of combat skills, one would assume, given the nature of the work they do. And to wrap it all up, they’re technically villains.

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I JUST REWATCHED MONSTERS, INC. AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

Nobody likes having monsters under their bed at night. At least not until we learned how absolutely lovable they are! I think monsters have gotten a bad reputation in the human world for some time, and thankfully Mike and Sully helped shed some valuable insight into the reasons behind the scare. Despite the questionably logical approach to energy creation in Monstropolis, I have some unanswered questions, and plenty of observations from this adorable film:

We get a very Soul type vibe in the intro. Jazz music and all. Nice recycle here Disney, though Soul did have a necessary modernization for it’s 2020 release
The main monster in the intro skit looks like a venus fly trap
This little boy in the simulator is not suspicious that his closet door opened on its own? Fake news
How does Flem manage to destroy the entire room?
I enjoy the intern vibe of the assessor’s “assistants” not knowing the answer to clearly a basic question
Mr. Waternoose is correct – there is nothing more deadly or toxic than a human child. Thus, my current lack of them
If screams produce energy, why does Mr. Waternoose casually let a whole capsule free just to prove a point? Seems like a waste
‘Less talk, more pain Marshmallow boy’ – if that isn’t motivating, I don’t know what it
Does Sully just wake up and work out, growling at Mike and all, without brushing his teeth?
Monsters, Inc. matches children to their ideal monster? That is a nightmare factory of a serial killer
We’ve all been Mike in the Monsters, Inc. commercial – covered up by the logo and not giving a darn
How is it efficient for the building doors in Monstropolis to all be customized to its residents?
Grocery is not spelled Grossery, but maybe monsters can’t spell
If the monsters are walking, why does the sign say Don’t Stalk / Stalk? Nowhere else in the movie is it referred to as stalking
Do any calls get through at Monsters, Inc.? Celia puts everyone on hold
You could roll Celia into a ball and she would still only be about half as round as Mike
Why would you put a slug monster in charge of keeping the floors clean?
‘My succulent little garden snail’ – wow, incredible use of adjectives for what is obviously a monster version of a Karen
If monsters created the ability to jump through some space time continuum into human bedrooms, why haven’t we figured out the reverse?
The scare floor is quite the operation … like a factory line … for nightmares
‘A kid almost touched me. I could have died!’ is a relatable feeling for all young, single millennials
The announcement for neverminding Randall’s temporary lead is like every day on the job where you think you’re doing a good job, then realize you’ve been doing it all wrong
One would think there was a less intense process to remove a single sock from a monster. A kid, yes, then the CDA seems necessary, but a sock? So extreme
How do you become a scare recruit versus an ordinary Monstropolis citizen? How hard is it to get accepted?
Lol odorant instead of deodorant
Is Mike the only assistant that doesn’t file his paperwork? How has he not been fired?
Why doesn’t Sully just throw Boo in her room, like a football, and slam the door? It would be more effective
Did Sully really think flushing those toys down the toilet would work?
Is Boo demented? Why does she want to play with Sully? Who is a monster
I think having an octopus as the sushi chef is a bit of animal profiling and also a sick joke. He’s probably chopping up his friends
No one notices a walking bag in a nice restaurant? That doesn’t raise any concern?
‘It is my professional opinion that now is the time to panic’ – a news report in Monsters, Inc. that also could run at any point in today’s current society
Imagine you’re a giant monster, and there’s a tiny child – why not just scare them and let CDA handle it?
If Sully and Mike live in the penthouse, how did they just walk out the door onto the street?
Did they not realize how innocent kids were when they were asleep? Why does Boo have to be the one to show them?
How many kids have walk-in closets? Apparently everyone in the world. And how many remember to close them each night? I don’t even close my closet door
Bring an obscure relative to work day – how does Mr. Waternoose not know he didn’t approve that
Is Boo actually potty trained? I find that hard to believe
How is Boo so slippery? Why does Sully keep losing her?
‘Put that thing back where it came from, so help me’ is the Pixar short we all need in our lives
Why is Celia in a neck brace? How did that happen? What was her arrest like? It seemed pretty docile
Mike legit forgot that lunch was in 5 minutes? I’m calling BS since every employee ever knows when their lunch break is
Sully basically saw his pet get run through a trash compactor and pounded into a block. His poor emotional state
All the CDA agents were using the bathroom at the same time. Why? Are all their relief cycles synced up?
No wonder Sully is single, he gets attached way too quickly
‘1, 2, 3, 4 get the kid back through the door’ – a babysitting moto
When in doubt, go down the dark tunnel completely unprepared for what you may encounter
‘If you’re gonna threaten me, do it properly’ is why we all love Mike Wazowski
Mike says hello to the scream extractor. Those actual words. ‘Hello.’ It’s a machine
Does no one else in the company know this dungeon lab of Randall’s exists?
Who names their kid Fungus? Poor guy
Was Sully previously unaware of his scare face? He had to know, right?
So, let me get this straight … Monsters, Inc. had a door specifically to banish monsters out of? For what reason? Why not just fire them? So dramatic
The Abominable Snowman looks like a giant sheep
Why are the monster lips so realistic looking? With wrinkles and all it’s slightly creepy
Mike is so emotional, but his communication skills are on point
Celia is very up and down with rattlesnakes on her head – what does Mike see in her?
‘What a plan, simple yet insane’ is me before every workout
Do the doors have to move at warp speed in the warehouse? Is that necessary?
Would it not have been easier to climb up the three doors to Boo’s instead of travelling through random kids’ closets?
Sully, the number one rule is to close the door. And what did you not do? Close the door. You deserved to be kicked out
Did the CDA not see Mike and Sully’s claws on top of Boo’s door? Quite observant this group
Mr. Waternoose moves surprisingly well for an old crab
Of course Roz is number one at the CDA. Who else should we have expected?
Was Boo not ever hungry during this adventure? When was the last time she ate?
Boo has a little Jesse, you know, from Toy Story because why not throw easter eggs in
How much therapy do we think Boo will need to mentally recover from this?
Why are Sully’s legs only about ⅕ of his total body height?
Sully pulls the last piece of Boo’s door off his clipboard, which was taped on there, and it comes off, but there’s no tape on there anymore. Never in my life has that been true. Where did the tape magically vanish to?

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FLOWER NAMES NEED A PROTEIN SHAKE

If there’s one thing that everyone knows, it’s that diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Round out the possy with chocolate and flowers and you’ve got yourself a clique. A clique who wears pink on Wednesdays. And where there’s a clique, there’s a group of outcasts. Who are not allowed to wear pink on Wednesdays lest they be smited with a look from the queen of the clique herself that will render anyone friendless for all eternity. The outcasts in this scenario would clearly be all other apology presents. Including, but not limited to, fish, books, cake, your time, center court NBA tickets, and succulents (seriously, why is this still A TREND?!).

Not really sure where I was going with that analogy but get in loser, we’re going shopping! Shopping for flowers that is. What even is happening with flower names? Clearly they were named by dinosaurs who felt that only half of the humans were allowed to receive them as a socially acceptable gift. How do I know this? Well, it’s October 3rd. And on October 3rd, he asked me what day it was. If you’ve never seen the movie Mean Girls, this post may feel confusing to you. I think that it’s best to pause here for exactly 97 minutes and catch up socially to all of the millennials living in the world today.

You go, Glen Coco! Welcome back! You wanna do something fun? Wanna go to Taco Bell? First, this should never be a question. If someone ever simply asked me if I wanted to do something fun, there’s a good chance IHOP or Taco Bell would immediately pop into my mind. What’s more fun than all you can eat pancakes, “bean” burritos, and poor decisions? Nothing. I literally can think of nothing. Except, of course, mocking the biological genera of flowers. Starting off strong with genera instead of genus like the cool things of the world. She doesn’t even go here! In my, professional, opinion, flower genera can be broken down into the following (very female oriented) categories:

Human Names

Buttercup, Lily, Hibiscus, Dahlia, Rose, Chrysanthemum, Daffodil, Rhododendron, Sage, Violet, Magnolia, Petunia, Iris, Azalea, and Periwinkle. I’ve heard all of those names used within the female gender at some point. They’re kind of common and kind of a mood as a parent. Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by Regina George.

Insults

Milkweed, Begonia, Knapweed, Snapdragon, Tickseed, Columbine, Foxglove, Hellebore, Fleabane, and Crocus. Feels very self-explanatory here – how pissed would you be if someone directed any of these harmful words at you? Feels awfully convenient for having to deliver an apology gift. Just saying. Something to think about late at night when you’re trying to fall asleep.

Adjectives

Sunflower, Snowdrop, Pink, Laceleaf, Passion Flower, and Lavender … feels awfully convenient to just name a flower after what it looks like. Uncreative much? Your face smells like peppermint!

Lazy (aka Observations of Human Traits / Actions)

Tulip, Peony, Lady’s Mantles, Dancing-Lady Orchids, Blackeyed Susan, California Poppy, Dusty Miller, and Marigold. Wut? Capital U. Just your everyday observation of the world and then casually naming an entire plant species after it. Because you know, why not?

Tasks

Spurges (like sponges … and, you know, the kitchen / cleaning), Gardenia, and Carnation (awfully similar to incarnation). This must have been done by a man. In the dinosaur ages, only the men would have been so subtle at giving hints. I’m guessing, I’m not a dinosaur, but the way the history books frame them, ay, chihuahua! The limit does not exist.

There’s a 30 percent chance that it’s already raining. Raining on the parade of what you once believed to be an industry that catered to everyone. How many of those genera would be used to name a baby boy? Or describe the actions of a man? Or insult a male persona? Zero. I think what the world needs more than anything, in this clear time of crisis, is to give flower names a protein shake. Let’s rename all of them, the entire species and subspecies, to be more neutral in everyday language! Who’s with me?

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