Tag: Pets

HULU’S COMMERCIAL ALGORITHM: THE ULTIMATE TROLL

Hulu has crashed onto the streaming services scene and has really been making waves. Offering a live TV option. Giving you the fastest access to current seasons. Beginning to rival Netflix’s quality and quantity with their Hulu Originals. Having one of the best color schemes in television apps. Green is honestly superior to red. It’s the color of money for one. And half of the Christmas color scheme. Supposedly, according to my BIF (best Internet friend) Google, our minds associate it with life, nature, energy, growth, freshness, safety, and ambition, among other things.

Despite all the good things going it’s way, though, Hulu has a dark side. Some might think that’s their default advertisement tier. Those people would be partially right. I mean, sure, there is the option to pay for Hulu with no ads. But who has that kind of frivolous spending in their budget? It’s twice as much. And then I would lose my built in bathroom, and snack, breaks. In other words, for more of my money, I would physically have to pick up the remote to pause what I was watching to take a break. That feels backwards. A little unfair, honestly. Thus, I am but a Hulu peasant living with their commercial breaks.

Side tangent aside, the commercial breaks are a necessary evil in my current lifestyle. If you’re living the 1% life and don’t have the basic plan, then you may not be able to relate to the one major downside to Hulu. Which, of course, is their commercial algorithm troll. During my PH years – that’s pre-Hulu in case it was unclear – I thought I was kind of an average, normal-ish millennial. Sure I had my quirks, but overall believed I was in the same general range as my peers. From a lifestyle and preferences standpoint.

However, after leveling up to multiple streaming services and adding the big green H to my TV apps, I’ve realized that I am both a middle aged soccer mom and a lonely college student. I am neither a mom, nor am I middle aged, nor am I lonely, nor am I a college student. At least, I didn’t think I was. Enter Hubert the Hulu Troll. In my mind this algorithm is an angry old man, so I figured Hubert best fit that analogy. Hubert made me realize that I’ve basically been living in some weird dream as a mid-twenties millennial. 

I’m no algorithm expert, but I know that at a basic level it takes your viewing preferences and suggests commercials based on what category it thinks you fall into. Oh, and obviously your smart TV, and any other devices with your Hulu app, listens to your conversations and throws out commercials based on your conversations. So it takes the data it has, steals data from private conversations and stereotypes you. How fun is that?! 

If it feels a bit creepy, that’s because it is. I’ve been talking about adopting a new puppy since the fall. Simply talking. And texting. With my friends and family. On my phone. Which doesn’t have the Hulu app. Yet, guess who keeps getting Petfinder and Hill’s Pet Nutrition commercials? Correct, yours truly. Although, if we’re being honest, it could have been a much worse topic for them to take from my non Hulu related activity, so I guess there’s a silver lining. I get to see adorable dogs on my commercial breaks. On the flip side, though, it also thinks that I have children. I get a disturbing amount of Pull-Ups, minivan, and Hornitos tequila commercials. If Hulu is listening, please just send me more puppies.

Like all good technology, it doesn’t always get it right. Occasionally I get commercials for Meow Mix and I know you don’t know me, but I’m not a cat person. I don’t own a cat. I won’t own a cat. Stop trying to sell me on the impossible. I also find it funny when I get whiskey commercials since I hate whiskey. And all of my private conversations would indicate that. Maybe my significant other is whispering sweet nothings in Hubert’s ear to try and get me on the brown liquor train. But I will stand strong. 

My favorite part about Hubert, is that for a while I naively believed it was just random placements of ads to the highest bidder. Then my siblings, one who is in college and one who just graduated from college, informed me that they got Trojan, Tinder, and Tito’s commercials. At which point I realized that Hubert genuinely believes that I’ve outgrown my youth. I have not received a single commercial for any of those products. And I love a good moscow mule so what’s up with that?!

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: THAT’S A NO FROM ME

Oh, look. Another daylight savings time has come and confused our biological clocks like the demon it is. Why are we still observing this not once, but twice a year? What purpose is it serving? Does it boost the economy? Is it a way to keep the calendar in sync? I would like answers from whoever controls this. Who does control it? Father time? Mother nature? Please tell me it’s not the government. Regardless, it needs to go.

If this happened once a year, it would still be annoying. On the scale of which version is better, spring or fall, that clearly goes to the fall option. I have yet to meet anyone who gets excited to lose an hour of their lives every spring. Time goes fast enough, I don’t need some arbitrary time rule eliminating an hour every year. Thus why the fall is preferable, since I gain that lost hour back. Although, if we’re being honest, that hour would be more useful to me during the summer vacation season instead of during winter.

Let’s break down why this is the worst, and then argue to send it back into the fiery pits of the south where I feel confident it originated. Spring forward. What? Why? It’s 1:59AM going on 3AM. How absolutely exhilarating. Especially since it happens overnight. You go to sleep. Life is normal. Time makes sense. You understand when to wake up and when to sleep. Life is good. Then, BAM! Time change! And all of a sudden you are late to all of your Sunday activities. Your phone says it’s one time, but all your other dumb household appliances say something different. It’s so stressful.

And what if you forget to change all of the possible places that display the time in any sort of fashion? Well, first of all, everything does not need a clock. I would like to throw that out into the innovation universe cloud. If you decide that what you’re building is going to display time, then you better make sure it knows how to sync with the actual time as well. I’m over trying to adjust my microwave clock like I live in the 20th century. I literally don’t have the time. I’ve lost an entire hour.

Circling back, what if a clock is off? Well, in my experience, the clock I usually forget about lives in my car. Which is truly just unfortunate. Am I late? Am I early? I left the house on time, or so I thought. The amount of times I second guess my decision about when to leave in the days following a time shift is astronomical. Usually for the first half of the ensuing week I’m late for every meeting on my calendar. How I still have a job, you and I both wonder. 

In other musings, why is it always a Sunday? A Friday night going into Saturday would allow for more adjustment time. I never know when to go to bed on the night of the incident. My phone says bedtime, but my body says binge time and that is an internal struggle I still haven’t figured out how to resolve. Meanwhile, who has a Saturday night bedtime? It’s more of a fall asleep when you fall asleep kind of vibe. Or if some external circumstances cause you to lose consciousness. No judgement. 

You might be thinking, yes springing forward is my least favorite form of exercise, but then we get to fall back in just a few months. Well I’m here to say that I enjoy falling back as much as I enjoy trust fall exercises. Which is not at all. Do I trust a stranger to catch me? Absolutely not! What if they feel their phone vibrate and are waiting for a text back from their crush? If that was me, I’d sneak a glance for sure. Anyways … falling back is more confusing. Your bedtime syncs up with your grandparents momentarily. And then you’re awake before sunrise and everything is dark and you aren’t sure if you’ve been abducted and sent to Alaska or not.

My last feeling about this, not final though, just going for a somewhat concise post, has to do with our poor animals. Whom we adore. Maybe not all animals, but definitely our dogs. They too don’t know what to do with daylight savings time. Think about it, their internal clocks are synced with the actual daylight – not just the concept of day versus night as presented to us in the form of four numbers separated by a colon. Or Google it, some very smart, scientific, people have researched this extensively while I have merely thought about it for a few moments. 

Mmkay, so overall emotion towards this ritual is not great. I would propose solutions, but there’s only one thing I would like to do with it. Make it disappear. Send it the depths of the ocean where those creatures have never seen daylight once. Fly it into outer space, I think time is relative out there anyways. I don’t care. Just take it away from me. Arizona and Hawaii are looking like excellent options for my next place of residence. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

THINGS MY DOG DOES THAT ARE SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE FOR HUMANS TO DO

I’d like to start this post off by saying that I love my dog very much. Just in case she somehow learns how to read. Then just in case she figures out how to use a computer, and the Internet, and learns how to read my mind to figure out which blog I write. And then just in case she actually accesses this site only to discover my thoughts about her often curious behavior. Am I judging some of the things that she does? A thousand percent! Dogs are weird. And we love them anyways. Which is a good lesson for how we should treat ALL PEOPLE, really. 

Now that I’ve reiterated for the thousandth time how much I love my dog to all of the Internet, we can move on. Dogs, as a species, are shameless. Full of love and loyal to a t, but absolutely shameless – in the best possible way. They’re also an animal. So that combination of zero cares and having the mind, instincts, and habits of a creature is entertaining, to say the least. What exactly am I getting at? Well, I’m so glad you asked! Let’s talk about all the things our pets do that make us do the confused head tilt:

  • Lick Their Butts
    • For cleaning purposes most of the time, at least I’m assuming. As humans, though, we have that next level invention: toilet paper. We also have thumbs so I guess there’s that
  • Sniff Other Dogs’ Butts
    • Is this like the “perfume” that dogs wear? Only it’s all natural? Why is that your choice in introduction? Best not to think too much about this one
  • Lick People
    • It is technically a sign of affection. But read bullet point number one again and all of sudden this isn’t as cute
  • Sniff Other Dogs’, and Their Own, Poop
    • Because I guess if you can’t be with your friends the next best thing is to remember what their butt smells like? Texting works as well, but again, no thumbs so I’m not sure how successful that would be
  • Lick Other Dogs
    • My only belief here is a sign of affection for their “friends” … know what I’m saying? I’m not sure if dogs do monogamy, but if they do and my belief is right, my dog is a straight up HO!
  • Chase Squirrels, and Frankly Most Other Animals
    • As one does, but at least it’s good exercise
  • Lick Themselves
    • Again, probably for cleaning purposes, but maybe when they’re bored too because my dog can’t possible be as dirty for as often as she “grooms” herself
  • Put Anything, and Everything, in Their Mouths
    • I don’t understand this at all! Why the mouth? What if it’s sharp? What if it tastes bad? What if it’s poisonous? One way to find out, I guess
  • Lick Toys
    • To soften them before mauling them? To apologize for mauling them? To show their love before and after mauling them? Also not sure here
  • Lose Their Minds Over a Squeaky Toy
    • Ah, the predatory instinct coming in strong. The catnip for dogs
  • Lick a Blanket
    • Is it not soft enough? Next time you use a blanket, try licking it and see how weird you feel after
  • Perform a Pre-Nap Circling Ritual
    • You have a space and you want to … what? Make sure that the circumference of your body will fit there? If I ever just walked in circles I’d be given a breathalyzer
  • Lick The Couch
    • Do we spill that much food during our TV dinner nights, daily snack shows, and morning pick-me-ups? Maybe. Or maybe the dog is just weird
  • Nap Anywhere
    • Literally anywhere! But I don’t mean anywhere as in a car, or a plane, or normal human places. I mean the middle of the floor. Middle of the kitchen. On the stairs. Who cares! If it fits, it can nap
  • Lick the Carpet
    • Again with the licking! Probably hunting for leftover crumbs somewhere because they … 
  • Shamelessly Beg For Food
    • All the time. We feed our dog. A normal amount of food. And yet one would think we starve her to death based on how she acts around human food
  • Lick the Floor
    • At this point, we get it – they lick everything for fun
  • Pick Up Sticks with Their Mouths
    • Imagine if you went to a park, saw a random stick on the ground, it doesn’t even have to be a good one, and you just bent down and put it in your mouth. Then carried it with you for a while until you got bored. What a weird thing to do!
  • Lick the Ground
    • Because dirt is secretly delicious and all us humans have been missing out for years, I guess
  • Roll Around in the Mud
    • Never in my life have I seen a bunch of mud and thought, I’d love to be covered with that. And yet, my dog believes she is bathing in all the beautiful glory that is the outdoors. Shamelessly

That pretty much sums up all of the things my dog does. She is a licker if it was unclear from the list. I do understand that not all dogs lick all things like my lovable rescue, and yet, all dogs, at some point, lick things on this list. Are there weird things your dog does that didn’t make this list? Nothing would bring me more joy than to know about that so please reach out! I mean that 100% unsarcastically, too, dogs are my life.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

I JUST REWATCHED LADY AND THE TRAMP AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

We all know everyone’s favorite spaghetti memory involves two dogs in love. Right? If you’ve never wanted to share the iconic meal on a date night to casually go in for a quick smooch, do you even have a soul? Anyways, I decided to rewatch the best dog love story created by Disney, to remind myself how great a dog’s love is, and have so many questions and furry observations:

  • The intro basically tells the entire plot through storyboard type drawings so why even watch the movie?
  • The fact that it’s dedicated specifically to dogs brings me more joy than it should
  • Remember mid-1950s animation? What a treat! But, also, thank goodness we’ve evolved technology wise
  • Lady’s Christmas present box has no air holes – she should be dead from the very start
  • Does Jim Dear actually think putting down a piece of newspaper is all it takes to house train a dog? And that it will ‘go right to sleep’? Were dogs not pets pre-1955 or is he just naive?
  • Let’s talk about all the dogs that can successfully only sleep on the bed for one night and then be fine sleeping somewhere else. And … we’re done. That’s not a real thing
  • Why would you give the dog coffee?! Are we to assume that it’s decaf? Because caffeine is poisonous for them
  • If anyone has ever owned a dog, you know that their dreams are the cutest thing in the world
  • What do we think they mean by getting the dog a license? Pretty sure you can buy a tag at anytime not just at the 6 month mark
  • How did the Tramp get in so good with all the restaurant owners? How do I also get them to know my name and give me free food?
  • Jim Dear and Darling are having a child, but they can’t still love their dog? Or even take care of it? Someone’s priorities are off
  • Why is Trusty going through the birds and the bees talk? Surely dogs don’t have sex ed
  • How does Jock know that babies are expensive?
  • Jim Dear is decorating a baby room for a boy while Darling is writing down baby names for a girl. They are not on the same page
  • Their baby shower feels more like a formal dinner party. Going to give the 1950s benefit of the doubt here – part one
  • Why are Lady’s inner thoughts presented as a song? Am I the weirdo whose thoughts are spoken?
  • They had a boy, but the baby blanket is pink. For what reason? The 1950s were not that progressive
  • Aunt Sarah is a monster. Not appreciating Lady in the slightest
  • Ah, well that’s because she’s a crazy cat lady. Problem solved
  • The siamese cat song will haunt my dreams
  • How many animals do the Dear’s have? I’ve seen Lady, a bird, and a fish
  • Who does Aunt Sarah think she is? Buying a muzzle for a dog that isn’t her own? But also, how do Jim Dear and Darling not know how much she hates dogs and just send Lady to the kennel? Like responsible owners
  • Since when can dogs read?
  • If Tony loves the Tramp so much, why not adopt him?
  • How many customers are waiting for food while Tony uses his attention to give the dogs a full fledged date night?
  • Ah, the iconic spaghetti noodle scene is still beautiful
  • And shocker, by the time we get to Lady and the Tramp on the hill staring at the moon, we have seen all the important scenes from the storyboard intro appear in animated form
  • Are we supposed to infer that their relationship was sealed, so to speak?
  • What is Pidge? And how did Lady get that nickname?
  • The depiction of the dog pound is traumatizing. The Humane Society would have a field day with those conditions
  • How is Lady supposed to emotionally trust the Tramp after hearing Peg’s beautiful rendition of his lifestyle?
  • What kind of a love story is this? The Tramp is a pimp and Lady is just his current interest
  • Who keeps the windows open in a rainstorm? For starters, that’s how rain gets in. Apparently, that’s also how rats get in
  • Trusty magically recovers from losing his smell … we’re supposed to believe that? Or he was a liar in the beginning. We may never know
  • So Lady and the Tramp had time to have a litter of puppies, but Trusty is still in a cast?
  • Why don’t the puppies look more like a blend of Lady and the Tramp? Going to give the 1950s benefit of the doubt here – part two

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DOG

Oh, to be a dog. Literally. Not a dog in the sense that you lead on multiple people at once and have zero moral feelings about playing with other people’s emotions. Those types of dogs have some karma coming for them. But actually dogs … for sure I want that life! Zero responsibility, zero shame, zero regrets, zero stress. What is not to love about that?! It’s the epitome of living in the moment and only in the moment. There is no concept of past, present, or future. There is just you and whatever has captivated your current attention. Which could be anything.

If you’re not a dog lover, then I guess the next best thing to picture is probably a television dog. Because, let’s be honest, no other animal compares to the love, loyalty, and happiness that is embodied by dogs. Cats definitely do not. Fish most certainly do not. Hedgehogs, snakes, rabbits, goats, horses, etc. also do not. I know what some dog owners may be thinking right now, though. My dog has been hella needy lately since I’m home all the time and sometimes I just can’t. Hmmm … this is a valid feeling. But let’s back up for a second.

When you come home from anywhere (even from just going to get the mail), who is more excited to see you? Your spouse or the dog? Hands down, zero question, the dog! When you haven’t been to the gym in a while, because who has free time at the moment, who will force you to get some exercise? Your spouse or the dog? Again, absolutely the dog! Your spouse might drop not-so-subtle hints, but the dog has to use the bathroom somehow. When you’re deep in an issue at work and are frustrated, stressed, and hangry, who will come put their head on your lap and give you that look? I’m not going to ask spouse or dog because it could go either way. But for fun let’s say only the dog! 

I have come to the conclusion that dogs have 3 main states of being. There is the attention state, the eating state, and the exercise state. I also have these 3 states, but add another 20(ish), or so, other options and that’s my pie chart. Which is about 20(ish) slices too many. In case the different options for emotions are unclear, I will explain:

The Attention State

Anytime the dog is being admired, loved, petted, talked about, surrounded by, thought of, engaged with, playing with, etc. people

The Eating State

Anytime the dog is actively consuming something. I’m not going to limit it strictly to food, because we all know a dog will eat anything in addition to their kibbles and human food – bugs, sticks, crumbs, other animal’s gifts to nature, etc.

The Exercise State

Anytime the dog is not resting. So any outdoor time, chasing squirrels time, going for a walk time, zoomies time, playing with a rope by themselves time, wrestling time, tug-of-war time, running down the stairs to check on who knows what time, etc.

Now, imagine if those were the only three mental states that could possibly consume your day? Wow! Mind-blown emoji moment. Where’s the stress? Where’s the grudges? Where’s the overthinking? Where’s the relationship drama? Where’s the money problems? Where’s the unrealistic body expectation issues? So many annoying things just gone. Poof! Like a magic wand. And the best part? Even if there is a temporary moment of naughtiness and the humans bring out the discipline, there is no short-term memory to tell you to sulk and think about how you’re going to get revenge. Because once it’s over, it’s over! You’re just happy all the time. I think we could all learn a little something from their existence.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

IF MY DOG HAD A TINDER

My dog is single and that makes me happy because it means she gives all of her love to me. All day long she follows me around and will set up a nap spot in whatever room I also happen to be napping in. Or occasionally doing work in, but if I don’t have a video conference call, who really knows how I’m spending my time? Besides my bi-weekly progress report. Not going to lie, I’m here for this level of loyalty and attention. It’s like being worshipped, but by an animal who doesn’t know any better. To be fair, I was the one who rescued her from the animal shelter and am, what one would call, the fun parent so it’s not all that unrealistic to be treated like her savior. Who takes her on walks? That would be me! Who has no control when the puppy eyes come out and ends up putting more treats in her bowl than kibbles? Unashamed, this is also me! Who will pet her constantly because her fur is so silky smooth? Sí, ‘tis mwah! Who disciplines her? This, most definitely, is not me – she’s an angel and does no wrong!

I was today years old when I realized that maybe I’m the one who’s whipped in this scenario … my dog may secretly be an evil genius. Stroking my ego by acting like I’m her favorite because she knows I’ll give in. I’ve tried to hold out – once or twice, but it only lasts about two seconds before I make up excuses to justify my behavior. We must not feed her, she wouldn’t beg if she wasn’t starving. Duh. Clearly, she doesn’t think we love her so I must constantly pet her and give into her desire to go on a fifth walk today or she’ll leave for a family that does. Obviously.

Anywho … I clearly need to work on my will-power, but that is an adventure for another time. There’s a lot of dating app options on the market right now (for humans, anyways). Pollinate with the bees, jump into the fire of desire, get struck by Cupid’s virtual arrow – there is one for literally everyone. Some are very specific, some are very expensive, and some just provide an eclectic mix of options with a wide variety of endings. Despite all that we have access to, I feel the canine population is being underserved here. Not felines, they don’t love anything except themselves. Actually, I take that back, they would be perfect candidates for Grindr.

Dogs, however, are capable of experiencing emotions other than dissatisfaction and anger. They also tend to be socialized and know how to interact with other animals in a playful / friendly manner. And I, for one, think that if my dog had a Tinder, it would be comedic gold. My pupper loves everything. Except fruit, because deep down she is a weirdo. What dog doesn’t like apples? Or pineapple? Or bananas? Or strawberries? The worst part is that I’m an idiot and every morning think she’s magically grown out of her ‘I refuse to eat fruit phase’, so I give her some of mine. All those wasted raspberries make me sad. 

Alas, I digress. If you’ve never used Tinder and don’t have a real point of reference for what this would look like, I will enlighten you. You make a profile, add some cute pictures of yourself, or not, fill out a brief bio on you, or not, and then get thrown into the flaming hot pit of love. Or whatever it is you’re looking for. Swipe left if it’s a hard pass. Swipe right if you’re mildly interested and / or are looking for a confidence boost. Swipe up to super like someone. That is literally it. Swipe culture at its finest. Judgement being thrown around at scary speeds. 

Knowing what we all now know about Tinder (and it’s eternal flame of connection), let’s pause for a second and imagine what it would look like for the creatures we love the most in this world to join the movement. I lied, don’t do that. I’ve already brainstormed this extensively for the both of us. Before we continue further, let me provide some very basic, but essential pieces of background information:

  • My dog is a female (surely you’ve picked up on this by this point in the post, but *just* *in* *case* you skipped the first part I wanted to reiterate. Also, how dare you?! Go back to the beginning and read the whole post!)
  • My dog is beautiful. Now this may seem biased, but I have it on record from friends, neighbors, strangers on Twitter, etc. that she could be a *dogel without any effort. She is also low-key all about the spotlight and will pose for pictures
    (*Dogel = dog model)
  • My dog is the equivalent of a human lovebug – she’s a cuddler, she loves people, she loves other animals, she doesn’t like to be by herself, she would be a hardcore romantic, I’m convinced
  • My dog loves to exercise and, if we don’t play with her enough, she will play by herself because she also has extremely high confidence

Mmkay! That was super fun for all of us I’m sure (maybe me more than you, but no matter). Moving on to the good part. Let’s take this wonderful ball of fur and put her on the market! She obviously has an amazing gallery of photos to choose from since she will sit so still when the camera is on and make sure you get her good side. She won’t put all 9 possible options up, because she needs to leave a little mystery, but a solid 6 will do. Two self-portraits, two doing something she loves (one with her squeaky ball and one on a walk) and two with yours truly because we’re a package deal. Her bio would be personable, but also intriguing enough to make potential matches need to ask further questions. Something like:

Just a dog looking for a walk buddy so I can go on twice as many. Chasing you is my love language. Curious spirit and will sniff any hole in the ground, fellow living thing, or the same piece of carpet I’ve smelled for years just to see if something changed. Bonus points if you like apples

Now for the best part – get those paws ready – we get to see what deck of animals Tinder is about to shuffle for us. Cat? Like! Bird? Like! Fish? Meh, pass. Squirrel? Super Like! Hedgehog? Like! Centipede? Nope, nope. Snake? Why not, like! Bug? Not today. Dog? OH MY LORD! Is it … is it another one of me? Stop the freaking car! This is a thing? Super Like times a billion! 

Unfortunately, her attention span is less than that of a goldfish so there wouldn’t be much get to know you type of convos happening with all the matches. More like, I haven’t been on a walk in at least 10 minutes – you down? Or, my idiot humans put apples in my bowl again – if you come over in the next minute you can eat it. Or, you look familiar – did you bite my nose when I stuck it down the hole you live in the other day? Or, remember how I used to chase you around the yard? That was fun – I’m down if you can meet me at the driveway in 10 seconds.

Haha she would be a wild thing on there! She doesn’t take any BS and would either call them out or go straight ghost. Her shame levels are negative, I’m pretty sure. But she’s my shameless, confident, little cuddler and I’m not going to let any other human, pet, or reptile take her away from me. What would your pet’s bio look like? During your next work meeting is the best place to think about, at least, in my experience.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

IF MY DOG HAD A JOB

In honor of National Take Your Dog to Work Day, I took some precious work hours to imagine what life would be like if my dog had a job. How does she stay focused? What would she do? Would it be strictly for money, or would she actually enjoy her field? Does she have bills she has to pay? Is that why she has a job? How does she type? Does she even have a computer? Is it less of a tech-y role and more relationship building? How is she working remotely? Who taught her to use a computer and the webcam? Is she a contributor, or does she stare at her beautiful self on camera all day? How has she not been fired? What are her goals and how is she focused enough to meet that? How does she communicate with her co-workers? Do they speak dog?

I could keep going, but for the sake of time, and post length, let’s start with those and see what fun path we end up on. For starters, my dog’s attention span is negative. Unless you have food or have a squeaky toy. In both cases, she is laser focused. This poses several problems in a work environment. One being that no one could keep snacks at their desk because co-worker Dog would be at their side all day and, thus, not contributing her fair share of the work. Another one being that most people would get annoyed at the constant sound of a high pitch squeak from a questionably clean ball. The other major issue is that what happens when neither of these attention grabbers are present? She’s a loose cannon. Nobody knows. Could be sleeping on the carpet. Climbing on a desk. Begging to be pet. Sniffing a chair for the thousandth time. So many potential options.

Given the lack of productivity, what would she do? I’m thinking brand ambassador for something like pet food, pet supplies, or Windex (because there is no spatial awareness between her wet nose and the glass, let’s be honest). Clearly she isn’t in it for the money – she’s a dog. What would she do with money. Probably try and put it in her mouth which is a separate issue. Besides, being a brand ambassador comes with perks. Depending on the industry she could get free food, free squeaky toys, or free attention. Her three favorite things.

This is clearly the right title for more reasons than her attention span and ridiculous cuteness. If given a computer, she would just try to sniff it, lick it, or bite it. Again, we’re talking about a dog without opposable thumbs. Or the capacity to perform computer type tasks. I love my dog (MORE THAN I LOVE PEOPLE) and she is fairly intelligent, but imagine asking your pet to turn on a computer and open the Internet. Pets work on routine. Computer tasks are not routine. If they were, a robot would do them for us. So relationship building it is! Can’t think of a more perfect role for an outgoing pup. Meet new people … constantly. Get them to like you, and we’ll give you a treat. 

With the current situation in the world, you’re probably wondering the same thing as me. Which, of course, is how brand ambassadors are working remotely. Video calls / appearances? Probably works well for humans. But remember how we’ve been over the less than ideal scenario that is your pet using a computer, or a phone, or a tablet, or a smart watch, etc. In an alternate reality, let’s pretend that a human friend (the owner, perhaps) has set up the video call for the dog. What a nice thing to do, you may be thinking. I know my dog, though, and if she saw herself on camera it would be game over. She spends a ridiculous amount of time staring at herself in the mirror so add a bunch of unrecognizable noises coming from the reflection and her head would be in a constant curious tilt. Probably wondering how she could be so beautiful that the reflection wants to talk to her. 

Which, then would beg the question how she has not been fired? There’s only so many times you want to see a dog’s nose right up close and personal in the camera before you realize she isn’t listening to a word you’re saying. She’s in her own world. Has met zero goals. Has no strategy for changing her behaviors and getting back on track. Just a pup entranced by the sight of herself.

Out of this entire scenario, the part I find the most mind-boggling is how she would communicate with her co-workers. Do these humans have a gift I do not of reading the minds of a dog and interpreting their barks? Are they able to respond? Because as far as I know the only words she answers to currently are her name, food, walk, and outside. Seems like a limited choice for making coherent, work related, sentences. Imagine if you were trying to get through her thick skull and accidentally said a trigger word – all progress would be lost. She would be spinning in circles running back and forth to either her food bowl or her leash. And, just like that, all focus is once again lost and someone (probably the owner) would be taking a brief exercise lap around the block for the third time that morning.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

ARE CATFISH THE LAZIEST OF FISHES?

Animal species vary greatly, not only in appearance, diet, and fatality, but also in levels of activity. What kind of creatures do you think of as being active? Go ahead, picture that real quick. I would bet a portion of my savings, not all of it because I’m not a mind reader and humans will say anything to make a quick buck, that you didn’t think of cat or fish just now. Nope. Those are the first two I think of whenever someone asks me what a lazy animal looks like. Well, if someone ever asked me that, those are two I would think of. Shockingly, that question has not come up in conversation yet over the course of my life. I clearly need better friends.

For all the cat lovers out there, I am going to warn you, not apologize, about the following content. For your sanity, and overall calm, it may be best to not keep going. I wouldn’t call myself a cat person, per se. We had a cat growing up. He was chill. I liked him. He also acted like a dog so I think there might be some things that we could read into that. But alas, I’m not a therapist and don’t feel properly educated to share those connections with the Internet. Fish lovers … I actually don’t know anyone who is a self-proclaimed fish lover. Fish as a food, sure, but fish as an animal, nope. 

No matter, onwards and upwards. To places a cat could climb, but a fish would not survive. Where were we? Oh right, lazy animals! Cats expect food, pets (only when they initiate it though), someone to clean up their crap, and unlimited reign of the house. Shall we break this down? We shall. Food: you have to buy them food and treats with your own money. But then they expect little nuggets of human food (chicken, milk, what not) because they can’t be bothered with “cat” food. Dry? Wet? Yes. To both. Because they have to eat a little bit of each for optimal nutrition. Supposedly. Most cats look like they are leaving a lot to be desired in the nutrition department. Then, after you spend more time and money prepping their meals, they want to be pet. Only until they decide they’re done, though. Then watch out because they can and will bite you. Up to this point, I don’t see the appeal. Is it that you get to scoop their litter box? That’s what makes owning a cat rewarding? Or is it that they have zero sense of personal space? Shower? Here I come! Working? I’ll sit on the keyboard to help you. 

That feels like enough to hate on the felines for now. Moving under the sea. Fish? Fish owners get zero value out of these. They get an emptier wallet for sure. Unless you’re keeping fish to eventually eat? In which case, what even? Are you running a baby slaughterhouse? Take the humane approach and buy it post-mortem. Watching fish swim is … an experience? A waste of time? Mind numbing? Heartless? Take your pick. You put a living creature in a very small container where they can swim laps for years until they give up and swim towards the ceiling light. Surely they’re bored. At least bored of staring at your giant face pushed right up against their entire living room wall.

Fish pretty much spend their whole lives searching for food. Despite how great of a movie Finding Nemo was, I feel like it was a bit dramaticized. If you spent your whole life wandering around the kitchen searching for pellets to eat, people would call you lazy. So it only makes sense that fish are lazy. You can argue that they’re at least exercising constantly because they have to move the fins to just stay in place. Mmm … ok, sure. We also move when shifting around the couch to find the optimal position. Is that also exercise? Exactly. 

Let’s wrap this up. You have cats, which are selfish, moody, and lazy. You have fish that are lazy and solitary. Then you have catfish – the epitome of laziness. All the weird cat traits mixed with fish traits. They hide in holes and wait for curious animals to wander in so they can eat it. On the one hand, that’s clever because every species has the few that wander into dark places to “explore”. That never ends well. What do you think is in there? Lucky Charm himself? A talking dog? Piles of diamonds? I have so many questions. On the other hand, live a little. Explore the riverbed you’re burrowed in!

In summary, catfish expect to be fed, they have no sense of personal space, and they’re moody – have you ever seen a picture of one? I don’t know who fed them a bad algae, or if they’re just having a bad hair day, but wow. They don’t look like cats. They don’t look like fish. Maybe that’s why they look pissed off? They don’t belong with anyone they’re supposed to! The personal crisis they must face daily must be excruciating.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.