I JUST REWATCHED LADY AND THE TRAMP AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

We all know everyone’s favorite spaghetti memory involves two dogs in love. Right? If you’ve never wanted to share the iconic meal on a date night to casually go in for a quick smooch, do you even have a soul? Anyways, I decided to rewatch the best dog love story created by Disney, to remind myself how great a dog’s love is, and have so many questions and furry observations:

  • The intro basically tells the entire plot through storyboard type drawings so why even watch the movie?
  • The fact that it’s dedicated specifically to dogs brings me more joy than it should
  • Remember mid-1950s animation? What a treat! But, also, thank goodness we’ve evolved technology wise
  • Lady’s Christmas present box has no air holes – she should be dead from the very start
  • Does Jim Dear actually think putting down a piece of newspaper is all it takes to house train a dog? And that it will ‘go right to sleep’? Were dogs not pets pre-1955 or is he just naive?
  • Let’s talk about all the dogs that can successfully only sleep on the bed for one night and then be fine sleeping somewhere else. And … we’re done. That’s not a real thing
  • Why would you give the dog coffee?! Are we to assume that it’s decaf? Because caffeine is poisonous for them
  • If anyone has ever owned a dog, you know that their dreams are the cutest thing in the world
  • What do we think they mean by getting the dog a license? Pretty sure you can buy a tag at anytime not just at the 6 month mark
  • How did the Tramp get in so good with all the restaurant owners? How do I also get them to know my name and give me free food?
  • Jim Dear and Darling are having a child, but they can’t still love their dog? Or even take care of it? Someone’s priorities are off
  • Why is Trusty going through the birds and the bees talk? Surely dogs don’t have sex ed
  • How does Jock know that babies are expensive?
  • Jim Dear is decorating a baby room for a boy while Darling is writing down baby names for a girl. They are not on the same page
  • Their baby shower feels more like a formal dinner party. Going to give the 1950s benefit of the doubt here – part one
  • Why are Lady’s inner thoughts presented as a song? Am I the weirdo whose thoughts are spoken?
  • They had a boy, but the baby blanket is pink. For what reason? The 1950s were not that progressive
  • Aunt Sarah is a monster. Not appreciating Lady in the slightest
  • Ah, well that’s because she’s a crazy cat lady. Problem solved
  • The siamese cat song will haunt my dreams
  • How many animals do the Dear’s have? I’ve seen Lady, a bird, and a fish
  • Who does Aunt Sarah think she is? Buying a muzzle for a dog that isn’t her own? But also, how do Jim Dear and Darling not know how much she hates dogs and just send Lady to the kennel? Like responsible owners
  • Since when can dogs read?
  • If Tony loves the Tramp so much, why not adopt him?
  • How many customers are waiting for food while Tony uses his attention to give the dogs a full fledged date night?
  • Ah, the iconic spaghetti noodle scene is still beautiful
  • And shocker, by the time we get to Lady and the Tramp on the hill staring at the moon, we have seen all the important scenes from the storyboard intro appear in animated form
  • Are we supposed to infer that their relationship was sealed, so to speak?
  • What is Pidge? And how did Lady get that nickname?
  • The depiction of the dog pound is traumatizing. The Humane Society would have a field day with those conditions
  • How is Lady supposed to emotionally trust the Tramp after hearing Peg’s beautiful rendition of his lifestyle?
  • What kind of a love story is this? The Tramp is a pimp and Lady is just his current interest
  • Who keeps the windows open in a rainstorm? For starters, that’s how rain gets in. Apparently, that’s also how rats get in
  • Trusty magically recovers from losing his smell … we’re supposed to believe that? Or he was a liar in the beginning. We may never know
  • So Lady and the Tramp had time to have a litter of puppies, but Trusty is still in a cast?
  • Why don’t the puppies look more like a blend of Lady and the Tramp? Going to give the 1950s benefit of the doubt here – part two

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

I JUST REWATCHED BACK TO THE FUTURE AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

Marty McFly – the name synonymous with zero shame, bad decisions, and questionable friendships. Dr. Emmett Brown – the name synonymous with crazy, but genius. What an interesting character combo. If my only friend was the town “scientist” who was much older than me, my parents wouldn’t have been so nonchalant about it. Anyways, I decided to rewatch the start of all our current reality let downs and I have so many questions and observations:

  • Is the beginning a scene from Back to the Future or part of Captain Hook’s nightmare. Clocks everywhere, but there is a nice foreshadowing clock with the man hanging off the arm
  • In 1955, Doc’s mantle featured pictures of 4 famous inventors, but his modern 1985 abode only retains Thomas Edison, Ben Franklin, and Albert Einstein … why?
  • Does it bother no one else that the coffee pot is missing? The water would have spilled all over the floor
  • I like my smores marshmallows burnt, but not as burnt as the toast Doc supposedly eats for breakfast
  • It’s nice to see Doc is following top notch safety measures with a key hidden under the doormat
  • Where’s the one place people usually look for missing things? Under the bed. And yet, that’s where the plutonium is being stored
  • Where was the giant amp hidden? And how can Marty still hear anything after getting destroyed by a wave of sound? Don’t get me started on the damage to Doc’s place
  • Doc’s warehouse is casually “hidden” by the Burger King. This is accurate. Had it been a Wendy’s, this would have been a poor location choice
  • Pretty sure you can’t ride a skateboard behind a car. Just need to throw that out there
  • The encouragement from the school principal is … lacking. Also, slacker isn’t really an insult, I’m not sure it ever was
  • Only in high school would the excuse ‘you’re too darn loud’ be used to kick a band off stage
  • You’re telling me that Jennifer casually chose the bench with a Zales Jewelers advertisement on it to tie her shoe in front of Marty? She’s here for the long game
  • Was the crazy street lady really concerned with saving the clock tower or stopping public PDA?
  • How far away does Marty live from the town that he needs multiple different illegal car hitches to get there and arrives at dusk? In 1955 it said 2 miles. And he had a skateboard so what are we looking at – a 30 min trip? Max?
  • What does Marty do with his guitar during the day? Does it go in a music room? A locker? Doc’s place? He doesn’t have it at home, that’s for sure
  • Biff is just lovely in the original, non-tampered with 1985. ‘Who’s going to pay for this beer spill?’ So he’s admitting to drinking and driving? Which was also illegal in 1985
  • If Ralphie, from The Christmas Story, grew up, he would be George McFly
  • What is the fashion sense in the McFly household? Dave is in wannabe golfer outfits, Linda is dressing like a country club housewife, and Marty is sporting suspenders and all denim
  • I’m pretty sure Marty’s sleeping position is now a yoga pose
  • A parked van with smoke coming out of it in the middle of the night raises zero questions
  • OUTATIME – what a vanity plate! Instance #1 of great slogan placement
  • How can Doc see anything with smoke filling the DeLorean?
  • Poor Einstein. He’s like the space monkeys of time travel
  • Wouldn’t you want to get out of the path of the car coming back into the present at a casual 88MPH so it doesn’t hit you?
  • How did Doc and Marty meet, get acquainted, become friends, and decide to trust each other?
  • The date examples of important moments in history are broad: the signing of the declaration of Independence, the birth of Christ, and of course, November 5, 1955
  • Did anyone else notice that Doc was wearing a Hawaiian shirt underneath a jumpsuit with a radiation symbol on the back? Is Hawaii toxic? What is the purpose of this outfit?
  • I’m not an expert on stealing things, but I would bet that admitting you stole something on camera is a good way to get caught
  • Clearly plutonium must be handled with care, but Doc treats the yellow box full of samples a bit rough. Using his foot to open it, throwing things on it, etc. I’m concerned for his longevity
  • Who are the terrorists? Where did they come from? Why are they after Doc? What is this scene?
  • The terrorists have chosen a VW van as their assasination vehicle. Why? I have to believe you would want something with better handling and overall speed
  • Why a rocket launcher? That feels a bit extreme for the situation. Which is unclear
  • Marty has to know he has something on his head when exiting the DeLorean, right? He had to feel that
  • Also, Marty drives away in the middle of the night, says one sentence, and is all of a sudden in the middle of the day a short distance from where he started
  • Miller was clearly the beer sponsor. OG 1985 McFly’s had Miller Lite, but Hill Valley is sporting the Miller High Life truck since obviously, the Hill is higher
  • Why does Marty walk through the town square backwards? That’s a good way to run into people
  • Hill Valley town slogan: Please Drive Carefully! I’m dead – instance #2 of great slogan placement
  • Glad to see that Biff picked up zero new insults in 30 years
  • Imagine if you woke up and your mom, in her younger years, was hitting on you. No amount of therapy could fix that
  • Poor Joey – behind bars the whole movie. At least he seemed to enjoy it at 2
  • A nice foggy night is an ideal setting to be hunting for the hidden time travel in the middle of nowhere
  • Did Marty always show up and get Doc on the time travel path? Or, was Doc just smart and actually invented the flux capacitor?
  • How can a picture disappear? It’s a movie on time travel, not magic. The photo was already printed. Fake news
  • Best introspective question from Doc: why are things so heavy in the future? Where do I even start with 2020
  • Make like a tree and get out of here’ – so, so close Biff. Just like with Lorraine
  • George’s favorite TV show was Science Fiction Theater? Really?! What is that?
  • Lou, give me a milk. Chocolate’ since nothing says confidence like a glass of chocolate milk
  • Lorraine has zero cares about Doc being in the room while flirting with Marty. Good for her. Ask for what you want, girl!
  • What is teenage George’s haircut? Part combover, part lower bowl fade, part buzzed, part something else – I’m so confused
  • Where is Marty getting his 1955 wardrobe from? 
  • The police officer should be more concerned about what Doc is doing with his “weather experiment”
  • Won’t people from 1955 recognize Marty in 1985? Namely, his mother, father, and Biff?
  • The drama in George’s fight scene is too much to handle. Music, slow motion, evil laughter, a helpless woman, I mean, wow! And we get it again at the dance, my goodness
  • If Marty was really that good of a guitar player, he would have a record deal in 1985
  • Marty brings up a very specific, and clearly traumatizing, childhood memory to ask forgiveness for. 8 year old accidentally setting fire to the living room rug? Yes, bud, you should have been in trouble for that
  • Are we just going to breeze over the fact that Doc supposedly had a permit for the car and the weather experiment cables? We never saw proof
  • Great Scott! Absolutely iconic
  • I’ve found that when you’re on a very strict time deadline, it’s not a good time to get in an argument with someone
  • Will Doc connect the cable? Will Marty get the car started? Will it all work? My stress levels are low, but lots of good questions being asked here in the final scene
  • Is the takeaway that DeLorean’s are unreliable machines? Or that you shouldn’t mess with the past?
  • The cable can’t stand up to some wind but it can hold a ziplining Doc?
  • Why does Marty keep stopping the car when he knows it won’t start up again? Has he learned nothing in almost 2 hours?
  • Let’s think about sound. Specifically the sound the DeLorean makes as it disappears. So, no one in the neighborhood heard that and got concerned?
  • A Match Made in Space – instance #3 of great slogan placement
  • Poor Marty just can’t catch a break when he wants to kiss Jen
  • So Doc went to 2015 and got a flying car. We’re living in 2021 and I have yet to see a flying car
  • Did anyone else have date options that included going to the lake or traveling to the future in high school? Or did I just miss out?

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

DO YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY? A PEDESTRIAN AND DRIVER QUESTIONNAIRE

Have you ever been driving and wondered if you had the right of way in your chosen course of action? Be it a left turn, a right turn, going straight, changing lanes, passing a crosswalk, etc. Actually, let’s back up. Have you ever been alive and wondered if you had the right of way in your chosen course of action? If your answer is no, I simply wonder what it’s like to live in the clouds. Oblivious to everything that is happening around you. I’m also very concerned for your general safety and the safety of those around you. 

But hey, I get it. Not everything in life is fun enough to be fully engaged in. Hello pretty much all of 2020. Just because it isn’t fun doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to tune out, though. We’re not children anymore, unfortunately. Last time I checked no one was making me dinner so another night of Goldfish it is! Specific activities require much more attention than others, too, so you have to stay on your game to make sure you’re not treating driving like Mario Kart. I’m all for an epic night of Mario Kart, flying down Rainbow Road like a mad person, but I also understand that Mario Kart and actual driving only have one thing in common: wheels.

Since not all of us have jumped on the self-driving car bandwagon yet, either, driving is still a very much need to be engaged task. Which means that anytime you choose to cross a street as a pedestrian, you too need to be engaged. Otherwise bad things could happen. You could almost hit a pedestrian and spill your coffee all over you. You could almost get hit by a car and drop your milkshake on the ground. Both scenarios are equally traumatizing. Think of all of the food and beverages that could be saved if people paid more attention. Smh. 

To help stop the spread of preventable food waste due to close calls involving vehicles, pedestrians, and roads of some kind (or anywhere a vehicle could go really), I’ve created a simple guide. This can be memorized, printed out and stuck on your bathroom mirror, taught in schools worldwide, set as the background of your phone – anything. Because it’s important. It’s simple. It’s common sense when you think about it. It can save lives. It, of course, is a questionnaire to determine if you have the right of way … in no particular order:

FOR DRIVERS

  • Am I at a red light trying to turn right? Well, is there someone coming down the road I’m trying to turn on? Yes? Then no. No? Then yes
  • Am I at a red light trying to go straight, or turn left? No, what? This is not even a way and also not how the most basic traffic laws work. Red means stop
  • Am I at a YIELD SIGN? Well, again, is there someone coming down the road I’m trying to turn on? Yes? Then no. No? Then yes
  • Am I in a free flowing right turn lane? Yes, and everyone expects you to keep going
  • Am I trying to merge into a free flowing right turn lane? Let’s review, check first and if no one is there then you have the right of way. If there is someone there you better check yourself
  • Am I at a stop sign? Is it all way and have you been there the longest? Yes, get moving! No? Wait your turn skippy! Is it a three way, two way, or singular way stop? If you still haven’t realized at this point that you need to check first I question how you obtained a license in the first place
  • Am I at a stop sign, trying to turn, with pedestrian crossings present? If there are pedestrians, then no. If not, then yes
  • Am I approaching a yellow light? Can you make it through safely without going at ridiculous speeds? Yes, by all means keep going. If you need to top 80 to make it, slow your roll speed racer and wait it out
  • Am I at a green light trying to go straight? YES! The easiest one to remember
  • Am I at a green light trying to turn right? Is there a pedestrian crossing? Better wait out grandma because she has the right of way. If not, shame on you for choosing a non pedestrian friendly city, but yes you do
  • Am I at a green light trying to turn left? Do you have a green turn arrow? Then yes. Otherwise, no wait for all the straight people to go
  • Am I at a flashing yellow turn light? This is the traffic light version of a yield sign so check yourself first before just jumping right out there
  • Am I trying to merge lanes? Kind of if you check your mirrors, check your blindspots, and check your mirrors again for other cars before proceeding
  • Am I trying to merge onto a highway? No. Nope, no one is obligated to let you in that is 100% on you. Assess your speed, assess the openings, and don’t wait until the end of the ramp to look around

FOR PEDESTRIANS

  • Am I at a random place on a random road with zero clearly marked pedestrian crossing zones? If you’re not at a crosswalk then whatever happens is on you. You only have the right of way in a crosswalk, or a pedestrian crossing zone. 
  • Am I at a crosswalk with a stop hand showing? No. Stop means stop no matter how you’re choosing to get from point A to point B
  • Am I at a crosswalk with a walk sign showing? YES! The easiest pedestrian answer
  • Am I at a crosswalk with no signage for go / no-go? Yes, but don’t start your adventure as a car flies through – wait until it’s clear.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

TRAFFIC LIGHTS SHOULDN’T BE A THING AFTER MIDNIGHT

I hate red lights, you hate red lights, we all hate red lights! Because they’re the worst. They’re a straight up vibe killer. You’re rolling down the road, minding your own business, jamming to your best carpool karaoke song, or gaining some knowledge from your favorite podcast, and simply don’t have time to hit the brakes. And yet, traffic lights don’t care. There’s never a fun time for a red light. Either you know it’s coming and have to go through the long, slow, demoralizing braking process, or you think you’re going to make it and then, at the last second, the yellow disappears in half a millisecond and you have to slam on the brakes since you’re too far to make it, but too close to be smooth about it. 

What do we do when that happens? I scream, you scream, we all scream for it to turn green! So we can literally move on with our lives. Green is just a better color than red anyways. It means go. It’s a symbol for money. It’s the color of nature. It’s what the inside of mint Oreos looks like. It’s 50% of the Christmas holiday color scheme. It’s great! Red, on the other hand, not so much. It means stop. It’s a symbol for anger. It’s the color of fire. It’s what the inside of a tomato looks like. It’s 33.3333% of the singles awareness holiday color scheme. It’s the worst!

Then there’s yellow. A perfectly mediocre color in every sense. In my, obviously correct, opinion, seeing a yellow light is worse than a red light. Have you ever wondered if you’ve had a LIFE CRISIS? Have you ever had to play the will I / won’t I make it game with a yellow light? Then yes, you’ve had a crisis. What a cruel world we live in where traffic lights are a tease. Because not all yellows are the same length of time. Which makes sense, I guess. If you live on the moon! What?! It’s either half a millisecond or ten seconds or somewhere in between. We don’t know.

So here we all are, playing traffic light roulette, and hoping not to get a brake sentence. As annoying as traffic lights are, though, they are important during traffic. Thus the traffic part of traffic lights. It’s a control method. Otherwise it would be a madhouse. Survival of the quickest and the fearless. Enter the eyes in the sky to make sure we all maintain some semblance of sanity during our drives. But it seems to me that they don’t make a lot of sense when there is no traffic.

Not, oh look there’s casually no traffic because it’s 10:52AM on a Tuesday morning. No. That’s a happy coincidence for you – thank the traffic gods and maybe buy a lottery ticket since you’re clearly getting some good luck in your corner. I’m talking about when it’s 3:27AM and you’re clearly making good choices with your life and trying to make it home before you fall asleep. When the rest of the world is asleep, well mostly. Other than cool kids like you and your friends.

If you live in a big city, disregard what I’m saying. But if you don’t live in a place that people fly into America just to visit, then read on! At a certain time, lights could turn to flashing yellows and everyone would be happier. Or, at the very least, turn off the timers and turn on the sensors! Don’t tempt me with a red light, a 30+ second crosswalk countdown, and not a soul in sight. When I’m tired. And it’s late at night, or very early in the morning. Situations like those don’t lead to smart, lawful decisions. As I roll up, so should the light color. Just a smooth beautiful transition where, at most, I take my foot off the gas and coast, but I don’t have to tap the brakes. Imagine what that world would be like where you get rewarded for not going to bed at a socially acceptable hour. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

I JUST REWATCHED TWILIGHT AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

Have you ever sat at home on a cold, rainy day and thought to yourself ‘wow, I’m basically in a Twilight movie’? Me neither, but when the weather sets the mood, you have to just go with the flow. Full disclosure: I’m not really a Twilight saga fan. Pretty much not a fan of anything that deems itself a saga because we all know that saga and drama go hand in hand. Anyways, I decided to rewatch the start of all our vampire fantasies and I have so many shiny questions and observations:

  • Could it start in a more depressing way? ‘I’ve never given much thought to how I would die, but dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go’ as a deer gets chased and murdered. Also Bella is moving from Phoenix to Washington – sunny to rainy I mean come on
  • Nice little Southwest plug at the beginning. No assigned seating and bags fly free – is this foreshadowing of some kind? Probably considering the Cullens sit wherever they want while flying and they don’t take bags
  • The city of Forks is the size of a high school, and yet there’s people everywhere. At all hours of the day. All days of the week
  • Do you know any fathers who play fight with each other in the middle of the street while their kids get acquainted? No? Well that’s how Bella and Jacob meet! They’re adult men. Play fighting in the street. One of them is in a wheelchair. What even is this scene?
  • What’s the best way to stand out at a new school? Roll up in an old rusted truck
  • Let’s talk about character names: Bella Swan – elegant, delicate, clearly fragile and in need of a man. Jacob Black – mysterious, dark, and clearly an antagonist. Edward Cullen – sophisticated, strong, smart, rich and clearly looking to protect someone
  • Is there a male character in this film that isn’t in love with Bella? That’s realistic, thanks again Hollywood for setting expectations
  • Does anyone else think that the Cullens are actually just a cult? They “adopt” children, encourage relationships among them, and convince them that they’re vampires who kill creatures and drink blood for nourishment
  • What does Bella see in Edward? He’s only a solid 6, has an accent that changes throughout the movie, and has a staring problem. What a stud. She’s an idiot, example 1
  • Um, the car “accident” scene … let’s break that down: everyone makes a big deal out of Tyler almost hitting Bella with his car. Maybe if Bella didn’t just hang out in parking lots with her headphones in this wouldn’t have happened. Also, why does no one care about the giant dent in Tyler’s van? Since he didn’t hit anything with his passenger door? Another thing, Charlie’s reaction is way overkill – ‘you can kiss your license goodbye’, calm down, sir, your daughter is fine
  • What public high school has a salad bar? 
  • Is everyone in town a good liar? Or only the vampires and the wolves?
  • When you Google something, do you scroll past all the top hits to find an actual book to go buy and hope it contains the information you need? No and yet Bella searches for Quileute legends and her first choice from the Google results is to go buy a book #lies
  • Of all cars to roll up in to save your girl from a bunch of horny men, a Volvo would not be in my top 10 options. Also, this is Forks, WA, not Fury Road – someone should re-administer Edward’s driving test
  • A list of major red flags that Bella ignores: someone who says they can read minds, someone who willingly admits to stalking you, someone who likes to give vagues answers when asked questions about their behaviors, someone with no friends, someone who comes across as super rude constantly, someone who doesn’t wear a seatbelt while driving, and someone who admits they’re a vampire. She’s an idiot, example 2
  • What on Earth is the weather in this movie? In one scene they’re wearing tank tops and in the other they’re wearing coats. What time of year is it? Is it spring? Is it winter? Nobody knows
  • Say, hypothetically you’ve just discovered someone shows undead characteristics. Would you still pursue them? Would you encourage them to follow you into a foggy forest? Would you keep your back turned while confessing to them that you know their secret? Would you tell them you aren’t afraid that they’re a vampire? The correct answer to all of these questions is, of course, no. She’s an idiot, example 3
  • Heaven forbid that the boy sparkles in sunlight … that is the most disappointing lead up of every movie ever made. I’m a disco ball killer. Poor you
  • Bella doesn’t care that he’s killed people before and that he wants to kill her? She just trusts him? What the actual eff? Are all serial killers really just vampires? She has a lot of unwarranted faith that he can control himself around her. She’s an idiot, example 4
  • Maybe if the Cullens had just gotten 6 kids none of this would have happened? Just give Edward someone, that’s clearly all he wants
  • If Edward comes to pick Bella up for school, right after she’s gotten out of bed, how long does he have to stand outside waiting for her to get ready?
  • Nervous about meeting your significant other’s family? Don’t be! Just watch the scene where Bella gets introduced to the Cullens. It’s cringeworthy. Likewise, their first kiss has got to be as bad as anyone else’s, if not worse. Edward literally jumps across the room
  • I can’t say that spidermonkey is a nickname I’ve been hoping to hear in a relationship
  • Imagine how rich we would all be if we didn’t have to spend money on food? No wonder the Cullens are rolling in the dough
  • Could Charlie be a more American father when he meets Edward for the first time? Shotgun next to him, beers on the table, flannel on. Instill some semblance of control
  • When you think baseball, do you also think vampire drama? Me neither, and yet here’s another Twilight gift for all of us. The Cullens just wanted a nice family outdoor outing. Bonding, staying in shape, enjoying the thunderstorm. Enter the rogue vampire clan and their desire to kill Bella
  • I’m no expert, but I don’t think the best way to throw a vampire off your scent is to ruin your relationship with your father? Honesty, I think, would be more ideal here. ‘Hey, dad, FYI, that animal you’ve been chasing is actually a vampire and now they’re after me, how fun!
  • Isn’t the number one rule of hostage negotiations not to negotiate with terrorists? Is that just a TV show rule? Either way, this is on TV and she’s negotiating with a vampire terrorist. And surprise! Her mom isn’t even there who could have seen that coming?
  • Who actually thought that pepper spray would work against a vampire? She’s an idiot, example 5
  • Poor Mimi is going to open up her Dance Studio and have zero idea what happened to all her mirrors and the floor. Pretty sure insurance won’t believe her and she’ll have to pay for all the repairs out of pocket. Sad day for Mimi
  • Bella apparently tripped, fell down 2 flights of stairs, and went through a window at a hotel? And her mom believes this? No. Absolutely not. Her mom is more naive than she is
  • Edward doesn’t want Bella near him because he can’t control himself, but she just screams no and he changes his mind? Is that what I’ve been doing wrong in relationships?
  • Didn’t Bella break her femur? And yet she has a lower leg cast on at prom? Hmmm
  • Is Mike not wondering why all of a sudden Bella is able to make it to prom despite having a non-refundable ticket to Jacksonville for the weekend? He’s still friends with her despite very clearly being friend-zoned and rejected? That’s not real
  • How does Bella still have friends even though she never hangs out with anyone but Edward?
  • There’s a lot of humans in the world. Why can’t James and Victoria just move on already?

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

THE SUBTLE ART OF CHOOSING NOT TO REMEMBER

The dictionary defines forgetting as a failure to remember. An innocent act where a task, thought, sentiment, etc. flies away from our easily distracted minds on accident – never to return. Well, that’s not entirely true. It returns in full force when someone gets mad that you forgot their birthday, or to get cheese at the store, or that you were supposed to pick up their kid from swim practice, or that you love them, or any number of things. In other words, forgetting is bliss. Until it becomes an intense panic.

While there are certain times when forgetting is a valid excuse, I find that a lot of people simply choose not to remember. Failure, after all, is merely a lack of being prepared. So if you aren’t prepared to remember, or don’t care enough to remember, then that’s on you. It’s not an acceptable reason to pick up a pack of store brand graham crackers at the grocery store on your way home because you didn’t realize it was Tuesday and I expect my weekly present. I mean, if you’re going to get me anything from the grocery store as an afterthought, it would be Chewy Chips Ahoy obviously. Or did you also forget how much I like those? Don’t be cheap and don’t be a liar.

Don’t believe me? Ok, I’ll prove it to you in a series of highly relatable examples. It’s fine if you start to blush, or get a little embarrassed reading through these, nobody’s perfect. I, for one, often choose not to remember when my daily morning meeting starts in an effort to send the subtle hint to my boss that they are not my favorite (like a real adult). I have also been known to actively choose non-remembrance when my doctor asks how my diet has improved since the last visit. Hard to say how much was sugar versus healthy … it was definitely a pyramid though so I should get points for staying within the geometric shape.

  • Tests – you “forget” to study for the Monday morning test because there was Friday Funday, Self-Love Saturday, and, of course, Spirit Sunday. There was simply no time and you know that you sit next to the soon-to-be Valedictorian who is extremely book-smart, but tends to write in size 50 font
    • In other words, you could have studied, but you chose to forget
  • Grocery Shopping – you know that you should buy fruits, vegetables, non-microwaveable meals, vitamins, etc. However, fresh produce doesn’t last as long, real cooking is a major commitment, vitamins cost about as much as a vital organ on the black market and you’re mildly healthy (you sit in front of a sunny window most of the day), someone asked you to pick up more milk, but you’re lactose intolerant, etc.
    • In other words, you could have purchased healthy food and been a nice human being, but you chose to forget
  • Chores – as a child, someone is forcing you to remember these. As an adult, not so much. It’s easy to “forget” that the baseboards haven’t been dusted, the refrigerator drawers haven’t been sanitized, the curtains haven’t been cleaned, etc. 
    • In other words, you could have done those, but honestly life is too short to be dusting some baseboards behind furniture. You can pay someone to do that if it bothers you
  • Work – I’m going to let you self-reflect here, but everyone (and I do mean everyone) has at one point been given a task, or responsibility, that isn’t necessarily ideal nor interesting. What did you do? Do you remember? If you say no, that’s because you’re choosing not to – just like you did in the office. ‘Oh dear, I was supposed to go to the basement and replace the lightbulbs in the unused conference room. What a shame. Welp, tomorrow is Bill’s turn, tell him I’m simply ill that I forgot.’ Liar.

So the next time someone tells you they forgot, smile and know that they are probably lying. If they’re at all important in your life, forgive them because we all know you’ve done it to them at some point so have a little moment of karma. If, however, you don’t know them, question their choices in life, but then forget and move on because life is too short to hold grudges. Especially against someone you don’t even know. Sorry, don’t forget, then you would be on their level – choose not to remember.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you didn’t like this post, then choose not to remember you read it. If you did like it, and know someone who tends to forget things (like start times) share this so they can realize they are lying to everyone, including themselves. But do it gently, in a caring, forgiving kind of way. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

NOT ALL TOILETS ARE CREATED EQUAL

Let’s get awkward. Everyone has to use the bathroom. Women included. Why is that a relationship milestone? Comfort level: the girl uses the bathroom … just like me … interesting. I have so many questions on this, but that’s not really the point of this post. Ah, but I can’t resist, let’s address a few of them really quick. Number one quick. What do you think is happening in women’s restrooms? How else would they clear their systems of Taco Bell? Do you understand how human digestive systems work? If so, do you also understand that men and women both have digestive systems? That isn’t a one way street. It’s not a level up prize for part of the human species. Ok, I have to stop before I get further down this drain.

Are diapers considered toilets? Disposable toilets? One and done dump stations? Technically, they are engineered for one purpose. Which, of course, is containment. Although they don’t go into the sewer system … so are they just trash? Disgusting trash, but I guess technically still a stinking piece of garbage. On the other hand, it’s a designated area for the business. I’m genuinely curious now. According to the top hit on a brilliant Google search, they are merely a back-up and “not full-time toilets”. I don’t have children, you’re welcome universe, but I have friends with children. Who I’m sure would argue that the diaper IS a full-time toilet until a grown-up, plastic, potty training toilet can be introduced. What parent out there is using diapers as merely a backup option? You’re telling me that you spend the day closely monitoring the child and hoping to correctly guess at which point to rush them into the bathroom? No. No, I don’t buy that. We are all much too busy to be observant to someone else’s bowel schedule.

Ok so we will remove them from evaluation. Let’s stick to toilets that are purely not disposable or plastic in nature. Like a Scrubbing Bubbles toilet gel. Which, I find to be one of the most fun cleaning products on the market. And I just aged a million years writing that sentence. I have no regrets, though. What better way to clean than to give your toilet bowl a shot and walk away. 1, 2, done. No need to count to three, the toilet can’t feel what’s happening. Bathroom cleaned. Everything should have an automatic, clinging, cleaning gel. The sink, the oven, the baseboards, any surface that accumulates dust, the shower, your car, your phone case, etc. My life would be spotless. But my immune system would be garbage.

Anyways, I’m deeply distressed about the wide variety of power that comes from a supposedly standard toilet. There is a power spectrum and I don’t understand why they can’t all be equal. Does it cost more for force generation in the flush? Another thing that I genuinely don’t know. I’ve never bought a toilet. No, if there are plumbing problems I just move. It feels easier and less gross. Let’s go over the power spectrum (in order from weak to The Rock):

The Pincher

This type of toilet flushes whatever you dropped in there the same way you would hold a used bandaid away from you. Between your thumb and index finger with the most minimal contact possible

The Tease

This type of toilet thinks it’s funny to act like it’s not going to do anything unless you drop a hippo on the lever. The stronger you push down, the stronger the flush swirl seems to get

The I Can Do This All Day

This type of toilet is responsive, but just swirls and swirls and swirls. Which is great at a water park, but not great when you’re waiting to get the answer to the will I / won’t I need the plunger question.

The Vortex

This type of toilet is the strongest I have encountered on the residential market. You flush, it disappears. No questions. Get in, get out.

The Airplane Mode

This is the ultimate toilet. On both power and fear factor levels. It can read your mind. Before you even hit flush it has vanished and left a deafening rush of wind in your ears. Nothing like fear to make you need to make another trip to the toilet.

As you can see, there is a broad spectrum of strengths. Why? Simply why? How have the first half of the spectrum survived into 2020? Clearly they’ve been here since like the dinosaurs because even my grandma can swirl a glass of wine faster than some of these bowls. Is it personal preference? Are there people who actually like the weaker options? Why? Why buy angel hair pasta when you could have lasagna? Makes zero sense. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

ALL OF MY THOUGHTS WAITING IN THE CHICK-FIL-A DRIVE-THRU LINE

Like a good Southerner, I understand that Chick-fil-A is part of the food pyramid. Not the whole base, but the second biggest tier for sure. Combined, of course, with Bojangles’ and their legendary sweet tea. In essence, people living south of Virginia are 50% chicken, 10% sweet tea, and 10% seasoned fries. The remaining 30% is gravy, banana pudding, and mac n’ cheese #math.

Since our sustenance relies heavily on the big red C, it’s imperative that I make regular appearances. Except on Sundays because the owners are clearly good southern christians and leave one day a week for home cooked meals at Grandma’s house. Unfortunately, I am not the only one living with this gratitude mindset. For all of the genius that is the CFA kitchen, their parking lot layouts leave a lot to be desired. Specifically the drive-thru portion of the design. Everyone, and their mothers, know that there is never a dead period at CFA. Everyone except the car space architects apparently.

It does not matter what time of day you get a hankering for waffle fries and magical chicken, there will be a full drive-thru line. 3:45PM on a Tuesday? Packed. 11:15AM on a Thursday? Can’t even get in the parking lot. Anytime before 10:30AM? Forget it! People will fight to get their Chick-n-Minis before the breakfast menu shuts down. They are also the only restaurant I know with an all day lunch rush. How is that even possible?! How is the whole world eating both an early, on time, and late lunch every day of the week every week of the year? That’s not possible. 

I’m sure we’ve all waited in a long drive-thru line before and been super thrilled about watching our gas efficiency rating drop consistently and trying to communicate with the employee through the high quality speaker system. How many times have you waited in a double drive-thru line? I don’t mean the supposedly more efficient double lane options. No, no. I mean the double line that occurs in the same way that you would draw a spiral. The drive-thru line is full and wraps all the way around the building. Um, what? Yes, you start in line near the speaker to order … but are the second to third layer of the circle. Is there anything more soul crushing when you’re hungry? No.

So clearly, as you can imagine, this line does not fall into the definition of fast food. It’s a slow burner. And time with your thoughts is a fun place to be. Well, fun may not be the right adjective. It’s an interesting place to be. My hungry thoughts are not on the same reading level as my well-fed thoughts. They get weird, they get abstract, they get confusing, they get twisted in circles (like the line I’m sitting in). It’s a black hole – one that I’m going to throw you into so you, too, can ponder these existential moments in my Chick-Fil-A waiting life:

  • Who taught the cows to spell? They didn’t do a good job
  • Who decided that the font should be a backwards foggy mirror attempt at writing?
  • Are CFA employees allowed to eat beef while at the office?
  • Does part of an employee’s non-compete contain information about dietary restrictions?
  • When will an employee be allowed to eat beef again?
  • Are all catered meals at corporate from CFA?
  • Has anyone ever pulled a prank and ordered Wendy’s or McDonald’s on “accident”?
  • Why was the chicken salad sandwich removed from the menu?
  • Why is there no option to supersize a meal? It could be the Fox option, get it
  • Is there a reason why sandwiches don’t come with a normal amount of pickles? What is so significant about two?
  • Is it a coincidence that the sun is always shining when I’m at CFA? No, it’s a sign from the heavens to eat mor chikin! (Side question: how did Google know to autocorrect that to the CFA version?! My mind just exploded)
  • Why were the color choices not orange? Like, you know, a chicken
  • How have I not moved at all?
  • If I use the app and place a mobile order while in the drive-thru, will I get my food faster? Spoiler: yes
  • Why is the peach milkshake not a year round treat? That’s the best option
  • Why do the cookies taste better when they’re catered?
  • How many times can an employee say ‘my pleasure’ before they explode?
  • How rapidly can I repeatedly say ‘thank you’ to test this out?
  • If the employees are taking my order, what is the point of moving through the line? Can they not also bring me the food?
  • Why is every parking lot so small? And tight? Neither is conducive for heavy drive-thru traffic
  • How many accidents happen each year in CFA parking lots? An acchickdent lol
  • Is there any way we could get a cow fence around the buildings? A normal fence with giant cutouts of the billboard cows? For full branding efforts
  • Do the billboard cows have names? If so, what are they?
  • How many free sandwiches are given away on Cow Appreciation Day?
  • Why don’t I own a full cow costume like a lot of the people here? Why do so many people own full cow costumes?
  • What if I had grown up in the North and not known about the mouth party that is CFA? The horror
  • How am I only one car closer to the goal?!

That feels like a sufficient share. Feel free to traverse that thought train at your own pace. Dive deeper into your feelings if you need to. Don’t if your care level for these questions is negative. You do you, but whatever path you decide, it’s better with a Chick-Fil-A sandwich and waffle fries. What drive-thru thoughts do you have while waiting to relieve the hangriness?

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

IF MY DOG HAD A JOB

In honor of National Take Your Dog to Work Day, I took some precious work hours to imagine what life would be like if my dog had a job. How does she stay focused? What would she do? Would it be strictly for money, or would she actually enjoy her field? Does she have bills she has to pay? Is that why she has a job? How does she type? Does she even have a computer? Is it less of a tech-y role and more relationship building? How is she working remotely? Who taught her to use a computer and the webcam? Is she a contributor, or does she stare at her beautiful self on camera all day? How has she not been fired? What are her goals and how is she focused enough to meet that? How does she communicate with her co-workers? Do they speak dog?

I could keep going, but for the sake of time, and post length, let’s start with those and see what fun path we end up on. For starters, my dog’s attention span is negative. Unless you have food or have a squeaky toy. In both cases, she is laser focused. This poses several problems in a work environment. One being that no one could keep snacks at their desk because co-worker Dog would be at their side all day and, thus, not contributing her fair share of the work. Another one being that most people would get annoyed at the constant sound of a high pitch squeak from a questionably clean ball. The other major issue is that what happens when neither of these attention grabbers are present? She’s a loose cannon. Nobody knows. Could be sleeping on the carpet. Climbing on a desk. Begging to be pet. Sniffing a chair for the thousandth time. So many potential options.

Given the lack of productivity, what would she do? I’m thinking brand ambassador for something like pet food, pet supplies, or Windex (because there is no spatial awareness between her wet nose and the glass, let’s be honest). Clearly she isn’t in it for the money – she’s a dog. What would she do with money. Probably try and put it in her mouth which is a separate issue. Besides, being a brand ambassador comes with perks. Depending on the industry she could get free food, free squeaky toys, or free attention. Her three favorite things.

This is clearly the right title for more reasons than her attention span and ridiculous cuteness. If given a computer, she would just try to sniff it, lick it, or bite it. Again, we’re talking about a dog without opposable thumbs. Or the capacity to perform computer type tasks. I love my dog (MORE THAN I LOVE PEOPLE) and she is fairly intelligent, but imagine asking your pet to turn on a computer and open the Internet. Pets work on routine. Computer tasks are not routine. If they were, a robot would do them for us. So relationship building it is! Can’t think of a more perfect role for an outgoing pup. Meet new people … constantly. Get them to like you, and we’ll give you a treat. 

With the current situation in the world, you’re probably wondering the same thing as me. Which, of course, is how brand ambassadors are working remotely. Video calls / appearances? Probably works well for humans. But remember how we’ve been over the less than ideal scenario that is your pet using a computer, or a phone, or a tablet, or a smart watch, etc. In an alternate reality, let’s pretend that a human friend (the owner, perhaps) has set up the video call for the dog. What a nice thing to do, you may be thinking. I know my dog, though, and if she saw herself on camera it would be game over. She spends a ridiculous amount of time staring at herself in the mirror so add a bunch of unrecognizable noises coming from the reflection and her head would be in a constant curious tilt. Probably wondering how she could be so beautiful that the reflection wants to talk to her. 

Which, then would beg the question how she has not been fired? There’s only so many times you want to see a dog’s nose right up close and personal in the camera before you realize she isn’t listening to a word you’re saying. She’s in her own world. Has met zero goals. Has no strategy for changing her behaviors and getting back on track. Just a pup entranced by the sight of herself.

Out of this entire scenario, the part I find the most mind-boggling is how she would communicate with her co-workers. Do these humans have a gift I do not of reading the minds of a dog and interpreting their barks? Are they able to respond? Because as far as I know the only words she answers to currently are her name, food, walk, and outside. Seems like a limited choice for making coherent, work related, sentences. Imagine if you were trying to get through her thick skull and accidentally said a trigger word – all progress would be lost. She would be spinning in circles running back and forth to either her food bowl or her leash. And, just like that, all focus is once again lost and someone (probably the owner) would be taking a brief exercise lap around the block for the third time that morning.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.

ARE CATFISH THE LAZIEST OF FISHES?

Animal species vary greatly, not only in appearance, diet, and fatality, but also in levels of activity. What kind of creatures do you think of as being active? Go ahead, picture that real quick. I would bet a portion of my savings, not all of it because I’m not a mind reader and humans will say anything to make a quick buck, that you didn’t think of cat or fish just now. Nope. Those are the first two I think of whenever someone asks me what a lazy animal looks like. Well, if someone ever asked me that, those are two I would think of. Shockingly, that question has not come up in conversation yet over the course of my life. I clearly need better friends.

For all the cat lovers out there, I am going to warn you, not apologize, about the following content. For your sanity, and overall calm, it may be best to not keep going. I wouldn’t call myself a cat person, per se. We had a cat growing up. He was chill. I liked him. He also acted like a dog so I think there might be some things that we could read into that. But alas, I’m not a therapist and don’t feel properly educated to share those connections with the Internet. Fish lovers … I actually don’t know anyone who is a self-proclaimed fish lover. Fish as a food, sure, but fish as an animal, nope. 

No matter, onwards and upwards. To places a cat could climb, but a fish would not survive. Where were we? Oh right, lazy animals! Cats expect food, pets (only when they initiate it though), someone to clean up their crap, and unlimited reign of the house. Shall we break this down? We shall. Food: you have to buy them food and treats with your own money. But then they expect little nuggets of human food (chicken, milk, what not) because they can’t be bothered with “cat” food. Dry? Wet? Yes. To both. Because they have to eat a little bit of each for optimal nutrition. Supposedly. Most cats look like they are leaving a lot to be desired in the nutrition department. Then, after you spend more time and money prepping their meals, they want to be pet. Only until they decide they’re done, though. Then watch out because they can and will bite you. Up to this point, I don’t see the appeal. Is it that you get to scoop their litter box? That’s what makes owning a cat rewarding? Or is it that they have zero sense of personal space? Shower? Here I come! Working? I’ll sit on the keyboard to help you. 

That feels like enough to hate on the felines for now. Moving under the sea. Fish? Fish owners get zero value out of these. They get an emptier wallet for sure. Unless you’re keeping fish to eventually eat? In which case, what even? Are you running a baby slaughterhouse? Take the humane approach and buy it post-mortem. Watching fish swim is … an experience? A waste of time? Mind numbing? Heartless? Take your pick. You put a living creature in a very small container where they can swim laps for years until they give up and swim towards the ceiling light. Surely they’re bored. At least bored of staring at your giant face pushed right up against their entire living room wall.

Fish pretty much spend their whole lives searching for food. Despite how great of a movie Finding Nemo was, I feel like it was a bit dramaticized. If you spent your whole life wandering around the kitchen searching for pellets to eat, people would call you lazy. So it only makes sense that fish are lazy. You can argue that they’re at least exercising constantly because they have to move the fins to just stay in place. Mmm … ok, sure. We also move when shifting around the couch to find the optimal position. Is that also exercise? Exactly. 

Let’s wrap this up. You have cats, which are selfish, moody, and lazy. You have fish that are lazy and solitary. Then you have catfish – the epitome of laziness. All the weird cat traits mixed with fish traits. They hide in holes and wait for curious animals to wander in so they can eat it. On the one hand, that’s clever because every species has the few that wander into dark places to “explore”. That never ends well. What do you think is in there? Lucky Charm himself? A talking dog? Piles of diamonds? I have so many questions. On the other hand, live a little. Explore the riverbed you’re burrowed in!

In summary, catfish expect to be fed, they have no sense of personal space, and they’re moody – have you ever seen a picture of one? I don’t know who fed them a bad algae, or if they’re just having a bad hair day, but wow. They don’t look like cats. They don’t look like fish. Maybe that’s why they look pissed off? They don’t belong with anyone they’re supposed to! The personal crisis they must face daily must be excruciating.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


FOLLOW TRP

Follow TRP on Twitter for shorter, daily insights on life as a millennial.

Get new content delivered directly to your inbox for maximum procrastination.