SPEED LIMITS: MAXIMUMS OR MINIMUMS?

While technically a maximum, we all know that speed limits are the minimum you should be moving at. Including the police, thus the buffer of speeds above it.

KING BOO, SO NICE OF YOU TO JOIN US

Ghosts are cowards. All they do is sneak up on people, tease them, scare them, and then vanish into the safety of the darkness never to be seen or heard from again. It’s about time to bring out my Proton Pack and send all these little bitties where they belong – to the Containment Unit.

I JUST REWATCHED IT AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

I’m just saying, if I saw a clown randomly appear in front of an abandoned house I, for sure, would not stick around to figure out if it was friendly or dangerous. It can kill me from behind, but at least I won’t have to look at it’s multiple rows of teeth.

SHOULD YOU BE IN THE FAST LANE? A QUESTIONNAIRE

Driving is an adventure today, isn’t it? You never really know what you’re going to get with other drivers. It could be a day of luck where everyone finally understands how traffic works and remembers the rules of the road. In that case consider yourself a leprechaun because clearly you just found the end of the rainbow. Most days, however, tend to be a stressful mess where you are constantly wondering if the daydreamer in the lane next to you will start drifting into yours.

I’m not sure why STAYING IN YOUR OWN LANE is as difficult as the majority of licensed drivers in America make it seem. Weren’t we taught as literal children to stay inside the lines? Back then it was a design competition, but as adults it becomes a more dangerous excursion into someone else’s realm. A matter of life and death in some cases. It’s fascinating to me that almost every time I finally get ahead of whoever is living in the literal clouds they’re almost never watching the road. Which … is a rant for another time.

One of the more frustrating things as a driver is when you get caught behind slower traffic. If you’re trying to whip around some cars fast and furious style in the slow lane, this is on you. However, more and more often I find that I’m getting stuck behind slower traffic in the far left lane. And pretty much every lane between the fast and the slow lane come to think of it. Ironically, the lane that offers the most freedom tends to be the slow lane. And like … what? That is the exact opposite of how the system should be working.

In the spirit of education, I thought it would be a good exercise for all of us to think about our use of the fast lane. To help solidify whether we should, or should not, be in the fast lane, I came up with some very simple yes or no questions to ask yourself as you embark on any interstate. Or any road with two or more lanes for that matter. The best way to take this questionnaire is quickly – go with what your guy says and trust the process. Ok! Enough waiting, let’s get to it! Should you be in the fast lane?

Are there people behind you moving faster than you are?
- Yes? Move over
- No? You’re all good then!
Are there people passing you on the right, AKA, a slower lane?
- Yes? Move over
- No? You’re all good then!
Are you doing at least the speed limit?
- Yes? See the first two questions and make a fast judgement call
- No? Move all the way over
Do you have a left hand exit, or turn, in the next half a mile?
- Yes? You may stay, but at least hit the speed limit
- No? See the first two questions and make a fast judgement call
Do you have a left hand exit, or turn, at some point in the future?
- Yes? Is it within a half mile? If not, and you’re not at the minimum speed, get yourself all the way to the right. Otherwise, see the first two questions and make a fast judgement call
- No? See the first two questions and make a fast judgement call
Do you need to pass someone who is going slower than you?
- Yes? You’re all good then! For the passing period, then see the first two questions and make a fast judgement call
- No? See the first two questions and make a fast judgement call

There you have it! Six simple reasons why you should, or should not, be in the fast lane. As you’ll note, it wasn’t a typo, most of the answers circle back to the first two questions about reading the room. If there is a car, or many a car, moving slightly faster, or significantly faster, than you are, chances are good that you should move to the right. Nothing wrong with being in the slower lanes. Some people like speed, some people like making it to their destination without a ticket. Zero judgement … as long as you aren’t slowing me down.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

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ALL OF MY THOUGHTS WHILE UPDATING MY COMPUTER

Technology is kind of the sh*t. We all use it, but we all have a strong love / hate relationship with it. Some days bring more love and most other days bring the hate on strong. Think about it, when was the last time you went an entire day without using some sort of technology? If you’re reading this right now, you need to think further back because this wonderful thought exercise of mine is powered by le technologie. How fun for both of us, am I right? Living the dream through other people.

What went wrong for us as a species? How did we end up so consumed in stuff from the magical world wide web? Obviously, that’s a rhetorical question and you should subscribe to this blog for the ultimate entertainment (sent straight to your favorite inbox twice a week). While our endless black hole into living vicariously through highly curated content is an exhilarating ride in the moment, it’s not as exciting when it ends. Yet we keep going back. Ergo, technology is one of the most addictive drugs on Earth. Not as deadly as others, but addictive nonetheless.

One of my, it’s hard to say favorite because like with children (I’m assuming), that title gets bounced around to different techy devices on an almost hourly basis. But … typically that distinguished privilege falls on my laptop. Depending on pending updates. Because if there’s one thing I hate more than a SOUR PATCH KIDS, it’s operating system updates. Why are there so many of them? It’s always a super exciting emotional game to play when you take the leap of faith into going through with an update. On that note, here is a mostly comprehensive list of my thoughts (and probably yours, as well) while enduring the pain that is an operating system update:

What exactly is the reason for this update?
What new features will I be able to use?
What existing features will be broken?
How many times will I need to supplement this with additional updates until it’s stable?
How long is this going to take?
If I don’t restart now, will I remember to restart later?
What are the consequences for forgetting the restart?
Why is my storage always full?
Why are the updates always massive?
When will Apple finally get their estimated remaining time game right?
If it says I have 15 minutes left, do I need to plan for 1 hour or 5?
Why did the screen randomly go black in the middle of this?
Why is the screen continuing to stay black?
Will the screen ever recover from this unknown state?
If the screen doesn’t ever turn back on, should I hit the power button?
What will hitting the power button do to the update?
Still no movement, when do I call for help?
Ah, there it is! What was it doing in the background all that time?
Why did the progress bar start over?
How is my estimated remaining time now at 53 minutes? We were halfway through 15 before
Is that a real 53 min, or not?
No – apparently we’ve jumped down to 8 minutes. Is that a real 8 minutes?
It’s been at 2 minutes remaining for 45 minutes, should I call someone?
Did it freeze?
Are we 100% sure this wasn’t actually a hacker attack?
Will my computer still work?
Will I ever move past 2 minutes remaining?
Oh! Look! A login screen. Why does that initialize a loading spinner?
What happened to the standard progress bars?
Why do I have to log in twice?
Why do I have to log in a third time?
Why is the progress bar back?
How have we not already completed this update?
It appears to be loading my settings – will it work?
When was the last time I backed up my computer?

And that about rounds up the ride from excited to terrified as one does when making big decisions in life. Clearly, software updates are one of those. Heaven forbid your hard drive can’t handle the newest OS and it just breaks in the middle of it. Then you have to get support involved and that’s a whole different adventure in troubleshooting. On the bright side, you usually get to see the not as beautifully styled screens and functionality of your laptop. For better or for worse.

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I JUST REWATCHED MONSTERS, INC. AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

Nobody likes having monsters under their bed at night. At least not until we learned how absolutely lovable they are! I think monsters have gotten a bad reputation in the human world for some time, and thankfully Mike and Sully helped shed some valuable insight into the reasons behind the scare. Despite the questionably logical approach to energy creation in Monstropolis, I have some unanswered questions, and plenty of observations from this adorable film:

We get a very Soul type vibe in the intro. Jazz music and all. Nice recycle here Disney, though Soul did have a necessary modernization for it’s 2020 release
The main monster in the intro skit looks like a venus fly trap
This little boy in the simulator is not suspicious that his closet door opened on its own? Fake news
How does Flem manage to destroy the entire room?
I enjoy the intern vibe of the assessor’s “assistants” not knowing the answer to clearly a basic question
Mr. Waternoose is correct – there is nothing more deadly or toxic than a human child. Thus, my current lack of them
If screams produce energy, why does Mr. Waternoose casually let a whole capsule free just to prove a point? Seems like a waste
‘Less talk, more pain Marshmallow boy’ – if that isn’t motivating, I don’t know what it
Does Sully just wake up and work out, growling at Mike and all, without brushing his teeth?
Monsters, Inc. matches children to their ideal monster? That is a nightmare factory of a serial killer
We’ve all been Mike in the Monsters, Inc. commercial – covered up by the logo and not giving a darn
How is it efficient for the building doors in Monstropolis to all be customized to its residents?
Grocery is not spelled Grossery, but maybe monsters can’t spell
If the monsters are walking, why does the sign say Don’t Stalk / Stalk? Nowhere else in the movie is it referred to as stalking
Do any calls get through at Monsters, Inc.? Celia puts everyone on hold
You could roll Celia into a ball and she would still only be about half as round as Mike
Why would you put a slug monster in charge of keeping the floors clean?
‘My succulent little garden snail’ – wow, incredible use of adjectives for what is obviously a monster version of a Karen
If monsters created the ability to jump through some space time continuum into human bedrooms, why haven’t we figured out the reverse?
The scare floor is quite the operation … like a factory line … for nightmares
‘A kid almost touched me. I could have died!’ is a relatable feeling for all young, single millennials
The announcement for neverminding Randall’s temporary lead is like every day on the job where you think you’re doing a good job, then realize you’ve been doing it all wrong
One would think there was a less intense process to remove a single sock from a monster. A kid, yes, then the CDA seems necessary, but a sock? So extreme
How do you become a scare recruit versus an ordinary Monstropolis citizen? How hard is it to get accepted?
Lol odorant instead of deodorant
Is Mike the only assistant that doesn’t file his paperwork? How has he not been fired?
Why doesn’t Sully just throw Boo in her room, like a football, and slam the door? It would be more effective
Did Sully really think flushing those toys down the toilet would work?
Is Boo demented? Why does she want to play with Sully? Who is a monster
I think having an octopus as the sushi chef is a bit of animal profiling and also a sick joke. He’s probably chopping up his friends
No one notices a walking bag in a nice restaurant? That doesn’t raise any concern?
‘It is my professional opinion that now is the time to panic’ – a news report in Monsters, Inc. that also could run at any point in today’s current society
Imagine you’re a giant monster, and there’s a tiny child – why not just scare them and let CDA handle it?
If Sully and Mike live in the penthouse, how did they just walk out the door onto the street?
Did they not realize how innocent kids were when they were asleep? Why does Boo have to be the one to show them?
How many kids have walk-in closets? Apparently everyone in the world. And how many remember to close them each night? I don’t even close my closet door
Bring an obscure relative to work day – how does Mr. Waternoose not know he didn’t approve that
Is Boo actually potty trained? I find that hard to believe
How is Boo so slippery? Why does Sully keep losing her?
‘Put that thing back where it came from, so help me’ is the Pixar short we all need in our lives
Why is Celia in a neck brace? How did that happen? What was her arrest like? It seemed pretty docile
Mike legit forgot that lunch was in 5 minutes? I’m calling BS since every employee ever knows when their lunch break is
Sully basically saw his pet get run through a trash compactor and pounded into a block. His poor emotional state
All the CDA agents were using the bathroom at the same time. Why? Are all their relief cycles synced up?
No wonder Sully is single, he gets attached way too quickly
‘1, 2, 3, 4 get the kid back through the door’ – a babysitting moto
When in doubt, go down the dark tunnel completely unprepared for what you may encounter
‘If you’re gonna threaten me, do it properly’ is why we all love Mike Wazowski
Mike says hello to the scream extractor. Those actual words. ‘Hello.’ It’s a machine
Does no one else in the company know this dungeon lab of Randall’s exists?
Who names their kid Fungus? Poor guy
Was Sully previously unaware of his scare face? He had to know, right?
So, let me get this straight … Monsters, Inc. had a door specifically to banish monsters out of? For what reason? Why not just fire them? So dramatic
The Abominable Snowman looks like a giant sheep
Why are the monster lips so realistic looking? With wrinkles and all it’s slightly creepy
Mike is so emotional, but his communication skills are on point
Celia is very up and down with rattlesnakes on her head – what does Mike see in her?
‘What a plan, simple yet insane’ is me before every workout
Do the doors have to move at warp speed in the warehouse? Is that necessary?
Would it not have been easier to climb up the three doors to Boo’s instead of travelling through random kids’ closets?
Sully, the number one rule is to close the door. And what did you not do? Close the door. You deserved to be kicked out
Did the CDA not see Mike and Sully’s claws on top of Boo’s door? Quite observant this group
Mr. Waternoose moves surprisingly well for an old crab
Of course Roz is number one at the CDA. Who else should we have expected?
Was Boo not ever hungry during this adventure? When was the last time she ate?
Boo has a little Jesse, you know, from Toy Story because why not throw easter eggs in
How much therapy do we think Boo will need to mentally recover from this?
Why are Sully’s legs only about ⅕ of his total body height?
Sully pulls the last piece of Boo’s door off his clipboard, which was taped on there, and it comes off, but there’s no tape on there anymore. Never in my life has that been true. Where did the tape magically vanish to?

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I JUST REWATCHED LADY AND THE TRAMP AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

We all know everyone’s favorite spaghetti memory involves two dogs in love. Right? If you’ve never wanted to share the iconic meal on a date night to casually go in for a quick smooch, do you even have a soul? Anyways, I decided to rewatch the best dog love story created by Disney, to remind myself how great a dog’s love is, and have so many questions and furry observations:

The intro basically tells the entire plot through storyboard type drawings so why even watch the movie?
The fact that it’s dedicated specifically to dogs brings me more joy than it should
Remember mid-1950s animation? What a treat! But, also, thank goodness we’ve evolved technology wise
Lady’s Christmas present box has no air holes – she should be dead from the very start
Does Jim Dear actually think putting down a piece of newspaper is all it takes to house train a dog? And that it will ‘go right to sleep’? Were dogs not pets pre-1955 or is he just naive?
Let’s talk about all the dogs that can successfully only sleep on the bed for one night and then be fine sleeping somewhere else. And … we’re done. That’s not a real thing
Why would you give the dog coffee?! Are we to assume that it’s decaf? Because caffeine is poisonous for them
If anyone has ever owned a dog, you know that their dreams are the cutest thing in the world
What do we think they mean by getting the dog a license? Pretty sure you can buy a tag at anytime not just at the 6 month mark
How did the Tramp get in so good with all the restaurant owners? How do I also get them to know my name and give me free food?
Jim Dear and Darling are having a child, but they can’t still love their dog? Or even take care of it? Someone’s priorities are off
Why is Trusty going through the birds and the bees talk? Surely dogs don’t have sex ed
How does Jock know that babies are expensive?
Jim Dear is decorating a baby room for a boy while Darling is writing down baby names for a girl. They are not on the same page
Their baby shower feels more like a formal dinner party. Going to give the 1950s benefit of the doubt here – part one
Why are Lady’s inner thoughts presented as a song? Am I the weirdo whose thoughts are spoken?
They had a boy, but the baby blanket is pink. For what reason? The 1950s were not that progressive
Aunt Sarah is a monster. Not appreciating Lady in the slightest
Ah, well that’s because she’s a crazy cat lady. Problem solved
The siamese cat song will haunt my dreams
How many animals do the Dear’s have? I’ve seen Lady, a bird, and a fish
Who does Aunt Sarah think she is? Buying a muzzle for a dog that isn’t her own? But also, how do Jim Dear and Darling not know how much she hates dogs and just send Lady to the kennel? Like responsible owners
Since when can dogs read?
If Tony loves the Tramp so much, why not adopt him?
How many customers are waiting for food while Tony uses his attention to give the dogs a full fledged date night?
Ah, the iconic spaghetti noodle scene is still beautiful
And shocker, by the time we get to Lady and the Tramp on the hill staring at the moon, we have seen all the important scenes from the storyboard intro appear in animated form
Are we supposed to infer that their relationship was sealed, so to speak?
What is Pidge? And how did Lady get that nickname?
The depiction of the dog pound is traumatizing. The Humane Society would have a field day with those conditions
How is Lady supposed to emotionally trust the Tramp after hearing Peg’s beautiful rendition of his lifestyle?
What kind of a love story is this? The Tramp is a pimp and Lady is just his current interest
Who keeps the windows open in a rainstorm? For starters, that’s how rain gets in. Apparently, that’s also how rats get in
Trusty magically recovers from losing his smell … we’re supposed to believe that? Or he was a liar in the beginning. We may never know
So Lady and the Tramp had time to have a litter of puppies, but Trusty is still in a cast?
Why don’t the puppies look more like a blend of Lady and the Tramp? Going to give the 1950s benefit of the doubt here – part two

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I JUST REWATCHED BACK TO THE FUTURE AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

Marty McFly – the name synonymous with zero shame, bad decisions, and questionable friendships. Dr. Emmett Brown – the name synonymous with crazy, but genius. What an interesting character combo. If my only friend was the town “scientist” who was much older than me, my parents wouldn’t have been so nonchalant about it. Anyways, I decided to rewatch the start of all our current reality let downs and I have so many questions and observations:

Is the beginning a scene from Back to the Future or part of Captain Hook’s nightmare. Clocks everywhere, but there is a nice foreshadowing clock with the man hanging off the arm
In 1955, Doc’s mantle featured pictures of 4 famous inventors, but his modern 1985 abode only retains Thomas Edison, Ben Franklin, and Albert Einstein … why?
Does it bother no one else that the coffee pot is missing? The water would have spilled all over the floor
I like my smores marshmallows burnt, but not as burnt as the toast Doc supposedly eats for breakfast
It’s nice to see Doc is following top notch safety measures with a key hidden under the doormat
Where’s the one place people usually look for missing things? Under the bed. And yet, that’s where the plutonium is being stored
Where was the giant amp hidden? And how can Marty still hear anything after getting destroyed by a wave of sound? Don’t get me started on the damage to Doc’s place
Doc’s warehouse is casually “hidden” by the Burger King. This is accurate. Had it been a Wendy’s, this would have been a poor location choice
Pretty sure you can’t ride a skateboard behind a car. Just need to throw that out there
The encouragement from the school principal is … lacking. Also, slacker isn’t really an insult, I’m not sure it ever was
Only in high school would the excuse ‘you’re too darn loud’ be used to kick a band off stage
You’re telling me that Jennifer casually chose the bench with a Zales Jewelers advertisement on it to tie her shoe in front of Marty? She’s here for the long game
Was the crazy street lady really concerned with saving the clock tower or stopping public PDA?
How far away does Marty live from the town that he needs multiple different illegal car hitches to get there and arrives at dusk? In 1955 it said 2 miles. And he had a skateboard so what are we looking at – a 30 min trip? Max?
What does Marty do with his guitar during the day? Does it go in a music room? A locker? Doc’s place? He doesn’t have it at home, that’s for sure
Biff is just lovely in the original, non-tampered with 1985. ‘Who’s going to pay for this beer spill?’ So he’s admitting to drinking and driving? Which was also illegal in 1985
If Ralphie, from The Christmas Story, grew up, he would be George McFly
What is the fashion sense in the McFly household? Dave is in wannabe golfer outfits, Linda is dressing like a country club housewife, and Marty is sporting suspenders and all denim
I’m pretty sure Marty’s sleeping position is now a yoga pose
A parked van with smoke coming out of it in the middle of the night raises zero questions
OUTATIME – what a vanity plate! Instance #1 of great slogan placement
How can Doc see anything with smoke filling the DeLorean?
Poor Einstein. He’s like the space monkeys of time travel
Wouldn’t you want to get out of the path of the car coming back into the present at a casual 88MPH so it doesn’t hit you?
How did Doc and Marty meet, get acquainted, become friends, and decide to trust each other?
The date examples of important moments in history are broad: the signing of the declaration of Independence, the birth of Christ, and of course, November 5, 1955
Did anyone else notice that Doc was wearing a Hawaiian shirt underneath a jumpsuit with a radiation symbol on the back? Is Hawaii toxic? What is the purpose of this outfit?
I’m not an expert on stealing things, but I would bet that admitting you stole something on camera is a good way to get caught
Clearly plutonium must be handled with care, but Doc treats the yellow box full of samples a bit rough. Using his foot to open it, throwing things on it, etc. I’m concerned for his longevity
Who are the terrorists? Where did they come from? Why are they after Doc? What is this scene?
The terrorists have chosen a VW van as their assasination vehicle. Why? I have to believe you would want something with better handling and overall speed
Why a rocket launcher? That feels a bit extreme for the situation. Which is unclear
Marty has to know he has something on his head when exiting the DeLorean, right? He had to feel that
Also, Marty drives away in the middle of the night, says one sentence, and is all of a sudden in the middle of the day a short distance from where he started
Miller was clearly the beer sponsor. OG 1985 McFly’s had Miller Lite, but Hill Valley is sporting the Miller High Life truck since obviously, the Hill is higher
Why does Marty walk through the town square backwards? That’s a good way to run into people
Hill Valley town slogan: Please Drive Carefully! I’m dead – instance #2 of great slogan placement
Glad to see that Biff picked up zero new insults in 30 years
Imagine if you woke up and your mom, in her younger years, was hitting on you. No amount of therapy could fix that
Poor Joey – behind bars the whole movie. At least he seemed to enjoy it at 2
A nice foggy night is an ideal setting to be hunting for the hidden time travel in the middle of nowhere
Did Marty always show up and get Doc on the time travel path? Or, was Doc just smart and actually invented the flux capacitor?
How can a picture disappear? It’s a movie on time travel, not magic. The photo was already printed. Fake news
Best introspective question from Doc: why are things so heavy in the future? Where do I even start with 2020
‘Make like a tree and get out of here’ – so, so close Biff. Just like with Lorraine
George’s favorite TV show was Science Fiction Theater? Really?! What is that?
‘Lou, give me a milk. Chocolate’ since nothing says confidence like a glass of chocolate milk
Lorraine has zero cares about Doc being in the room while flirting with Marty. Good for her. Ask for what you want, girl!
What is teenage George’s haircut? Part combover, part lower bowl fade, part buzzed, part something else – I’m so confused
Where is Marty getting his 1955 wardrobe from?
The police officer should be more concerned about what Doc is doing with his “weather experiment”
Won’t people from 1955 recognize Marty in 1985? Namely, his mother, father, and Biff?
The drama in George’s fight scene is too much to handle. Music, slow motion, evil laughter, a helpless woman, I mean, wow! And we get it again at the dance, my goodness
If Marty was really that good of a guitar player, he would have a record deal in 1985
Marty brings up a very specific, and clearly traumatizing, childhood memory to ask forgiveness for. 8 year old accidentally setting fire to the living room rug? Yes, bud, you should have been in trouble for that
Are we just going to breeze over the fact that Doc supposedly had a permit for the car and the weather experiment cables? We never saw proof
Great Scott! Absolutely iconic
I’ve found that when you’re on a very strict time deadline, it’s not a good time to get in an argument with someone
Will Doc connect the cable? Will Marty get the car started? Will it all work? My stress levels are low, but lots of good questions being asked here in the final scene
Is the takeaway that DeLorean’s are unreliable machines? Or that you shouldn’t mess with the past?
The cable can’t stand up to some wind but it can hold a ziplining Doc?
Why does Marty keep stopping the car when he knows it won’t start up again? Has he learned nothing in almost 2 hours?
Let’s think about sound. Specifically the sound the DeLorean makes as it disappears. So, no one in the neighborhood heard that and got concerned?
A Match Made in Space – instance #3 of great slogan placement
Poor Marty just can’t catch a break when he wants to kiss Jen
So Doc went to 2015 and got a flying car. We’re living in 2021 and I have yet to see a flying car
Did anyone else have date options that included going to the lake or traveling to the future in high school? Or did I just miss out?

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DO YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY? A PEDESTRIAN AND DRIVER QUESTIONNAIRE

Have you ever been driving and wondered if you had the right of way in your chosen course of action? Be it a left turn, a right turn, going straight, changing lanes, passing a crosswalk, etc. Actually, let’s back up. Have you ever been alive and wondered if you had the right of way in your chosen course of action? If your answer is no, I simply wonder what it’s like to live in the clouds. Oblivious to everything that is happening around you. I’m also very concerned for your general safety and the safety of those around you.

But hey, I get it. Not everything in life is fun enough to be fully engaged in. Hello pretty much all of 2020. Just because it isn’t fun doesn’t mean it’s acceptable to tune out, though. We’re not children anymore, unfortunately. Last time I checked no one was making me dinner so another night of Goldfish it is! Specific activities require much more attention than others, too, so you have to stay on your game to make sure you’re not treating driving like Mario Kart. I’m all for an epic night of Mario Kart, flying down Rainbow Road like a mad person, but I also understand that Mario Kart and actual driving only have one thing in common: wheels.

Since not all of us have jumped on the self-driving car bandwagon yet, either, driving is still a very much need to be engaged task. Which means that anytime you choose to cross a street as a pedestrian, you too need to be engaged. Otherwise bad things could happen. You could almost hit a pedestrian and spill your coffee all over you. You could almost get hit by a car and drop your milkshake on the ground. Both scenarios are equally traumatizing. Think of all of the food and beverages that could be saved if people paid more attention. Smh.

To help stop the spread of preventable food waste due to close calls involving vehicles, pedestrians, and roads of some kind (or anywhere a vehicle could go really), I’ve created a simple guide. This can be memorized, printed out and stuck on your bathroom mirror, taught in schools worldwide, set as the background of your phone – anything. Because it’s important. It’s simple. It’s common sense when you think about it. It can save lives. It, of course, is a questionnaire to determine if you have the right of way … in no particular order:

FOR DRIVERS

Am I at a red light trying to turn right? Well, is there someone coming down the road I’m trying to turn on? Yes? Then no. No? Then yes
Am I at a red light trying to go straight, or turn left? No, what? This is not even a way and also not how the most basic traffic laws work. Red means stop
Am I at a YIELD SIGN? Well, again, is there someone coming down the road I’m trying to turn on? Yes? Then no. No? Then yes
Am I in a free flowing right turn lane? Yes, and everyone expects you to keep going
Am I trying to merge into a free flowing right turn lane? Let’s review, check first and if no one is there then you have the right of way. If there is someone there you better check yourself
Am I at a stop sign? Is it all way and have you been there the longest? Yes, get moving! No? Wait your turn skippy! Is it a three way, two way, or singular way stop? If you still haven’t realized at this point that you need to check first I question how you obtained a license in the first place
Am I at a stop sign, trying to turn, with pedestrian crossings present? If there are pedestrians, then no. If not, then yes
Am I approaching a yellow light? Can you make it through safely without going at ridiculous speeds? Yes, by all means keep going. If you need to top 80 to make it, slow your roll speed racer and wait it out
Am I at a green light trying to go straight? YES! The easiest one to remember
Am I at a green light trying to turn right? Is there a pedestrian crossing? Better wait out grandma because she has the right of way. If not, shame on you for choosing a non pedestrian friendly city, but yes you do
Am I at a green light trying to turn left? Do you have a green turn arrow? Then yes. Otherwise, no wait for all the straight people to go
Am I at a flashing yellow turn light? This is the traffic light version of a yield sign so check yourself first before just jumping right out there
Am I trying to merge lanes? Kind of if you check your mirrors, check your blindspots, and check your mirrors again for other cars before proceeding
Am I trying to merge onto a highway? No. Nope, no one is obligated to let you in that is 100% on you. Assess your speed, assess the openings, and don’t wait until the end of the ramp to look around

FOR PEDESTRIANS

Am I at a random place on a random road with zero clearly marked pedestrian crossing zones? If you’re not at a crosswalk then whatever happens is on you. You only have the right of way in a crosswalk, or a pedestrian crossing zone.
Am I at a crosswalk with a stop hand showing? No. Stop means stop no matter how you’re choosing to get from point A to point B
Am I at a crosswalk with a walk sign showing? YES! The easiest pedestrian answer
Am I at a crosswalk with no signage for go / no-go? Yes, but don’t start your adventure as a car flies through – wait until it’s clear.

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TRAFFIC LIGHTS SHOULDN’T BE A THING AFTER MIDNIGHT

I hate red lights, you hate red lights, we all hate red lights! Because they’re the worst. They’re a straight up vibe killer. You’re rolling down the road, minding your own business, jamming to your best carpool karaoke song, or gaining some knowledge from your favorite podcast, and simply don’t have time to hit the brakes. And yet, traffic lights don’t care. There’s never a fun time for a red light. Either you know it’s coming and have to go through the long, slow, demoralizing braking process, or you think you’re going to make it and then, at the last second, the yellow disappears in half a millisecond and you have to slam on the brakes since you’re too far to make it, but too close to be smooth about it.

What do we do when that happens? I scream, you scream, we all scream for it to turn green! So we can literally move on with our lives. Green is just a better color than red anyways. It means go. It’s a symbol for money. It’s the color of nature. It’s what the inside of mint Oreos looks like. It’s 50% of the Christmas holiday color scheme. It’s great! Red, on the other hand, not so much. It means stop. It’s a symbol for anger. It’s the color of fire. It’s what the inside of a tomato looks like. It’s 33.3333% of the singles awareness holiday color scheme. It’s the worst!

Then there’s yellow. A perfectly mediocre color in every sense. In my, obviously correct, opinion, seeing a yellow light is worse than a red light. Have you ever wondered if you’ve had a LIFE CRISIS? Have you ever had to play the will I / won’t I make it game with a yellow light? Then yes, you’ve had a crisis. What a cruel world we live in where traffic lights are a tease. Because not all yellows are the same length of time. Which makes sense, I guess. If you live on the moon! What?! It’s either half a millisecond or ten seconds or somewhere in between. We don’t know.

So here we all are, playing traffic light roulette, and hoping not to get a brake sentence. As annoying as traffic lights are, though, they are important during traffic. Thus the traffic part of traffic lights. It’s a control method. Otherwise it would be a madhouse. Survival of the quickest and the fearless. Enter the eyes in the sky to make sure we all maintain some semblance of sanity during our drives. But it seems to me that they don’t make a lot of sense when there is no traffic.

Not, oh look there’s casually no traffic because it’s 10:52AM on a Tuesday morning. No. That’s a happy coincidence for you – thank the traffic gods and maybe buy a lottery ticket since you’re clearly getting some good luck in your corner. I’m talking about when it’s 3:27AM and you’re clearly making good choices with your life and trying to make it home before you fall asleep. When the rest of the world is asleep, well mostly. Other than cool kids like you and your friends.

If you live in a big city, disregard what I’m saying. But if you don’t live in a place that people fly into America just to visit, then read on! At a certain time, lights could turn to flashing yellows and everyone would be happier. Or, at the very least, turn off the timers and turn on the sensors! Don’t tempt me with a red light, a 30+ second crosswalk countdown, and not a soul in sight. When I’m tired. And it’s late at night, or very early in the morning. Situations like those don’t lead to smart, lawful decisions. As I roll up, so should the light color. Just a smooth beautiful transition where, at most, I take my foot off the gas and coast, but I don’t have to tap the brakes. Imagine what that world would be like where you get rewarded for not going to bed at a socially acceptable hour.

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The Restless Professional

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