SIDEWALK RULES: WALK RIGHT, PASS LEFT

In case anyone forgot, it’s 2020. That means it’s been 150 years since the first sidewalk was paved in America. Why is there not a centennial golden jubilee celebration planned anywhere for this?! I’m a bit disappointed honestly. Whatever, it’s fine. I will move on with my life. Maybe I’ll go outside and draw a chalk cake on the ground. But with the candles that just have the numbers on them – you know, the cheater candles. The product invented so someone didn’t have to math before a party. That’s why your cake just has two candles to spell out your age and not one for each year. Take it personally. If they really cared about you they would have taken the time to count out each year you’ve been alive.

Sidewalks probably don’t have feelings like humans do. They probably don’t feel sad when someone forgets their birthday. Someone who uses them constantly and never acknowledges their worth. Just stomps all over them without so much as a thank you. *Probably*. We don’t know. Supposedly plants have feelings, so why can’t concrete? Or brick? Or pavement? I, for one, care about the sensitive side of our sidewalks. Specifically where they may be caving in a bit so I know where not to step and blow something small into a big issue. I don’t need to twist an ankle and miss a week of adult soccer. My whole social life would be in disarray.

Kind of like the confusion that happens when a sidewalk abuser doesn’t follow the one rule necessary to participate on said piece of concrete. Surely, you know what rule this is. It’s the same rule that is in place on pavement all over the country. One that everyone can (mostly) follow while operating a motorized vehicle. Frustratingly, though, when you take someone out of a machine and have them use their own legs, or some sort of leg powered transportation method, all chaos breaks loose. Walk right, pass left.

WALK RIGHT, PASS LEFT! This should not be new information. And yet, it still seems to confuse people. A lot like when you try driving the wrong way down a one way street, but with less judgement, or consequences. Which is a shame. I think I should be able to file an insurance claim if you come at me, when I’m on the right side and you’re walking on the left, and I spill my smoothie because we both refuse to move.

While that is obviously the golden rule, it is not the only rule. Like pretty much everything else in life. Another good one, almost as important, is not to take up the entire space when walking in a group. Just because you have friends, and want to flaunt it to nature, or the road, doesn’t mean you get priority. Since sidewalk width is variable, you are allowed to take up the following amount of space:

(Sidewalk Width / Number of People in Group) * 0 + 1

One. You get one human sized space. What if the sidewalk is popular? What if it’s foot traffic rush hour? What if there’s non foot traffic present? So many things that make taking up too much space downright dangerous. If you wanted to talk to someone, do it somewhere safer. And with less rules. Like a bench maybe. Or a couch. Or a table at a restaurant. Or on your phone. The one exception to this overpopulation rule is clearly dogs. Not cats. If there is a cat on a leash it better be in your people bubble.

Dogs can account for an extra two human sized spaces. Since they have hearts sized twice as big as one human. Simple math. Simple logic. These should be carved in stone at every possible entrance to every sidewalk, and trail, in the world. A manageable task really. If we can’t get walking right, where does that really leave us on more challenging tasks? Like driving. In a constant chicken with our heads cut off state. Perpetual deer in the headlights confusion. Don’t be that person. Imagine you’re driving yourself down the sidewalk. And for goodness sake look before you swerve out into the middle to pass someone.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!

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HOW MANY CHARGING CABLES DOES IT TAKE TO BLOW A FUSE?

Technology is a wonderful thing – it brought you this blog after all. What else does it get you? Constant access to other people’s lives and with that comes strong feelings of jealousy, sadness, loneliness, dissatisfaction, etc. Does no one else find it ironic that some part of our day usually involves scrolling through a social feed looking at other people’s posts on how amazing their lives are. More accurately, how amazing they portray their lives to be. In other words, we spend our lives watching other people live theirs.

Here’s a thought: instead of watching other people live, why not put your phone down and actually do something. But do something because you want to, not because you think it will get you a ton of likes. What would happen if the grid went down right now? If the Internet went out and technology went dark. If you had to actually find the answer to a question without Alexa’s help. To be honest, that scares me more than it should. I’m hooked on my tech like everyone else and I have a lot of concerns:

How would I get to Chipotle without Google Maps?
How could I humblebrag to my friends that I went out (on a Tuesday, what?!) by posting to my Instagram?
If I was sad, where would I be able to find adorable puppy GIFs?
How would my paycheck get into my bank account?
If I was bored, what would I do without the YouTube video blackhole?
How would I know when that hot new album had been added to my music library so I could listen on repeat for weeks?
How could I watch sports? Would I have to actually go out and play them?
Most importantly, though, how would I validate my self-worth by the number of followers I have?

As a millenial, I really have zero idea what the world was like before technology. My only memory of there potentially being a time without Google, was December 31, 1999 when everyone and their mom thought the world wide web was going to destroy the universe once 2000 officially came around. Funny thing about that though, is it was 20 years ago and here we are still plugging along. Literally plugging along. I don’t remember the last time I went through an entire day without charging, or plugging in, SOMETHING. Because everything needs to be charged now-a-days: your phone, your computer, your watch, your toothbrush, your headphones, your speaker, your scooter, your car, your all-knowing home assistant, your blender, your clock, your TV, your portable battery, your camera, etc.

I feel like my power outlets are getting kind of pissed at me and are going to go on strike. Have you ever had several things (ok, a LOT of things) plugged in at once and your meter is all like NOPE! I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS! So it blows a fuse and you’re all dazed and confused because your phone is at 2% and if it dies, you too might die. If you haven’t experienced that panic, let me just tell you that it is not fun. In fact, it’s the opposite of fun. It’s downright horrible. I, for one, don’t have a clue how to do anything if my phone is dead. Almost as if it’s my electromagnet helping me maintain the image that I’m an adult and clearly have some semblance of my ish together. But when it’s dead, all of a sudden I lose all common sense and forget how to navigate my own home. My IQ immediately drops down to zero and I become a child.

If I get hungry: what even is food? Where do I find it?

If I get cold: guess I’ll just curl into a ball and shiver until someone covers me with a blanket or brings me a jacket.

If I have a question: well, I guess I’ll never know the answer.

If I have to drive somewhere: do I need to go left or right? Left or right? Left…or…right? TOO MANY OPTIONS WHAT IF I CHOOSE WRONG!

My point is, technology does amazing things, but there has to be a balance. Go out and live your life! Figure out how to read a map, or at least memorize the drive to that banging pizza joint. Get a coloring book – it’s pretty much the only thing you can do when the power goes out. And of course, buy a portable charger because you never know when you might need it!

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who is a bit addicted to their technology, don’t pass this along – encourage them to get offline for once. Thanks for reading!

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EXTREME QUARANTINE: GLASS HALF FULL OF EMERGEN-C AND A SUNNY ATTITUDE

Life is uncertain right now. Probably the most uncertain it’s been in a very long time. How long is this going to last? How long will I not be able to leave my home? How long until I can travel again? Go to work again? Take the daily my-life-is-better-than-yours selfie again? Sit down in a restaurant again? Go to the gym again? Well…that is not a corona issue. More of a life choices issue.

Point being that no one really knows. We can guess. Guessing is great on tests, but not so great on life-threatening diseases. In no way am I trying to belittle what’s going on. It’s very serious and I do think that it’s important everyone come together and do their part to help knock this out and move on. I’m merely here to give you great suggestions on how to fill this blessing of free time that has been given to you by nature. Some people don’t like free time – if you feel blessing is not the correct noun here, then you would fall into this category.

Personally, I’m not a huge fan, but it would be a shame to spend the next month (hopefully that’s it?) in fear and complaining about not being able to get away from your family / roommates / evil cat / etc. That is a recipe for broken relationships. So, to avoid the “I used to know that person, but now they’re dead to me” feeling, you have to be prepared. Specifically you need enough activities to keep everyone happily occupied for the duration of the quarantine period.

Get All of the Streaming Services

One is not enough. Two is not enough. Three is probably not enough. Give yourself plenty of options because everyone has different content. You can only watch so much Baby Yoda before you need some disturbing Locke & Key up in your life. Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, Disney +, HBO GO, ESPN +, etc. This is not the place to decide that your monthly spending needs a makeover. This also isn’t specific to the Corona quarantine…it’s just helpful to have for all those lazy weekends and “sick” days.

Deep Clean Your Home

LOL, I could barely write that without laughing – do something that makes you happy! If that happens to be cleaning, well how much do you charge because I, for one, do NOT like to spend my time cleaning.

Have Plenty of Food

Specifically limes, because limes make Corona better. When you start feeling that cough come on, grab your bottle of tequila, cut up a lime, and find some salt. You’ll be good as new in no time. Even if physically you’re not, mentally you’ll be feeling great. Stock your pantry with non-perishables and your freezer with everything that can be frozen (which is a surprising amount of things). Milk and fresh veggies will be great for a few days, but 30+ days is a long time so buy things that last…like chocolate.

Download Every Single Delivery App

You may not be able to leave your place of residence, but that doesn’t mean you can’t open your door. Besides, the apps are free to download so why not have UberEats, Grubhub, Postmates, Amazon, DoorDash, and any others you like ready in case of emergency. Someone will be delivering for when you inevitably run out of food (because, honestly, who knows how to grocery shop for a multi-week supply?!).

Loungewear FTW

If you’re not going anywhere, you don’t have anyone to impress. So get those sweats, hoodies, and any other oversized clothing you have washed up and ready to go. Comfort is the key to survival.

Find a New Hobby

There’s no better time to finally learn guitar, or to become a foodie, or a TikTok star, or a professional Fortnite player, etc. then when you literally can’t leave your home. Plus, there are no haters to crush your spirit. Unless you tell people, in which case, proceed at your own risk.

Order Your Summer Suit

The weather is usually on some wacky cycle, but this year is taking the cake. It’s only the beginning of March, but it’s basically summer – at least in the South. With summer comes bikini season and it’s never too early to start on the base tan. Order your summer suit so you can lounge on the porch / patio / balcony / deck … whatever you have to soak up all the rays that will be on display the next few weeks. On second thought, no one is outside anyways, underwear will work just fine. It’s also a great way to avoid people that are getting on your nerves and to remember what the freedom of the outdoors feels like.

Live Stream for Social Closeness

Obviously, our lives are the epitome of fascinating right now. So it’s only proper to share every single thing you are doing with your family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, follow back peeps, etc. through a live stream. Stream yourself cooking, eating, playing with the dog, getting married, having a party (by yourself because the six foot rule is very real), doing karaoke, working out – literally anything! Well, except for tanning because that might be NSFW. Options are endless.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who has been affected by the coronavirus, send them your love and hope for a full recovery. For everyone else, be prepared like a Boy Scout about to go on a camping trip … but an indefinite one. Thanks for reading!

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