I DON’T ALWAYS EAT UNTIL I CAN’T MOVE … WAIT, YES I DO!

The holiday season is probably the most divisive three months of the entire year. Sure, it’s a time to be thankful, and joyful, and giving, and terrified (you can get my full thoughts on Halloween’s place in the season HERE), but it’s also a time to pick a side and fight for it. No, I’m not talking about a political side, or a side of the dinner table, or a side of the family – those can be chosen at any time of the year. You don’t need pumpkins, dead turkeys, or cookies to do that to yourself.

Obviously I’m talking about when it’s acceptable to begin decorating for Christmas and playing some classic carols non-stop. In my experience, people tend to fall into one of these three categories:

  • Thanksgiving is a full on holiday and I don’t even get merry for Christmas until Black Friday
  • Thanksgiving is just a happy accident on the way to the best holiday of the year
  • All holidays are the same and should be treated equally

I’m not even going to touch that last category – you’re just wrong and that’s not true at all. Don’t be that person. Pick at least one to go all in for! Personally, I tend to fall into the middle category and if you’re with me, let’s drink some eggnog and play All I Want for Christmas is You on repeat. For everyone else, the ones in the first category in case you couldn’t keep up, I do not understand you at all. ‘You can’t skip Thanksgiving! It’s a time to be thankful and eat all of the food!’ – Thanksgiving lovers.

Mmkay … first of all, you should just be thankful like all of the time. If you need a holiday to remind you of that then it might be time to reevaluate your priorities. Yes, you get to eat … a lot. You know when else you can eat a lot though? THE ENTIRE CHRISTMAS SEASON! Which is 12 days long traditionally, 25 days if you’re Freeform, or year round if you’re like me so why do I want one day to eat when I can have multiple? I’m a big fan of eating (THAT’S NO SECRET), but Thanksgiving is just one day. 24 hours. That’s it. Nothing more. What is the appeal of that? 

Might I also point out that the Thanksgiving meal is shockingly similar to Christmas dinner. But without all the delicious cookies and holiday drinks. Makes no sense to me. I don’t need someone to tell me it’s ok to eat until my pants start to feel way too tight. I’m a grown adult, I can do that any day of the week. Don’t get me wrong, I love having those days off work and seeing my family. But it does bother me that both Thanksgiving and Black Friday are company holidays while only Christmas day is. Christmas Eve is just as big a deal. Corporate America never ceases to confuse me.

Anyways, to be clear, this is not a post complaining about Thanksgiving itself. It’s more of a general confusion around all the people who wait until the day after to begin celebrating Christmas. Can your spirit literally not handle double the joy and excitement? Why get excited for one holiday when you can be psyched up for two? Again, this is very simple math. 2 > 1. 12 > 1. 25 > 12 > 1. 365 > 25 > 12 > 1.

I have zero shame when it comes to Christmas. November 1 I take in my desk decorations and it’s a miracle I hold out until then because, if we’re honest, it’s never too early to be put in a hella amazing mood by looking at Christmas lights. It’s always a fun game to see how long after the New Year that my co-workers tolerate me keeping it up … my current record is February 8 and I think next year I’m going to beat that. Mostly since my main co-worker at the moment is my dog and she doesn’t care. Then it’s basically time to get stoked for that year’s Christmas so I don’t know why I even give in to peer pressure and take it down. I am a peacock, let me spread my wings and be merry!

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you love Christmas as much as I do, let’s debate who sings the best versions of each classic Christmas song. If you are a Thanksgiving turkey, then you may have your holiday, but come Black Friday, you better be jollier than Santa stealing cookies from random houses all over the world. Thanks for reading!


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A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DOG

Oh, to be a dog. Literally. Not a dog in the sense that you lead on multiple people at once and have zero moral feelings about playing with other people’s emotions. Those types of dogs have some karma coming for them. But actually dogs … for sure I want that life! Zero responsibility, zero shame, zero regrets, zero stress. What is not to love about that?! It’s the epitome of living in the moment and only in the moment. There is no concept of past, present, or future. There is just you and whatever has captivated your current attention. Which could be anything.

If you’re not a dog lover, then I guess the next best thing to picture is probably a television dog. Because, let’s be honest, no other animal compares to the love, loyalty, and happiness that is embodied by dogs. Cats definitely do not. Fish most certainly do not. Hedgehogs, snakes, rabbits, goats, horses, etc. also do not. I know what some dog owners may be thinking right now, though. My dog has been hella needy lately since I’m home all the time and sometimes I just can’t. Hmmm … this is a valid feeling. But let’s back up for a second.

When you come home from anywhere (even from just going to get the mail), who is more excited to see you? Your spouse or the dog? Hands down, zero question, the dog! When you haven’t been to the gym in a while, because who has free time at the moment, who will force you to get some exercise? Your spouse or the dog? Again, absolutely the dog! Your spouse might drop not-so-subtle hints, but the dog has to use the bathroom somehow. When you’re deep in an issue at work and are frustrated, stressed, and hangry, who will come put their head on your lap and give you that look? I’m not going to ask spouse or dog because it could go either way. But for fun let’s say only the dog! 

I have come to the conclusion that dogs have 3 main states of being. There is the attention state, the eating state, and the exercise state. I also have these 3 states, but add another 20(ish), or so, other options and that’s my pie chart. Which is about 20(ish) slices too many. In case the different options for emotions are unclear, I will explain:

The Attention State

Anytime the dog is being admired, loved, petted, talked about, surrounded by, thought of, engaged with, playing with, etc. people

The Eating State

Anytime the dog is actively consuming something. I’m not going to limit it strictly to food, because we all know a dog will eat anything in addition to their kibbles and human food – bugs, sticks, crumbs, other animal’s gifts to nature, etc.

The Exercise State

Anytime the dog is not resting. So any outdoor time, chasing squirrels time, going for a walk time, zoomies time, playing with a rope by themselves time, wrestling time, tug-of-war time, running down the stairs to check on who knows what time, etc.

Now, imagine if those were the only three mental states that could possibly consume your day? Wow! Mind-blown emoji moment. Where’s the stress? Where’s the grudges? Where’s the overthinking? Where’s the relationship drama? Where’s the money problems? Where’s the unrealistic body expectation issues? So many annoying things just gone. Poof! Like a magic wand. And the best part? Even if there is a temporary moment of naughtiness and the humans bring out the discipline, there is no short-term memory to tell you to sulk and think about how you’re going to get revenge. Because once it’s over, it’s over! You’re just happy all the time. I think we could all learn a little something from their existence.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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LOTS OF SKILLS AND NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM

General education development. GED’s for all you acronym lovers out there (talking to myself mostly, but I know there’s some other weirdos out there, too). What a fascinating use of our education system. If I listed all of the times that I put my Gen Ed to use in the real world, it would take up literally zero space. Say it ain’t so! Yes, unfortunately, all of my current knowledge comes from Google. When I don’t remember something, I turn to Internet Einstein. The all-knowing search engine that only sometimes lets me down. Although usually the let down is a personal ineptitude in search keywords, so I guess I can’t really blame that on someone else. I go more into my feels on the Google, and how literally anything is Google-able, in THIS POST.

College did teach me a lot of things. Mmm … wait, let me rephrase. College forced me to take classes across a disturbingly wide variety of topics in the hopes that I would learn a lot of things and be “well-rounded”. Things like the history of ancient ruins in early Rome. Creative writing and scientific research – conflicting concepts, one assignment. The life of Beyoncé (ok this wasn’t actually a waste, let’s be honest). How to be a wizard – spoiler alert: it’s more difficult than Harry and Hermoine make it seem. The American prison system. Modern day mathematics. All the tree species in rural Africa. So many, what’s the right word, curious offerings.

Still not really sure how those are helpful in navigating real-life issues. Such as filing taxes, applying for health insurance, receiving feedback at work, correctly bagging groceries in self-checkout (when do I have to bag and when is it alright not to? It’s so confusing!), how to remain calm in a highway parking lot (more on annoying traffic patterns in THIS POST), navigating the strange world of online dating, etc.

Somehow, that seems like a better use of my money. If college was free, then this would be a different story. Give me all the classes you’re marketing as required so they don’t get nixed from the offerings list and keep me there forever. Because that is what this is about right? Struggling departments trying to meet butts in seats requirements so they become part of everyone’s coursework. I can imagine this conversation vividly:

Board of Trustees: “Department A hasn’t seen the enrollment numbers we were promised. Let’s take it to the guillotine, it’s been real.

Chancellor: “No, wait! Let’s not make rash decisions. We can force all of our students to take at least one of their classes – it will make them more marketable.” 

Moral of the story is that college is apparently for suckers like me. Trying to do the right thing and get a piece of paper so people will think I know what I’m doing and might consider hiring me. The hard irony being that when you actually walk across the stage they give you a blank piece of paper. Symbolism for the blank spaces on your resume where your experience could have been, but you were forced to learn about how grocery stores arrange their shelves to coerce shoppers into buying certain products. Not unfascinating, but also not helpful in an interview for an engineering position.

Believe it or not, if I wanted to take some of these classes, I would have made that my major. Or I would have done it willingly and not cared about the cost. For three whole credits though, I expect a solid return on investment there. I pay you so that eventually someone will pay me. Yet here we are, not writing bibliographies, not analyzing rocks from my yard, not identifying tree varieties in the local park, not doing math, not mixing chemicals together to see a reaction, not looking at cells under a microscope, not casting spells, etc. No, if I need to do any of that, I look it up online. Clearly the most important part of my education has stuck with me then – how to use my resources to efficiently find a solution to a problem.

Why they force us to take tests without technology is beyond me. I’m not sure how proving that you can remember something for a small period of time after staying up all night studying is applicable in a job environment. Where you have computers. And the Internet. And everyone encouraging you / telling you to figure it out yourself (aka with the help of a robot like Google, Alexa, Siri, Watson, etc.).

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who has also experienced the tragedy of GED’s, share this with them so they can take solace in the fact that college doesn’t just hate them. It’s a universal issue. Thanks for reading!


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HOW EARLY IS TOO EARLY? HOLIDAY MUSIC EDITION

You already know what time of year it is! Holiday season is in full swing. The weather wants to get colder, but some of us in the South are still living in heavy after-effects of summer. Much to the disappointment of our northern brethren probably. Football season is, for the most part, happening. The Masters just wrapped up. Themed store displays, and candy, are everywhere. Halloween was less terrifying than usual due to social distancing at haunted houses. Pumpkin flavored everything is available. The news is talking about how to enjoy a virtual Thanksgiving with your loved ones. Or, for the daredevils of the world, how to safely meet in person. You know, just a standard year filled with standard holiday happenings. 

One of my favorite things about this time of year, outside of the lights, is the holiday music scene. Well … let me rephrase. One of my favorite things about any time of the year is holiday music. It just brings a whole new hype level when we’re actually within the 55 day mark. Which, of course, is HALLOWEEN. A most ironic symbol. Terrifying horror stories kick off the final countdown to love, peace, and joy. And fresh starts. I think for most people, all we want for Christmas is for 2021 to finally arrive. But also the iPhone 12 because we still have people to impress on social media.

Despite my personal feelings on the matter, I’m very aware that not everyone is in the same sleigh here. Everyone has their ‘it’s too early’ line and are rarely willing to cross it. Which then begs the existential crisis of a question – how early is too early? I tend to think that your answer to this very much depends on where you stand on Thanksgiving. Specifically on the following questions that I have answered to help clear up any confusion:

  • Is it a holiday? 
    • Yes! Of course it’s a holiday – some 401 years ago someone landed here and ate to celebrate. And so we continue to celebrate their miraculous sea voyage out of respect
  • Is it a holiday that needs a buildup? 
    • Definitely not! It’s a meal. At the end of the day, it’s simply a family meal. A typical Sunday lunch for some people. Just with more effort involved in cooking and cleaning
  • Is it a holiday we decorate for?
    • Nope! What would you do? Throw out some gourds, put leaves on your walls, and place a fake cornucopia in the middle of the table? So basically if you were decorating for the leaves changing colors then, ok
  • Is there specific Thanksgiving events that would lead to an intense hype? 
    • There are! Turkey Trots anyone? Because deep down we know what kind of annihilation we’ll be bringing on our stomachs later in the afternoon so we try to get ahead of it
  • Is it really just a few days off work? 
    • Technically, yes! It’s just part of the standard holiday days at most companies. Along with Black Friday because we’re all too full to move still. And thus productivity would be non-existent
  • Is it simply another excuse to supersize our meals? 
    • For sure! There’s literally zero reason that Thanksgiving dinner needs to have more food than a normal family would prep in a week. Also, what’s with the skipping lunch tradition? Hard pass – I still want 3 meals that day regardless of how it happens
  • Is it just an old tradition that involved food so we stuck with it? 
    • Probably! What other holidays survived? Ones that involve eating, or drinking in some fashion. Give the people what they want!
  • Is it necessary? 
    • 100%! If we didn’t have Thanksgiving we would just have this weird almost 2 months between Halloween and Christmas where panic would ensue. There would be no clear, this is now Christmas time, for all the people who believe Thanksgiving deserves 3+ weeks of buildup. When would they start listening to holiday music? When would they decorate with trees and snowmen and elves? Would they just accidentally miss Christmas?! The horror
  • Is there an exchanging of gifts?
    • If you’re asking this question, you clearly are the person who listens to All I Want For Christmas is You one time and plays Silent Night before bed on Christmas Eve. Then preps for New Year’s. Gifts? Of food maybe

Not sure if that clears up your dilemma on when you believe it’s socially acceptable to turn those holiday jams on. But if you agreed with any of my answers, jump aboard the 55 day train and blast some Mariah, some JB, some Kelly, some PTX, or anyone else you enjoy! If you feel bad about Thanksgiving, don’t. There’s still plenty of people out there who are giving the turkeys their fair share of time. Besides, it’s not like you’re not going to celebrate it? Thanksgiving will still get its day of love and full bellies. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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STAGES OF LIFE: AS TOLD THROUGH SOCIAL MEDIA

Social media is everywhere. On our phones, on our computers, on our watches, on our TVs, in our cars, in the office, on every website, on QR codes hanging from any and all surface areas, on voice activated home assistants, etc. And it comes in many different forms. There’s professional social media, flaunt social media, rant social media, unprofessional / expressive social media, discussion social media, evidence will last forever social media, and evidence only lasts as long as you specify social media. So many options, there’s a platform for everyone!

One of my new favorite hobbies is to ask strangers what their most used social media app is and try to guess their general age range. In my head, of course, because there are certainly outliers to this data set. Like with all good, non-research conducted, totally opinionated based on the researcher’s experiences, non-scientifically backed in any way studies. Also, that would be rude if I just blurted it out. Especially if it was wrong, or if they’re embarrassed, or if they don’t want everyone in Bed, Bath, and Beyond knowing their age.

For all of my introverted readers, you’re probably melting at the thought of participating in this hobby. That’s fine, it’s not for everyone. But, I have learned some interesting things that I can share with you. Without any need for social interaction on your part. Let’s examine some data I found / collected / assumed about the 9 most common social platforms that people use today (*NOTE: zero part of this has actually been researched and all information presented is my take on life):

TikTok

Pre-COVID: primarily used by Gen Z and hard-core judged by millennials and beyond

COVID: everyone has lost all shame, and concern for Chinese spies, and are now participating

Post-COVID: TBD, but this won’t be the first thing I throw out when we get through this mess

Snapchat

Concentrated in Gen Z and younger millennials. The point system is attractive to our senses of controlling our destiny on the leaderboard of life.

Instagram

Popularized by millennials, acquired by Gen Z, being slowly introduced into Gen Alpha, and containing some forward-thinking Baby Boomers, or people who want to keep up with their younger family members.

Pinterest

Mainly a female social media. Think Instagram meets LinkedIn meets your dreams. It’s an organizer’s online dream and can help you constantly see what you want, in a way that doesn’t involve back-door bragging.

Reddit

The most obscure of the generational breakdown. Reddit kind of appeals to anyone who likes to argue, or put their two cents into any conversation, anonymously. 

Twitter

Outside on Gen Z influencers, Twitter tends to be primarily centered on Baby Boomers and Millennials. Like a modern day newspaper where you can just express yourself, in 280 characters or less, with lots of judgement from all other Twitter users.

Facebook

As we start to phase out even millennials, we begin to question the longevity of this platform. Messenger brought forth a resurgence in “usage” among us young people, but is that really Facebook? No, it’s a chat application that uses your profile picture for convenience and probably data sharing reasons.

LinkedIn

Social is a stretch – professional media feels more appropriate. If you work and are college age and older, you better be on LinkedIn. It’s where you can show how qualified, or unqualified depending on your profile, you are to get paid. Be warned, though, this is not the place to post puppy pictures or talk about your love for Friends. Which is overrated and, like Harry Potter, had it’s time. 

Email

If you answer email as your favorite social app, you clearly are a dinosaur. Email is not a social platform. It is a professional way to communicate with internal and external clients in the workplace. Also to confirm your online shopping orders and track the shipment to know when you have to put pants on and open the door. There is no other use.

There you have it! The stages of life as told through social media. So if you’re crushing your TikTok and Insta game right now and think you’ll never in a million years stop caring about what all of your followers think about you, well, maybe think again. The evidence is quite clear. We will all end up on email forwarding chain mail to our friends and family at some point. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD JUMP OUT FROM BEHIND A TREE WITH A CHAINSAW AND CHASE ME

Fall is just the best. The leaves change colors, it gets colder (helllloooo flannel weather), football season is in full swing, pumpkin lives everywhere and in everything, desserts become the main food group, Thanksgiving is coming – what is not to love?! That was a rhetorical question for all you readers out there right now thinking one, or more, of the following:

  • I hate the cold, I’d rather it be so hot I can’t tell the difference between the inside of my car and an oven
  • Flannel makes me look like a lumberjack and buttons are for The Pussycat Dolls, not real adults 
  • Pumpkin is the worst food and I hate all pumpkin tasting things
  • Football is confusing, sports are dumb, I wish that schools would do away with athletics and invest the money in useful things like underwater basket-weaving
  • The leaves don’t change color, they die! And then I have to rake and rake and rake and rake and rake and rake and rake and rake them out of my yard
  • I’m on a diet and I don’t “dessert” right now
  • Thanksgiving is just an excuse for our country to get fatter and spend all their money on things they don’t need

Alright all you negative Nancys, gloomy Gregs, cynical Cindys, and pessimistic Petes – I don’t know who threw you into a leaf pile as a child and left you there, without a jacket on, to cry all cold and alone, but I am not here for it. Therapists get paid a lot of money to listen to your traumatizing stories … and last I checked, I am not a therapist. Nor do I even pretend to be, so I’m going to need you to take your sad sack self somewhere else. Or at least fake your happiness for the next few minutes.

Quick tangent (that should make you doubters smile, or at least twitch one side of your mouth slightly): pumpkins belong to the same food family as cucumbers and squash. Get ready for this: it’s the cucurbita family! What a fun word! It’s latin for gourd – also a fun word, but not as freaking fantastic as CUCURBITA. Sounds like an adult beverage … I’ll take one cucurbita margarita, por favor señorita.

Anyways, so we have Fall – this wonderful, magical time of year. Yet, like many (almost) perfect things, there’s always that one little head-scratching quirk you could do without. Enter Halloween – the actual devil’s holiday where we aim to frighten people (of all ages, mind you, because evil doesn’t discriminate) with the most awful, horrific, terrifying creatures and actions we can think of. Nothing is off limits apparently, because it’s the one time of year where vicious acts of violence are not only fantasized on television, but actively praised by audiences.

‘What a great movie, my favorite part was when the killer MURDERED EVERYONE!’ 

‘That movie scared the crap out of me! Especially when the possessed child ripped out the doctor’s throat and MURDERED EVERYONE!’ 

‘I love horror movies because the characters make terrible decisions and EVERYONE GETS MURDERED!’

‘I want to dress up as the grim reaper this year. I really admire his ability to effectively MURDER EVERYONE!’

You sick, demented, souls. How can you like that? Your idea of fun is watching a movie depicting one of the worst sins of all time, and you want to be scared while doing that?! Call me crazy, but I like sleeping peacefully at night. Without thoughts like: ‘I hope the zombie isn’t hiding under my bed waiting to spread the killer plague to me’ or ‘I hope that the loose serial killer isn’t standing behind my shower curtain waiting to end me’ or ‘I hope that there isn’t someone with a chainsaw standing behind this flickering street light waiting to chase me to my death’.

Ugh, Halloween is not for me and I was over it a long, long time ago. Is the candy good? Yes, but I’m an adult now and can simply walk into a safe, well-lit, Target on a Saturday morning and purchase as many bags of Reese’s Pumpkins as I wish (ok, well, actually, only like 3 because they’re expensive and I’m not trying to drop $50 on chocolate). I’m not ashamed, I’ll own it, I’m a bit of a wimp. I get scared way too easily as it is in normal life, I don’t need an extra reason to have a minor heart attack. Judge me all you want – I’m the one safely inside with my three bags of Reese’s watching a feel good Christmas movie while you’re out there running for your life, hoping chainsaw boy isn’t faster than you.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone, or are that someone, who loves Halloween, I highly doubt we would ever be good friends because how could I trust you? Your idea of a good time is enjoying life’s creepiest creatures from the deep, dark depths of hell. Hard pass from me, but thanks for reading!


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WHY EVERY ADULT NEEDS A ONESIE

Quick! What comes to mind when you think of a onesie? Babies? Pajamas? Soulmate? A king size candy bar? I clearly can’t read your mind, not only because I can’t see you, but because we simply have not evolved to that stage of living as a species yet. If you thought of an adult, however, you are clearly a MILLENNIAL. Not everyone has embraced the adult onesie mindset / lifestyle yet, and that makes me a little bit sad. Stop sleeping on onesies, because, in my opinion, every self-respecting adult should own one.

The obvious argument here is Halloween costumes. If nothing else convinces you to consider purchasing a onesie, think of Halloween. How annoying is it to figure out a costume each year? Very. How challenging is it to find the costume you decide on? Very. How original is your costume idea? Probably minimal. How warm will your costume keep you? It won’t. How many times can you reuse this costume? Never. How manageable is standing / walking in the shoes that go with your costume? Not at all. Catching my drift here? Halloween costumes are impractical. They’re overpriced. They usually come with parts, or makeup, that is meant for a one night use only. They aren’t built for keeping you warm, despite the end of October bumping up into winter. And they don’t account for people being on their feet for extended periods of time in them.

Enter the adult onesie. They’re easy to get. They’re affordable. They come in a somewhat disturbingly wide variety of styles. They’re warm. They pair nicely with sneakers. They’re perfect for extroverts because it’s a conversation starter. They’re perfect for introverts because they come with hoods. They’re easy to hide snacks and drinks in … and I guess trinkets from the house you’re at if that’s the lifestyle you’re choosing to participate in (but shame on you if you use that precious food space to steal a vase). They can morph into a half onesie, half whatever shirt you decided to wear, or not to wear, underneath it. They can be sexy, if that’s your criteria. But above all of those amazing features, they’re versatile.

Think pajamas! Think girls night! Think tailgating! Think camping! Think boudoir photos! Think work from home outfit! Think birthday parties! Think holiday parties! Think zoo visits! Think conventions! Think family holiday card photos! Basically, whatever you do, you can do in a onesie. Except use the bathroom easily. All great things have a flaw and needing to visit the restroom is the onesie’s kryptonite. Since it has to be unzipped, or unbuttoned, far enough to be able to get your arms out and pull the torso section down out of harm’s way. Which, realistically, only becomes an issue the more hydrated you are – and I don’t mean with water. So it’s kind of a glass half full versus glass half empty argument. Is it annoying? Yes. Is using the bathroom in general annoying? Also, yes. You decide what the root issue is here.

Let me wrap this up, because some people out there are probably getting very concerned for the millennial generation as a whole by this point. In summary, adult onesies for the win! There’s just no good excuse not to have one in today’s society. Especially if you have children. Get matching ones and make it your holiday card. We’re a progressive breed and this is clearly a train that’s going to stick around for a while. Couple pro tips I want to offer for all the first time onesie buyers before jumping off:

  • Amazon has a great selection, but plan on about 5-7 days shipping (even if you have Prime)
  • Purchase in Incognito Mode, or you may end up with some targeted ads that you didn’t ask for
  • Always buy a size bigger than the size chart indicates you are for maximum comfort and loungeablitiy
  • If it costs more than $40, you’re overpaying for that onesie
  • Purchasing after Halloween, or at other random points throughout the near not within a month of Halloween, provides best pricing options
  • Get the option with a tail and a high quality hood, otherwise you’ll look cheap and like a total onesie noob
  • Confidence is the outfit sidekick to the onesie, own it when you wear it
  • Never sleep on the thought of purchasing a onesie, if it isn’t mildly impulsive it won’t be as fun

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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WE NEED TO STOP TAKING UNWRAPPED CANDY FOR GRANTED

Think about this for a second: unwrapped candy. How does it make you feel? Angry, upset, annoyed, bleh, ugh, nothing? Those are all incorrect feelings. You should be feeling excited, joy, surprised yet intrigued, curious, pumped, ecstatic, overjoyed, filled with hope. Why? Um, because it’s candy. That comes unwrapped. Does your dessert life get any better than that? No, not at all! All of the tedious effort that was present before, has been eliminated from the equation. This is innovation and efficiency at its finest.

We all know that grocery shopping is a beautiful social experiment, and clearly highly suitable for JOB INTERVIEWS and first dates. If this is the first you’re hearing about this modern phenomena, welcome to the future of problem solving, creative thinking, and flexibility challenges to prove your worth. Grocery stores are kind of a hidden gem – there’s so much happening in those aisles. While each one has its place, this post is going to get laser focused on one aisle, specifically. The candy aisle. The most exciting, but also the most guilt-inducing, aisle in the whole store.

I don’t always travel down the candy aisle, but when I do, I end up with a cart full of sweets and the guilty look of a puppy who just chewed up your favorite pair of shoes. Self-control isn’t even part of my vocabulary. There’s just so many fun things to try! New M&M’s flavors, new Reese’s shapes, new Twizzlers flavors, new Hershey Kisses flavors, new Kit Kat flavors, you get the point. If no one ventured to try the new candies, they would all disappear off shelves forever. Which would truly be a tragedy. So I like to take it upon myself to support the lifecycle of whatever new concepts have appeared on shelves for the good of everyone.

Imagine if no one had taken a chance on unwrapped candy options. We would forever be stuck trying to peel those ridiculous Reese’s paper wrappers off the mini chocolate. Or have to trust that our Kit Kats, York Peppermint Patties, and Twix bars (despite their ridiculous feud over left and right sides – more on my Twix thoughts in THIS POST) had wrappers that weren’t going to do the most to protect its contents. Enter the best thing that has ever happened to sweet tooths worldwide. The removal of wrappers.

Why did we need wrappers in the first place? I get the King Size bars at the registers. Those are their own package and once opened, contain unwrapped candy. But why put a bunch of smaller versions of the same candy in a package where they were individually wrapped in another layer of defense against … what? Air particles? People’s thoughts? Who approved that? What a ridiculous workflow – open a package, select an item, open that item, then you can eat it. Nope. That’s too many steps. 

Thank goodness candy manufacturers leveled up and got smart. Save money on packaging and save time from package to mouth. There are zero losers in the new scenario. Plus, all the packages are now resealable too! What does this mean? You will no longer lose stray candies that venture too close to the edge of the bag without permission. Not that this feature is usually necessary, but if there are people out there who don’t eat the whole bag at once this could come in handy. Wow. How is everyone not losing their minds over this?! Pure genius. Less stress. Less obstacles to consumption. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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DON’T PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD … UNLESS IT’S A PUMPKIN

Fall is great! The seasons G.O.A.T, if you will. What’s not to love? Sweater weather, pumpkin flavored everything, cooler temperatures, football season, one of the two best Reese’s shapes reappears, corn mazes, apple picking, lumberjack fashion is in style, there’s a pair of boots for every outfit, the leaves change colors, your A/C bill becomes negligible, you can run at any time of day and not have to wake up at 4AM to beat the humidity, and holidays centered mostly around food are right around the corner – to name a few. 

It’s also one of the only times where it’s acceptable to play with your food. No one will yell at you. No one will scold you. No one will take away your dessert. No one will lecture you about not playing with your food. No, instead they will actively encourage it. What a fun twist of fate that is! All year long you’ve been carving pictures in the butter container, decorating your pancakes with syrup art, rearranging your peas and carrots into a sad face to no avail. Only an extra helping of vegetables and an indefinite suspension of your knife privileges. 

There’s whole businesses dedicated to selling the one food not intended to be consumed after picking. Entire block parties where people come together and compete for the best designs. Food Network shows where professionals show off their skills. Pause. How does one become a professional? How many practice attempts were needed? How do they have endless time to slice, dice, and create next level designs in a food? How does one get into this profession, and why? At what point do you wake up and decide that your next hobby will be food mutilation? How much money does this cost? What am I even talking about?

Pumpkin carving, of course! Every kid’s food dream. And, apparently, some adults’ as well. What happens if you carve a beautiful piece of art into the side of a pumpkin? You probably get some candy as a celebratory treat. You definitely get bragging rights over your siblings, friends, co-workers, neighbors – whoever is judging their artistic abilities against yours. This fall tradition is hilarious to me. So many interesting choices for an “activity” and I have questions on how it began.

Think about this for a second: at some point, someone was bored (I’m assuming) and decided to take a knife and carve a design into the side of a pumpkin. After cutting the top off and removing all of the pumpkin guts, of course. Then, they decided to put a candle in it at night to show off the disturbing jack-o-lantern to everyone within a visual radius. Wut? If a friend came up to you today, handed you a jagged knife, and asked if you wanted to hollow out a watermelon and carve a design in it you’d probably smell their breath for traces of liquid influence. Or question your taste in people. To clarify quickly, cutting the top off a fruit and filling it with liquor is not the same as mutilating it for strictly visual entertainment.

Such a fascinating experiment in human decisions when left alone for too long, don’t you think? Makes you wonder what new “traditions” we may see when COVID finally decides to go back to its spaceship and travel to a different planet. Of all pastimes, I usually avoid ones with sharp objects. As a general safety rule. I’m more of a go to the pumpkin patch, pick out a perfect small to medium sized pumpkin, and use a modern decorating approach to simply place it on my porch. If I’m feeling crazy, I might draw on it. Feels more humane.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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LIFE LESSONS FROM CUSTOMER SERVICE

Working on the front lines in a customer facing role feels like a crucial life skill that everyone should experience at some point during their working lives. It gives you a certain viewpoint and helps lead to empathy, patience, and kindness towards those workers in the future. For normal people anyways. How could you not want to be kind to a customer service representative if you’ve had the chance to be on the receiving end of the call? Especially knowing how unpleasant some customers are to deal with.

Let’s clear the air and set one thing straight. Rarely is it even the customer service worker’s fault. Did they break the product? No. Did they send out a marketing email promo that doesn’t work? No. Did they go on the coffee run and get your order wrong? No. Did they decide to completely pivot the business model screwing over current customers? No. Did they decide to acquire a rival company? No. Did they make empty promises during the sale? No. Did they fail to complete a thorough product test before shipping the update to production causing a major bug? No. Did they conjure up a storm that knocked out power, and thus the Internet, causing you to lose access to unsaved changes? No. Did they deliver the shipment in a careless way causing damage? No.

I could go on, but I feel like the main point here is very clear: the person you are talking to is merely a middle man attempting to help you, despite it not being their fault. Saints. Granted, you usually can’t go straight to the source, which, honestly, is the smartest thing companies ever implemented. That doesn’t make some of the responses warranted, though. But this post is not about how some of us really need to calm down. No, it’s about what working in the customer service industry teaches an individual.

Mute Buttons are Your Best Friend

Has there ever been a time where you’ve responded to someone without really thinking about what you’re saying, or the potential professional implications of those words? The mute button exists. Use the mute button. Think of it as a trial run. It could save your life.

Some Things Need to Run Their Course

Remember that time when you were really angry and summarized all of your feelings into one, concise sentence? Me neither, because that’s not a thing. Angry is to rambling as white is to rice. They go together – wait out the storm.

Patience Doesn’t Always Work

Patience is a virtue. And Oreos are delicious. Doesn’t mean they’re healthy. There are situations where being passive is not the right choice. Put your best fake smile on and go with blunt honesty. Don’t let the bulldogs walk over you because you appear willing to listen indefinitely.

Some People Are Just Sour Patch Kids

We all know the human Sour Patch Kids. The ones who are sour at first and absolutely ruin your appetite for no reason. Like, I don’t know who peed in your Cheerios this morning, but I did not do, whatever it is you’re upset about, to you. Your complaint isn’t even about our company.

Life is Short, Move On

Not everyone is worth your memory. Deal with it in the moment, then make like a goldfish and forget. Move on! You’ll be happier.

Sometimes It’s Better To Not Say Anything

Would you jump in front of a moving train? I certainly hope not. Know when you need to simply put your headset on the desk and SURF BUZZFEED for a bit until the anger train finally comes to a stop. If you get invested in an article and simply can’t return to the question, ask how it makes them feel to start that steam engine again.

You Won’t Always Have an Answer

There will come a point where you are no longer all-knowing. Where you will need to go find the answer and circle back. Don’t be disappointed, this buys you time and teaches you something! Might as well kill two birds with one stone. Maybe hot head will have cooled down in the meantime.

Dodge, Duck, Dip, Dive, And Dodge

When in doubt, follow the 5 D’s of dodgeball: dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge. Throw the department who put you in this mess under the bus. Did I spit on your pizza? No, that must have been an oversight from the cooking staff – I will follow up with them right away. Who me? No you must mean that team over there. Deflect for the win … and for your sanity. Besides they won’t be able to contact the real problem team to confirm.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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