NOT ALL TOILETS ARE CREATED EQUAL

Let’s get awkward. Everyone has to use the bathroom. Women included. Why is that a relationship milestone? Comfort level: the girl uses the bathroom … just like me … interesting. I have so many questions on this, but that’s not really the point of this post. Ah, but I can’t resist, let’s address a few of them really quick. Number one quick. What do you think is happening in women’s restrooms? How else would they clear their systems of Taco Bell? Do you understand how human digestive systems work? If so, do you also understand that men and women both have digestive systems? That isn’t a one way street. It’s not a level up prize for part of the human species. Ok, I have to stop before I get further down this drain.

Are diapers considered toilets? Disposable toilets? One and done dump stations? Technically, they are engineered for one purpose. Which, of course, is containment. Although they don’t go into the sewer system … so are they just trash? Disgusting trash, but I guess technically still a stinking piece of garbage. On the other hand, it’s a designated area for the business. I’m genuinely curious now. According to the top hit on a brilliant Google search, they are merely a back-up and “not full-time toilets”. I don’t have children, you’re welcome universe, but I have friends with children. Who I’m sure would argue that the diaper IS a full-time toilet until a grown-up, plastic, potty training toilet can be introduced. What parent out there is using diapers as merely a backup option? You’re telling me that you spend the day closely monitoring the child and hoping to correctly guess at which point to rush them into the bathroom? No. No, I don’t buy that. We are all much too busy to be observant to someone else’s bowel schedule.

Ok so we will remove them from evaluation. Let’s stick to toilets that are purely not disposable or plastic in nature. Like a Scrubbing Bubbles toilet gel. Which, I find to be one of the most fun cleaning products on the market. And I just aged a million years writing that sentence. I have no regrets, though. What better way to clean than to give your toilet bowl a shot and walk away. 1, 2, done. No need to count to three, the toilet can’t feel what’s happening. Bathroom cleaned. Everything should have an automatic, clinging, cleaning gel. The sink, the oven, the baseboards, any surface that accumulates dust, the shower, your car, your phone case, etc. My life would be spotless. But my immune system would be garbage.

Anyways, I’m deeply distressed about the wide variety of power that comes from a supposedly standard toilet. There is a power spectrum and I don’t understand why they can’t all be equal. Does it cost more for force generation in the flush? Another thing that I genuinely don’t know. I’ve never bought a toilet. No, if there are plumbing problems I just move. It feels easier and less gross. Let’s go over the power spectrum (in order from weak to The Rock):

The Pincher

This type of toilet flushes whatever you dropped in there the same way you would hold a used bandaid away from you. Between your thumb and index finger with the most minimal contact possible

The Tease

This type of toilet thinks it’s funny to act like it’s not going to do anything unless you drop a hippo on the lever. The stronger you push down, the stronger the flush swirl seems to get

The I Can Do This All Day

This type of toilet is responsive, but just swirls and swirls and swirls. Which is great at a water park, but not great when you’re waiting to get the answer to the will I / won’t I need the plunger question.

The Vortex

This type of toilet is the strongest I have encountered on the residential market. You flush, it disappears. No questions. Get in, get out.

The Airplane Mode

This is the ultimate toilet. On both power and fear factor levels. It can read your mind. Before you even hit flush it has vanished and left a deafening rush of wind in your ears. Nothing like fear to make you need to make another trip to the toilet.

As you can see, there is a broad spectrum of strengths. Why? Simply why? How have the first half of the spectrum survived into 2020? Clearly they’ve been here since like the dinosaurs because even my grandma can swirl a glass of wine faster than some of these bowls. Is it personal preference? Are there people who actually like the weaker options? Why? Why buy angel hair pasta when you could have lasagna? Makes zero sense. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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IF PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY, THE GYM HAS TAUGHT ME I HAVE ZERO STRENGTH

‘You know it was a good workout when you can’t feel your legs the next day’ – all the fitness gurus. ‘If I can’t feel my legs, that seems like a serious medical condition’ – Me

Pain is weakness leaving the body. Who came up with that phrase?! What weakness are you removing? Are there no other ways to get stronger? This seems like a backwards mentality – if you workout until you are in pain, then yes, eventually you’ll get stronger after you fully heal. On the other hand, if you push yourself without crossing the pain threshold, you’ll wake up feeling normal and will be able to do another workout…the very next day. Not 4-6 weeks later.

I mean sure, DOMS is satisfying (if you don’t know what DOMS is, it stands for Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness), but soreness is the key word here. This isn’t DOMP for a reason. Pushing through pain leads to injury which leads to recovery AKA time spent on the couch doing little physical activity, but still eating like you’re training for the Olympics. (because we’re Americans and have ZERO CONTROL).

Can we all also agree that this statement is rude as hell?! What about all the workout beginners who are just in pain because working out is THE WORST and, if you have taken any extended amount of time off, you know that it will all hurt for a while. Just because life thinks it’s funny I guess. ‘Oh you want to be healthy and live longer? I’m going to make you work, suffer, and cry for it’ – Life. ‘Oh you want to be happy, comfortable, and pain free? I’m going to make sure your metabolism disappears and that just thinking about eating will make you gain weight’ – also Life.

Is that why yoga is so popular now? You can “work out” and feel like you didn’t do anything. I don’t want to get into my opinions on yoga…don’t feel a need to drive away mass amounts of readers for no real reason. All I’ll say, is that I believe yoga is a great supplement to other physical activities. I’m not a yogi, if you couldn’t tell. I’ve never felt good after a yoga workout, though, which is probably the reason. The instructors always tell me to stretch deeper which is PAINFUL because my flexibility leaves a lot to be desired if I’m honest. And, in case you missed the point of this post, pain is NOT what I’m aiming for.

Pilates I like. Barre should not even be considered a low impact workout – I didn’t know there were so many muscles in my butt that could hurt so bad. I’ve iced my a** one time and I’ve done a Barre workout one time. Coincidence? 100%! That was one of those workouts I had to take constant breaks from…at a random point during an exercise and not during designated water breaks. I also shed several tears.

Running is weird because jogging is considered low impact, but running is high impact? I’m as confused as you are with that sentence, but it’s actually true (Google it, I dare you). What’s the difference between running and jogging? I still haven’t figured that out because all knowing Google describes jogging as a pace that allows one to maintain a conversation…it also describes running (other than full on sprinting) as conversational pace. I’m about as lost as I was in every history class ever. Whole different topic though, let’s not even touch that right now.

So, Restless Professional, how am I supposed to stay physically active without finding myself in pain?’ – You, the reader. Cycling then? Rowing? Stairmaster? Horizontal running? You do you – there’s lots of options out there. For clarification, I never claimed to be a fitness expert. Merely an opinionated person who doesn’t believe in the pain for gains mentality. I like being able to walk without waddling and not having my co-workers judge my assumed personal life decisions. You know what they say about assumptions Karen?! They make an a** out of you…also me I think but that part seems irrelevant here. And we’ve entered another quote rabbit hole.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you are someone who also actively avoids pain then we are twinning hard core and you should share this with them. Brag about that to your peers. Thanks for reading!


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