Tag: Succulents

RESPONSIBILITIES AREN’T GOOD PARTY FAVORS

I love a good party. I really love a good party where I receive gifts. I really, really love a good party where I receive a gift just for showing up. What genius decided that party favors should be a thing? I genuinely want to know so I can personally thank them. Take this example to truly understand what a beautiful service this is for society:

Party Host: I’m going to have a party! I have to plan out a theme and a date and a location and everything that goes into it. Then I have to spend my money to buy decorations, food, drinks, a venue perhaps, etc. Since all my time and actual real life money is clearly meaningless, I’m also going to spend time thinking of a gift for my friends to entice them to come. Then I’m going to actually buy that gift and give it to them … for free!

Party Guest: Oh, sweet! A party! I’ll probably start to get ready at the stated start time and roll up fashionably late. I’ll eat a free dinner and drink (lots) of free drinks. Then I’ll leave and let the host clean up because I’m a great friend. And, oh! Holy sh*t! You’re going to give me a present?! For what?! I mean, thank you – was I supposed to get you something? Remind me of your name again?

Now as amazing as party favors are, we need to establish some ground rules around what is acceptable to give, but more specifically what is unacceptable. We’ve gone down a very strange road here recently and I miss the days when I would get something useful (like food, or alcohol, or a gift card). Well, there’s really just one rule: do not, I repeat, DO NOT give me a responsibility! What do I mean? I don’t want a d*mn succulent is what I mean! We all are aware that my track record taking care of things is questionable, at best (more on my green thumb in THIS POST).

Seems more like a party curse than a favor. I came here to forget about my responsibilities, not to walk out the door with a new one to add to the list. No, if I was looking to add a responsibility to my life I’d get a dog, or have a kid, or something a little more exciting than a tiny little plant. So if you give me something that I have to love, and water to maintain life, just give someone else two because I don’t want it. 

On that point, if we are friends, at all, you are aware that this succulent will not survive the month. Don’t be involved in this homicide. When I try to Irish exit without one, act like you don’t notice. Chasing me down to make sure I got one is not helpful for anyone. ‘Oh, it looks like you forgot to grab your favor!’ Erm, no, Karen, that was very much on purpose.

What else makes this list, you may be wondering? Fish. Leave them at the store where they’ll be happy, safe, and with friends. Books. I will feel like I need to read it – we’re all adults. Just give me a recommendation and then I’ll decide if I want to read it. Anything DIY. Again, I’m not trying to add anything to my To-Do list and I will feel obligated to make whatever the heck little art project you’ve given me. Coloring books. Are they really stress relieving? They stress me out. I feel like I have to color ALL of the pages – besides, I’m an adult so all of them would have to look perfect as well. As I’m typing, I’m noticing that I may have an issue with commitment? And possibly a tad OCD? Maybe I should talk to someone about this … on second thought, I basically just bared my soul to you for free. So what would a therapist really get me at this point? Besides another bill?

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who has “gifted” succulents before, send them this post so they can see the error in their ways. Keep that joy for yourself. Thanks for reading!

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DEAR SUCCULENTS: IF I WANTED TO TAKE CARE OF SOMETHING, I WOULD GET A DOG

I have a confession to make…I have committed a terrible sin. Honestly, I’m embarrassed to tell you what happened, but I feel like we’re on that level now, you and me, so here goes nothing:

In an apartment, not too long ago, a tragic homicide happened. A human (let’s call them a restless professional) was living their best life, minding their own business, not giving a care in the world. Now this human had been gifted a succulent. Mind you, no one asked said human if they were prepared, or even if they wanted, to take on the burden of caring for another living thing. To commit to ensuring that this plant would be fed and loved. No, there was no asking just a bold statement followed by the heavy click of the ball and chain now trapping the free-spirited human into responsibility.

So now the human had an (unwanted) succulent. The human, tending to look for the best in any situation, thought: ‘Well, plants have lots of health benefits so maybe this will be good! Besides, worst case scenario, my roommate is growing a small, thriving, forest on our balcony so they can help me out.’ And so the human took the succulent and put it on the windowsill (because everyone knows that plants need sunlight. I mean, come on, the human isn’t that clueless!). There the succulent lived happily in the warm, direct sunlight for a day, then two, then three, then a week, then two weeks, then three weeks, etc.

One day (about a month later) the human came home from work to find that it was still light outside (apparently some people get home before dark every day, lucky duckies). Desperately wanting to enjoy the last rays of warm, direct, sunlight they went over to the window and basked in the Vitamin D. Feeling truly elated, and a bit invincible, the human glanced down at the windowsill and noticed a little pot with nothing inside it. Seemed strange that the roommate would pack a pot full of dirt and then put nothing in it…maybe they were finally losing their touch? Maybe it was the human’s turn to show the world that, although they still get nervous when having to actually TALK on the phone to make an appointment, and don’t buy groceries that either can’t be microwaved or aren’t immediately ready for consumption, in fact they were a responsible adult and their parents could stop worrying about having to clean out their basement for a make-shift bedroom.

Then reality hit. Like a ton of bricks strapped to the front of an 18-wheeler going 70MPH on the highway. That wasn’t the roommates pot! No, that was the succulent gifted to the human (who knows how long ago at this point). It was green and thriving when first handed over, but now it was so dead it looked like dirt. What does a responsible, caring, living their best life human do in this situation? Well the only thing that makes sense when seeing a dead plant of course – ran it to the sink and drowned it in water (because obviously it was thirsty or it wouldn’t have died).

Now, I would just like to point out that succulents, by nature, are supposed to need VERY little attention. Did I maybe neglect it for too long? Neglect is a strong word – I prefer the term forgot. I didn’t purposefully not water my succulent. In my mind, the succulent had been watered when it was given to me, therefore it would be a couple months before it was a thirsty hoe again. Turns out, I was thinking of a cactus. It also turns out that succulents and cacti are NOT one and the same (much to my disappointment).

There you have it! You’re supporting an (accidental) plant murderer. Well…actually, in a weird twist of fate, turns out my succulent is thirstier than I am because the drowning actually brought half of it back to life. I’m happy to report that the living half is doing great currently…and also that my roommate immediately took over its care.

Moral of the story is this, two things really:

  1. You can’t just be assuming that people are ready to take care of something. Chances are if they are only (barely) taking care of themselves it’s for a reason
  2. There needs to be better education around succulents – if I wanted to take care of something, I’d get a dog because they are 100,000,000 times more fun (but that’s for ANOTHER POST)
  3. (I lied, there are three morals – see you can’t be trusting me) Everyone and everyTHING gets thirsty at some point so please chill with the judgement

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who has mistakenly been entrusted with a succulent, or a fish, or another seemingly innocent living organism, please get them the help they need immediately. Thanks for reading!

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