THINGS SPORT ANNOUNCERS SAY THAT LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE COULD ALSO SAY

Sports are a way of life. Not for all people, certainly, but for a lot of people. Because who doesn’t love getting overly invested in the performance of your favorite team and favorite players? Probably people who enjoy more stress-free ways of living or low blood pressure. It’s irritating when your team is not playing well, or worse: losing, or even worse: losing to your rival. In those moments you learn a lot about yourself as a person – where your priorities truly lie, how you handle stress, what you’re like under the pressure of trash talk, whether or not you’re a gracious loser, and how competitive you are regarding things that you have less than zero control over.

While sports have a lot of positives, there are some negative aspects that you have to deal with. Rioting, losing friendships, scandals, losing money, cheating, drugs, etc. And then, of course, you have the announcers. Sport announcers are there to say helpful things and aid in the viewing experience of the game. Supposedly. There is a most curious breakdown of things that can, and will, come out of an announcers mouth during the period of play. Ask any sports fan and they have announcers that they like, announcers that they tolerate, and then announcers they cannot stand.

Regardless of how you feel about the announcer, their dialogue can best be summarized as follows. Usually they throw some fun statistics in there and some inspiring story about the team, or a specific player. Constantly they will talk about what can best be described as sport conspiracy theories regarding playoffs based on the team’s performance to date. This includes, but is not limited to, previously played games, the current game being played, upcoming schedule of games, and what both a win and a loss mean going into the next day. It’s great to hear when they’re talking in favor of your team, and it’s the most obnoxious thing in the world when it’s against your team.

Some of the time they will interject with memories about their time participating in said sport, which usually feels more like a backdoor brag than anything. But then, the rest of the time is spent with them saying ridiculous things that anyone else in the whole freaking planet could also say. Sports fan, or not. And it just makes you stop and think about how they landed this cushy, well-paid, gig when you could also easily make broad statements about the nature of a sport. Statements such as:

  • What they’re trying to do here is win
  • If you ask me, they need to score more points
  • Coach does not look happy
  • If I played like that, I’d be sitting on the bench
  • That’s not good defense
  • To win, they’re going to need to beat the other team
  • I’m not sure what they’re thinking out there
  • Defense fell asleep on that play
  • They’ve dug themselves a big hole
  • Time is running out
  • I don’t agree with that call
  • I think that was a good call
  • From this angle, it’s hard to tell
  • I can’t see what’s happening down there
  • I think that a win would feel good
  • Offense wins games
  • Defense wins games
  • A loss is not going to be good here
  • They’re not going to be happy leaving the tournament early
  • They’ll only be satisfied holding the championship trophy

I could go on, but this feels like an inclusive enough list to make my point. Basically, sports announcers just find different ways to state the obvious. Or to say the wrong mascot for a team. People want to win. People don’t like to lose. Other people are often in charge of making decisions that you may, or may not, agree with. Failing to reach the end goal is never satisfying. And reaching a longtime dream is the best feeling in the world. None of that feels overly exclusive to sports – more of a life thing in general. All I’m saying is change the sport terms into everyday terms and you’ve got a recipe for inspirational sayings. Kind of feels like anyone could do it.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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HULU’S COMMERCIAL ALGORITHM: THE ULTIMATE TROLL

Hulu has crashed onto the streaming services scene and has really been making waves. Offering a live TV option. Giving you the fastest access to current seasons. Beginning to rival Netflix’s quality and quantity with their Hulu Originals. Having one of the best color schemes in television apps. Green is honestly superior to red. It’s the color of money for one. And half of the Christmas color scheme. Supposedly, according to my BIF (best Internet friend) Google, our minds associate it with life, nature, energy, growth, freshness, safety, and ambition, among other things.

Despite all the good things going it’s way, though, Hulu has a dark side. Some might think that’s their default advertisement tier. Those people would be partially right. I mean, sure, there is the option to pay for Hulu with no ads. But who has that kind of frivolous spending in their budget? It’s twice as much. And then I would lose my built in bathroom, and snack, breaks. In other words, for more of my money, I would physically have to pick up the remote to pause what I was watching to take a break. That feels backwards. A little unfair, honestly. Thus, I am but a Hulu peasant living with their commercial breaks.

Side tangent aside, the commercial breaks are a necessary evil in my current lifestyle. If you’re living the 1% life and don’t have the basic plan, then you may not be able to relate to the one major downside to Hulu. Which, of course, is their commercial algorithm troll. During my PH years – that’s pre-Hulu in case it was unclear – I thought I was kind of an average, normal-ish millennial. Sure I had my quirks, but overall believed I was in the same general range as my peers. From a lifestyle and preferences standpoint.

However, after leveling up to multiple streaming services and adding the big green H to my TV apps, I’ve realized that I am both a middle aged soccer mom and a lonely college student. I am neither a mom, nor am I middle aged, nor am I lonely, nor am I a college student. At least, I didn’t think I was. Enter Hubert the Hulu Troll. In my mind this algorithm is an angry old man, so I figured Hubert best fit that analogy. Hubert made me realize that I’ve basically been living in some weird dream as a mid-twenties millennial. 

I’m no algorithm expert, but I know that at a basic level it takes your viewing preferences and suggests commercials based on what category it thinks you fall into. Oh, and obviously your smart TV, and any other devices with your Hulu app, listens to your conversations and throws out commercials based on your conversations. So it takes the data it has, steals data from private conversations and stereotypes you. How fun is that?! 

If it feels a bit creepy, that’s because it is. I’ve been talking about adopting a new puppy since the fall. Simply talking. And texting. With my friends and family. On my phone. Which doesn’t have the Hulu app. Yet, guess who keeps getting Petfinder and Hill’s Pet Nutrition commercials? Correct, yours truly. Although, if we’re being honest, it could have been a much worse topic for them to take from my non Hulu related activity, so I guess there’s a silver lining. I get to see adorable dogs on my commercial breaks. On the flip side, though, it also thinks that I have children. I get a disturbing amount of Pull-Ups, minivan, and Hornitos tequila commercials. If Hulu is listening, please just send me more puppies.

Like all good technology, it doesn’t always get it right. Occasionally I get commercials for Meow Mix and I know you don’t know me, but I’m not a cat person. I don’t own a cat. I won’t own a cat. Stop trying to sell me on the impossible. I also find it funny when I get whiskey commercials since I hate whiskey. And all of my private conversations would indicate that. Maybe my significant other is whispering sweet nothings in Hubert’s ear to try and get me on the brown liquor train. But I will stand strong. 

My favorite part about Hubert, is that for a while I naively believed it was just random placements of ads to the highest bidder. Then my siblings, one who is in college and one who just graduated from college, informed me that they got Trojan, Tinder, and Tito’s commercials. At which point I realized that Hubert genuinely believes that I’ve outgrown my youth. I have not received a single commercial for any of those products. And I love a good moscow mule so what’s up with that?!

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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LIFE LESSONS FROM CRIMINAL MINDS

Hollywood has never been accused of exaggerating, or lying, in their television series so it’s safe to assume that everything is 100% accurate with how the world works. Same as with things you read on the Internet. Totally factual. This is why I binge-watch (and am good at it, you can read more about how to do it like a pro in THIS POST). Purely for the knowledge and zero other reason. 

Some shows have been around since the dinosaurs. You know which ones I’m talking about. Anything in a double digit season, or on their fifth farewell season, or the ones where you think you’re watching a rerun, then realize that the description says it came out last week and you wonder if you invented time travel overnight successfully. I love playing the guessing game of whether or not this is really goodbye. You say this is the last time, and yet here you are…again…broadcasting all over my screens that you’re coming back for more. Then, when the end does come, your emotional bank is empty and you’re just left feeling confused, without direction for the evening ritual of mindlessness.

Criminal Minds is one of those shows. Unless you haven’t turned on a TV since 2005, you’ve seen Criminal Minds. Even if you didn’t realize you were watching Criminal Minds. It’s everywhere. I always forget that they’re still actively catching the world’s most disturbed individuals (because crime doesn’t stop). Well, that’s not entirely true. This is the year that it stops. Right? If the show is ending, have they caught EVERYONE? If not, then you better saddle back up cowboy and finish the job. How am I supposed to have any sense of safety in life sans my fictional saviors? It might be time to start preparing for the end of the world.

If they will no longer save me, then I’ll have to use all the lessons I’ve learned over the past 15 years to survive. Gaining this wealth of knowledge, though, and not sharing it seems selfish. And us millennials are known to be the most unselfish generation. Or maybe we are the most selfish? I can’t remember, I was thinking about myself when reading the article and I’ve forgotten.

Good Guys Always Win

Bad guys always get caught. Always. And if not in this episode, then at some point in the future with a breakthrough case that suspiciously links the missing pieces together. Exactly the same as in life. Never give up on being the good guy!

You Need a Jet if You’re in a Hurry

Do I need to elaborate on this? Jets are the best mode of transport. Faster than commercial airlines, trains, boats, cars, walking, etc. Just get a jet, it’s no big deal.

One Person Can Do it All

Call me Penelope Garcia and give me a task – I’ll get it done all by myself in the speed of light. Faster than a jet you could say. Faster than technically, physically, and humanly possible. Hard work and infinitely being on call will lead to results.

Time Off is a Myth

Oh, you put in for vacation? That’s cute, but we have this problem that you, and only you, can help with so come in ASAP. Drop everything – your book, your family, your marathon training, everything and get to the office. 

Everyone Has a Past

Even the crime fighters have secrets and regrets. Don’t hold on to this. Say what you need to say, take the high road, and stop letting it stress you out. Eventually it will impact other areas of your life (*cough* Gideon).

Don’t Judge a Book By It’s Cover

It’s always the pure, innocent seeming people that end up being guilty. We’re good at portraying ourselves how we want others to see us. Become a human lie detector and learn to trust your gut.

Lying Will Only Hurt You

Eventually you’ll get caught in the web you’ve spun yourself into, you little spider monkey. Lying is exhausting because you constantly need new ones to cover up existing ones. Do yourself a favor and tell the truth. Better yet, don’t kill people and then you won’t need to lie about it.

Know How to Google Search

A good Google search is the difference between being efficient and being frustrated. Need information quick (because someone’s life, or your lunch hour, depends on it)? Figure out how to get results instantly and become immediately valuable to your team.

I feel like I could more in depth, but, if I had to summarize all the years that we’ve spent together, that would be the gist of it. Of all long-running shows, I’m going to miss this one. The realness makes me feel alive and like I should maybe learn how to interrogate strangers, just in case. Good thing there’s endless reruns available everywhere cable is sold! Are you a hard-core BAU fanatic and feel like I’m off base, or that I missed one? Let’s chat about it. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you feel like you’re qualified to hunt down the weirdos out there to keep us safe, please let the directors know so we can end the madness that is the Criminal Minds finale. Thanks for reading!


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