WHY DO I WORK OUT? TO EAT MORE…OBVIOUSLY

Working out is an experience, not really sure how else to put that. It can be super intimidating because of the old-schoolers who still believe in the NO PAIN, NO GAIN mentality despite all of the research out there proving otherwise. Those people need to go somewhere else, preferably not at my gym. Maybe try some backyard “challenge” course your buddy built himself? Or, I don’t know, Crossfit? Better yet, create your own little niche franchise because we definitely are NOT oversaturated there yet.

If you’ve ever been to the gym, you’ve most likely realized the great divide that exists. Gymism, as I like to refer to it. There’s the weights area and then there’s the cardio section. And would you believe that those areas house very, very, very different kinds of exercisers?! Well, even if you don’t believe me it’s the truth so jump on board sailor. I can’t forget about the game courts where all the kids get stored while their parents suffer upstairs, but that’s more of a happy accident than an actual, conscious exclusion.

I’m all for staying in your lane in certain areas (online dating, though, am I right?!), but at the gym I like to switch it up. Balance is key in any routine – diet and exercise, strength and cardio. Listen, if you missed the title of this post, I hate to spoil it in the middle but it is most certainly NOT about balancing your diet. However, it’s hard to do that when a wall of literal human Hulks are blocking the free weights. On the flip side, it’s hard for these unnecessarily ripped humans to fit within the treadmill arms and do anything less than an hour-long intensive sprint workout sans judgement.

So what do you do? Pick a side forever and either be jacked or toned? Be destined to run endless miles or do endless curls? No! I would have thought as my reader base you’d be slightly more creative than this! Forget the gym and all their judgement (and their monthly payments). Buy a good pair of running shoes, get a handful of weights and use the most powerful tool anyone on Earth has – the Internet.

Anywho, we’ve gotten over the workout portion of this post. Step 1 (in case it was unclear): workout. Step 2: eat like a wrestler who just came off a weigh-in and has 24 hours to gain all the lost weight back. Can we take a quick detour? Wrestlers…just why? What is appealing? You have to run in FULL SWEATS and frequently fast to drop a bunch of weight quickly just so you can stuff your face to gain it back. Then, because that might sound pleasant to some, you put on what can only best be described as the male bikini, and have very intimate contact with another person in public. While getting aggressively punched, put in uncomfortable positions, etc. Who invented this sport? No, more importantly, how is it still popular?! Personally, I don’t see the appeal in any of the above but maybe I’m the odd one here.

Alright, so the best part of working out is obviously getting to eat afterwards. And what do you get to eat? Whatever the hell you want! You freaking earned that! Did you do strength? Earned it! Did you go for a run (distance irrelevant)? Definitely earned it! Did you walk up the stairs today (number of stairs irrelevant)? You, my friend, earned it! Did you put all of the grocery bags on one arm to just take one trip in? Yes, that also counts! Earning it is easy, why don’t more people participate in this?!

My point here is that I may have an unhealthy obsession with food. Hmmm that’s interesting and also not something I want to press into with my anonymous Internet fam so…my (new) main point is this: TREAT YOURSELF! If I did a workout, then denied myself the third slice of cake, what was even the purpose of working out?! Pretty sure I heard that calories after a workout don’t count. Could have come from my own head, but either way that sounds pretty freaking great to me. Dieticians everywhere are melting at this, I’m sure. The actual health nuts may be having mini-crises but I do not care. Living my best life…after my workout clearly because the build up is honestly something I would prefer to do without.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who also believes that food is the sole motivation for physical activity then please share this with them! Maybe we can start some sort of support group for surviving the workout portion of the equation. Thanks for reading!


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ALL I WANT IS A REALISTIC SERVING SIZE

What even is portion control? Do people actually do that? How does it work – do you longingly stare at what you want and hope that imagining the taste of that delicious treat is just as satisfying? Or do you avoid food altogether and hype yourself up on some sort of liquid diet to “feel full” and “energized”?

I’m all for leading a healthy lifestyle (that’s why I balance my eating with exercise…duh!), but I have zero control. Shoutout to all the people with more willpower than me though. You can portion control for the both of us. Because let’s be honest, if I’m going to treat myself, I’m going to freaking TREAT MA SELF (know what I’m saying?). Family size? More like family of one size. King size? Yes, me being the king of my own castle it is just my size. Great for sharing? Well, that’s just your opinion marketing team – I’ll share with me. Fun size? Get that sh*t out of here, I want a real snack, there’s nothing fun about a tiny sample.

Here’s how I look at it: I’m already blowing my calorie count and destroying my health kick for the day so I might as well go all in. Oh, who am I kidding, this is not an occasional thing. This is a daily occurrence in my life. And also in the lives of people around me, so I think it’s one of those awkward ‘it’s not me, it’s definitely 100% you’ type of situations.

Whose fault is it then, you may be thinking. The FDA, or the food manufacturers, or the nutritionists…I DON’T KNOW! Whoever decides what the portion is that’s who! Side tangent – can we think about how unnatural it sounds to call them food manufacturers? What are you feeding me? Why would you not be food producers? What manufacturing is taking place? It doesn’t sound natural or healthy, but my goodness it is satisfying. Is there a reason you have to create food “products” as opposed to just giving me “real” food? What is the difference – how do I even know what’s real and what’s fake anymore?! Almost like with people – are there people manufacturers?! This is getting too creepy, I need to take a hard pass on finishing my train of thought there.

We’ve established who is to blame and I feel the need to express my…dissatisfaction with their operation. What better way to do that than with an open letter?

Dear Subjective Food Portion Deciders:

I don’t know who you are, but more importantly, I don’t know where you came from. In my country, 2 cookies or 13 potato chips or 1 piece of bread or ½ cup of ice cream or ⅓ bottle of juice or ½ a banana or 18 pretzels or ¼ cup of shredded cheese or (I will stop for brevity, but just know that I could go on and on and on and on) are not an accurate representation of how people choose to consume those products. Let me emphasize here – whatever you are doing is not working because we keep getting fatter and our recommended portions keep getting smaller!

Are you hoping that by making the calorie count smaller it will make us eat more? Do you know how psychology even works?! If I see a lower calorie count, I WILL EAT MORE because I don’t feel as bad. For example: if 2 cookies is 140 calories, but next week you tell me that 1 cookie is 70 calories, I will still eat approximately 16 cookies…see my problem? Who has time to multiply 70 by 16? That’s too much effort so clearly those calories don’t count. 8 * 140 is a little easier, but still who tracks anything after 400 anyways?!

Why don’t you just give me what I want to know? How many calories are in the WHOLE THING? Then I’ll be more likely to just eat part of it and (bonus!) I’ll feel so so so much better about myself! For example: if all 32 cookies are 2,240 calories, but I use my stealthy self-control and only eat half the package, I’ve only consumed 1,120 calories and feel like I’ve done a good deed for the world that is my body. 

Still with me? I think I might have lost you. Point being that no one (seriously, what monster only eats 2 cookies and genuinely feels satisfied – live a little) eats like a bird. We are creatures of the supersize system and have been trained to eat until we can’t anymore. So, for all of us just trying to relax and de-stress from our days with a whole bag of chips while drinking (for fun let’s just say juice), stop ruining this for us! That is all, good day.

-The Restless (and forever hungry) Professional

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who believes family size, king size, sharing size, etc. are simply opinions, pass this along so together we can unite and try to get this ridiculous serving size nonsense back to a realistic number. Thanks for reading!


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