A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DOG

Oh, to be a dog. Literally. Not a dog in the sense that you lead on multiple people at once and have zero moral feelings about playing with other people’s emotions. Those types of dogs have some karma coming for them. But actually dogs … for sure I want that life! Zero responsibility, zero shame, zero regrets, zero stress. What is not to love about that?! It’s the epitome of living in the moment and only in the moment. There is no concept of past, present, or future. There is just you and whatever has captivated your current attention. Which could be anything.

If you’re not a dog lover, then I guess the next best thing to picture is probably a television dog. Because, let’s be honest, no other animal compares to the love, loyalty, and happiness that is embodied by dogs. Cats definitely do not. Fish most certainly do not. Hedgehogs, snakes, rabbits, goats, horses, etc. also do not. I know what some dog owners may be thinking right now, though. My dog has been hella needy lately since I’m home all the time and sometimes I just can’t. Hmmm … this is a valid feeling. But let’s back up for a second.

When you come home from anywhere (even from just going to get the mail), who is more excited to see you? Your spouse or the dog? Hands down, zero question, the dog! When you haven’t been to the gym in a while, because who has free time at the moment, who will force you to get some exercise? Your spouse or the dog? Again, absolutely the dog! Your spouse might drop not-so-subtle hints, but the dog has to use the bathroom somehow. When you’re deep in an issue at work and are frustrated, stressed, and hangry, who will come put their head on your lap and give you that look? I’m not going to ask spouse or dog because it could go either way. But for fun let’s say only the dog! 

I have come to the conclusion that dogs have 3 main states of being. There is the attention state, the eating state, and the exercise state. I also have these 3 states, but add another 20(ish), or so, other options and that’s my pie chart. Which is about 20(ish) slices too many. In case the different options for emotions are unclear, I will explain:

The Attention State

Anytime the dog is being admired, loved, petted, talked about, surrounded by, thought of, engaged with, playing with, etc. people

The Eating State

Anytime the dog is actively consuming something. I’m not going to limit it strictly to food, because we all know a dog will eat anything in addition to their kibbles and human food – bugs, sticks, crumbs, other animal’s gifts to nature, etc.

The Exercise State

Anytime the dog is not resting. So any outdoor time, chasing squirrels time, going for a walk time, zoomies time, playing with a rope by themselves time, wrestling time, tug-of-war time, running down the stairs to check on who knows what time, etc.

Now, imagine if those were the only three mental states that could possibly consume your day? Wow! Mind-blown emoji moment. Where’s the stress? Where’s the grudges? Where’s the overthinking? Where’s the relationship drama? Where’s the money problems? Where’s the unrealistic body expectation issues? So many annoying things just gone. Poof! Like a magic wand. And the best part? Even if there is a temporary moment of naughtiness and the humans bring out the discipline, there is no short-term memory to tell you to sulk and think about how you’re going to get revenge. Because once it’s over, it’s over! You’re just happy all the time. I think we could all learn a little something from their existence.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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LOTS OF SKILLS AND NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM

General education development. GED’s for all you acronym lovers out there (talking to myself mostly, but I know there’s some other weirdos out there, too). What a fascinating use of our education system. If I listed all of the times that I put my Gen Ed to use in the real world, it would take up literally zero space. Say it ain’t so! Yes, unfortunately, all of my current knowledge comes from Google. When I don’t remember something, I turn to Internet Einstein. The all-knowing search engine that only sometimes lets me down. Although usually the let down is a personal ineptitude in search keywords, so I guess I can’t really blame that on someone else. I go more into my feels on the Google, and how literally anything is Google-able, in THIS POST.

College did teach me a lot of things. Mmm … wait, let me rephrase. College forced me to take classes across a disturbingly wide variety of topics in the hopes that I would learn a lot of things and be “well-rounded”. Things like the history of ancient ruins in early Rome. Creative writing and scientific research – conflicting concepts, one assignment. The life of Beyoncé (ok this wasn’t actually a waste, let’s be honest). How to be a wizard – spoiler alert: it’s more difficult than Harry and Hermoine make it seem. The American prison system. Modern day mathematics. All the tree species in rural Africa. So many, what’s the right word, curious offerings.

Still not really sure how those are helpful in navigating real-life issues. Such as filing taxes, applying for health insurance, receiving feedback at work, correctly bagging groceries in self-checkout (when do I have to bag and when is it alright not to? It’s so confusing!), how to remain calm in a highway parking lot (more on annoying traffic patterns in THIS POST), navigating the strange world of online dating, etc.

Somehow, that seems like a better use of my money. If college was free, then this would be a different story. Give me all the classes you’re marketing as required so they don’t get nixed from the offerings list and keep me there forever. Because that is what this is about right? Struggling departments trying to meet butts in seats requirements so they become part of everyone’s coursework. I can imagine this conversation vividly:

Board of Trustees: “Department A hasn’t seen the enrollment numbers we were promised. Let’s take it to the guillotine, it’s been real.

Chancellor: “No, wait! Let’s not make rash decisions. We can force all of our students to take at least one of their classes – it will make them more marketable.” 

Moral of the story is that college is apparently for suckers like me. Trying to do the right thing and get a piece of paper so people will think I know what I’m doing and might consider hiring me. The hard irony being that when you actually walk across the stage they give you a blank piece of paper. Symbolism for the blank spaces on your resume where your experience could have been, but you were forced to learn about how grocery stores arrange their shelves to coerce shoppers into buying certain products. Not unfascinating, but also not helpful in an interview for an engineering position.

Believe it or not, if I wanted to take some of these classes, I would have made that my major. Or I would have done it willingly and not cared about the cost. For three whole credits though, I expect a solid return on investment there. I pay you so that eventually someone will pay me. Yet here we are, not writing bibliographies, not analyzing rocks from my yard, not identifying tree varieties in the local park, not doing math, not mixing chemicals together to see a reaction, not looking at cells under a microscope, not casting spells, etc. No, if I need to do any of that, I look it up online. Clearly the most important part of my education has stuck with me then – how to use my resources to efficiently find a solution to a problem.

Why they force us to take tests without technology is beyond me. I’m not sure how proving that you can remember something for a small period of time after staying up all night studying is applicable in a job environment. Where you have computers. And the Internet. And everyone encouraging you / telling you to figure it out yourself (aka with the help of a robot like Google, Alexa, Siri, Watson, etc.).

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who has also experienced the tragedy of GED’s, share this with them so they can take solace in the fact that college doesn’t just hate them. It’s a universal issue. Thanks for reading!


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I JUST REWATCHED TWILIGHT AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

Have you ever sat at home on a cold, rainy day and thought to yourself ‘wow, I’m basically in a Twilight movie’? Me neither, but when the weather sets the mood, you have to just go with the flow. Full disclosure: I’m not really a Twilight saga fan. Pretty much not a fan of anything that deems itself a saga because we all know that saga and drama go hand in hand. Anyways, I decided to rewatch the start of all our vampire fantasies and I have so many shiny questions and observations:

  • Could it start in a more depressing way? ‘I’ve never given much thought to how I would die, but dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go’ as a deer gets chased and murdered. Also Bella is moving from Phoenix to Washington – sunny to rainy I mean come on
  • Nice little Southwest plug at the beginning. No assigned seating and bags fly free – is this foreshadowing of some kind? Probably considering the Cullens sit wherever they want while flying and they don’t take bags
  • The city of Forks is the size of a high school, and yet there’s people everywhere. At all hours of the day. All days of the week
  • Do you know any fathers who play fight with each other in the middle of the street while their kids get acquainted? No? Well that’s how Bella and Jacob meet! They’re adult men. Play fighting in the street. One of them is in a wheelchair. What even is this scene?
  • What’s the best way to stand out at a new school? Roll up in an old rusted truck
  • Let’s talk about character names: Bella Swan – elegant, delicate, clearly fragile and in need of a man. Jacob Black – mysterious, dark, and clearly an antagonist. Edward Cullen – sophisticated, strong, smart, rich and clearly looking to protect someone
  • Is there a male character in this film that isn’t in love with Bella? That’s realistic, thanks again Hollywood for setting expectations
  • Does anyone else think that the Cullens are actually just a cult? They “adopt” children, encourage relationships among them, and convince them that they’re vampires who kill creatures and drink blood for nourishment
  • What does Bella see in Edward? He’s only a solid 6, has an accent that changes throughout the movie, and has a staring problem. What a stud. She’s an idiot, example 1
  • Um, the car “accident” scene … let’s break that down: everyone makes a big deal out of Tyler almost hitting Bella with his car. Maybe if Bella didn’t just hang out in parking lots with her headphones in this wouldn’t have happened. Also, why does no one care about the giant dent in Tyler’s van? Since he didn’t hit anything with his passenger door? Another thing, Charlie’s reaction is way overkill – ‘you can kiss your license goodbye’, calm down, sir, your daughter is fine
  • What public high school has a salad bar? 
  • Is everyone in town a good liar? Or only the vampires and the wolves?
  • When you Google something, do you scroll past all the top hits to find an actual book to go buy and hope it contains the information you need? No and yet Bella searches for Quileute legends and her first choice from the Google results is to go buy a book #lies
  • Of all cars to roll up in to save your girl from a bunch of horny men, a Volvo would not be in my top 10 options. Also, this is Forks, WA, not Fury Road – someone should re-administer Edward’s driving test
  • A list of major red flags that Bella ignores: someone who says they can read minds, someone who willingly admits to stalking you, someone who likes to give vagues answers when asked questions about their behaviors, someone with no friends, someone who comes across as super rude constantly, someone who doesn’t wear a seatbelt while driving, and someone who admits they’re a vampire. She’s an idiot, example 2
  • What on Earth is the weather in this movie? In one scene they’re wearing tank tops and in the other they’re wearing coats. What time of year is it? Is it spring? Is it winter? Nobody knows
  • Say, hypothetically you’ve just discovered someone shows undead characteristics. Would you still pursue them? Would you encourage them to follow you into a foggy forest? Would you keep your back turned while confessing to them that you know their secret? Would you tell them you aren’t afraid that they’re a vampire? The correct answer to all of these questions is, of course, no. She’s an idiot, example 3
  • Heaven forbid that the boy sparkles in sunlight … that is the most disappointing lead up of every movie ever made. I’m a disco ball killer. Poor you
  • Bella doesn’t care that he’s killed people before and that he wants to kill her? She just trusts him? What the actual eff? Are all serial killers really just vampires? She has a lot of unwarranted faith that he can control himself around her. She’s an idiot, example 4
  • Maybe if the Cullens had just gotten 6 kids none of this would have happened? Just give Edward someone, that’s clearly all he wants
  • If Edward comes to pick Bella up for school, right after she’s gotten out of bed, how long does he have to stand outside waiting for her to get ready?
  • Nervous about meeting your significant other’s family? Don’t be! Just watch the scene where Bella gets introduced to the Cullens. It’s cringeworthy. Likewise, their first kiss has got to be as bad as anyone else’s, if not worse. Edward literally jumps across the room
  • I can’t say that spidermonkey is a nickname I’ve been hoping to hear in a relationship
  • Imagine how rich we would all be if we didn’t have to spend money on food? No wonder the Cullens are rolling in the dough
  • Could Charlie be a more American father when he meets Edward for the first time? Shotgun next to him, beers on the table, flannel on. Instill some semblance of control
  • When you think baseball, do you also think vampire drama? Me neither, and yet here’s another Twilight gift for all of us. The Cullens just wanted a nice family outdoor outing. Bonding, staying in shape, enjoying the thunderstorm. Enter the rogue vampire clan and their desire to kill Bella
  • I’m no expert, but I don’t think the best way to throw a vampire off your scent is to ruin your relationship with your father? Honesty, I think, would be more ideal here. ‘Hey, dad, FYI, that animal you’ve been chasing is actually a vampire and now they’re after me, how fun!
  • Isn’t the number one rule of hostage negotiations not to negotiate with terrorists? Is that just a TV show rule? Either way, this is on TV and she’s negotiating with a vampire terrorist. And surprise! Her mom isn’t even there who could have seen that coming?
  • Who actually thought that pepper spray would work against a vampire? She’s an idiot, example 5
  • Poor Mimi is going to open up her Dance Studio and have zero idea what happened to all her mirrors and the floor. Pretty sure insurance won’t believe her and she’ll have to pay for all the repairs out of pocket. Sad day for Mimi
  • Bella apparently tripped, fell down 2 flights of stairs, and went through a window at a hotel? And her mom believes this? No. Absolutely not. Her mom is more naive than she is
  • Edward doesn’t want Bella near him because he can’t control himself, but she just screams no and he changes his mind? Is that what I’ve been doing wrong in relationships?
  • Didn’t Bella break her femur? And yet she has a lower leg cast on at prom? Hmmm
  • Is Mike not wondering why all of a sudden Bella is able to make it to prom despite having a non-refundable ticket to Jacksonville for the weekend? He’s still friends with her despite very clearly being friend-zoned and rejected? That’s not real
  • How does Bella still have friends even though she never hangs out with anyone but Edward?
  • There’s a lot of humans in the world. Why can’t James and Victoria just move on already?

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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THINGS THAT ARE OUT OF STOCK, BUT SHOULDN’T BE

For all the aliens that recently arrived on Earth, we are (still) in the middle of a pandemic. A pandemic that over 6 months ago everyone thought would disappear with a 14 day recommended stay at home order. Not a quarantine. No strict enforcement. No accurate timeline on when things would be back to normal. No real initiative from leadership. No clear decision. Blah, blah, blah we all have feelings. We’ve all probably voiced those at some point, or other. It is what it is now. Many moons later we’re still confused on when masks will stop being a fashionable accessory to everyone’s outfit. Apparently, we are also still confused on purchasing patterns.

In case you missed the memo, toilet paper and paper towels are back in stock! Yay! That was a stressful time for everyone. But, thankfully we’ve managed to get through it and can now enjoy the go once more (as long as your toilet is UP TO THE CHALLENGE). I’m not sure if living in a constant state of unstocked panic is our main takeaway from the past few months, but it sure seems to be on the forefront of people’s minds. Hoarding habits are still going strong and for, honestly, some very strange items. Certain products are pretty much indefinitely out of stock, but shouldn’t be. And I have thoughts on all of them:

Furniture (Couches, Tables, Chairs, Bedroom Suites, etc.)

We’re all home more so we probably all realized that not all of our furniture is top of the line. I’m all for upgrading the zen in your room flow, but why the rush on couches specifically? Why are none of those available to order until November? Where are the furniture makers?

Office Supplies (Monitors, Laptops, Webcams, Desks, Desk Chairs, Printers, etc.)

Of all things on the list, this makes the most sense. The scramble for the remote office was real. Was. It’s been forever now, how has this not been restocked? These companies are missing lots of potential sales.

Electronics (TVs, Nintendo Switch, etc.)

To binge watch like a pro, obviously! Nintendo Switches have been MIA since the beginning, though. Why? Because why social distance with friends processing turnips in Animal Planet when you could have a video call and actually speak to them?

Fitness Equipment (Weights, Bikes, Yoga Mats, etc.)

Frankly, this being out of stock is unacceptable. There was a toilet paper-esque rush on this stuff. Much like the gym in January, though, most of it is now just sitting in the corner needing so much more than dusting. Bring back the fitness equipment for the love of all good things! 

Lawn Chairs

Is it so you can attend outdoor church services? Where are all the lawn chairs? Is everyone now a camping hobbyist? This feels like an interesting thing to not only be out of, but also to not be able to restock. Is the demand really that high?

Bakeware

When you can’t workout, why not bake more?! Seems counterintuitive, but it is comfort food and food seems to be the only consistency now-a-days. Watch out Food Network, your submissions are about to jump way up!

Dish Wands

What were people using before? Just the plain old simpleton sponge? Why are these not able to get back in circulation, either? Are they in demand at the hospitals? Are they in demand on football sidelines? This makes negative sense.

Paper Plates

Why? Simply why? How many people need paper plates at this moment? What’s wrong with the regular, reusable ones? 

Water Filters

Not sure how this is preventative against the current plague. It’s not coming from your tap water. Britas have always been plentiful, but throw a deadly cold into the mix and all of a sudden the inner boug comes out of everyone.

Soda Streams

Wut? Were these popular before? Buy some La Croix and call it a day.

Diced Tomatoes

Again, wut? No other vegetable is in short supply. But randomly diced tomatoes have gone underground? Not regular tomatoes, or stewed tomatoes, or peeled tomatoes, no no. Diced tomatoes have been overtaken by the -VID.

Yeast

Bread is not in short supply. Why spend hours making your own when you could pay a few dollars for someone else to do it for you? This feels inefficient.

Bidets

So, toilet paper is back in stock. If you enjoy the terrifying rush that is a water stream up your butt, though, then by all means continue with your life. I’m not here to judge. Welp, I take that back, how are so many people buying these they’re out of stock?

Hair Dye

Who are you trying to look good for? Let’s talk about the last time I wore a non-sweats outfit … it’s been a minute. Maybe you’ll like your natural color? Give it a shot – if not, there’s still plenty of time to reverse course.

Coins

I didn’t realize people still paid in cash, and coins, to be very honest. We’re a plastic world. In money and in our bodies. Let it happen. Then this won’t be an issue anymore!

Do some of these items shock you? Do some of them make sense to you? Are you currently sitting on boxes of hair dye or stray yoga mats about to cash in on your get rich quick scheme? Well, good for you for being in the know. As someone who tends to not hoard and trust the manufacturing system, I’ll continue living my will it / won’t it be in stock life like a muggle. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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YOU MIGHT BE A MILLENNIAL IF …

Have you ever wondered if you’re a millennial? Maybe you’ve recently discovered how much you love working from home, or more accurately the lack of a commute, and feel conflicted. Maybe you tried avocado toast over the weekend and had a eureka moment, and now feel confused. Maybe you bought a bottle of wine with a twist off cap, on purpose, and now feel bewildered. Maybe your phone autocorrected yes to yee and you felt fine sending it anyways and now you feel disoriented.

Do any of those things on their own make you a millennial? How do you want me to answer this? Technically, number-wise, no. But I think the beauty of the millennial generation is the embracement of mindset. Your mindset is a powerful thing. A good mindset can change your entire life. Literally. It can make the crappiest of moments bearable and the best moments even better. A bad mindset makes you the human version of Oscar the Grouch. So if you’re wondering why no one wants to hang out with you, then I have some bad news. Circling back, though, yes, those thoughts and actions would put you in the millennial mindset. Thus making you an honorary millennial. Does that make you happy or sad? You get to decide. Embrace it!

There are obviously some very millennial things that people do today. No denying it. In fact, not all of them are flattering to be known for (hello TINY HOUSES and not taking vacations). Some of them are interesting to put it nicely. Other things are innovative. Look at that. Even in our actions we are all over the map. Unfocused, as some would say. Not living in reality, older generations might believe. That’s ok. I don’t care. Because we made working from home cool before COVID-19, so we had much less trouble adjusting to the new, virtual world.

Anyways, moving on to bigger and better things. Are you a millennial at heart? Well the only official way to know for sure is by random online quizzes so let’s take one. You might be a millennial if:

  • You can’t remember the last time you bought napkins (because paper towels are better)
  • You have ever typed out a single letter in a text instead of a full word (because 100 p, full words are v time consuming)
  • You’ve ever bought wine with a twist off cap for easier access (because priorities)
  • You’ve ever had a night solely dedicated to drinking wine and seeing what happens as a result (because why not, it’s a Tuesday after all)
  • You’ve activated Bluetooth, or the entertainment system, in your car to connect with your phone (because life is better when you have constant access to your phone)
  • You’ve ever eaten an avocado, outside of guacamole, and enjoyed it (because avocados are the bomb)
  • You can’t remember the last time you dusted the baseboards (because who has the time)
  • You went to the grocery store and bought a weird looking produce just for fun (because trying new things is important)
  • You have a hard time remembering life pre-Internet (because that was back in the dark ages)
  • You prefer to use an app instead of doing things in person (because banking is easier on your couch and boarding passes are faster when they don’t need to be printed)
  • Your first thought when you have a question is to Google it (because if Google doesn’t know, no one will)
  • You care more about office culture than the work you’ll be doing (because fun is a feeling and work is a temporary annoyance)
  • You’ve ever taken a picture solely to post on social media (because if it doesn’t go online did it actually happen)
  • You’ve opted for craft beer over more mainstream brands (because supporting local business is key)
  • You turned on the TV specifically to watch HGTV, or the Food Network (because why not get inspiration ideas while relaxing #multitasking)
  • You’ve ever opted for a streaming service instead of traditional cable (because there is such a thing as too many wires)
  • You’ve ever “successfully” multitasked, at least in your mind (because there’s too much to be done)
  • You purposely bought a voice activated home assistant (because they’re so useful)
  • You’ve ever binge-watched a TV series (because what is time, really)
  • You’ve ever worked remotely from a different state, or country, just to experience something new (because switching things up is part of the key to living a happy life)

How many things have you done on that list? 13? 7? 4.5? 1? Then you, my friend, are living that millennial mindset! Practical. Efficient. Innovative. Adventurous. Trailblazing. Don’t be ashamed. We aren’t. Are you ready to embrace it? Yee yee, let’s go! 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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TWO SUITS PLUS A POWER TRIP EQUALS A HOT MESS

RIP America. It’s been a fun ride. I’m a bit shocked we’re ending so soon, but it is still 2020, so I guess all is fair during the end of the world. Am I the only one still a bit in shock from what happened on Tuesday night? Too bad it wasn’t a Netflix comedy special because it was hilarious. Until you remembered that these were our two leading candidates for President. Of the United States. Yikes! I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry, so I just drank. Like a fish. Rose and Sprite. Vodka and Sprite. Passion Fruit Rum and Sprite. Turns out, if you water down your drinks with Sprite, you can drink longer. Which was great since our drinking game kind of hit the wall from the very first segment. It started strong and, like a train without any brakes, just kept going full speed towards a cliff.

Here’s the deal … despite the questionable approach, there was a clear winner to the debate. It was Chris Wallace. Mighty moderator and authoritative figure with enough power to silence the BICKERING CHILDREN. Also, whoever vacuumed the carpet was a winner. Those lines were sharp enough to slice a pizza with. I feel like they deserve a shoutout. As is the rule of life, if you have a winner, it implies that there was a loser. America was that loser on Tuesday. Pretty sure the podiums were the most stable things on stage. Is this really the best we can do? Please send somebody else. What if this is all a big ruse so that RBG’s ghost can come back and take the White House by force to be our fearless leader?! That would honestly feel right given everything else that’s happening in the world lately.

I have to respond. He said something so I have to respond. What we witnessed was a clear battle between unfiltered and unhinged. On the one hand, we have someone who isn’t afraid of interrupting. Even when their party agreed to give each candidate an uninterrupted 2 minutes to answer the questions. On the other hand, we have flustered FloJoe who can’t always say the words. Because words are hard when you’ve got white noise blasting in your ear constantly. Although, Joe did it to himself on more than one occasion. If he had just said law AND ORDER, we could have avoided a whole 7 ish minute filibuster. Trump was asking for something simple. So simple. All you had to do was say it. Could have saved us all, but no! The party loyalty runs deeper than the American people’s patience.

Or when the family slander started to come out full swing. Ignorance is bliss. Joe blissfully forgot about his son Hunter. Until Trump kindly reminded him of his corrupt, addict behavior. At which point we saw what can only be described as a brief moment of paternal instinct where each man wanted nothing more than to defend his family. Which was almost admirable. Except, that was so unrelated to the COVID question and to how putting either or them in office would benefit us, the people. Excuse me, the China Plague question. 

For all the sane people who opted not to watch it, I admire your resilience. You did, however, miss some crucial points that I want to highlight here for you. Just so we can all be equally educated going into voting season. The worst season every four years brings us.  Probably a smart decision to just go to bed, but, as it turns out, not everyone is qualified to use the word smart. Especially not with Trump. Did you know Biden finished near the bottom of his class at nowhere Delaware State a million years ago? Me neither. Do you care? Me neither. A lot of us had college struggles and are doing just fine now. You learn. You grow. You become former Mr. Vice President. Or #2 as Biden was so fondly called on several occasions by #1 himself – Mr. President. Now to the key points, uninterrupted, good luck:

Key Point #1: Biden only made it to the debate because Pocahontas dropped out. That was an actual reference used by Trump towards Elizabeth Warren. Take it as you will, I didn’t realize Disney gave him copyright permission to use their character so freely in a serious debate and in clearly a non-offensive way

Key Point #2: When Biden gets overwhelmed, he loses his composure. Actual quotes include ‘would you just shut up, man?’, ‘keep yappin’ man’, and ‘you are the worst President America has ever had’. Clearly delivering well under pressure

Key Point #3: Trump has done more in 47 months than Biden has done in 47 years. Back up. Trump has only been a sworn in President for 44 months … so there’s that math discrepancy. But even if we are counting the three months before official inauguration day, that’s a big claim. And the debate did not clear up actual evidence to that being the case

Key Point #4: We’re still waiting to see Trump’s tax returns. But he said we would see them so there’s more hope. After four years. Of telling us we could see them

Key Point #5: The candidates are very much split on masks. Biden wears the biggest masks Trump has ever seen. But Trump does keep a mask inside his jacket. Thank goodness – it’s so helpful in there. Apparently the rally size differential is also unrelated to COVID. No, the reason Trump can sleep knowing that he has 25K – 30K people at rallies (not socially distanced) is because it’s outside. Not exactly how that works – NFL stadiums are still limiting their attendance crowds to way less than half of that number for CDC safety guidelines and that seems like a bigger priority, in my life anyways. And because the people love him. Biden, on the other hand, can only barely get 3 people to attend his rallies – it has nothing to do with keeping people safe

Key Point #6: Trump brought back football! Now this is probably the only point that I could relate to. It was clear. It was straightforward. No BS around it. No empty promises. No lies. Just good, old, truth, from jacket mask boy

Key Point #7: The actual election results could be delayed for days, weeks, or months. So instead of one stressful election day, we get to indefinitely drag it out so all the absentee ballots can be counted. And recounted. And probably recounted a few more times. How am I so confident about this? Well, apparently there were some ballots found recently in a wastebasket that were marked for Trump. Ok, I’m just going to throw the wut out here? First of all, who hasn’t taken the trash out in four years? That’s not a thing. Were they from this election? If so, who decided to go ballot hunting in the trash? How did they know those were in there? What is happening? That’s election fraud, so are we casually accusing people of breaking the law before early voting even officially starts. Strap in – it’s going to get rough

As off the wall as the first debate was, just wait until the next few come up! The Vice President one is shaping out to be just as entertaining with Harris and Pence each seeking vengeance for their ego wounded running mates. To cheer you up, though, imagine what would have happened if Kanye had made it this far. Trump v Yeezus … oh my. That feels like we somehow dodged a bullet.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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MAKING MY PARENTS PROUD, MY SIBLINGS ARE

I’m going to start by saying that I love my siblings very much. Just needed to put that out there so I don’t get blackballed from future family gatherings / gift exchanges. It has, however, recently been brought to my attention that I am the least successful sibling. Which is interesting. Because I don’t remember when I went from first to worst. Last time I checked I was riding a solid middle of the pack wave.

At some point, fairly recently, I clearly fell down the totem pole. Could it have been because the rest of my siblings are annoyingly successful at everything? Probably. They’re those people who could get pushed backwards out of a first story window and land on their feet. That’s barely possible for cats. Who are known for their nimbleness and immortality. Do you know someone like this? No? Then you’re probably this person. Own it! Not all of us have been blessed by the life gods. 

Nothing like accomplishing something you didn’t think was possible, like landing a real adult job after graduation, only to have your freaking sibling pipe up right after to announce they’ve been invited to have dinner with the Prime Minister for their dedication to inclusion with the international students on campus. What?! Excuse me, but this is not your sharing time. I am now officially contributing to society at the lowest possible level a college degree will get you. Go somewhere else with all that. Maybe the UK? They seem to want to talk more about what an amazing human being you are. 

Has this ever happened to you? Do you find it irritating? It’s kind of like ordering an amazing cone of ice cream at the beach just to step outside and have the whole thing melt immediately in the sauna and fall to the ground. Then you have to figure out what your next “big” move will be. And then, you have to figure out how to actually implement the next “big” move. And then, you have to start tracking towards the end goal of your next “big” move. And then, when you finally accomplish this “big” move, your siblings have casually become a walk-on star athlete, a National College Student of the Year, and the go-to security engineer at a major tech company. It’s fine. That’s fine. I’m fine. If anyone cares I’ve learned how to use my Crock-Pot. 

It’s an endless cycle. Because now I have to find an even bigger “big” move. One that will surely outdo whatever my siblings decide to bring up in casual dinner conversation. Get a puppy? So much commitment, though. Start a business? But doing what? Become a celebrity? Highly plausible. The ultimate social media achievement. Lots of influence. This is clearly an attainable goal that will outshine whatever grandchild, Nobel Prize, or technological creation my siblings will be able to speak on. 

I believe the real issue here may be time-management. While I am able to successfully work, be mildly social, and a binge-watching pro (more on how to successfully complete a binge-watch marathon in THIS POST), it appears that some people have an extra block. Dedicated to actual goals? Where do I sign up for this? My schedule is clearly very full as is. I guess I could give up social things? Is it worth it? Nah. All my siblings are very social so that must not be the weak spot here. Oh! Duh! It’s work. I need to quit my job. Can’t believe I was today years old when I realized what a freaking ball and chain the office was in my pursuit of most successful sibling.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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THE SUBTLE ART OF CHOOSING NOT TO REMEMBER

The dictionary defines forgetting as a failure to remember. An innocent act where a task, thought, sentiment, etc. flies away from our easily distracted minds on accident – never to return. Well, that’s not entirely true. It returns in full force when someone gets mad that you forgot their birthday, or to get cheese at the store, or that you were supposed to pick up their kid from swim practice, or that you love them, or any number of things. In other words, forgetting is bliss. Until it becomes an intense panic.

While there are certain times when forgetting is a valid excuse, I find that a lot of people simply choose not to remember. Failure, after all, is merely a lack of being prepared. So if you aren’t prepared to remember, or don’t care enough to remember, then that’s on you. It’s not an acceptable reason to pick up a pack of store brand graham crackers at the grocery store on your way home because you didn’t realize it was Tuesday and I expect my weekly present. I mean, if you’re going to get me anything from the grocery store as an afterthought, it would be Chewy Chips Ahoy obviously. Or did you also forget how much I like those? Don’t be cheap and don’t be a liar.

Don’t believe me? Ok, I’ll prove it to you in a series of highly relatable examples. It’s fine if you start to blush, or get a little embarrassed reading through these, nobody’s perfect. I, for one, often choose not to remember when my daily morning meeting starts in an effort to send the subtle hint to my boss that they are not my favorite (like a real adult). I have also been known to actively choose non-remembrance when my doctor asks how my diet has improved since the last visit. Hard to say how much was sugar versus healthy … it was definitely a pyramid though so I should get points for staying within the geometric shape.

  • Tests – you “forget” to study for the Monday morning test because there was Friday Funday, Self-Love Saturday, and, of course, Spirit Sunday. There was simply no time and you know that you sit next to the soon-to-be Valedictorian who is extremely book-smart, but tends to write in size 50 font
    • In other words, you could have studied, but you chose to forget
  • Grocery Shopping – you know that you should buy fruits, vegetables, non-microwaveable meals, vitamins, etc. However, fresh produce doesn’t last as long, real cooking is a major commitment, vitamins cost about as much as a vital organ on the black market and you’re mildly healthy (you sit in front of a sunny window most of the day), someone asked you to pick up more milk, but you’re lactose intolerant, etc.
    • In other words, you could have purchased healthy food and been a nice human being, but you chose to forget
  • Chores – as a child, someone is forcing you to remember these. As an adult, not so much. It’s easy to “forget” that the baseboards haven’t been dusted, the refrigerator drawers haven’t been sanitized, the curtains haven’t been cleaned, etc. 
    • In other words, you could have done those, but honestly life is too short to be dusting some baseboards behind furniture. You can pay someone to do that if it bothers you
  • Work – I’m going to let you self-reflect here, but everyone (and I do mean everyone) has at one point been given a task, or responsibility, that isn’t necessarily ideal nor interesting. What did you do? Do you remember? If you say no, that’s because you’re choosing not to – just like you did in the office. ‘Oh dear, I was supposed to go to the basement and replace the lightbulbs in the unused conference room. What a shame. Welp, tomorrow is Bill’s turn, tell him I’m simply ill that I forgot.’ Liar.

So the next time someone tells you they forgot, smile and know that they are probably lying. If they’re at all important in your life, forgive them because we all know you’ve done it to them at some point so have a little moment of karma. If, however, you don’t know them, question their choices in life, but then forget and move on because life is too short to hold grudges. Especially against someone you don’t even know. Sorry, don’t forget, then you would be on their level – choose not to remember.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you didn’t like this post, then choose not to remember you read it. If you did like it, and know someone who tends to forget things (like start times) share this so they can realize they are lying to everyone, including themselves. But do it gently, in a caring, forgiving kind of way. Thanks for reading!


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NOT ALL TOILETS ARE CREATED EQUAL

Let’s get awkward. Everyone has to use the bathroom. Women included. Why is that a relationship milestone? Comfort level: the girl uses the bathroom … just like me … interesting. I have so many questions on this, but that’s not really the point of this post. Ah, but I can’t resist, let’s address a few of them really quick. Number one quick. What do you think is happening in women’s restrooms? How else would they clear their systems of Taco Bell? Do you understand how human digestive systems work? If so, do you also understand that men and women both have digestive systems? That isn’t a one way street. It’s not a level up prize for part of the human species. Ok, I have to stop before I get further down this drain.

Are diapers considered toilets? Disposable toilets? One and done dump stations? Technically, they are engineered for one purpose. Which, of course, is containment. Although they don’t go into the sewer system … so are they just trash? Disgusting trash, but I guess technically still a stinking piece of garbage. On the other hand, it’s a designated area for the business. I’m genuinely curious now. According to the top hit on a brilliant Google search, they are merely a back-up and “not full-time toilets”. I don’t have children, you’re welcome universe, but I have friends with children. Who I’m sure would argue that the diaper IS a full-time toilet until a grown-up, plastic, potty training toilet can be introduced. What parent out there is using diapers as merely a backup option? You’re telling me that you spend the day closely monitoring the child and hoping to correctly guess at which point to rush them into the bathroom? No. No, I don’t buy that. We are all much too busy to be observant to someone else’s bowel schedule.

Ok so we will remove them from evaluation. Let’s stick to toilets that are purely not disposable or plastic in nature. Like a Scrubbing Bubbles toilet gel. Which, I find to be one of the most fun cleaning products on the market. And I just aged a million years writing that sentence. I have no regrets, though. What better way to clean than to give your toilet bowl a shot and walk away. 1, 2, done. No need to count to three, the toilet can’t feel what’s happening. Bathroom cleaned. Everything should have an automatic, clinging, cleaning gel. The sink, the oven, the baseboards, any surface that accumulates dust, the shower, your car, your phone case, etc. My life would be spotless. But my immune system would be garbage.

Anyways, I’m deeply distressed about the wide variety of power that comes from a supposedly standard toilet. There is a power spectrum and I don’t understand why they can’t all be equal. Does it cost more for force generation in the flush? Another thing that I genuinely don’t know. I’ve never bought a toilet. No, if there are plumbing problems I just move. It feels easier and less gross. Let’s go over the power spectrum (in order from weak to The Rock):

The Pincher

This type of toilet flushes whatever you dropped in there the same way you would hold a used bandaid away from you. Between your thumb and index finger with the most minimal contact possible

The Tease

This type of toilet thinks it’s funny to act like it’s not going to do anything unless you drop a hippo on the lever. The stronger you push down, the stronger the flush swirl seems to get

The I Can Do This All Day

This type of toilet is responsive, but just swirls and swirls and swirls. Which is great at a water park, but not great when you’re waiting to get the answer to the will I / won’t I need the plunger question.

The Vortex

This type of toilet is the strongest I have encountered on the residential market. You flush, it disappears. No questions. Get in, get out.

The Airplane Mode

This is the ultimate toilet. On both power and fear factor levels. It can read your mind. Before you even hit flush it has vanished and left a deafening rush of wind in your ears. Nothing like fear to make you need to make another trip to the toilet.

As you can see, there is a broad spectrum of strengths. Why? Simply why? How have the first half of the spectrum survived into 2020? Clearly they’ve been here since like the dinosaurs because even my grandma can swirl a glass of wine faster than some of these bowls. Is it personal preference? Are there people who actually like the weaker options? Why? Why buy angel hair pasta when you could have lasagna? Makes zero sense. 

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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BACK-TO-SCHOOL SURVIVAL PLAYLIST

Can we all agree that back-to-school shopping is the best thing about actually going back to school? Your parents are happy because everything is (slightly) cheaper than it was in July and you’re happy because you’re about to roll up on day 1 like a freaking rockstar in your fresh clothes and accessories with the tags still on it. Back in my day, which was longer ago than I’m comfortable admitting to the Internet, we always got new spiral notebooks (because the composition ones were so last generation), super fancy pens/pencils/highlighters/markers/anything that marks a piece of paper basically, the good erasers (the ones for the art students that could erase anything – including the bad memories of having to erase the entire writing test and start over because you realized at the end it had nothing to do with the ridiculous given prompt), some sort of binder, at least one new outfit, and if we were lucky, a new backpack. By lucky, clearly I mean if we were clever enough to “wear out” our one from the previous year with the rigorous demands of learning.

Today, however, I’m assuming the children roll up on hoverboards with their smart backpacks containing the latest, greatest smartphone, tablet, and TI calculator (the ones that essentially pass math for you). Most likely with a smartwatch on their wrist, and shoes that cost more than my grocery bill. Nothing makes you feel less successful than seeing a child have better style, and technology, than you … a hard-working, money making adult. It’s fine, whatever, I’m over it. At least I can drive myself to Target whenever I want and buy all of the Chewy Chips Ahoy for “sharing” with others. And by others I clearly mean my mouth and my stomach.  

So with all the back-to-school excitement, everyone needs a hype playlist to set the mood for not only the first day, but the whole first week. Then reality sets in and just getting dressed in the morning is a struggle, so the next 175(ish) days are just going to be what they are. There are certain rules when creating said playlist, though:

  1. The playlist must last at least your entire commute, but preferably from the time you begin getting dressed until the bell rings for the first class and you’ll get detention if you don’t turn it off
  2. The playlist theme must center around how you are the sh*t and no one can tell you different
  3. The sub-theme must center around how you make your own way, don’t worry about the haters who think you’ll never make it (including the counselor from last year who is all like ‘graduation isn’t guaranteed, you have to meet minimum grade requirements to walk and proceed to the next grade ’… blah, blah, blah I’ll write my own story thank you)
  4. The first song needs to have a solid beat that you could / have danced to at some point. Preferably it makes you want to dance in a way that will shock some people who don’t know the real you
  5. The last song needs to have a parting message about actually getting sh*t done so you can end it and be like ‘I’m about to own this school year, ready or not, HERE I COME
  6. The songs in between need to be a balance of a good beat and lyrics that you can get behind. What does that mean? Essentially, those lyrics should be motivational quotes bouncing around in your head to get that quick hype hit in the middle of History class

It’s that simple really. Look at all the insanely successful people in the world and I would bet at some point they listened to a song and got inspired. I have zero evidence that any of them did a specific back-to-school playlist, but who’s to say you can’t be the first? For all you podcast addicts out there, take the same rules and apply them to podcasts. Since those tend to be slightly longer, you can do it over a week, or you can put all of them on triple time and try to still get the same inspiration from them … your choice.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who makes great playlists, maybe hit them up because a mediocre playlist could result in a mediocre year and nobody wants that. Thanks for reading!


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