WARNING! SCARY COMMERCIAL COMING

It’s no secret that I’m not the biggest fan of Halloween – more specifically, I’m not the biggest fan of frightening things. I don’t like to be scared…it’s not my idea of a good time. People who like to be scared confuse me. There are plenty of other ways to have a mini heart attack and induce nightmares for weeks that don’t involve creatures from the deepest, darkest, depths of hell.

I mean, really, where do people even come up with some of these ideas?! Kind of seems like they take something that’s supposed to be calming and happy and they turn it into a devil that terrorizes innocent people because why? Because they can? Where do these people even come from?! What happened in their childhood to make it so that their joy is derived from the terror of others? I honestly don’t even understand how one gets to that state mentally.

My list of questions about who is creating this content, why they think it’s acceptable, the people who pay money to partake in this, etc. are endless. Regardless of my feelings on the matter though, scary movies are wildly popular. All year long. Even during seasons that are supposed to be purely delightful, pleasant, and merry. I won’t even get started on the Christmas horror movies that have appeared recently. No, just no – those need to die.

So we have these scary movies out there, and, for some reason, it was decided that airing commercials for these movies on public television was completely fine. This would be alright if they didn’t show any of the scary parts. Let’s all agree that you can tell it’s going to be a scary movie by the state of the family’s house. Or by the emphasis on one of the children – usually looking like they aren’t fully there mentally. Or by the creepy music in the background. Or by just general human intuition that lets you know something isn’t quite right with what you’re watching.

Why, then, must we show the demon, or the zombie, or the clown, or whatever the freaking antagonist is?! And why is it always as a jump scare?! Can we not casually just fade in their picture with the movie title?! Scary movie lovers will know what the deal is and all normal people of the world won’t have to go find a change of pants.

From a marketing perspective, I get it, I really do. You want to show the people a preview to get them hooked into watching the whole thing. Alright fine, you can keep the scary part of the commercial in there. But please, for my sake, if no one else’s, put some sort of warning up on the screen before you play it! Then I can look away, or go find a snack, or water my succulent, or return the voicemail someone left for me last month, or ANYTHING besides watching what is assaulting my television.

The irony is not lost on me that anyone, including those under 17, can watch said commercials. Yet if that movie minor wanted to go pay to watch it in a theater they could not. Another reason to take the scariness, or the R ratedness out of the previews? I think so! Don’t agree? I take it you’re one of those disturbed humans who enjoys that ridiculous then?

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who gets scared easily (like mwah) then pass this along so they can know that other scary commercial survivors exist and we have safe havens waiting – The Food Network and HGTV. Thanks for reading!


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NOT FEELING WELL? TAKE THIS MEDICINE, SIDE EFFECTS: DEATH

Pharmaceuticals. What a weird word. Why is it so gigantic? Is that necessary? No, I’ll go ahead and answer that. Drug is easier to say. It’s also a much more versatile word – it can be interpreted to suit each person’s unique tastes. Pharmaceutical is just so…one-sided? Stuck up? My way or the highway? Yes, yes, and yes. There’s only one thing that is referring to. Disgusting “grape” flavored cough syrup or a horse pill falsely labeled as a “softgel”. One only gets a pharmaceutical when it’s the last resort. A drug…well, I will not go further into this metaphor. Use your imagination.

I think that maybe drug companies, excuse me, pharmaceutical companies, get paid for each letter that goes into their documentation. How else do you explain the extremely complicated names for the medicines that exist on the market today? Honestly, who is in charge of this? Is it the scientists? Scientists are an entirely different breed of humans, excuse me, homo sapiens.

For anyone who has ever looked at the label on their pharmaceutical, you understand where I’m coming from. Ibuprofen is actually (RS)-2-(4-(2-methylpropyl)phenyl)propanoic acid…what in the actual effing hell is that?! Tylenol / Advil – oh, you know, if they’re feeling casual it’s Acetaminophen, but when it’s a black tie event they’re all N-(4-hydroxyphenyl)ethanamide. I literally cannot with this, but it’s kind of fun so here’s the real identity of some of our favorite drugs:

  • Pepto Bismol – Bismuth subsalicylate (this sounds like something you would find in a cave)
  • Valium – Diazepam (this sounds like it’s going to kill you)
  • Crestor – Rosuvastatin (this sounds like it could be a ramen ingredient)
  • Nexium – Esomeprazole (oh, this is most definitely a Disney princess)
  • Lyrica – Pregabalin (this sounds like what happens when you’re in between tipsy and drunk)
  • Cough Syrup – Dextromethorphan (this sounds like an auctioneer explaining that they were in an orphanage growing up)
  • Coricidin – Chlorpheniramine (this sounds like what they pour into public pools to destroy every possible ounce of bacteria)

This has been a very eye-opening Google search and I may, or may not, now be on a potential drug distribution watch list. Definitely put a lot of feelers out into popular drugs and their real names. I bet if I just offset it with stuff like “how to prevent illegal drug trafficking” and “reporting drug dealers” they will think I’m just a concerned citizen.

Enough about the names of drugs, I will never ever understand why we can’t take the simple route and go with naming conventions such as little red pill, medium red pill, large red pill, purple liquid, gigantic blue pill, etc. My main concern with the pharmaceutical industry is the list of potential side effects that come with EVERYTHING.

Migraine medicine has a side effect of headaches…and death. Cough medicine has a side effect of violent coughing…and death. High blood pressure medicine has a side effect of an elevated heart rate…and death. Pain medicine has a side effect of the plague…and death. Asthma medicine has a side effect of difficulty breathing…and death. Is it always necessary to kill the people when they seek help? Is this common practice now-a-days? Seems to me like someone did not complete the research and development portion for the drug, but definitely hit the deadline (AKA ran out of research money) and was just like “ah, screw it, we can put all the things we didn’t test as side effects hahaha”. 

Or they are just avoiding potential lawsuits. Either way, it would be nice to not have to worry about my survival every time I have a cough. I’m shocked that band-aids don’t come with warnings of potential death. CAUTION! The adhesive may not come fully off upon removal and be absorbed by the skin where it will slowly seep into the bloodstream and traverse up to the heart upon which it will stick the walls together and prevent a heartbeat.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you also have concerns about the alarming number of side effects on modern day medicines hit me up and we can chat about our theories on pharmaceutical collusion. If you are one of the collusion-ists, shame on you, but thanks for reading!


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I'M NOT A HOARDER, I'M SENTIMENTAL

You know how the saying goes: the more space you have, the more space you’ll fill up. I think that’s how it goes…but now that I’m thinking about it there’s a good chance I made it up. The concept is what’s really important here though – that being that you will “grow” into whatever extra space you have. Why is that? Seems like a very first-world problem where we have this need to fill the emptiness in our lives with something.

That just got way, way, way too deep for this blog so I’m going to take a massive step back into borderline nonsense territory before I scare some readers away. Anyways, back in the comfort of the half-joking, half-serious, and fully sarcastic world that I live in, I have noticed that I do tend to fill every last inch of space that is in the place where I’m living, or working, or eating lunch, or being chauffeured around in, or anywhere really that I ever am (regardless of whether or not I own said space). 

Extra shelf in the linen closet? Seems like the perfect place to store all the exercise equipment I’m not using. Extra drawer in the kitchen? Obviously I should put whiteboard markers in there just in case I ever buy a whiteboard for my fridge. Extra space on my desk? Seems like a good day to take an “extended lunch break” and see what goodies lie in the Amazon universe of office accessories. Extra seat next to me in the Uber? Clearly meant to put my backpack, coat, water bottle, keys, cell phone, lunchbox, and camera on (because putting them in the backpack would be ridiculous).

Can you relate? Duh – who doesn’t?! Why do you think tiny houses are so popular right now? The less space, then, by default, the less stuff you are allowed to have. Nothing like cutting out 95% of your square footage to force a serious spring cleaning. I mean, that is the only purpose of those houses right? Because who would willingly just live in that tiny of a space where the bathroom and the bedroom don’t only share a wall, they are one and the same. Be honest with yourselves for a second…every once in a while something tears right through your digestive system and leaves a very unpleasant output. Nobody’s trying to have that literally hanging in the air when trying to sleep, or eat.

So, for all the regular house living people in the world, who else has trouble getting rid of things? No need to raise your hand, I can’t see you. Just have that thought to yourself and know that you and I have at least one thing in common. Now, it’s not for a lack of trying, I have to say. I attempt to get rid of things (like random grocery store receipts, and instructions to appliances that I no longer own, or clothing that I bought in high school and it really should have stayed in high school) at least once every few months. The best motivation is right after I go through and online shopping spree and realize that there isn’t enough room for everyone at the party and I’ll be darned if my brand new friends get kicked out.

If you’re anything like me, then you go through everything you own and have excuses for simply throwing away the bare minimum amount of items. Thoughts like these dance through your head (because rule number one rule of having to throw away your “precious” is to have some killer dance music playing):

  • I don’t own a Mr. Coffee pot anymore, but what if I decide to buy one again someday (if all the Keurigs turn into robots and run away) and it DOESN’T come with instructions?!
  • I haven’t worn XS shirts since I was 5, but what if I lose all the weight on my body and become just a walking skeleton?! I would need this shirt
  • I don’t need 4 different backpacks, but what if three of them all break in some fashion?! I would need the fourth one as a back-back-backup
  • I haven’t shopped at this store in years, but what if I can still go online and get the $5 off coupon?!

Inevitably, then, nothing goes away as all of our incredibly logic thoughts convince us to keep them *just* *in* *case*. Does that make us hoarders? No, I like to believe it simply makes us sentimental. Besides, there’s always room under the bed, and in some closet/cabinet to store things, right?! If not, you aren’t shoving hard enough.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who has a hard time parting with their belongings, share this post so we can trade war stories of being knee deep in socks and still trying to carefully find a place to put the newest few pairs. Thanks for reading!


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