Pharmaceuticals. What a weird word. Why is it so gigantic? Is that necessary? No, I’ll go ahead and answer that. Drug is easier to say. It’s also a much more versatile word – it can be interpreted to suit each person’s unique tastes. Pharmaceutical is just so…one-sided? Stuck up? My way or the highway? Yes, yes, and yes. There’s only one thing that is referring to. Disgusting “grape” flavored cough syrup or a horse pill falsely labeled as a “softgel”. One only gets a pharmaceutical when it’s the last resort. A drug…well, I will not go further into this metaphor. Use your imagination.

I think that maybe drug companies, excuse me, pharmaceutical companies, get paid for each letter that goes into their documentation. How else do you explain the extremely complicated names for the medicines that exist on the market today? Honestly, who is in charge of this? Is it the scientists? Scientists are an entirely different breed of humans, excuse me, homo sapiens.

For anyone who has ever looked at the label on their pharmaceutical, you understand where I’m coming from. Ibuprofen is actually (RS)-2-(4-(2-methylpropyl)phenyl)propanoic acid…what in the actual effing hell is that?! Tylenol / Advil – oh, you know, if they’re feeling casual it’s Acetaminophen, but when it’s a black tie event they’re all N-(4-hydroxyphenyl)ethanamide. I literally cannot with this, but it’s kind of fun so here’s the real identity of some of our favorite drugs:

• Pepto Bismol – Bismuth subsalicylate (this sounds like something you would find in a cave)
• Valium – Diazepam (this sounds like it’s going to kill you)
• Crestor – Rosuvastatin (this sounds like it could be a ramen ingredient)
• Nexium – Esomeprazole (oh, this is most definitely a Disney princess)
• Lyrica – Pregabalin (this sounds like what happens when you’re in between tipsy and drunk)
• Cough Syrup – Dextromethorphan (this sounds like an auctioneer explaining that they were in an orphanage growing up)
• Coricidin – Chlorpheniramine (this sounds like what they pour into public pools to destroy every possible ounce of bacteria)

This has been a very eye-opening Google search and I may, or may not, now be on a potential drug distribution watch list. Definitely put a lot of feelers out into popular drugs and their real names. I bet if I just offset it with stuff like “how to prevent illegal drug trafficking” and “reporting drug dealers” they will think I’m just a concerned citizen.

Enough about the names of drugs, I will never ever understand why we can’t take the simple route and go with naming conventions such as little red pill, medium red pill, large red pill, purple liquid, gigantic blue pill, etc. My main concern with the pharmaceutical industry is the list of potential side effects that come with EVERYTHING.

Migraine medicine has a side effect of headaches…and death. Cough medicine has a side effect of violent coughing…and death. High blood pressure medicine has a side effect of an elevated heart rate…and death. Pain medicine has a side effect of the plague…and death. Asthma medicine has a side effect of difficulty breathing…and death. Is it always necessary to kill the people when they seek help? Is this common practice now-a-days? Seems to me like someone did not complete the research and development portion for the drug, but definitely hit the deadline (AKA ran out of research money) and was just like “ah, screw it, we can put all the things we didn’t test as side effects hahaha”. 

Or they are just avoiding potential lawsuits. Either way, it would be nice to not have to worry about my survival every time I have a cough. I’m shocked that band-aids don’t come with warnings of potential death. CAUTION! The adhesive may not come fully off upon removal and be absorbed by the skin where it will slowly seep into the bloodstream and traverse up to the heart upon which it will stick the walls together and prevent a heartbeat.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you also have concerns about the alarming number of side effects on modern day medicines hit me up and we can chat about our theories on pharmaceutical collusion. If you are one of the collusion-ists, shame on you, but thanks for reading!

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