I JUST WATCHED CHRISTMAS CHRONICLES TWO AND I HAVE QUESTIONS

THIS IS A SPOILER POST! If you haven’t seen Christmas Chronicles Two, and were planning on it, I would not recommend going through these observations. 

Netflix recently dropped the sequel to everyone’s favorite Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn Claus family portrayal. And who doesn’t need more of Kurt and Goldie in their life? I mean really, they’re adorable! Anyways, like with all holiday movies, some things don’t fully add up to … well … reality. Here are all of my holly jolly hiccup moments with this movie:

  • In any movie with elves, there’s always an angry elf. At least one and this one happens to have the name Belsnickle … what is a Belsnickle?
  • Belsnickle plots his revenge in a dark cave. AKA, the South Pole living conditions
  • Interesting choice in location for the mere humans starring in the movie. Cancun: where the drinks are plenty and the memories are few
  • Kate is what, 12? And all her friends are throwing parties? Pause – where are their parents
  • Bob is just casually a great singer, ok sure aren’t we all?
  • For a teenager who clearly is worried about missing social events, standing on a beach talking out loud to Santa isn’t necessarily the way to up your popularity
  • 10 minutes into the movie and I can call the ending – Kate’s heart gets changed, she ends up loving Bob and they all have a very merry Christmas together
  • No child willingly admits to being a brat and can call an airline to change their flight. They would still be having a meltdown. This scene is fake news
  • So, let me get this straight, the parents willingly leave their kids alone at a resort in Mexico on Christmas and assume the teenage brother will “watch” them. Smart
  • Kate just trusts a random resort “worker” who says he can get to the airport in half the time with zero questions? She deserves to be kidnapped
  • Two pre-teens, who are dressed for a vacation in Mexico, end up at the North Pole and aren’t shivering? They’ll die before they find Santa – that’s very un-jolly
  • Is one of Santa’s superpowers supersonic hearing? Since when? How did he hear Kate and Jack’s cries for help?
  • In his free time, does Santa just hunt leopards in the tundra portion of the North Pole? Adds up to none of the stories
  • Let’s talk about basic physics where a sleigh traveling super fast would not stop within 10 feet of entering a barn
  • I’ve never been able to make any sort of warm drink in 5 seconds and yet here we are in th reindeer barn with a custom tea / herbal / medicinal / whatever ready immediately
  • Why are all the elves a cartoon mouse / rabbit hybrid looking thing? What is this based on? Furbies?
  • These kids supposedly wake up in the North Pole and don’t think they’ve maybe been roofied? Because my first thought would not be to hug the strange man who looks like Santa
  • Why are there cannons in Santa’s Village? Why? To get snow in? That’s a stretch
  • Nice diss on all the major shipping companies. Combine all their production, quadruple it, and it might be close to what Santa’s Village does in a day? Mmkay
  • Santa codes video games now? What copyright laws does that violate? All of them probably
  • If you had an employee who was eating the inventory, would you keep him on the candy cane production line? With all that temptation? No
  • Dinner is all desserts? That’s not the way to live 1700 years. Also, painting a cake green and calling it broccoli doesn’t make it broccoli
  • Even in the north pole Kate is being a bit of a brat – she better end up on the naughty list
  • Has no one else noticed there’s another human in the village? Or that head elf Mina is missing? Strong observation skills these elves
  • So Santa Claus and his forest elves travelled from Turkey to the North Pole? Seems doable
  • A little bit of the Hulk action going on with Belsnickle’s transformation into a human
  • Was there no security on the star? You know, the thing that protects ALL of Santa’s Village? Again, smart
  • Blue powder makes the elves bad? Similar to the Despicable Me 3 movie a bit? I think so
  • You ever break something super important? Like the Star of Bethlehem maybe? Whoops
  • Maybe the North Pole has different snow, but when I slow roll a ball it doesn’t pick up speed and get bigger
  • Why did the elves even own chainsaws? How did that come up? They’re magical. In what scenario would they need a chainsaw?
  • Apparently Santa also visited the Matrix at some point – dodging all those arrows like an f boy dodges the word relationship
  • If someone sends you on a quest, a time-bound quest mind you, would you casually stroll along the path to find the end? I would hope you would put some pep in your step
  • Why is Hocken thanking Santa? Santa has done nothing except hold the star while a “dangerous” beam lit it up
  • Belsnickle’s “reindeer” look like the hyenas from the Lion King
  • Please just leave your sleigh and reindeer on the tarmac of a major international airport. They’ll be fine, I’m sure
  • Just when you think it can’t get any better, surprise! It’s also a musical, because why not?
  • There happens to just be a stage and a choir and a band at Boston Logan all at the same time?
  • Another huge twist, there’s a Back to the Future reference! And Kate meets her dad when he’s a teen – what other movies are we going to pull from?
  • Two teens are able to break out of airport jail? Meanwhile, there’s a Christmas concert happening in the terminal? I can’t keep up
  • And just like that, the song ends and all flights are now on time … makes perfect sense
  • One way to make someone need therapy is to call them dad when you’re the same age while crying and hugging them like they’re dying
  • Are there a million elves in the village, or thousands? A bit inconsistent on our estimates here
  • Is the solution to shoot the elves one at a time with a Nerf gun? How … how is that going to work? At all? There’s an unknown number of them
  • Exploding gingerbread cookies, though – incredible invention!
  • Mrs. Claus has the hairstyle of a who, so there’s our Grinch reference
  • We need to talk about Nerf gun range, too, apparently, since it’s not however far Jack shot it at the drone
  • I think that Belsnickle really just needs a friend, or a therapist
  • How old do you have to be to get a sleigh license? Santa is 1700 and Jack is what? 11? That’s a wide gap and yet both get to “drive”
  • Forgetting someone from time to time is as it should be? Where? With who? Why? What?
  • I’m scared to jump off, but I’ll get over that by backflipping off a highly elevated flying surface
  • Who has a caroling party in front of the ocean with no spectators? Who are they singing to?
  • Why is Belsnickle the only fat elf?
  • As a surprise to no one, it ends happily ever after with everyone singing a christmas song from the dinosaur age

Takeaway: if you have young children they’ll probably think it’s cute. If you have kids over the age of say, 7, this might out-age them. Interesting story line, but the first one was way better. A good background Christmas movie while decorating – not a must-see however.

Alright, jumping off my pedestal for now. If you know someone who would enjoy this post and want to share it with them, that would be awesome. Sharing is caring, after all. Don’t forget to subscribe to get these in your inbox twice weekly and follow TRP on Twitter for frequent musings. Thanks for reading!


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